Friday, March 8, 2002 Edition: #2249
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!
SUNDAY is Osama Bin Laden’s 45th birthday (if he’s still kickin’). Born March 10, 1957 in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, the Al-Qa’ida founder is the world’s most wanted man with a total of $27 million in reward money on his head. What do you think — will he ever be found?
FBI ‘Most Wanted’ listing –
NET: http://www.fbi.gov/mostwant/topten/fugitives/laden.htm
BS WAYS OSAMA WILL SPEND HIS BIRTHDAY:
• Watching followers get blasted off “Survivor: Afghanistan”.
• Camel tipping with Mullah Omar.
• Call Century 21. List the cave.
• Order another gross of Change of Address cards.
• Attend weapons of mass destruction sale at Peshawar Wal-Mart.
• Strip-o-Gram in which girl takes off veil only.
• Suck helium out of birthday balloons, issue orders in high squeaky voice.
• Birthday dirt cake with side of grass.
• Get drunk on insanity.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
SATURDAY Emmy winners “Sex and the City” and “The West Wing” have multiple nominations for the 54th annual “Directors Guild of America Awards” . . . SUNDAY the “Screen Actors Guild Awards” will be handed out to both film and TV actors, with “A Beautiful Mind” and “In the Bedroom” each racking up 3 nominations (considered one of the key Oscar forecasters) . . . CBS-TV’s $31.5 MILLION A YEAR offer to keep David Letterman as “Late Show” host sounds extravagant, but his current estimated take is $30 million — so it’s only a 5% raise . . . Meantime, the Internet “Drudge Report” claims that if Letterman jumps to ABC-TV, Howard Stern is on the short list to take his place (yeah, right) . . . First we heard Liz Taylor and Mandy Moore would play mother and daughter, now we hear Justin Timberlake will play a ‘young Elton’ in Elton John’s new video “Original Sin” (he’ll need to wear glasses, put on 50 lbs — and glue on some whiskers) . . . Mike Myers is set to play the lead role in a live-action version of the Dr Seuss classic “The Cat in the Hat” (he’ll need to wear a hat, lose 50 lbs — and glue on some whiskers) . . . And “Ali” star Will Smith has ruled out playing Nelson Mandela in a bio-film, because he says playing a national hero is just too demanding (in other words, you gotta be able to act).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
For the first time in recent memory, a truly Canadian film is getting a big roll-out in Canada – “Men With Brooms”, directed by and starring Paul Gross (formerly ‘Constable Benton Fraser’ on TV’s “Due South”) and co-starring Leslie Nielsen, the curling comedy follows the antics of a group of misfit curlers from small-town Ontario (in true Canadian fashion, it opens and closes with a beaver shot) . . . “All About the Benjamins”, a crime comedy about a bounty hunter (Ice
Cube) in pursuit of a bail jumper (Mike Epps) which leads them both to an abandoned Miami warehouse which, unknown to them, is a drop-off point for a major diamond heist (hijinks ensue) . . . Guy Pearce & Jeremy Irons star in the latest bigscreen adaptation of HG Wells’ “The Time Machine”, a sci-fi adventure about a machine that allows its inventor to travel 800,000 years into the future, where he discovers that humanity has divided into the hunter — and the hunted.
WORLDWIDE BULL ROAR:
• An Italian porn star has won a $33,000 settlement in a lawsuit against a plastic surgeon after a cosmetic operation left one of her breasts an inch higher than the other. 36-year-old Jessica Rizzo claimed the breast enhancement ruined her cleavage and left her with fewer job offers.
• A Netherlands man who says he was tired of paying alimony has been sentenced to perform community service for advertising his ex-wife on a Website – as a hooker. (How did you get revenge on your ex-?)
• The world’s first ‘womb transplant’ has been performed by surgeons at the King Fahad Hospital & Research Center in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia. “International Journal of Gynecology & Obstetrics” reports the womb of a 46-year-old who had a hysterectomy was transplanted to a 26-year-old, but survived only about 3 months.
• Here’s another malady to worry about – when a UK man left to travel the world, his devoted girlfriend sent him 15 text messages a day which led to damage to her hand muscles and tendons, a syndrome that’s now being called — ‘Text Message Injury’.
• Hoping to stem the ‘Western cultural invasion’, Iran has introduced a pair of dolls dressed in traditional Iranian clothing to compete against ‘Barbie’ and ‘Ken’. The twin dolls, ‘Sara’ and her brother ‘Dara’, arrived in toy stores THIS WEEK to lukewarm reception. One reason may be, unlike their Western cousins, the dolls CANNOT be undressed. (But they DO have detachable hands!)
AND I’M THE ‘CHIEF BOVINE STOOL DISPENSER’:
A new survey in the UK finds that more and more British workers are being given bigger job titles instead of bigger salaries as cash-strapped companies attempt to keep their employees happy. The trend is being called ‘Up-Titling’. Some examples of actual new job titles –
• “Head of Verbal Telecommunications” [Receptionist]
• “Optical Illuminator Enhancer” [Window Cleaner]
• “Stock Replenishment Executive” [Shelf Stocker]
• “Technical Sanitation Assistant” [Washroom Cleaner]
FOR THE RECORD:
THIS WEEK Brazilian weight-training instructor Edmar Freitas is claiming that he’s broken a Guinness World Record by completing 111,000 sit-ups in 24 hours, eclipsing the previous record of 103,000. To pull off the feat, he averaged about 77 sit-ups a minute for the entire time. (See if you can average that for ONE MINUTE!)
SEXY NUMBERS:
The World Health Organization estimates that approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse take place each day. Assuming – optimistically — that each of those acts takes place between 100 million DIFFERENT couples, only about 3% of the world’s population will have sex today. (Wow, for once I’m in the majority!)
(Source: ”Los Angeles Times”)
EARTH TONES:
This just in — the universe is beige . . . not turquoise. In JANUARY, scientists at Johns
Hopkins University in Maryland said that if the universe were viewed from a great distance it would appear turquoise, but they now admit they made an error in calculations and say it would actually appear beige. They determined the color by combining light from over 200,000 galaxies. (Just great, now I’ll have to repaint the living room.)
STYLE STATEMENTS:
• The hot trend for teenage guys these days is – hot wax. The thinking is that a well-sculpted body looks better when free of hair, so while it’s important to actually have body hair to prove your manhood, styling young men have taken to shaving, using Nair, or even waxing their arms and chests. The fad is said to have started with slick-bodied celebs like Tom Cruise and ‘N Sync. (The most macho looking dudes since Ricky Martin.)
• DC Comics has filed a lawsuit against Wella Corp for marketing a green hair gel called ‘Kryptonite’, claiming the name infringes on the fictional name given to an element from ‘Superman’s’ home planet Krypton. ‘Kryptonite’ gel has been touted in ads as offering ‘extreme styling’ and an ‘acrylic shine’. (Not to mention the ‘unique look of pus’.)
THE BULL SHEET 03.08.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1961 [41] Camryn Manheim, Peoria IL, TV actress (Ellenor Frutt-“The Practice”, since 1997)
1976 [26] Freddie Prinze Jr, Albuquerque NM, movie actor (“She’s All That”, “I [Still] Know What You Did Last Summer”) NEXT FILM: Co-stars in bigscreen version of TV cartoon “Scooby-Doo” with girlfriend Sarah Michelle Gellar, opening JUNE 14
1977 [25] James Van Der Beek, Cheshire CT, TV actor (Dawson Leery-“Dawson’s Creek”, since 1998)/film actor (“Varsity Blues”)
1978 [24] Kameelah Williams, Las Vegas NV, one-hit-wonder hip-hop singer (702-“Where My Girls At?”)
1984 [18] Bob, Clint & Dave Moffatt, Victoria BC, pop singers (The Moffatts-“Bang Bang Boom”, “Until You Loved Me”)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1964 [38] Juliette Binoche, Paris FRA, film actress (“Chocolat”, Oscar-“The English Patient”)
1972 [30] Kerr Smith, Exton PA, TV actor (Jack McPhee-“Dawson’s Creek”)
1987 [15] Lil’ Bow Wow (Shad Gregory Moss), Columbus OH, pint-size rap protege of Snoop Dogg (“Bow Wow That’s My Name”)/lil’ movie actor (“All About the Benjamins”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• TODAY is “Employee Appreciation Day” (free lunch?)
• TODAY is “Middle Name Pride Day” (stand up and be proud, Aloicious)
TODAY is “International Women’s Day”, kicking off “Universal Women’s Week”, which honors all women, especially working women. It was first proclaimed at a 1910 women’s conference in Helsinki, Finland by activist Clara Zetkin. In 1977, the observance was endorsed by the UN and is a national holiday in China and Russia, where female workers are presented with flowers and gifts. It’s also celebrated as “Uppity Women’s Day”, celebrating the ability to be one’s self no matter what, and encouraging women to pass on stories of ‘sheroes’, women who led lives out of the ordinary. This year’s IWD theme in Canada is – “Working in Solidarity: Women, Human Rights and Peace”.
NET: http://www.swc-cfc.gc.ca/iwd/
TODAY is “Healthy Office Day”, focusing on the many types of pollutants that effect office workers: environmental, equipment or stress-related. (Not to mention co-worker-related.)
TOMORROW-March 17 men with brooms sweep at the ”2002 Nokia Brier”, the Canadian men’s curling championship, at the Saddledome in Calgary. This year’s slogan – ‘Rocking the Rockies’!
PHONER: 866-662-2002/403 662-2002 (Calgary 2002 Brier Society Office)
NET: http://www.nokiabrier.ca
Mattel considers TOMORROW, March 9, “Barbie Doll’s Birthday” because that’s the day they first trotted her out at the New York International Toy Fair in 1959.
LESS POPULAR BARBIE VERSIONS:
• Divorced Barbie [comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat . . .]
• Teenage Single Parent Barbie [complete with baby, bassinet, and welfare check mailed each month.]
• Brunette Barbie [only Barbie with a brain.]
• Body Piercing Barbie [comes with blue hair, tattoos, ear, nose, tongue and navel rings.]
• Minimum-Wage Barbie [includes fast food uniform and zits.]
• Trailerpark Tanya [Barbie’s white trash cousin. Unemployed ex-husband Jeff sold separately.]
• Barfie [Barbie’s bulimic friend.]
• Facial Hair Barbie [Just in time for her 43rd birthday — as Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror!]
• Mid-Life Crisis Barbie [Time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change and her personal trainer Alonzo is just what the doctor ordered!]
TOMORROW is “Amerigo Vespucci Day” commemorating the Italian’s 1451 birth in Florence. He’s the marginally successful explorer that a European mapmaker chose as namesake for the ‘New World’ — as in ‘North Amerigo’.
SUNDAY is “Mario Day”, saluting anyone with that name because the abbreviated date (MAR-10) sort of spells ‘Mario’. About the most famous ‘Mario’ right now is NHL great Mario Lemieux, captain of Canada’s gold medal Olympic hockey team.
THIS WEEK in Alaska, the 86th annual “Zenana Ice Classic” got under way with the building of a 26-foot tripod on the frozen Tanana River. Since 1917, when the first wooden tripod was built by bored engineers, people have been betting on the day and date of the spring breakup. Because of the high stakes involved ($800 in 1917, $335,000 LAST YEAR) the ice is closely watched by lottery participants. In 2001, the ice broke at 1pm on MAY 8.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1855 [147] 1st train passes over 1st ‘railway suspension bridge’ (Niagara Falls ON/NY)
1913 [89] 1st US ‘income tax’ levied (next day, the 1st income tax cheat)
1990 [12] 1st Canadian to defend World Figure Skating title (Kurt Browning, in Halifax)
1993 [09] Animator Mike Judge creates “Beavis & Butt-head” for MTV (“Heh, heh, heh”)
1999 [03] 1st ‘live plastic surgery’ on the Internet (comedian John Byner)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Mon] Commonwealth Day
[Tues] Organize Your Home Office Day
[Wed] Open an Umbrella Indoors Day
[Fri] Ides of March
Save Your Vision Week (what I’m always told when I have a great idea in a meeting)
Youth Art Month (look for an exhibition on a fridge near you!)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“Which celebrities do you dream about? What happens?”
BS INTERVIEW:
Dr Richard Cohen has researched why so many men suffer from low testosterone levels. Among his discoveries – drinking beer lowers testosterone while watching sports increases it! He has tips on increasing testosterone and will also reveal the real cause of a ‘morning woody’.
PHONER: 866-383-9225 x 3015 (arrange through John @ American Media Partners)
BS ‘BARBIE QUIZ’:
• Since producing its first Barbie in 1959, Mattel has continued to come out with different versions in order to —
a) Reflect women’s changing role in society.
b) Encourage young girls to become anything they want.
c) Force parents to fork over another ten bucks every few months.
• Feminists have blamed the Barbie Doll for –
a) The stereotype that women must be thin to be attractive.
b) The stereotype that women must be buxom to be attractive.
c) Pamela Anderson.
• Given the choice of playing with a Barbie or a truck, most young boys will –
a) Play with the truck.
b) Find a way to play with the Barbie and the truck together.
c) Look under Barbie’s shirt.
BS TAG LINE:
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
