Friday, June 15, 2001 Edition: #2078
“Beer . . . It’s not just for breakfast anymore!”
BS REASONS YOU WEREN’T NAMED ‘FATHER OF THE YEAR’:
• You once lost 2 of your kids in a poker game.
• You caught your son reading “Penthouse” and thought a good punishment would be to take him to a strip club all day so he’d get sick of looking at naked women.
• You’re always teaching the kids new things, like how to throw a fake seizure in the liquor store so you can pocket a couple 40’s.
• You never, ever hug your daughter — thanks to the plexiglass between you.
• The only reason you like to take your son out for a walk in the stroller is because he’s a chick magnet.
• When your daughter gets an ‘A’ in sex ed, you say, “I learned you real good, girl.”
• More than once, you’ve scolded your son by saying, “All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TOMORROW Canadian jazz legend Oscar Peterson makes a rare appearance at Toronto’s Massey Hall as part of the “JVC Jazz Festival” (he’s inducted into the Canadian Jazz Hall of
Fame THIS MONTH) . . . Anthony Hopkins is in talks about reprising his role as ‘Hannibal Lecter’ in a prequel to “Silence of the Lambs” called “Red Dragon” (in this one he only eats child portions) . . . And picture this – Ricky Martin & Jennifer Lopez are looking at doing a remake of “Viva Las Vegas”, the ’60s movie that starred Elvis Presley & Ann-Margret, as soon as contract negotiations are complete (like who gets top billing) . . . Word is disgraced former US Olympic skater Tonya Harding is pitching the idea of a TOPLESS ice review in Las Vegas, to star herself and her newly augmented, uh, figure (hey, break a leg, babe!) . . . Reports say Julia Roberts just plopped down over $350,000 for a luxurious 3-bedroom RV with satellite dish, navigation system and Jacuzzi, and plans to tour the US THIS SUMMER with fiancé Benjamin Bratt – and a professional driver (we always knew she was trailer trash).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Michael J Fox heads the voice cast of Disney’s animated epic “Atlantis: The Lost Empire”, about a ragtag band of explorers burrowing for the legendary lost city . . . In “Tomb Raider”, Angelina Jolie plays action hero ‘Lara Croft’ on a global quest to stop power-mad conspirators (her dad, Jon Voight, co-stars).
WACKY WORLD OF BS:
• Cancer experts in the UK are fuming over a new children’s doll that ‘tans in the sun’. Yup, the 12-inch toy turns deep brown after just a few minutes of sunbathing and even gets tan lines because it stays pale under its bikini and sunglasses. (No word if ‘Little Miss Melanoma’ will be marketed here.)
• Thousands of eunuchs from across India are converging in a remote northern town for a national convention demanding an expanded role in politics. (Well, they’ve got balls! Oh wait, no they don’t.)
• Malaysian driver Lim Ang Hing was shocked to receive a speeding ticket which claimed he was travelling at 712 mph, almost the speed of sound. Local police say there was probably some sort of technical glitch (ya think?). Unbelievably, this is the SECOND screw-up of this kind — a cab driver was recently ticketed for 698 mph. (Wait a sec, a cab driver? That may be possible!)
• There’s a problem in New Zealand with people attending strangers’ funerals — just to get a free lunch! Funeral directors say the ‘professional mourners’ scan funeral announcements in newspapers to find locations. One elderly couple has apparently been doing it for 20 years. (This is really tacky — you get a much better meal crashing weddings.)
• Australia has 6 varieties of so-called ‘mimic birds’ which commonly emulate sounds in nature and ornithologists say some of them have been sounding a tad strange of late. Seems the electronic tweeting of mobile phones is now so widespread that some are mimicking that sound as part of their mating and territorial songs. (For more information, check your Birder’s Guide under ‘Imitatus Nokias’.)
BS SHOCKING FACTS:
• According to the new “Oxford English Dictionary”, ‘Doh’ is now an official word in the English language.
• A group of fundamentalist religious leaders is calling for American drivers to consider “What would Jesus drive?” before buying a gas-guzzling SUV. (Probably a Christ-ler.)
THE BULL SHEET 06.15.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1920 [81] Sam Sniderman, Toronto ON, ‘Sam the Record Man’ music retailer
1954 [47] Jim Belushi, Chicago IL, film actor (“K-911″. “Wag the Dog”)/late John Belushi’s brother NEXT FILM The Tim Allen comedy, “Joe Somebody”, opening in DECEMBER
1963 [38] Helen Hunt, LA CA, film actress (“What Women Want”, “Cast Away”, Oscar-“As Good As It Gets”) NEXT FILM: Woody Allen’s “The Curse of the Jade Scorpion”, opening AUGUST 10. NOTE: She appeared on the “Mary Tyler Moore Show” as the daughter of ‘Murray Slaughter’ when she was just 7-years-old.
1964 [37] Courteney Cox Arquette, Birmingham AL, rich TV actress (Monica Geller-“Friends”)/movie actress (“Scream I-III”)/Mrs David Arquette who may or may not be pregnant
1966 [35] Michael Britt, Fort Worth TX, country singer (Lonestar-“I’m Already There”)
1969 [32] Ice Cube (O’Shea Jackson), LA CA, rap artist/movie actor (“Three Kings”, “Boyz in the Hood”) NEXT FILM: John Carpenter’s horror thriller “Ghosts of Mars”, opening AUGUST 24
1970 [31] Leah Remini, Brooklyn NY, TV actress (Carrie Heffernan-“The King of Queens”) NOTE: She auditioned for the role of ‘Monica’ on “Friends” but lost to Courteney Cox
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1952 [49] Gino Vanelli, Montréal PQ, classic CanCon singer (“Black Cars”, “Living Inside Myself”)
1973 [28] Eddie Cibrian, Burbank CA, TV actor (Jimmy Doherty-“Third Watch”).
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “St Vitus Day”, honoring the patron saint of comedians, actors and dancers.
TODAY is “Smile Power Day”, recognizing the second-best thing you can do with your lips.
Normally the “Symphony of Fire” international fireworks competition would begin THIS WEEKEND in Toronto and Montréal, but government regulations disallowing tobacco company sponsorship (Benson & Hedges) means the annual festival can’t get a light this year. Last we heard, organizers for the Vancouver “Symphony of Fire” later this summer were optimistic about attracting new sponsors. (Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.)
THIS WEEK is “National Public Service Week” in Canada, to recognize ‘the many ways in which the members of Canada’s federal public service contribute to the quality of life we enjoy’. (Hahahaha . . . oh, sorry.)
SUNDAY is “Fathers’ Day”, now celebrated in about 20 countries, the 3rd Sunday of June in Canada, the US and UK.
• In a new a new Ipsos-Reid poll, one-third of Canadians say they see their fathers as prime examples of ‘fashion don’ts’.
• An estimated $1 billion is now spent on “Father’s Day” gifts annually.
• “Father’s Day” is the 4th most popular special day for dining out, after birthdays, “Mother’s Day” and “Valentine’s Day”, according to the National Restaurant Association.
• “Fathers Day” ranks as North America’s 5th-largest card-giving occasion, but only about 60% as many “Fathers Day” cards are bought annually compared to “Mothers Day”.
• While dads get 85% as many phone calls as moms on their day, more COLLECT calls are made on “Fathers Day” than on any other day of the year.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1956 [45] 15-year-old John Lennon 1st meets 13-year-old Paul McCartney
1998 [03] Spice Girls (minus ‘Ginger’) launch their 1st North American tour in Miami (how fast they’ve fallen!)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] Eat Your Vegetables Day
[Mon] International Panic Day
Support Group Recognition Week
Frozen Yogurt Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What’s the biggest lie you’ve put on a resume in order to get a job?”
• “What’s the grossest thing you ever saw someone do at the beach?”
• “What article of clothing should your partner never wear, but you don’t have the guts to tell them?”
BS ANIMALIA:
• What animal’s heart beats only 9 times per minute? [The whale. A hummingbird’s heart, on the other hand, thumps away at 1,260 beats a minute. The rule of thumb is the bigger the animal, the slower the heartbeat. So shouldn’t fat people live longer?]
• 500,000 tons of this is found annually on the sidewalks and streets of Paris. [Doggie doo. But that’s only half the crap you get from a French waiter.]
• What animal can go without water even longer than a camel? [The rat. Shannen Doherty once went an entire half-hour without a drink.]
BS TAG LINE:
If a child looks like his father, that’s heredity. If he looks like a neighbor, that’s environment.
