Thursday, May 17, 2001 Edition: #2057
At The End of the Day, It Wasn’t The End of Day
According to a nationwide survey, the most-used excuse for being late to work is ‘traffic’, cited by 24% of tardy employees. How dull! So here’s some . . .
BS CREATIVE EXCUSES FOR BEING LATE FOR WORK:
• “One of my personalities was dawdling.”
• “Got a hernia pulling on my socks.”
• “I was early yesterday.”
• “I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you’re on.”
• “It’s been so hot the molecules on the road expanded thereby increasing the distance between my home and work.”
• “My house is burning down and the fire engine’s blocking my driveway.”
• “Couldn’t find my artificial limb.”
• The unique and rarely used, “I hate this job and don’t really give a damn about being on time.”
• “I tried to get away earlier but your wife said she had energy for one more.”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Jean Chretien does a guest shot on “Open Mike With Mike Bullard” (10pm on The Comedy Network and midnight on CTV) . . . TODAY the June issue of the Brit edition of “Cosmopolitan” goes on sale, the one that features Eminem naked in a ‘sealed’ centerfold (we hear it’s a ‘pop-up book’) . . . TONIGHT FOX-TV continues its tradition of weird specials with “America’s Most Wanted Presents Judgment Night: The Ultimate Test” in which convicted criminals who claim to be innocent go up against the most advanced DNA testing available (if they could get Robert Blake on, they might have something!) . . . TONIGHT Colombian “Miss Universe” contestant Andrea Noceti is scheduled to appear on “Late Night”, the one David Letterman had to apologize to for claiming she swallowed 50 balloons full of heroin in the talent competition (tonight she’ll try for 60) . . . Brad Pitt is launching a high-end clothing line, said to be inspired by his own wardrobe (will people pay a premium for stinky Ts?) . . . It is untrue that Robert Blake has been complaining, “I can’t even get arrested in this town.”
MOVIES IN THE MAKIN’:
Halle Berry refused to do a topless scene in the upcoming hacker flick “Swordfish” — until she was offered a half-million-dollar bonus, which works out to a quarter-mill EACH (flabby co-star John Travolta was offered the same amount if he’d keep his shirt on) . . . “Life is Beautiful” Oscar-winner Roberto Benigni is set to write, direct and star in a new movie version of “Pinocchio” (“This is monumental! Itsa growing again, bella bella!”) . . . Matt Damon and Casey Affleck (Ben’s little brother) will co-star in the low budget film “Jerry”, a story about two guys stuck in the desert that will be totally improvised (“You got any water? ”Nope, you?”).
DECIDING WHO WEARS THE PANTS:
The latest issue of the science journal “Nature” reveals that, because snails have both male and female sex organs, they compete in ‘penis fencing’ before sex to determine which gets to play the male role in the relationship. (Sort of like dating Ricky Martin.)
WACKY WORLD OF BS:
• Hookers in Cancun, Mexico are now showing up for work in uniforms — tight black shorts and yellow tops — to protest a government order to move outside the city center. (Next they’ll be wearing numbers and keeping stats.)
• Due to the high cost of cemetery plots in Japan, the country’s largest shipping firm is planning to offer a new ‘funeral ash-scattering service’ at sea. (Soon the Pacific will be the world’s biggest ash hole. Replacing Adam Sandler.)
• You think our navy’s a joke? Sweden’s armed forces have just banned ‘overtime’ for military personnel. So because sailors are now limited to a regular workday, Swedish warships will spend most of the time anchored in ports. (Never pick on a Swede 9-5.)
THE BULL SHEET 05.17.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1936 [65] Dennis Hopper, Dodge City KS, movie actor (“Speed”, “Easy Rider”)
1950 [51] Christian Lacroix, Arles FRA, Paris fashion designer
1955 [46] Bill Paxton, Ft Worth TX, film actor (“U-571″, “Titanic”, “Twister”)
1961 [40] Enya (Eithne Ni Bhraonain), Gweedore IRE, pop/new age jazz singer (“Watermark”)
1974 [27] Andrea Corr, Dundalk IRE, pop/rock/Celtic singer (The Corrs-“In Blue”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “UN World Telecommunications Day”
• “Pack Rat Day”, celebrating people who squirrel away all kinds of ‘stuff’.
• “National Be A Millionaire Day”, a celebration of the joys of achieving millionaire status.
• “National Employee Health & Fitness Day”
THIS WEEK’S 19th annual “Canada-Wide Science Fair” continues through SUNDAY in Kingston ON with some 300 entries from across the country. So what’s the weirdest science on display?
PHONER: PHONER: 613-544-6925 x250 (Heather Highet)
NET: http://www.cwsf2001.org/
TODAY-Saturday the “World Championship Barbecue Cooking Contest” sizzles in Memphis TN. Over 250 teams break out their best barbecue in an attempt to claim a chunk of over $40,000 in prizes. Certified by Guinness as the world’s largest barbecue contest, this ‘Super Bowl of Swine’ will use up over 30 tons of pork and draw upwards of 100,000 visitors.
PHONER: 901-525-4611 (Diane Hampton)
NET: http://www.memphisinmay.org/Barbecue/
ON THIS DAY . . .
1996 [05] 2,000 Swedish protestors stage mass urination on “Pee Outdoors Day” to protest construction of a sewage plant (they were REALLY PO’d!)
1998 [03] Then-NY Yankee David Wells pitches 15th perfect game in the 118 years of MLB (27 batters, 27 outs; no hits, no runs, no errors) as NY blanks Minnesota Twins 4-0
2000 [01] Series finale of “Beverly Hills 90210” after 10 long years (the ‘teenage’ actors are now at at the Rest Home For Washed Up Teen Idols)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1845 [156] 1st ‘rubber band’ (next day a 10-year-old boy pokes out his eye)
1939 [62] 1st Canadian visit by a reigning British monarch (George VI)
1993 [08] 1st computers using ‘Pentium’ chips unveiled (immediately making your $4000 PC a piece of junk)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1980 [21] Kumar Anandan sets record of balancing on 1 foot for 33 hrs (think that’s easy? – try and make 3 minutes!)
1989 [12] Longest cab ride travels 14,000 miles and costs $16,000 (and man, what a tip!)
1999 [02] Biggest criminal compensation package in Canadian history as David Milgaard accepts $10 million in compensation from Saskatchewan for wrongful conviction and 23 years of imprisonment in 1969 sex slaying
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Daytime Emmy Awards
[Fri] National Bike to Work Day
[Fri] International Museum Day
[Mon] Victoria Day (no BS service)
Coach Recognition Week
National Barbeque Month (aka ‘Buy a Fire Extinguisher Month’)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“What’s the strangest thing you’ve seen someone doing while driving another vehicle?” (In the just-released 3rd annual Aggressive Driving Study from the Canada Safety Council, 74% of Canadian drivers admit to performing personal or work-related tasks while driving, 76% say that seeing other drivers reading, eating or talking on phones while driving is likely to increase their stress level and heighten their aggressiveness on the road, and 85% of us admit to aggressive driving in the past year.)
BS SPORTS QUIZ:
Q: Who is the sole MLB player whose uniform has only his first name written on the back?
A: Seattle Mariner Ichiro (EECH-ee-row) Suzuki, who began using his first name exclusively in his native Japan because there were so many Suzukis on his team.
Q: Who is the shortest NBA player in history to be named MVP?
A: Just-named 2001 MVP Allen Iverson of the Philadelphia Sixers, who’s a slight 6 ft.
Q: What’s the plural of the word ‘marlin’?
A: According to “Websters College Dictionary”, it’s ‘marlin,’ not ‘marlins’ — which means Florida’s NL baseball team is misnamed. The same would seem to be true of the NFL’s Miami Dolphin(s).
Q: To be official, this has to be 16 ft, 3 ins long and just 4 ins wide.
A: A balance beam in gymnastics.
BS TAG LINE:
Do it today! Tomorrow it might be bad for your health or illegal.
In one year, THE BULL SHEET gives you an unbelievable 2,500 lifestyle and entertainment stories, 1,000 unusual verified facts, 750 interesting phone numbers, and at least 500 trivia questions!
