November 2, 2000 Edition: #1924
NOVEMBER is “International Drum Month”. So to honor drummers everywhere . . .
• Why is a drum machine better than a drummer? [Because it can keep a steady beat and won’t sleep with your girlfriend.]
• How can you tell when the stage riser is level? [The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer’s mouth.]
• What does a drummer use for contraception? [His personality.]
• What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend? [Homeless.]
• What’s the last thing a drummer says in a band? [“Hey, let’s try one of my songs.”]
• What did the professional drummer say when he got a job? [“Would you like fries with that?”]
• Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? [Me neither.]
• What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? [A drummer.]
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Elton John headlines the last concert at England’s Wembley Stadium before the venue is razed (get ready for “Candle in the Wind 2000″ – ‘Goodbye football park, we’ll never play here again . . .’) . . . TONIGHT FOX-TV airs another of its infamous reality specials –“Surprise Wedding”, in which 5 five women will propose to their unsuspecting, marriage-shy boyfriends (if it doesn’t work out, they can always appear on FOX’s game show special “I Want a Divorce” coming in FEBRUARY) . . . That BMG/Napster agreement means there will soon be a monthly membership fee to download music off the ‘Net (and soon be ANOTHER way to get freebees).
MOVIES IN THE WORKS:
You might have heard Mike Myers is getting $20 million to play ‘Inspector Clouseau’ in a remake of The Pink Panther”, but did you hear he was the 3rd choice – after Kevin Spacey and Kevin Kline? . . . She starred in his “Pulp Fiction” and now Uma Thurman will take the lead in Quentin Tarantino’s “Kill Bill” (please, no more hypos in the chest — my heart can’t take it!) . . . Daniel Day-Lewis is honing his role as killer ‘Bill “The Butcher” Poole’ in Martin Scorsese’s upcoming “Gangs of New York” by working in an English butcher shop several hours a day, hacking away at slabs of meat (oh, is Sylvester Stallone in this?).
WIDE WORLD OF BS:
• As a protest over being imprisoned, a convict in Lasthat, Romania hammered 7 nails into his head and swallowed 12 smaller nails with a glass of water. Doctors say the prisoner, who is serving an 8-year sentence for theft, is now in stable condition in hospital. (With a bunch of nice pictures hanging from his skull.)
• A French woman has married her fiancee — 3 months after he died in a car accident. After recovering from her shock, she decided she still wanted to marry him, so his coffin was dug up and the families went through with the ceremony. A Parisian lawyer notes that French law can be very flexible when it comes to people’s emotions. (Better to know that your spouse-to-be is dead at the altar than find out during the honeymoon.)
• A company in Finland is developing so-called “Smart Car Tires” that apparently can inform drivers of any change in their condition by contacting them via mobile phone. (The annoying part is when the spare tire in the trunk keeps calling you up to say he’s lonely.)
THE BULL SHEET 11.02.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1938 [62] Pat.Buchanan, Washington DC, right-wing TV commentator/politician (2000 Reform Party US presidential candidate)
1961 [39] kd (Katherine Dawn) lang, Consort AB, pop singer (“Summerfling”, “Constant Craving”)/actress Leisha Hailey’s partner
1969 [31] Reginald “Fieldy” Arvizu, Bakersfield CA, rock bassist (Korn-“Issues”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Men Make Dinner Day”. (As the #1 chef in this household, this sounds a bit on the retro side. Who cooks in your family?)
TODAY is “National Deviled Egg Day”. (Tomorrow is keep the door open to air out the studio day.)
TODAY is “Plan Your Epitaph Day”, dedicated to the proposition that a forgettable gravestone is a fate worse than death. The idea is to get creative NOW — while you still can. Check the Website for wacky epitaphs like “I made an ash of myself”.
PHONER: 707-822-6924 (Lance Hardie-Arcata CA)
NET: http://www.hardiehouse.org/epitaph/
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1993 [07] Innovative new product ‘The Sports Diaper’ goes on the market, designed for couch potatoes too involved in TV sports to leave
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1936 [64] ‘Canadian Broadcasting Act’ creates the CBC (will it retire at 65?)
1999 [01] 1st sports league to create a 24-hr TV network (NBA.com TV)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Sandwich Day
[Sat] Sadie Hawkins Day
World Communication Week
Aviation History Month (that Air India flight, for instance)
BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?
• 50 years ago, Canada’s population was just 14 million. (True, according to the 1950 census.)
• The CNR is partially owned by Bill Gates. (True. He just spent $475 million to buy about 5% of it.)
• There are now over 300 countries in the world. (BS. The latest UN count is 188.)
• Lids for beer steins were invented to keep evil spirits out of beer. (True. In fact, I had evil sprits in my beer Saturday night.)
• 1 in 4 women are natural blondes. (BS. It’s true that about 25% of Canadian and American women are born blonde, but only an estimated 5% remain so after puberty.)
• In general, men can read smaller print than women. (True. Maybe that’s why Anna Nicole Smith didn’t understand the pre-nup.)
• The ‘You are here’ arrow on a map is called the ‘IDEO locator’. (True. That’s IDEO, not idiot.)
• Canada’s first newspaper was “The Globe & Mail”. (BS. According to “All Canadian Trivia: Millennium Edition”, it was “The Halifax Gazette” in 1751.)
BS TAG LINE:
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
