Wednesday, January 24, 2001 Edition: #1976
TODAY is “National Compliment Day”, a day set aside annually when we are encouraged to give compliments to 5 people. Might we suggest . . .
• “It must take a lot of self-confidence to wear something that unusual.”
• “It’s nice to see success hasn’t gone to your head — just your mouth.”
• “I sure envy you for not feeling like you need to run out and buy a new car every 10 or 15 years.”
• “You look like a million — every year of it.”
• “You’re not as bad as people say — you’re much, much worse.”
• “Glad to see you’re a woman who understands there’s more to life than keeping the house clean.”
• “You always seem to have your ear to the ground. How IS life in the gutter?”
• “It’s good you’re so optimistic about getting a promotion. False hope is better than no hope at all.”
• “Your new outfit looks great. Black is so slimming, isn’t it?”
• “You are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk.”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Golden Globe winner Robert Downey Jr has signed to appear in as many as 11 additional episodes of “Ally McBeal” (depending on how long he can avoid going back to the slammer) . . . Forget about that announcement of her movie debut – Britney Spears has a bit part as a flight attendant and Justin Timberlake does a cameo in the film ”Longshot”, a comedy scheduled to release THIS SPRING that was actually shot 2 years ago . . . Word is ‘N Sync are considering taking a breather following the release of their next album, taking time to concentrate on ‘individual projects’ (like that wedding, Justin?) . . . Jennifer Lopez says she lives clean because she just doesn’t have any time for vices — QUOTE: “I don’t even have the 3 minutes it takes to smoke a cigarette” (geez Puffy, the sex must be good, eh?).
WACKY WARNING LABELS:
Mention a few of these ACTUAL warnings found on products and your phone will soon start flashing with lots more . . .
• Hair dryer: “Never use hair dryer while sleeping.”
• Deodorant: “Caution: Do not spray in eyes.”
• Auto dashboard sunshield: “Do not drive with sunshield in place.”
• Fast-food toy giveaway: “Warning: This bag is not a toy.”
• Chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.”
• Iron: “Never iron clothes while they are being worn.”
DID YOU KNOW?:
• Reptiles are now the fastest-growing category of pets in North America. (The reason your kid keeps whining, “I wanna iguana.”)
• Each day in North America, 54 acres of crossword puzzles are filled out. (With one last freakin’ word missing in every one of them!)
• A blond-haired, blue-eyed person with fair skin is known as a ‘xanthochroid’. (We thought it was a ‘Gwyneth’.)
• Over 10% of all the salt produced annually in the world is used to de-ice North American roads. (And reduce your rocker panels to rust.)
• Males are twice as likely to be robbed as females. (Except of their virginity.)
THE BULL SHEET 01.24.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1917 [84] Ernest Borgnine, Hamden CT, hairy-backed movie actor (Oscar-“Marty”, “McHale’s Navy”)
1941 [60] Neil Diamond, Coney Island NY, oldies singer (“Sweet Caroline”, “Cracklin’ Rosie”)
1941 [60] Aaron Neville, New Orleans LA, oldies singer (“Tell It Like It Is”, w/Linda Ronstadt-“Don’t Know Much“)
1948 [53] Michael Ontkean, Vancouver BC, movie actor (“Postcards from the Edge”, “Slap Shot”)
1963 [38] Keech Rainwater, Plano TX, country musician (Lonestar-“Amazed”, “Tequila Talkin”)
1979 [22] Tatyana Ali, North Bellmore NY, pop singer (“Daydreamin”)/movie actress (“Jawbreaker”, “Kiss the Girls”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Chinese New Year”, beginning the year 4699 on the ancient Chinese calendar, designated as the ‘Year of the Snake’. Singapore has banned traditional firecrackers as hazardous since 1972, so the holiday will be celebrated with ‘TechnoCrackers’, plastic crackers that use compressed air to make the popping sound, and can be recycled. Great idea!
THIS WEEK is “Direct Deposit Week”, which either has to do with having your pay directly deposited into your bank account or making babies the ‘old fashioned’ way.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1908 [93] 1st ‘Boy Scout’ troop organized by Sir Robert Baden-Powell in UK
1922 [79] 1st ‘ice cream bar’ (‘Eskimo Pie’, created by Christian Nelson-Onawa IA)
1935 [66] 1st ‘beer in cans’ (and 1st can crumpled against college student’s forehead)
1984 [17] Apple Computer markets 1st ‘Macintosh’ PC
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Fun At Work Day (isn’t every day?)
[Sat] Thomas Crapper Day (the guy was flushed with pride)
[Sun] Super Bowl XXXV (Baltimore vs NYG @ Tampa)
Health Awareness Week (ohmygawd . . . I’m still alive! ALIVE!!!!)
National Yours Mine and Ours Month (the bills are yours, the TV’s mine, and the divorce is ours)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SFX THEATER:
You read the story, line by line, while a caller or guest provides the sound effects. Today’s story is called – “The Super Bowl Party” . . .
You’re all ready for your big Super Bowl bash. In fact you’ve had the pre-game show on your bigscreen TV since noon with the announcers blathering away (SFX). The doorbell rings (SFX) and your friend Ralph is first to arrive, so you welcome him in (SFX), open a cold one for him (SFX) and give him some chips to munch on (SFX). As your other buddies arrive, Ralph opens himself another brewsky (SFX). The game turns out to be the most boring defensive struggle in history, but finally elicits a weak cheer from your pals when one team scores a safety just before the half (SFX). To celebrate, Ralph opens his 13th beer (SFX) and guzzles it down (SFX). The second half is even duller than the first and with 5 minutes left, all your guests are snoring (SFX) except Ralph, who has personally killed an entire case of barley sandwiches. You can hear him down the hall, driving the big white bus (SFX). “No wonder his name is Ralph”, your wife comments sarcastically. Then she notices the final score is 2 to 0. “I win the total points pool!“ she exclaims and cheers obnoxiously (SFX).
BS TAG LINE:
How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank? You call them up and tell them you can’t come.
