July 31, 2000     More From the Sheet House     Edition:  #1857

BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• How do you know when you have run out of invisible ink?
• What exactly do people mean when they say “the computer went down on me”?
• If a ‘food processor’ slices and dices food, what does a ‘word processor’ do?
• How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
• How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
• In the morning, don’t you wish you could get a mirror with a better view?
• Do pilots take ‘crash courses’?

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• In case you’ve been in a coma, “E! Online” confirms Brad Pitt wed Jennifer Aniston SATURDAY in a million-dollar ceremony with 200 guests under a gigantic “larger than a circus” tent on a bluff overlooking the Pacific in Malibu. (This wedding was the Pitts’.)
• “Star” tells us that, as a teenager, the new Mrs Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, shaved her head, grew a mohawk & weighed 140 lbs. (Ew, attractive!)
• According to “Globe”, Queen Elizabeth has ordered Prince Edward to have intimate relations with wife Sophie. She’s reportedly worried that the Prince, long rumored to be gay, just isn’t spending enough ‘quality time’ with the wife. (Sophie says, “Don’t worry – someday my prince will come.”)
• “Extra Extra!” says Clint Eastwood is about to make AOL’s day with his first-ever online chat TONIGHT at 8 pm ET to promote his new flick “Space Cowboys” which opens FRIDAY. (It’s at AOL Keyword: Space Cowboys.)
• “X-Men” co-star Rebecca Romijn-Stamos tells “Globe” she’s been having lusty dreams about actress Liv Tyler. (Well join the club.)
• “National Enquirer” reports former Mr Janet Jackson, Rene Elizondo, plans to reveal in a tell-all book that his ex- has a HUGE sexual appetite, a “love for pain” and enjoys dressing like a slut. He’ll also reportedly list the men she slept with to get ahead. (Obviously not him.)

E-DATING:
New research shows your chances of getting lucky are better on the Internet than in a singles bar. The bad news is – so are you chances of getting a sexually transmitted disease! (And so are the chances of that seemingly cute chick with the screen name Bambi’ turning out to be a 300-lb trucker named Ralph.)

BYE TO THE BOOM:
The oldest ‘Baby Boomers’ turn 54 this year. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, at current mortality rates, the LAST boomer will die about 2070. (Sounds like a movie – ‘The Last Boomer’.)

GIMME THE REAL STUFF:
Not only will you NOT get a jolt from decaf coffee, it may actually make you sleepy! A new study shows that the chemicals used to remove caffeine from beverages such as coffee and cola can act as a sedative. It did so for 40% of the test subjects. (And they Zzzzzzzz . . .)

DRIVE-TIME FACTS:
• 81% of us have sung in the car.
• 67% have made obscene gestures at others.
• 42% have eaten a meal while driving.
• 8% have read while driving.
• 7% have fallen asleep at the wheel.
• 3% have a TV in the car.
(Source: Gallup Poll)

THE BULL SHEET 07.31.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1962    [38] Wesley Snipes, Orlando FL, film actor (“Blade”, “US Marshals”, “Murder at 1600″)
1965    [35] JK (Joanne) Rowling, Chepstow ENG, mega-selling author of ‘Harry Potter’ series who’s sold more than 35 million copies worldwide, translated into 31 languages NOTE: Just 3 years ago she was a single parent struggling to make a living and writing in cafes during her young daughter’s naps
1966    [34] Dean Cain, Mt Clemens MI, TV host (“Ripley’s Believe It or Not”)/ex-TV ‘Superman’ (“Lois & Clark”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Some long-suffering mom or dad somewhere decided that TODAY is “Parents Day”, so here’s some —
BS THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR A PARENT SAY:
• “Can you turn up that music? It really calms my nerves.”
• “You can’t finish your peas? Go ahead and throw ’em away.”
• “Waiter! More ice cream for the little one!”
• “Go ahead, take the car — and here’s 50 bucks for gas.”
• “As a matter of fact, let’s BOTH go get nose rings!”

TODAY is “Hoagie Day 2000″ in Philadelphia, celebrating the city’s ‘official sandwich’. Beginning at 3 am this morning 150 workers began constructing a 6,700-foot, mile-and-a-quarter-long hoagie (aka ‘sub’) around City Hall that will be served up to the public beginning at noon.

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1997    [03] One of the dumbest-ever baseball trades as Oakland A’s send HR king Mark McGwire to St Louis Cardinals

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1893    [107] 1st patent for ‘shredded wheat’ (Henry Perky)
1922     [78] 1st ‘water skis’ (Ralph Samuelson-MN)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Sisters’ Day
[Tues] International Clown Week
[Tues] Psychic Week
[Tues] World Breastfeeding Week
Appreciate a Geezer Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS BASIC COOKING TERMS:
• Arab Coffee — Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint.
• Porridge — Thick oatmeal rarely found on breakfast tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents.
• Tongue — A variety of meat rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
• Recipe — A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, for a dish you’ll never make.
• Yogurt — One of only 3 foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other 2 are goulash and squid.

BS TAG LINE: All people smile in the same language.