Monday, November 19, 2001 Edition: #2178
A Bull in Hand Is A Sheetload of Fun!
BS SIGNS YOU’RE JUST NOT A ‘MORNING PERSON’:
• You brushed your teeth with Preparation H and your cordless shaver’s in the toaster.
• Your entire pre-noon vocabulary consists of “Uh?” and “Uh huh”.
• You go to bed in your work clothes so as not to waste ‘valuable sleep-in time’.
• You’ve replaced your snooze button — with a hammer.
• Your typical breakfast — toothpaste with a side of water.
• You once yawned and sucked in a Buick.
• You think Mike Bullard is the host of “Canada AM”.
• You think Jay Leno is the host of ”Good Morning America”.
• Your will specifically states that you must be buried ‘any time after 1pm’.
• When you sleep late, coffee prices plummet on major world commodity markets.
BS TRASHY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• “NY Post” predicts the ‘Harry Potter’ movie will shatter most previous movie box office records. As an example, it’s opening day take of $31.3 million easily surpassed the previous record of $28.5 million set by “Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace” in 1999. And if it proves accurate, the studio estimate of $93.5 million for the opening weekend would eclipse the $90.1 million chalked up by ”The Lost World: Jurassic Park” in 1997, and that was on a holiday weekend! (But just wait till “Lord of the Rings” DECEMBER 19!)
• If you believe “Star”, pregnant “Austin Powers” actress Liz Hurley will wed her on-again, off-again partner, actor Hugh Grant after her expected baby’s father, multi-millionaire movie producer Stephen Bing, made it clear he had no interest in fatherhood. Seems La Liz did the proposing, Hugh the accepting and they’ll be marrying in England after the babe’s born in APRIL. (And just before Hugh begins work on the sequel film ‘Four Hookers and a Wedding’.)
• Russell Crowe has been injured in a stampede on his ranch in Australia. “Sun” says he was knocked down by the charging herd, causing injury to his thigh. (Afterward Crowe said, “That’s the last time I’ll ever try to milk a bull.”)
• Nicolas Cage apparently made a big mistake when he had a dragon tattooed on his back, thinking he was born in the Chinese ‘Year of the Dragon’. “Star” notes that he later found out he had miscalculated and was actually born in the ‘Year of the Rabbit’! (He now sports the only tattoo in the world of a fire-breathing bunny.)
• “National Enquirer” claims Hollywood stars are at each other’s throats over the handling of the $337 million raised by the September 21st telethon to benefit 9/11 victims. (If you added up ALL the money raised in the various charity efforts and divided it by the 6,000 or so victim families — what would you get? The cost of ‘administration’ of any charity is usually a good area for investigation.)
• “Daily Mirror” says stunning pop queen Beyonce Knowles of Destiny’s Child doesn’t have a current boyfriend and thinks she is ‘unglamorous’. Seems fame is crushing her love life and preventing her from meeting ‘Mr Right’. Quote: “It’s hard to find someone who likes you for what you are, who is not star-struck”. Or ‘money-struck’ – her fortune is estimated at $8 million!
• “Sunday Express” notes that Madonna’s 1-year-old son Rocco Ritchie has joined a learn-to-swim group called ‘Aqua Tots’. Actually, the rest of the ‘group’ isn’t invited — Madonna’s personal assistant rented the entire 10th floor of the London facility and made sure it was
sealed off from other learn-to-swimmers, a move that’s upset many parents. (Who do you think will turn out weirder – Lourdes & Rocco Ritchie, or Prince & Paris Jackson? Might as well sign them all up now for future therapy.)
• UK’s “Sun” tab says unlucky-in-love Matt Damon is now dating Odessa Whitmore, his best pal Ben Affleck’s personal assistant. Word is they’re even house-hunting together. (After so many bad relationships, it’s nice to see ‘Good Will Humping’!)
• And here’s some ‘breaking news’ headlines courtesy of the ever-inventive scribes at “Weekly World News” — “Giraffe Woman Becomes Champion Sword Swallower!”, “Man’s 174-MPH Sneeze Blows Wife’s Hair Off!”, and – our fave – “Looking at Breasts Makes Men Live Longer!”
MORNING ROUTINE:
According to “Men’s Health,” about 1 out of every 13 of us consider ‘making the bed’ more important than ‘making love’ first thing in the morning. Other morning activities rated more essential than sex include ‘breakfast’, ‘coffee’, and ‘listening to RADIO’. (It’s official — this show is better than sex!)
ONLY IN CANADA:
• To control some 2,000 protesters outside the international financial ‘G-20′ meetings in Ottawa on the weekend, police used tear gas, pepper spray, rubber bullets, water hoses and — BEAN BAGS. 14 people were arrested and there were some minor injuries. (Including minor bruises incurred during a round of ‘bean bag tag’.)
• A Vancouver male stripper has been awarded over $50,000 from a doctor after complications resulted from treatment for a dog bite (due to privacy concerns, the woman’s name was not given in court). Giovanni Fiorino testified he suffered headaches, fever, chills and diarrhea during his treatments, causing him to lose the $60,000-a-year he was earning as an exotic dancer. (This is unbelievable – you can make 60-grand as a male peeler?)
SAVE THE BIRDS!
Blues Traveler frontman John Popper has recorded a special message for a hotline set up by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) offering tips for a meatless Thanksgiving and recipes for holiday veggie dishes. (Have you seen a picture of him lately? What kind of vegetables is HE eating – trees?)
PHONER: 1-888-VEG-FOOD
BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• The members of a regional parliament in Italy have voted to stop referring to themselves as a ‘member’ because of the word’s anatomical connotation. So instead, they’ve decided to refer to themselves as a ‘component of the chamber’. (Um, does this solve the problem?)
• An Ipswich, England bar has installed a ‘chat hatch’ between stalls in the ladies room so customers can gossip while they — sit. The small door opens and locks on either side so patrons can choose whether or not to open it. Georgina Hale of Ollie’s Cocktail Café came up with the idea after noting that women tend to visit the washroom in twos. (No, really?)
• Police in Germany are trying to identify a speeding driver from pictures of a bare bottom. Seems someone ‘mooned’ a speed camera as a car went through a 30 mph zone in Bonn at 60. When the tape was examined, officials found a perfect print of the offender’s butt instead of his face. (How’d you like to try and pick the suspect out of this police line-up?)
THE BULL SHEET 11.19.01
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1933 [68] Larry King (Lawrence Henry Zieger), Brooklyn NY, TV talk show host (“Larry King Live”-CNN) who’s been married 7 times to 6 different women/44 years in broadcasting
1938 [63] Ted Turner, Cincinnati OH, TV mogul (founder of CNN, TBS, TNT and other
media properties/Time Warner exec)/sports mogul (Atlanta Braves)/ex-Mr Jane Fonda
1942 [59] Calvin Klein, Bronx NY, fashion designer (CK jeans) NOTE: 21 years ago TODAY (1980) CBS-TV banned his jeans ad featuring Brooke Shields and the slogan ”Nothing comes between me and my Calvin Kleins”
1960 [41] Allison Janney, Dayton OH, 6-ft TV actress (2 Emmy Awards as CJ Cregg-“The West Wing”) QUOTE: (on her height) “Years ago, one casting agent told me that the only roles I could play were lesbians and aliens”
1961 [40] Meg Ryan (Margaret Mary Emily Anne Hyra), Fairfield CT, cutesy movie actress (“You’ve Got Mail”, “Sleepless in Seattle”, “When Harry Met Sally”)/ex-Mrs Dennis Quaid who may or may not be dating Russell Crowe again
1962 [39] Jodie Foster, LA CA, movie actress with 2 Academy Awards (“The Accused” [1988], “Silence of the Lambs” [1991]) and 2 sons from unnamed fathers NEXT FILM: The thriller “The Panic Room”, opening MARCH 1
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Have a Bad Day Day”, dreamed up by someone somewhere who was sick to death of hearing the generic salutation ‘have a good day’.
TODAY in Singapore, some 200 delegates from around-the-world are gathering for a week-long international conference on — the toilet. Delegates to the “World Toilet Summit” will discuss design, ventilation, sanitation, incontinence and the future of a device that is still a luxury in many parts of the developing world. Highlights include a mime performance depicting desirable and undesirable toilet behavior and a tour of some of Singapore’s finest facilities (conducted by George Michael).
ON THIS DAY . . .
1995 [06] Baltimore Stallions (now Montréal Alouettes) beat Calgary Stampeders 37-20 in 83rd Grey Cup (Great trivia question – Which is the only city to have won BOTH a Super Bowl and a Grey Cup? Baltimore Ravens in 2000 and Baltimore Stallions in 1995)
1996 [05] Pamela Anderson Lee files for divorce after 21 months of wedded hell with Tommy Lee
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1895 [106] 1st ‘modern pencil’ (Frederick Blaisdell of Philadelphia patents a paper-wrapped pencil with a string, similar to present-day china markers)
1991 [10] 1st baseball MVP from a losing team (Cal Ripken Jr-Baltimore Orioles [67W-95L])
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1997 [04] Iowa’s Bobbi McCaughey gives birth to world’s only known set of living ‘septuplets’
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Name Your PC Day
[Wed] World Hello Day
[Thurs] US Thanksgiving Day
[Thurs] Thanksgiving Day (no BS service)
[Fri] National Buy Nothing Day
[Fri] Your Welcome Giving Day
I’m So Thankful Month
[Sun] 89th Grey Cup (Montréal)
TV Sweeps Month
Good Nutrition Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“What do you do to pass the time while marooned in rush-hour traffic?” (A Pennzoil poll finds the vast majority say they talk to themselves or others – like that %#**! jerk in the tailgating Bimmer!)
WHICH IS OLDER:
• Christina Aguilera or the Pop Tart? [Kellogg’s ‘Pop Tarts’ 1965 (36 years ago TODAY as a matter of fact)/Christina Aguilera 1980]
• ‘Barbie’ or ‘GI Joe’? [‘Barbie’ 1959/’GI Joe’ 1964]
• Coca Cola or Pepsi-Cola? [Coke 1886/Pepsi 1898]
• Former US President Ronald Reagan today or former US President John Adams when he died? [Close one! Adams died at age 91/Reagan turns 91 FEBRUARY 6, 2002]
• Sega Genesis or Super Nintendo? [Sega 1989/Super Nintendo 1991]
• Jerry Springer or Preparation H? [Jerry Springer 1944/Preparation H 1949]
• Vancouver Canucks or NY Islanders? [Vancouver Canucks founded 1970/NY Islanders 1972]
• Minnesota Vikings or Buffalo Bills? [Bills founded 1959/Vikings 1960]
BS TAG LINE:
If you stand up to be counted someone will take your seat.
WELCOME!
BS salutes new subscribers Corey Allen in Champaign IL, Sean McClain @ WZKL Alliance OH, Gerfi Benveniste @ POWER FM Istanbul, Turkey and these discerning newbies downloading BS this week — Terry Pfeifer @ KHAZ Hays KS and Rudy West @ CJFW Terrace BC. Remember, if you upgrade to an annual subscription, you’ll save 20% off BS monthly rates!
