WEEKEND TABLOID BS:
• Further proof that if you take sexy snaps, sooner or later they will surface: Rihanna is allegedly the subject of a series of 7 self-shot pics leaked online that show a mostly nude woman posing provocatively. Her record label Def Jam Music Group has sent cease & desist notices to websites that have posted the pics. Now who would be spiteful enough to leak these? A rep has issued a statement from Chris Brown saying … it wasn’t me. (He has flunkies to do this stuff.)
NET: http://thedirty.com
– TheInsider.com
• TV talk show host Ellen DeGeneres & her actress-partner Portia De Rossi top a new poll of women asking which famous folks would make the ‘Most Trusted Celebrity Babysitters’. In another blow for mom-of-6 Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt’s previous wife Jennifer Aniston came in 2nd while Jolie trailed at #3. (Would you trust flaky Jen to babysit … your goldfish?)
– StarPulse.com
• “Spider-Man” actor Tobey Maguire & his jewelry designer-wife Jennifer Meyer are celebrating the arrival of a new baby boy. The couple’s 2nd child was born Friday. No name has been announced as yet. Meyer gave birth to their daughter Ruby in 2006. (Why not call him ‘Jerry’?)
– “Life & Style Magazine”
• Mia Farrow has ended her fast after 12 days after doctors told her she was risking her health if she continued. The 64-year-old actress began a hunger strike April 27th and hoped to survive without food for 21 days as part of an effort to raise awareness about the plight of starving refugees in the Sudan. (She only weighed like 80 lbs when she started.)
– ETonline.com
• A bizarre twist in the case of the UCLA hospital worker who sold medical records of Britney Spears, Farah Fawcett and many other celebs to tabloids … she has died. Lawanda Jackson pled guilty in December to violating federal medical privacy law. She was scheduled to be sentenced today in court, but her lawyer has notified the judge that his client died from breast cancer in March. Jackson had worked for the hospital for 32 years before her arrest.
– TMZ.com
• The official line is Amy Winehouse was forced to cut her first performance in 8 months short due to heavy rain at an outdoor venue of the St Lucia Jazz Festival Friday night. However, a UK tabloid claims she showed up drunk, an hour late, struggled to remember lyrics, guzzled booze between songs, and mumbled her way through one with her back to the audience. The tabloid says their video proves that the truth of it is … she was booed off the stage.
NET: http://tinyurl.com/qoowg6
– “News Of the World”

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Gossip Girl” (CW) – Fresh off their 5-year hiatus, No Doubt makes an appearance, performing Adam & the Ants’ “Stand & Deliver” in a flashback scene as fictional 1980s band Snowed Out.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Country star Jason Aldean performs in a rerun show.
• “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Soulja Boy Tellem is onstage.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – The Killers are the musical guest.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Ciara (“Love, Sex, Magic”) performs.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – 1990s girl group En Vogue performs.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Beyoncé – She tells “Marie Claire” magazine she’s planning a 2-year career hiatus after her current tour so she can focus on her private life. She’s now finishing up the European leg of her “I Am …” tour.
• Brooks & Dunn / Dierks Bentley – At the final stop of their Australian tour in Sydney they’ve each been presented the CMA’s ‘International Artist Achievement Award’ for contributing to international awareness and development of county music.
• Dolly Parton – She’s received an honorary doctorate degree of humane & musical letters from the University of Tennessee in Knoxville. She says her ‘Double-Ds’ now stand for ‘Doctor Dolly’.
• Madonna – Britain’s “Sunday Mirror” reports the 50-year-old & her 22-year-old Brazilian boy-toy Jesus Luz are planning to take part in a ‘commitment ceremony’ at the Kabbalah Centre in NYC. (An attempt to make her adoption case seem more legit?)
• Seal – He’s announced on “Oprah” that he & pregnant model-wife Heidi Klum will get their wish and welcome their first daughter together later this year. The “Project Runway” host is already mom to 5-year-old daughter Leni (via Italian businessman Flavio Briatore) and to 2 boys with  Seal. The couple celebrated their 4th anniversary yesterday by getting married again in a private ceremony … their annual ritual.

GRIM REAPER HATES HARP PLAYERS:
70-year-old Andy Mackie is a Scottish-born retired horse trainer who lives in a camper in northwest Washington state. After 9 heart surgeries, he was being kept alive by a combination of 15 different medications. At least … he thought he was. When he could no longer tolerate the side effects, he threw all his pills away and decided to use the prescription money to buy harmonicas for school kids in order to spread his love of music. Instead of slowly dying without his pharmaceuticals, Mackie is still going strong 11 years later and has given away some 13,000 harmonicas through his Andy Mackie Foundation … so far. (There’s gonna be a lot of blues harp players coming out of the Pacific Northwest!)
NET: http://andymackiemusic.org/index.html
– CBS News

WORLD’S WEALTHIEST PETS:
These animals sure know how to live the high life …
5. ‘Red’ – A tabby cat who kept bachelor David Harper company. When Harper died, he left his entire $1.1-million estate to ‘Red’. The puss is cared for by the United Church of Canada.
4. ‘Trouble’ – Late NYC hotelier Leona Helmsley famously cut her grandchildren out of her will but left her Maltese Terrier $12 million. However, a judge later knocked $10 million off that amount, so ‘Trouble’ is now only worth $2 million.
3. ‘Blackie’ – When British recluse Ben Rea died, he left $15 million to his cat ‘Blackie’ and to various cat charities. To his relatives he left … nothing.
2. ‘Tobey Rimes’ – A reclusive pooch descended from a poodle who inherited $30 million from his NYC owner, Ella Wendel, who died in 1931. The present-day ‘Tobey’ is thought to be worth $92 million.
1. ‘Gunther IV’ – This German Shepherd’s wealth was handed down from his father, Gunther III, who received an inheritance from German countess Karlotta Liebenstein in 1992. The trust fund is now worth circa $372 million.
Future rich pets will include Drew Barrymore’s Labrador-cross ‘Flossie’, who’s bequeathed the actress’s $3-million home as thanks for waking her owner during a house fire, thereby saving her life. But that’s nothing compared to Oprah Winfrey’s brood of dogs. They’ll receive a whopping $30 million to ensure their care whenever ‘O’ goes.
– Bankling.com

DUST BEATS LUST:
In a recent poll of 1,000 women, 25% say they get more pleasure from cleaning their houses than they do from having sex. The numbers were even higher among the under-35 set, with fully 40% claiming to prefer housework.
– “Good Housekeeping”

TRUE GRIT:
British Army Major Phil Packer lost the use of his legs in a rocket attack in Iraq and was told he’d  probably never walk again. But Saturday he completed the London Marathon on crutches to raise money for ‘Help for Heroes’, an organization that supports wounded veterans. He began the race with everyone else but took 13 days to finish because his doctor would only allow him to hobble 2 miles a day. The marathon is only part of this guy’s fundraising activity. In February he rowed the English Channel, and next month he plans to climb El Capitan, a 3,000-ft vertical rock formation in California.
– CNN

MOST BEAUTIFUL CANADIANS:
A new magazine ranking of the most attractive famous Canadians …
10. Movie actor Hayden Christensen (“Star Wars”, “Jumper”).
9. “Sex & The City” actress Kim Cattrall.
8. TV actor Joshua Jackson (“Fringe”).
7.  Pop singer Avril Lavigne.
6. “Wolverine” movie actor Ryan Reynolds.
5. Supermodel Linda Evangelista.
4. Halle Berry’s Québec-born model-partner Gabriel Aubry.
3. “Lost” actress Evangeline Lilly.
2. Head-butting TV actor Kiefer Sutherland (“24”).
1. Pop/country singer Shania Twain.
NET: http://www.hellomagazine.ca
– “Hello!”

YOUR NIGHTMARE COME TRUE:
Bowen, Australia, a town about 700 miles from Brisbane, is seeing in influx of Eastern Tarantulas, also known as ‘Bird-Eating Spiders’. Dozens have crawled out of gardens and made their way into public areas. While not deadly like other Australian spiders, they are venomous and can grow up to 6 cm (2.4 in) long with a leg span of 16 cm (6.3 in). Despite their nickname, they do not eat birds, but can kill a dog with one bite and can make humans very sick. They’re also known as ‘barking spiders’ for the noise they emit when aggravated. (Would you wanna run into any kind of bug that can bark?)
– “Times Online”

BS AMAZING MUSCLE FACTS:
• The muscle which determines whether or not you can touch your toes is called the popliteus … literally ‘the unlocker of the knee’.
– eHow.com
• The smile is the most frequently used facial expression. A smile can use anywhere from a pair of 5 to a pair of 53 facial muscles.
– GreatFacts.com
• The muscle that lets your eye blink is the fastest muscle in your body. It allows you to blink 5 times a second. On average, humans blink about 15,000 times a day.
– DidYouKnow.org

BS CHRONOMETER 05.11.09

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TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1941 [68] Eric Burdon, Newcastle UK, oldies singer (& War-“Spill the Wine”, The Animals-“House Of the Rising Sun”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1994)

1983 [26] Matt Leinart, Santa Ana CA, NFL quarterback (Arizona Cardinals)/2004 Heisman Trophy (USC)

1985 [24] Matt Giraud, Dearborn MI, pop singer (5th place, current season of “American Idol”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Chair Day”, celebrating the invention of the common chair in 2181 BC. Before that, no one ever ‘took a load off’.

• “Eat What You Want Day”, a day to ignore all the warnings, avoid worrying and counting calories, and thereby fight our obsession with being thin. Okay, so if healthfulness is not in play, what do you really, really, really want?

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1981 [28] Legendary reggae musician Bob Marley dies of brain cancer in Miami FL at age 36

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1969 [40] “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” comedy troupe forms in Britain (eventually leads to “Spamalot” on Broadway)

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1984 [25] ‘Canadian Security Intelligence Service’ (CSIS) is created

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
2002 [07] ‘World’s Largest Omelette’, created by Lung Association in Brockville ON, weighs in at 2.95 tonnes (6,510 lb) at the Brockville Memorial Centre

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Limerick Day
[Tues] International Nurses Day
[Wed] Cannes Film Festival opens
[Wed] Third Shift Workers Day
[Wed] Receptionists Day
[Wed] Root Canal Appreciation Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Children’s Book Week / Etiquette Week / Nursing Home Week / Police Week / Reading is Fun Week / Salvation Army Week / Stuttering Awareness Week / Tourism Week / Transportation Week / Universal Family Week / Women’s Health Week

BULL’S BITS

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BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 16 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
BS EXCUSES FOR FORGETTING MOTHER’S DAY:
• Long distance totally jammed. Took until this morning until the call got through.
• All these ‘Hallmark holidays’ are so commercialized, aren’t they?
• Finished entire Sara Lea cheesecake; got sleepy.
• Suffered nasty paper cut from Mother’s Day card, passed out for 3 days from blood loss.
• Hey Mom, EVERY day is Mother’s Day!

BS RANDOM JOKE:
If a job’s worth doing … it’s worth paying someone else to do it for you.

WOULD YOU RATHER?
You run down the list while your guest/phone caller/crew member decides which choice is more palatable. Would you rather …
• Live the rest of your life in good health & bad debt OR be constantly sickly with a runny nose, cough, and periodic fever, but with great wealth?
• Date someone who is always negative OR date someone who is always falsely positive?
• Be mediocre all your life OR know you were supposed to be great but never achieve greatness?
• Accidentally break an expensive antique vase at a party at someone’s house OR accidentally let their prized dog out of the yard?
• Wear braces on your teeth while you are in school for 10 years OR wear them as an adult for 5 years?
• Go to your 20-year class reunion and have everybody comment on how old you look OR have nobody remember you at all?
• Walk in circles through a revolving door 1,000 times OR hang upside-down in an elevator for 3 hours?
• Have your skin change into vibrant colors according to your emotional state (red for anger, blue for sadness, etc) OR wildly and uncontrollably flail your arms around whenever you walk?
• Get hurled by a catapult into the ocean 100 ft from shore OR get released from a submarine 50 ft underwater and try to swim up without any breathing aid?
• Have all your friends be smarter than you OR have all your friends be much better looking than you?
– zobmondo.com

BS WEB GOODIE:
Some guy with way too much time on his hands has figured out how to make the Swine Flu into … music. By writing out the binary code to translate a key gene, he’s ended up with a piece of ambient music. Here’s the science and the result …
NET: http://stephan-zielinski.com

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Hey guys, half the women in a recent survey say you’re a ‘dork’ if you have one of THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A Bluetooth earpiece.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Failure is an event, never a person.