Friday, September 03, 2004        Edition: #2859
If the Sheet Fits, Buy It!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Alliance Atlantis launches its new digital specialty channel ‘Fine Living TV’, which will show us how the other half lives (aka, ‘The Conrad Black Channel’) . . . After 11 seasons, Mary Walsh is taking a year-long sabbatical from CBC-TV’s “This Hour Has 22 Minutes” (isn’t it about time for the show to leave, too?) . . . Stealing a page from the movie “Calendar Girls”, Peterborough ON mayor Sylvia Sutherland plans to pose in the buff for a calendar to raise money for the city’s flood disaster relief fund (after checking her online portfolio, we’re guessing it’ll have to be a fold-out). . . TONIGHT’S edition of “Dateline: NBC” reports that Michael Jackson paid $2 million in hush money to a SECOND boy who accused him of fondling in 1993 . . . Paris Hilton has launched her own signature jewelry line of silver & pink-crystal baubles priced under $100 and sold exclusively at Amazon.com (yes, you too can now get a piece from Paris) . . . Actress Cameron Diaz is said to be eyeing a career as a TV producer, talking to several network honchos about making a sitcom . . . Actor Eddie Murphy will produce & star in an as-yet-untitled Western comedy (“Blazing Saddles 2″?) . . . According to her rep, Britney Spears skipped out on both the “MTV Video Music Awards” and her ‘Britney Spears Camp for the Performing Arts’ LAST WEEKEND because she was told by her doctor that her injured knee had taken a turn for the worse and – quote – “she should avoid flying so it wouldn’t be affected by air-pressure changes” (the rep even managed to keep a straight face!) . . . Wondering why we haven’t heard a peep this election year from former wrestler/former Minnesota governor/former MSNBC talk show host Jesse Ventura? Seems his $2-million severance agreement with NBC requires him to keep his mouth shut until April, 2005 – or else the gravy train stops!

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Trace Adkins – MONDAY he’ll sing the national anthem at Louisiana Tech University’s football season opener. He once played linebacker for LTU until a knee injury ended his athletic career. His major? Petroleum technology.
• Destiny’s Child – Their manager (and Beyoncé’s father) Mathew Knowles has decreed that in the year 2007, they will all take a rest. (Because by then, they’ll own everything you can possibly buy.)
• Tim McGraw – His new album “Live Like You Were Dying” sold close to 766,000 copies in its first week, making it #1 on just about any chart you wanna look at.
• Rod Stewart – When pulling his regular stunt of kicking soccer balls into the audience at the end of his concert at LA’s Hollywood Bowl, he hit a 61-year-old man on the head, causing him to be hospitalized after he reportedly went into convulsions. The man’s family is threatening to sue if an apology isn’t offered. (Hey, just be thankful Rod’s hobby isn’t horseshoes.)
• Five For Fighting – The wife of John Ondrasik’s caretaker has been arrested for the man’s stabbing murder that occurred while the group was in Vegas. Also arrested – her boyfriend.
• P Diddy – His non-profit ‘Citizen Change’ organization, created to get out the vote, is starting to look like a bust. Turnout at a Miami event LAST WEEKEND was so poor, THIS WEEKEND’S scheduled fundraiser at his Long Island home has been canceled. (Could it be the slogan ‘Vote or Die!’?)

THIS WEEK’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Vanity Fair” (PG-13 Drama): Reese Witherspoon plays a young 19th-century Englishwoman who manages to ascend the social ladder despite her poverty-stricken background. No it’s not named after the magazine, it’s a bigscreen version of the William Makepeace Thackery novel that’s been the subject of at least 7 other movies. This version’s director, Mira Nair, has just been asked to direct “Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix”.
• “The Cookout” (PG-13 Comedy): When a basketball player (Quran Pender) signs a $30-million deal with the NJ Nets, he decides to throw a BBQ just like his family used to have. But with gold-digging friends & relatives, agents, product reps and hangers-on in the house, things get a little crazy. Cameos by Eve, Farrah Fawcett, Queen Latifah, Ja Rule & Danny Glover.
• “Wicker Park” (PG-13 Thriller): This Hitchcock-style thriller tells the story of a young Chicago investment banker (Josh Hartnett) who becomes obsessed with a woman he happens to see in a café, believing her to be his long-lost love. He puts his life on hold in order to trail her. Some scenes shot in Montréal.
• “Paparazzi” (PG-13 Thriller): A no-name cast in the story of a celebrity who decides to make a persistent photographer pay for almost causing a personal tragedy. The lead role was turned down by George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Kurt Russell & Vince Vaughn before finally going to Cole Hauser (who?).

FALL FASHION:
For Japanese schoolgirls, the school uniform has become a trendy fashion statement. Since the early ‘80s, school uniforms, especially those of private schools, have been remodeled to become more attractive. Also around that time, uniforms became less associated with school rules and students began to see them as a kind of brand. Nowadays, some Japanese girls even seek to attend specific schools just for the uniforms. (Small world! School uniforms are also really popular at [local call-girl parade ground].)
– “Japan Times”

ALCOHOL REPAIRS HEARTS:
While it’s become widely accepted that red wine helps to keep the heart healthy, researchers at the University of Missouri-Columbia have now found that alcohol in moderation can also reduce the damage following a heart attack. Here comes the science: alcohol seems to help in the production of an adhesive which makes artery walls sticky so that white blood cells attach themselves to it. That’s a good thing. (Booze and broken hearts … this is nothing new!)
– Asian News International

HE’S BAAACK!
MONDAY super-contestant Ken Jennings of Salt Lake City returns for the 21st season opener of TV game show “Jeopardy!”, attempting to add to his string of victories. He now holds virtually every “Jeopardy!” record. A few highlights …
• Thanks to a rule change that allows contestants to continue playing as long as they keep winning instead of exiting after 5 wins, he’s been champion for 38 consecutive shows since his JUNE 2nd debut.
• He’s accumulated record total winnings of $1,321,660 and record single show winnings of $75,000.
• Since he began winning, Jennings has appeared on the front page of “USA Today”, presented the ‘Top Ten List’ on “Late Show with David Letterman”, appeared on “The Tonight Show” and “ABC World News Tonight”.
(To play ‘Radio Jeopardy!’, see today’s “Bull’s Bits”.)
NET: http://www.jeopardy.com/gena.pjw?cont=_kenjennings&cat=contestant

THE FALL OF SPIDERS:
Seen a lot of creepy crawlers around the house lately? That’s because female spiders fatten up toward the end of summer as they prepare to lay eggs, anywhere from 50 to 1,000 each. Some females can double in size, making them much easier to spot. What’s really creepy is they were there all along … you just don’t notice them when they were small and rolled up in a ball. The rule of thumb, according to entomologists, is no one anywhere is ever more than one meter (3.3 feet) away from a spider. (Did you just get itchy?)
– “Globe & Mail”

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• Police in Latvia are trying to determine what charges to bring against a drunken horse & buggy driver who caused a drunken motorist to crash into a ditch, flipping his car. Only motor vehicles and bicycles are covered under the country’s drunk-driving laws. A police officer on the scene said the horse, at least, appeared to be sober.
• A German company has created eyeglasses which can double as – chopsticks. The earpieces on the $300 stainless steel frames detach for dining use. They can also be ordered in fork form.
• Joe & Pat Posey of Maryland have been raising a ‘Cabbage Patch’ doll as their own son – for 19 years. Little ‘Kevin’ has his own room, a red Corvette, and is now being sent to university. The couple’s real-life daughter Vicky admits to some jealousy saying, “He’s got a dog. I never got a dog!”

FOR THE RECORD:
• THIS WEEKEND a singles event at Orlando’s Universal Resort will attempt to set TWO new records – ‘Largest Gathering of Speed-Daters’ and ‘Largest Game of Twister’.
• THIS WEEK 28-year-old Turkish construction worker Ilker Yilmaz snorted a handful of milk up his nose and squirted it 2.795 meters (9.2 ft) out of his left eye for what he hopes will be recognized as a new world record. The current record of 2.615 meters (8.6 ft) for this dubious accomplishment is held by Mike Moraal of Vancouver.

THE BULL SHEET 09.03.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1965 [39] Charlie Sheen (Carlos Estevez), NYC, TV sitcom actor (“Two & a Half Men” since 2003)/movie actor (“Wall Street”, “Platoon”)/married actress Denise Richards in 2002/actor Martin Sheen’s son/Emilio Estevez’s brother

1973 [31] Jennifer Paige, Atlanta GA, one-hit-wonder pop singer (“Crush”)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1957 [47] Khandi Alexander, NYC, TV actress (‘Chief Medical Examiner Alexx Woods’ on “CSI: Miami” since 2002)

1960 [44] Damon Wayans, NYC, TV sitcom actor (‘Michael Kyle’ on “My Wife and Kids” since 2001)/movie actor (“Major Payne”)/Shawn, Marlon, Keenen & Kim’s brother

1981 [23] Beyoncé (Knowles), Houston TX, pop singer (2004 MTV Video Music Award-“Naughty Girl”, Destiny’s Child-“Survivor”)/movie actress (“Austin Powers in Goldmember”)  COMING UP: Co-stars with Steve Martin in “The Pink Panther” remake, opening in 2005; a new Destiny’s Child album due NOVEMBER 16th.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Australia] “National Flag Day”

TOMORROW is “International Newspaper Carrier Day”, celebrating the anniversary of the 1st recorded ‘news boy’, 10 year-old Barney Flaherty, who began hawking the “New York Sun” 171 years ago in 1833. Where’s the most unusual place you’ve found your paper after it was ‘delivered’?

TOMORROW is the 223rd birthday of Los Angeles, founded in 1781 by 44 Spanish settlers in the Bahia de las Fumas (Valley of Smokes). Its original name was ‘El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora La Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula’, which makes ‘LA’ the world’s most abbreviated nickname for a city.

SUNDAY is “Be Late For Something Day”, sponsored by ‘The Procrastinators Club’. Its purpose is to let people know that procrastination is not a bad thing. In fact, if you put things off long enough – you won’t have to do them at all! The Procrastinators Club has about 15,000 members worldwide. By the way, opponents of these lackadaisical louts have declared the day after “Do It! – Fight Procrastination Day”.

OTHER BS EVENTS THIS WEEKEND ….
• [Oatmeal TX] “Oatmeal Festival” celebrates the town being put back on the state map after years of being left off.
• [Prairie du Sac WI] “Wisconsin State Cow-Chip Throw” includes the ‘Cow Pie Eating Contest’.
• [Reed Point MT] “The Running of the Sheep”, when hundreds of woollies charge down Main Street and participate in the ‘Ugliest Sheep’ and ‘Prettiest Ewe Contest’.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1966 [38] TV show “Star Trek” debuts with private showing at the World Science Fiction Convention in Cleveland (attended by the 1st ‘geeks’)

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1952 [52] Introduction of ‘Teflon’, Dupont Corp’s brand name for tetra-fluoro-ethylene fiber

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1970 [34] ‘Largest hailstone’ lands near Coffeyville, Kansas – 1.66 lbs, 17.5 inches in diameter (wait a sec, didn’t that fall from that airliner?)

COMING UP . . .
[Sat] National Cheese Pizza Day
[Sun] Working Mother’s Day
[Mon] Iguana Awareness Day
[Mon] Fight Procrastination Day–Do It! Day
[Mon] Labor Day
[Mon-Sept 12] 100th Canadian Open Golf Championship (Oakville ON)
[Thurs] 2004 NFL Season Kickoff Concert (Foxboro MA)
[Thurs-Sept 18] Toronto International Film Festival
This Week Is . . . Emergency Care Week
This Month Is . . . Be Kind To Editors & Writers Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS RADIO JEOPARDY:
Just like on TV, your contestant must answer in the form of a question. When they fail (as they always will), you provide ‘the correct question’.
GAME #1 –
• The answer is – Every time the door opens she jumps into the back seat. (The correct question is – Why does Courtney Love keep failing her driver’s test?)
• Milk and honey. (What do you get from a bee that has an udder?)
• He goes home. (What does [co-host] do if he’s not in bed by 10 pm?)  
• Peter Pan. (What do you use to fry a peter?)
• The Orient Express. (What do you call a drink made from soya sauce and prune juice?)

GAME #2 –
• Supervisor. (What does ‘Clark Kent’ wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?)
• He missed. (What happened when the Canadian Olympian shot an arrow into the air?) 
• Follow the yellow brick road. (What are good directions to a urologist’s office?)
• Nail polish. (What did [traffic reporter] get on her SAT test?)
• Kumquat. (What do you say when calling your ‘quat’?)

TOP SWAPS:
The week’s most requested music files online …
1. Nelly – “My Place”
2. Maroon 5 – “She Will Be Loved”
3. Lil’ Flip – “Sunshine”
4. Houston – “I Like That”
5. Kevin Lyttle – “Turn Me On”
– BigChampagne.com

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: THIS is the most widely-used, battery-powered household device.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The TV remote control.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is to make your life miserable.