Thursday, August 24, 2006        Edition: #3351
Copywight 2006 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
SUNDAY the “Emmy Awards” will apparently ignore the IRS announcement that gift basket recipients will be required to fill out a tax form and hand out hampers of goodies to presenters worth around 30-grand anyway (after tax, about $29.95) . . . Charlize Theron says she wants to give up her Hollywood acting career after experiencing the role of producer on her 2003 film “Monster” and the upcoming “Jinx” (as a producer, she looks more like a movie star) . . . Simon Cowell & Randy Jackson have lent their voices and likenesses to Konami’s upcoming “Karaoke Revolution Presents: American Idol”, a new PlayStation 2 game due in DECEMBER (what, there’s no Paula to cyber-slap?) . . . The movie sequel “Dukes of Hazzard II” will be made, but without the original stars it will go directly to DVD (and then to the dumpster) . . . 25-year-old actress Natalie Portman apparently has a new beau – 38-year-old concert violinist Joshua Bell (he looks good with a G-string) . . . “Scrubs” star Zach Braff (‘Dr JD Dorian’) says the upcoming season of the series will be his last (NBC), as he’s moving on to full-time movie-making (he wrote, directed & starred in 2004’s “Garden State”) . . . Actor Tom Cruise’s producing partner Paula Wagner is now claiming the world’s most famous Scientologist was not unceremoniously dumped by Paramount Pictures as reported; they’d already stopped negotiating with the studio and pursued independent financing for their company (sounds like an attempt at news management, doesn’t it?) . . . Jimmy Kimmel is getting a second gig at ABC-TV in addition to his late-night “Jimmy Kimmel Live”; he’ll be hosting a new prime-time game show called “Set for Life” in which contestants compete to win a monthly payout for life (or until ABC goes into receivership) . . . And in her new autobiography “Diary of a Lost Girl” , 37-year-old Sudanese writer & sometime Osama Bin Laden mistress Kola Boof claims that Bin Laden once had the hots for Whitney Houston (seems he likes ‘em unemployed, stick-thin, and stoned).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Bob Dylan – Next TUESDAY his new album “Modern Times” is coming out. The 65-year-old legend tells “Rolling Stone” he hasn’t heard a decent record for the past 20 years (during which he cranked out 8 albums himself). Quote: “You listen to these modern records, they’re atrocious, they have sound all over them.” (You know you’re getting old when …).
• Mariah Carey – TODAY she’s a guest on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated).
• Missy Elliot – She’s reportedly demanded $133,000-worth of perks in order to do a show in Bournemouth UK, including 35 first-class airline seats, 2 five-star hotel suites, 33 five-star rooms, $5,500-worth of dinners, and unlimited Cristal champagne at $750-a-cork-pop.
• Modest Mouse – The first release from their new line-up (now with The Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr) will be titled “We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank”, out DECEMBER 19th.
• Taylor Hicks – TONIGHT he performs on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC) and will likely trade lots of lame look-alike jokes with Jay.
• Rihanna – TONIGHT she’s on “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC).
• Vince Gill – He & songwriter Jimmy Webb are collaborating on a new song to celebrate the state of Oklahoma’s centennial, coming up NOVEMBER 16, 2007.
• Willie Nelson – He’s joined a lobby to ban the slaughter of horses in the US for export abroad as meat. Congress votes on the issue SEPTEMBER 7th. What about all those docile cows? And cute widdle chickens?

COMING ATTRACTIONS:
A selection of new films currently in the works …
• “American Gangster” – This 1970s crime drama, due in 2007, is based on the life of drug kingpin-turned-informant Frank Lucas (played by Denzel Washington), who shipped heroin to the US in the coffins of soldiers killed in Vietnam. It’s directed by Ridley Scott and co-stars Russell Crowe as the lawman who brings Lucas to justice, rappers-turned-actors TI, RZA and Common, Chiwetel Ejiofor (“Dirty Pretty Things”) and John Ortiz (“Miami Vice”).
• “Black Snake Moan” – To land the role of a sex abuse victim in this controversial new movie, Christina Ricci (“Monster”) bombarded writer/director Craig Brewer with explicit photos of herself. The 26-year-old actress spends most of the movie, which also stars Samuel L Jackson & Justin Timberlake, half-naked and chained to a radiator. It opens FEBRUARY 16, 2007.
• “The Golden Compass” – In his first post-‘James Bond’ role, British actor Daniel Craig will co-star with Nicole Kidman as ‘Lord Asriel’, a ruthless adventurer with a mysterious past. Craig’s “Casino Royale” co-star Eva Green will also appear in the film, adapted from the first novel of Philip Pullman’s “His Dark Materials” fantasy trilogy.
• “Hemingway” – This autobiographical film about legendary author Ernest Hemingway will get made as part of “Sopranos” star James Gandolfini’s new 3-year production deal with HBO.
Gandolfini will star as the great man and Robin Wright Penn will play his romantic interest, World War II correspondent Martha Gellhorn, the inspiration for Hemingway’s classic novel “For Whom The Bell Tolls”.
• “Ocean’s Thirteen” – Director Steven Soderbergh has revealed the now-shooting latest instalment of the heist series will be the last. Some might find it amazing a 3rd film is getting made after the bloated sequel tanked. Most of the original cast is back (George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, etc) except for Julia Roberts. The new female lead will be veteran actress Ellen Barkin who, at 52, is 8 years older than Clooney. Al Pacino has been added as a Vegas casino owner and rumor has it Celine Dion will have a cameo as herself. It debuts JUNE 8, 2007.

RADIO ON THE BLINK:
FOX-TV has become the first advertiser to buy what are being called ‘Blink Commercials’ on Clear Channel radio stations – announcements that run just 1-to-3 seconds. It will use the time to promote the TV shows “Prison Break”, “House” and “The Simpsons”. In the latter case, ‘Homer Simpson’ will be heard uttering his trademark “Doh!”, followed by the announcement: “The Simpsons, tonight on FOX”. The ‘blinks’ will not air during commercial blocks, instead being interspersed with regular programming. (There’s a hot idea for local sales – sell a hundred-spot ‘blink campaign’ to advertisers who can’t afford a full flight.)
– “Advertising Age”

BOOBS ON BIKES:
Massive crowds lined the streets of Auckland, New Zealand to watch a parade of 20 adult film stars riding motorcycles … topless. The actresses, wearing knee-high boots and black leather pants, joined the much-anticipated “Boobs on Bikes” event to promote a local erotica exposition after city council failed to halt the event. Auckland mayor Dick Hubbard describes the parade as ‘morally repugnant’. (It’s unclear if the riders were using ‘helmets’ for safety.)
– UPI

TOP PERFORMING BANDS:
A ranking by ‘experts’ of the best bands who are still performing concerts …
5. Radiohead
4. Red Hot Chili Peppers
3. Arcade Fire
2. The Stooges
1. U2
– “Spin Magazine”

THE HAPPY GENE:
Researchers at the University of Nice in France claim to have created a depression-resistant strain of mice by breeding them with the absence of the TREK-1 gene. That’s the gene that can affect transmission of serotonin, the secretion known to play an important role in mood and  sleep. The permanently cheerful mice are providing hope for a new treatment for clinical depression. This research represents the first time depression has been eliminated through genetic alteration. (How do you know when mice are cheerful? They sing? Laugh? Hump?)
– ANI Science

FANTASY LEAGUE:
What women fantasize about has puzzled men for centuries, but now a new survey has shed some light on the subject. Unsurprisingly, 47% of women polled say they fantasize about firemen, 28% dream of soldiers and 27% about businessmen. At the other end of the scale, only 1.7% confess to fantasizing about politicians. For men, a woman in a nurse’s outfit is the ultimate fantasy of 54%, closely followed by a maid (44%) and a flight attendant (39%). (A teacher, a gymnast, a cheerleader … guys can even get excited over a gorilla in a dress.)
– “GQ”

SEEING DOUBLE:
Two 51-year-old twin sisters in Maidstone, England say their non-related police officer husbands have grown almost as close as twins in the house all of them share. Twins Jo Hatfield & Diane Howell still borrow each other’s clothes, finish each other’s sentences, and often stay up late gossiping. They and their families have lived together since 1989. One of their husbands says the only safe woman to live with is your wife’s identical twin. After all, why on Earth would you have an affair with a woman who’s exactly the same as your wife? (You know, he’s got a point there!)
– “Daily Mail”

SUSPICIOUS MINDS:
Recent research shows that people who are overly suspicious and cynical are more likely to die within a 15-year period than those with more trusting dispositions. Seems chronic suspicion may produce stress that impairs the body’s ability to fight disease. (Geez, I find that cheesy study a little hard to believe … ahhh, my heart!)
– “Christian Science Monitor”

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Dubai in the United Arab Emirates currently has 17% of the world’s cranes … the machinery kind not the bird kind. Seems there’s a bit of construction going on.
• Only 30% of humans can flare their nostrils. Studio experiment time!

AND WE QUOTE:
“I’m not the father. My schedule was too busy. Chuck Norris is the dad … we’re so excited about that.”
– Movie actor Will Ferrell, joking about his wife’s current pregnancy, apparently not realizing Diddy did it.

THE BULL SHEET 08.24.06

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [72] Kenny Baker, Birmingham UK, 3′-8”movie actor (‘R2 D2′ in the “Star Wars” series 1977-2005)  FACTOID: Along with Anthony Daniels (‘C-3PO’), they are the only actors to appear in all 6 “Star Wars” movies.

1970 [36] Kristyn Osborn, Magna UT, country singer (Shedaisy-“In Terms of Love”)

1973 [33] Dave Chappelle, Washington DC, TV comedian (“Chappelle’s Show” 2003-05)/movie actor (“Block Party”, “Blue Streak”)

1973 [33] Carmine Giovinazzo, Staten Island NY, TV actor (‘Detective Danny Messer’ on “CSI: New York” since 2004)

1981 [25] Chad Michael Murray, Buffalo NY, TV actor (‘Lucas Scott’ on “One Tree Hill” since 2003)/movie actor (“House of Wax”)

1988 [18] Rupert Grint, Watton-at-Stone UK, movie actor (‘Ron Weasley’ in the “Harry Potter” films)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Great American Duck Race” through Sunday in Deming NM. No little rubber duckies here, these are real live quackers competing for prize money in the ‘World’s Richest Duck Race’.
PHONER: 888.345.1125
NET: http://www.demingduckrace.com

• “Montréal World Film Festival 2006”, the 30th annual through September 4th. 215 features from 76 countries will be screened, 22 of them competing for the top award, the ‘Grand Prize of the Americas’. 15 short films from around-the-world will also compete for prizes. The jury includes Canadian director Marc-André Forcier and American Oscar-winning actress Kathy Bates.
NET: http://www.ffm-montreal.org/en_index.html

• “National Inventors’ Month”. Inventions attributed to TODAY’s date include ‘Potato Chips’ (Chef George Crum-Saratoga Springs NY in 1853), the ‘Waffle Iron’ (Cornelius Swartwout of Troy NY in 1869), and the ‘Motion Picture Camera’ (Thomas Edison in Menlo Park NJ, 1891)

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1987 [19] PBS is threatened with a lawsuit if it uses a banana to demonstrate how to use a condom during an AIDS special … by the International Banana Association

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1996 [10] “Missing” by Everything But The Girl logs in week #55 to become the longest-lasting song in “Billboard Hot 100” chart history

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1994 [12] Pizza Hut in California’s Silicon Valley debuts the 1st online pizza order service

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Kiss & Make Up Day
[Sat] Make Your Own Luck Day
[Sat] Women’s Equality Day
[Sat] Single Parent Family Day
[Sun] 58th Primetime Emmy Awards
[Sun] Petroleum Day
This Week Is … Freedom of Enterprise Week
This Month Is … Catfish Month

BULL’S BITS

SEPTEMBER’S “COSMO” HEADLINES:
• “Which Makeup Effect Do Guys Go Gaga For?”
• “How to Hose Down a Horn Dog”
• “The Weird Reason You’re So Tired”
• “101 Sex Tricks to Try Before You Die”
• “I Punctured His Thigh With My Stiletto”
– “Cosmopolitan Magazine”

BS COMEBACKS TO PICKUP LINES:
• “So, what do you do for a living?” [“I’m a female impersonator.”]
• “Hey baby, what’s your sign?” [“Do Not Enter.”]
• “How do you like your eggs in the morning?” [“Unfertilized.”]
• “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?” [“Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”]
• “Is this seat empty?” [“Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.”]
• “Your place or mine?” [“Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.”]
• “Your body is like a temple.” [“Sorry, there are no services today.”]
• “I would go to the end of the world for you.” [“But would you stay there?”]
• “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.” [“If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”]

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• If you could invent a holiday, what and when would it be? What special traditions would take place on that day?
• Which TV character are you most like?
• If you were the 8th dwarf, what would your name be?

BS RANDOM JOKES:
• I’ve been looking for more of that get-up-and-go feeling so I’ve switched to prune yogurt.
• Are the noises in my head bothering you this morning?
• Everyone thinks I’m psychotic … except for my friends deep inside the Earth.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 13-and-a-half is the average age at which people develop THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A phobia.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Every time history repeats itself the price goes up.