Monday, November 5, 2001 Edition: #2168
Welcome to Bullsters, Inc!
GROWN-UP GAMEBOY:
TODAY Nintendo shoots its next-generation gaming console ‘GameCube’ out of the box with a MSRP of $199.95. But that’s $100 cheaper, and 3 days earlier than Microsoft’s rival ‘Xbox’ game system debuting THURSDAY. To enhance your spending experience, 6 new Nintendo games are also out — at about $50 a pop (can’t decide whether to get one of these for my kid for Christmas or to cheap out on a Bimmer).
YOU MIGHT BE ADDICTED TO VIDEO GAMES IF . . .
• Your roommate suffers from second-hand Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
• When watching sports, you reach for your joystick.
• You’ve legally changed your name to ‘AAA’, so you save time entering your name on the top 10 scorer screen.
• You actually know what to reply when someone says ‘All your base are belong to us!’
• A new deformity called ‘Nintendo Hand’ has been named after you.
• You’re buying your son a GameCube for his birthday — his 1st birthday.
BS JUICY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• If you believe “National Enquirer”, Nicole Kidman is seething that Penelope Cruz is bragging
she can have a child with Tom Cruise whereas Nicole couldn’t. (Meow!)
• The “Smoking Gun” Website has published J-Lo’s demands to participate in the star-studded remake of Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On”. Her rider required — a 45-foot trailer decked out with entertainment console, hair sink and make-up station, and decorated with white roses and lillies, white tables, white drapes, white candles and white couches. Food demands included mangos, papayas, pineapples, green seedless grapes, brownies, plus apricot, peach and pear-guava juices — none of which were even touched. All of this to ensure she’d contribute 90 MINUTES of her precious time for the charity recording. (Her ego’s getting bigger than her butt.)
• “E! Online” reports a Wyoming federal judge has thrown out a woman’s lawsuit against the makers of THIS WEEKEND’S monster hit movie “Monsters Inc”. She claimed they stole ideas for the movie from — an 11-line poem she once wrote. (Yeah I know the feeling, lady, they stole the whole idea for “Shrek” from something I wrote on a men’s room toilet stall.)
• UK’s “Sun” tab says Ben Affleck is seeing “X-men” star and former ‘Bond girl’ Famke Janssen (see today’s ‘Celebirthdays’). They’ve reportedly been spotted in LA shopping for diamond rings and house-hunting in Beverly Hills. (This is good news. She’s a 5′-11″ martial arts expert, so if he falls off the wagon – she’ll kick his ass!)
• Thanks to THIS WEEK’S edition of “Star”, we get these earth-shattering stories – “Ally McBeal Star Romps With Lesbian Lover!”, “Hillary Calls Off Divorce!”, and “Pam Anderson Loses Kid Rock’s Baby!” (no wonder, it apparently never existed).
• Steamed by a new “Harper’s Bazaar” profile, Gwyneth Paltrow tells “NY Post”, “I’m not, like, a nymphomaniac” (let’s see, if you’re not ‘like’ one . . .). Poor Gwyneth is also reportedly ‘really upset’ with the mag for breaking a promise to crop out her bare butt from a nude photo shoot (uh, why did you think they asked you to take your clothes off, bimbo?).
• Will Smith claims he’s now a superstar in the sack thanks to fitness training for the title role in the upcoming bio-film “Ali”. According to “Sun”, Will’s wife Jada Pinkett now affectionately calls him ‘Will-agra’. (Guess you could say success is going to Big Willy’s head.)
• And here’s a few of our fave headlines from this week’s “Weekly World News” – “Half-Man, Half-Dinosaur Says Find Me a Woman Before I Explode!”, “My Wife Wants a Sex Change For Our Golden Anniversary!”, and “I Wet the Bed But My Boyfriend Thinks It’s Him!”
CEREAL SWILLERS:
According to a study by the American Society of Pediatrics, these days children receive almost ALL of their nutrients from breakfast cereals. (Makes you wonder, just how many nutrients are found in miniature chocolate chip cookies and bite-size multi-color marshmallows?)
BUSTED COPS:
A vehicle shortage at a South African police department is forcing officers to HITCHHIKE to crime scenes. (If that isn’t humiliating enough, once they get a ride they have to stick their heads out the window and go ‘wooooo wooooo woooo!’ In another budget-cutting move, they’ve suspended lie detector tests and just wait to see if the suspect’s pants catch on fire.)
THE SCIENCE OF ZZZ’S:
The latest issue of “Science” magazine features opposing studies on what happens when we
sleep. One claims that the brain works hard during sleep, struggling with problems to help us
understand the complexities of the world. The other claims there’s no evidence the sleeping brain does anything important at all. (Despite their differences, both agree on one thing — never eat pepperoni pizza just before bedtime.)
WE’RE ALL THUMBS:
A new study says that, because people under 25 have grown up using cell phones and handheld computer games, the thumb has become the digit most use for tasks that were traditionally the job of a finger. (Which is causing a lot of confusion during rush hour.)
I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT CAMEL DUNG:
A wacko Chilean entrepreneur who previously marketed ‘General Pinochet Wine’ has now registered the trademark name ‘Osama bin Laden’, and plans to use it to sell soap and air fresheners. (For people who want to smell like a Taliban.)
POLLY WANNA PC:
An MIT research team is teaching a parrot to surf the ‘Net. ‘Arthur’, an African Grey, has a specially designed browser that allows him to select pictures and music on a computer
screen. Why? Researchers say the Internet may provide intellectual stimulation for caged birds that are bored stiff. (They’ll go through the same evolution as humans — parrot porn first, followed by parrot-squawk MP3 sites . . .)
THE BULL SHEET 11.05.01
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1941 [60] Art Garfunkel, Forest Hills NY, oldies singer (“All I Know”, w/Paul Simon-“Bridge Over Troubled Water”)
1943 [58] Sam Shepard (Rogers), Ft Sheridan IL, movie actor (“Swordfish”, “The Pelican Brief”)/playwright (“Zabriskie Point”, “Paris Texas”)/Mr Jessica Lange NEXT FILM: The war drama “Black Hawk Down”, opening in DECEMBER and already generating big buzz
1947 [54] Peter Noone, Manchester ENG, oldies singer (Herman’s Hermits-“Mrs Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Daughter”, “Henry the 8th”)
1959 [42] Bryan Adams, Kingston ON, rock/pop singer (Grammy Award-“[Everything I Do] I Do It For You”, “Cloud #9″, “Cuts Like a Knife”)
1965 [36] Famke Janssen, Amsterdam NETH, movie actress (“X-Men”, “GoldenEye”) NEXT FILM: “X-Men 2”
1971 [30] Jonny Greenwood, Oxford ENG, rock musician (Radiohead-“Amnesiac”)
1973 [28] Alexei Yashin, Sverdlovsk RUS, pain-in-the-butt NHL center that Ottawa Senators were happy to trade to NY Islanders)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Guy Fawkes Day” in England, a traditional celebration since 1752. It commemorates the 1605 ‘Gunpowder Plot’ when Fawkes-led Catholics attempted to blow up the Parliament Buildings. Brit kids prepare effigies of Fawkes, straw dummies known as ‘guys’, then burn them in bonfires. (We have a different name for this here – pyromania.)
THIS MONTH is “Family Stories Month”, a good excuse to ask an older person to tell you a fascinating story about his or her youth. (Then immediately leave.)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1923 [78] 1st ‘electric shaver’ patented (and 1st guy suffers severe pain when nose hair gets caught)
1933 [68] 1st ‘stereo broadcast’ on FM (Edwin Howard Armstrong)
1935 [66] Board game ‘Monopoly’ launched by Parker Bros
1995 [06] 1st NBA game at Vancouver’s GM Place (Grizzlies beat Timberwolves in OT)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1937 [64] World’s ‘oldest cat’ dies at age 34
1971 [30] LA Lakers begin ‘longest winning streak’ in pro sports history by winning first of 33 consecutive basketball games
1994 [07] 45-year-old George Foreman becomes ‘oldest heavyweight boxing champ’ by KO-ing Michael Moorer
1996 [05] NY Yankee SS Derek Jeter becomes 5th unanimous choice in AL history for ‘AL Rookie of the Year’ (ya, but he’s got freaky eyes)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Saxophone Day
[Wed] 35th CMA Awards
[Wed-Sun] Canadian Finals Rodeo (Edmonton)
[Wed] Take Our Kids to Work Day
[Thurs] Cook Something Bold & Pungent Day
[Thurs] Parents as Teachers Day
[Thurs] Abet & Aid Punsters Day
[Sun] Veterans Day
National Split Pea Soup Week
[Sun] Remembrance Day
Canadian Career Week
Child Safety & Protection Month
Peanut Butter Lovers’ Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“What’s the most embarrassing product to ask for in a store?” (According to one poll, the top 5 are — adult diapers, condoms, hemorrhoid products, yeast infection medication, and tampons.)
BS ’80s QUIZ:
• What was the sequel to the 1984 hit film “Romancing the Stone”? [“The Jewel of the Nile”]
• What singing group recorded an updated version of the Ritchie Valens classic hit “La Bamba” for the soundtrack of his bio-film? [Los Lobos]
• In 1982, what actor was killed on the set of “Twilight Zone: The Movie”? [Vic Morrow]
• What was the name of the lead singer of the “Dead Kennedys”? [Jello Biafra]
• A year before 1983’s “The Big Chill”, Glenn Close made her bigscreen debut in what movie? [“The World According to Garp”]
(Source: “The ’80s Server”)
BS TAG LINE:
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
WELCOME!
BS salutes new subscriber Dan Christopherson @ THE HOG Sioux Falls SD and these discerning newbies uploading BS this week — Ron Cohns @ KHUM Ferndale CA, Mac Dickson @ WMME Augusta GA, Tommy Stowe @ Q100 Atlanta GA, and Dan Hentschel @ KTXO Texarkana TX. Remember, if you upgrade to an annual subscription, you’ll save 20% off BS monthly rates!
