Monday, August 23, 2004        Edition: #2850
Don’t Forget to Renew Your Subscription or You’ll Be Sheet Outta Luck!

TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• Christina Aguilera says she can’t believe Britney Spears bought her own engagement ring, saying that up close it looks like she got it on shopping channel QVC. Quote: “She’s not trailer trash but she sure acts that way!” Meantime, a new photo of Britney has surfaced, showing her leaving a Ventura CA gas station restroom – barefoot.
– “Us Weekly”
• “Lord of the Rings” actress Cate Blanchett says the cosmetics industry exploits women’s insecurities. Quote: “I do think women are encouraged to be terrified of aging.” Talk about biting the hand that feeds you! She recently signed up to be the face of SK-II Japanese face creams.
– “Page Six”
• German cosmetic surgeon Dr Werner Mang reveals he was summoned by Michael Jackson’s medical team in the late ‘90s for a radical reconstruction of Jackson’s ravaged nose. Mang says Jackson had been under the knife so many times, he was forced to remove a piece of ear cartilage to shore up the tip of the nose.
– “Daily News”
• TV talk show host Regis Philbin now holds the “Guinness Record” for the most hours on TV – a total of 15,188. The previous record for TV face time was held by former game show host and 20/20 anchor Hugh Downs.
– “National Enquirer”
• Desperate film-makers have posted an ad on recruitment Website Craigslist.org that reads, “Late 20s, at least 6-foot, chiseled good looks, athletic, strong character, all-American, confident, yet awkward.” What’s the gig? The long-delayed 5th “Superman” movie, for which no one seems to want the lead role!
– “World Entertainment News”
• TODAY rejected “American Idol” contestant Matthew Metzger joins the cast of the ABC-TV daytime drama “One Life to Live”, playing ‘Duke Buchanan’.
– “E! Online”
• For the upcoming new “Idol”-style Brit TV show, “The X-Factor”, already acerbic talent judge Simon Cowell is reportedly taking his nasty put-downs to a whole new level. In fact, his criticisms are said to be so intense he’s hired a 280-lb ex-royal family bodyguard to protect him on the set.
– “The People”
• Backstreet Boy Nick Carter is getting over his failed romance with Paris Hilton by stepping out with “Playboy” magazine’s 2002 ‘Playmate of the Year’. He and Dalene Kurtis met at Hollywood’s Spider Club a month back and have been spotted on several dates since.
– “Daily Dish”

WACK SUPERMARKET TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Couple Bursts into Flames in the Sack!”
• “Beer Cans Found on Mars!”
• “Half of US Hookers Are Space Aliens”
• “Disease Forces Rappers to Talk Clean!”
• “NASA Builds World’s Biggest Paper Airplane!”
• “Man Gets Life in Prison for Smuggling Popcorn into Theater!”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Bono – TODAY he’ll be in Cincinnati for the grand opening of the ‘National Underground Railroad Freedom Center’ alongside P Diddy and Nick Lachey, who’ll emcee the event.
• Shania Twain – She & hubby Mutt Lange have reportedly offered $10 million for a 42,000-acre sheep ranch near Wanaka, New Zealand – 4 times its estimated value. But already neighbors are complaining about the Lange’s plan to have a local hiking trail moved OFF the property.
• Trace Adkins – He & wife Rhonda are expecting their 3rd child, a daughter in DECEMBER. They already have 2 daughters and Trace has 2 more, now teenagers, from a previous marriage.
• Sum 41 – Their new album, to be released OCTOBER 12th, will be called “Chuck” in honor of UN worker Chuck Pelletier, who helped the band out of a tough situation in the Democratic Republic of Congo earlier this year.
• Madonna – She has reportedly given Britney Spears a ‘priceless’ 12th-century Kabbalah book to celebrate her engagement to Kevin Federline.
• Alanis Morissette – TODAY she guests on TV’s syndicated “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Fantasia Barrino –  North Carolina Governor Mike Easley proclaimed SATURDAY ‘Fantasia Barrino Day’ to mark her first stage appearance in her home state since winning “American Idol” in MAY.

THE NEW MODELS:
Say g’bye to Linda Evangelista, Kate Moss, Christy Turlington, Naomi Campbell et al. The new supermodel elite compiled by “Vogue” contains only one well-known name – Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend Gisele Bundchen. Others on the list of hot new runway stars include: British redhead Karen Elson, Ethiopian-born Liya Kebede, 17-year-old Australian Gemma Ward, Canadian Daria Werbowy, Russian Natalia Vodianova, 16-year-old Victoria’s Secret model Isabeli Fontana, and Czech models Karolina Kurkova & Hana Soukupova. The magazine says the new faces also have a new attitude. Unlike previous supermodels, they simply do a great job and then leave. (Translation: They aren’t difficult b**ches who are totally self-involved.)
– “Vogue” magazine.

SPAM EXTERMINATOR:
Researchers at the Thomas J Watson Research Center in New York have developed an algorithm named ‘Chung-Kwei’ that can catch nearly 97% of e-mail spam. IBM’s Bioinformatics Research Group based the formula on the Teiresias algorithm, which was designed to search DNA sequences for recurring patterns.
– “New Scientist”

WHICH OLYMPIANS ARE HOTTEST?
Asked to choose the Olympic sport with the ‘Most Attractive Athletes’, most women choose ‘swimmers’ while most men pick ‘gymnasts’. On the other end of the scale, ‘wrestlers’ rate least-hot with women, and ‘synchronized swimmers’ with men (hey, who’d wanna kiss someone wearing a nose plug?).
– New love.com poll.

CAST IRON STOMACH:
Allah Wasayo blames his bizarre diet on his inability to find a wife. The 55-year-old Pakistani enjoys eating carpets, light bulbs, cups, saucers, pieces of glass and grass. He claims his relatives will not allow him to wed because they fear he’ll eat his wife. Wasayo has had X-rays done which show that there’s nothing unusual about his digestive system, yet he has never been cut by the sharp objects he eats and has never suffered from stomach aches or digestive problems. “All edibles taste the same to me,” he says.
– Ananova

SMELLS LIKE A HUMMER:
Hummer is lending the powerful brand identification of its oversized SUVs to a men’s cologne.  ‘Hummer Fragrance for Men’ will sell for $52 a pop in a boxy, truck-like bottle. It’s targeted at 25- to 45-year-olds with a penchant for the ultra-masculine. Aftershave, body wash and deodorants will follow as soon as the new fragrance gets off-the-ground. (Suggested ad captions? “Hummer Cologne: When you absolutely, positively must reek of a small dick!” or perhaps, “Two sexual encounters per gallon … guaranteed.”)
– “NY Post”

STICKIN’ IT TO THE MAN
A 66-year-old Malaysian man has become an instant celebrity after discovering a strange talent for – sticking heavy objects to his body. Tan Kok Thai discovered the rare gift while taking off his shirt one day and a coin fell out of the pocket and stuck to his chest. Since then, he has found that rock, metal, plastic, wood, and rubber items all stick to his body and refuse to fall off unless he gets sweaty. During exhibitions for locals, Thai has attracted bananas, cellphones, books, biscuits, flashlights, meat cleavers and plastic bottles. His proudest achievement is sticking a 45-lb rock to his chest. Scientists from the Universiti Teknologi Malaysia are on their way to begin studying the outlandish feats.
– “Star”

IT’S AMAZING ANYONE SHOWED UP!
The 1st ever “National Convention of the Idle” has wrapped up in the village of Champoluc near the Italian-Swiss border. According to one of the organizers of the event, idleness is not a vice but a sign of intelligence as idle people find smart ways of getting things done with less effort. The lazy people who bothered to show up were treated to a seminar on laziness that lasted less than a half-hour after which a siesta was mandatory. Along with tips on perfecting the art of laziness, participants learned the ‘10 Commandments of Avoiding Effort’, which include always letting others make the first move and never volunteering for anything.
– BBC

FOR THE RECORD:
One of the world’s top speed-eaters, Sonya Thomas of Alexandria, Virginia, wolfed down 38 lobsters in 12 minutes to win the ‘World Lobster Eating Contest’ SATURDAY in Kennebunk, Maine. She won $500 and a trophy belt for downing some 9.7 lbs of lobster meat. By the way, tiny Thomas only tips the scales at – 104 lbs!
– CNEWS

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• The total gross for the 39 shows of the North American leg of Madonna’s “Re-Invention Tour” was $79,500,054, with 553,505 tickets sold.
– “Billboard” magazine.
• “Madden NFL 2005″, the latest version of Electronic Arts’ pro football video game, sold more than 1.3 million copies in its first week, indicating it may outsell LAST YEAR’s version which turned out to be the best-selling video game of the year.
– “Hollywood Reporter”

AND WE QUOTE:
“I, personally, have suffered through many hurtful lies and references to me as ‘Wacko Jacko’ as well as the latest untruth about me fathering quadruplets. This is intolerable and must stop. All I can hope for is that one day, my family will be shown the same kindness and respect that we have, throughout our lives, shown to others.”
– Michael Jackson’s latest diatribe on his Website.

THE BULL SHEET 08.23.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1970 [34] Jay Mohr, Verona NJ, TV personality (“Last Comic Standing” host, “Saturday Night Live” 1993-95)/movie actor (“Jerry Maguire”)

1978 [26] Kobe Bryant, Philadelphia PA, NBA star (3 NBA championships-LA Lakers) accused of sexual assault

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Astrology] Sign of ‘Virgo’ begins

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2000 [04] 51 million tune in to watch the final episode of the 1st “Survivor” series, as Richard Hatch is named the $1-million winner

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1904 [100] 1st ‘snow tire chains’ invented by Harry Weed (so people could drive in Yukon in August)

1617 [387] 1st ‘one-way street’ (London UK)

1961 [43] 1st ‘athletic mouth guard’ as LL Greenblum patents his ‘Teeth Protector’

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1998 [06] San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds becomes 1st MLB player to hit 400 home runs and steal 400 bases.

COMING UP . . .
[Wed] Kiss & Make Up Day
[Wed] La Tomatina tomato-throwing festival (Bunol, Spain)
[Wed-Fri] 9th World Air Guitar Championship begins (Oulu, Finland)
[Thurs] Make Your Own Luck Day
[Thurs] Women’s Equality Day
[Thurs-Sat] Rock Star Poker Tournament (Las Vegas)
[Thurs-Sept 6] Montréal World Film Festival
[Fri] Petroleum Day
[Sun] Athens Summer Olympic Games closing ceremony
[Sun] 21st MTV Video Music Awards
[Sun] 8th Wreck Beach Bare Buns Run (Vancouver)

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Truck Driver’s Appreciation Week      
Save Your Smile Week
Be Kind To Humankind Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
THIS MONTH is “International Inventors Month”, a good excuse to review the –
WORST-EVER BS INVENTIONS:
• Heat n’ Eat Popsicles
• The See-Through Mirror
• Roll-on Hairspray
• The Revolving Basement Restaurant
• The Moped Exercycle
• The Braille Speedometer

BS ‘5 IN 10′ GAME:
Contestant has 10 seconds to name 5 of the following …
• 5 Olympic events.
• 5 things you would never eat for breakfast.
• 5 given names that make guys sound wussy.
• 5 things you’d put in your overnight bag.
• 5 flaws about yourself you wish you could change.

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• Is it a good idea for Canada to send 300 athletes to the Olympics or would it be better to fund fewer athletes with a better shot at winning medals?
• Your partner has a one-night stand but admits it and apologizes profusely. Can you forgive him? (Women polled are equally divided on the question – 46% saying ‘yes’ and another 46% saying ‘no way’. Interesting that younger women 18-29 are the LEAST forgiving.)
• What’s in you Internet Favorites Folder? Read us the list and we’ll tell you all about who you are!

BS INTERVIEW:
Here’s an odd date destination! In Hollywood CA, you can watch classic movies at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery on Santa Monica Blvd. Who the heck would want to watch old movies in a cemetery? A couple thousand living film buffs, plus the graveyard’s 88,000 interred. Films are projected on a mausoleum wall while many in the regular crowd of mostly 20 to 30 year-olds have a picnic. Ask why film-goers aren’t creeped out, and what famous names are among the ‘long-term residents’.
PHONER: 323.469.1181

BS BLATANT JOKE:
Not to be derogatory or anything, but it looks like our best athlete in Athens is … the ‘Little Blue Cow’.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 83% of guys say they have broken up with a girlfriend because of THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Fear of her father.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.