WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• Michael Jackson’s estate will reportedly accrue close to $100 million through deals the administrators of his will have negotiated following his death. Among them: memorabilia sales; re-publication of his 20-year-old memoir “Moonwalk” in Asia & Eastern Europe; and the rights to rehearsal footage for his ill-fated “This Is It!” comeback concerts. (Is he worth more dead?)
– CNN
• There’s also been a $3-million pay-out on Jackson’s life insurance policy, which some reports say was worth $20 million. The settlement was quickly accepted due to fears the insurance company would refuse to pay anything if an autopsy report determined drugs were the cause of death. Meantime, Michael’s brain has been returned to his family, fueling speculation he will finally be buried this week. Pathologists removed the organ to carry out a series of tests for cause of death. (Amazing it’s being returned. You’d think one of these shysters would figure out a way to make money off it!)
– TMZ.com
• And Michael Jackson’s close friend, former child star Mark Lester, claims he’s the real father of Michael’s daughter, Paris. The now 50-year-old British actor shot to fame in the lead role of the 1968 movie musical “Oliver!” and met Jackson in 1982. He is godfather to all 3 of the Jackson children. Now he’s alleging that Michael asked him to act as a sperm donor and Paris was the result. He says he’d willingly take a paternity test to prove it. (Just in case a few million might fall his way.)
– “News Of the World”
• 47-year-old Paula Abdul is considering swapping singing for dancing. The former “American Idol” judge is eyeing a role on “So You Think You Can Dance” because, she says, choreography is her first love. The show’s director/judge Nigel Lythgoe says he’d welcome her aboard ‘without question’. What might lend the idea credence: both shows air on FOX, both are produced by 19 Entertainment, and Lythgoe had a hand in developing both. (Which would be worse – flaky Paula fumbling for words or another season of screechy, loud Mary Murphy?)
– “NY Daily News”
• 53-year-old actor Mel Gibson’s girlfriend is making him adhere to a tough new diet-and-fitness regimen. Oksana Grigorieva, who is 14-years-younger and pregnant with their first child, is determined Mel will eat healthily and maintain a rigorous exercise plan. (“You got big bucks which I like much but you must lose gut.”)
– ContactMusic.com
• “Flight Of the Conchords” stars Jemaine Clement & Bret McKenzie are set to take a year-long break after they wrap the 2nd season of their HBO TV series. They were first catapulted into the spotlight when their show became a cult hit in 2007; then their album “The Distant Future” won a Grammy Award in 2008. Now the New Zealand comedy duo have been offered a 3rd season by HBO but are said to be ‘considering all their options’. (BS translation: You gotta up the pay.)
– NME.com
• Paris Hilton has unveiled her pampered pets’ new doghouse that cost … $325,000. The heiress shows off the lavish new custom-built kennel, which has been built on the grounds of her Beverly Hills CA home, in the pages of the latest issue of “Life & Style” magazine. Her 6 pet pooches share the dog mansion, which is wired for electricity and features a wrought iron mini-staircase and crystal chandeliers hanging in the air conditioned bedroom and lounge areas. (Nothing exceeds like excess.)
– StarPulse.com
• A 44-year-old mother of one is claiming that TV star Dr Phil McGraw abused her when she was a patient … back in 1984. Sara Morrison says authorities were called in to investigate the abuse, threatening Dr Phil’s career as a psychologist and his marriage to wife Robin, who was outraged by the charges. She also claims he later paid her to work as his intern, while still charging her as a patient. Morrison says ‘the world should know this man is a predator and a bully’. (Well thanks! All this time we just thought his show was nauseating.)
– “National Enquirer”

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – All-American Rejects (“When the World Comes Down”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Jewel (“Perfectly Clear”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Black Kids (“Partie Traumatic”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Fall Out Boy (“From Under the Cork Tree”).
• “Teen Choice Awards” (FOX) – “Twilight” leads nominations with 12; followed by “High School Musical 3”, “Gossip Girl”, and Miley Cyrus with 10 apiece. The Jonas Bros, who are hosting the ceremony, follow close behind with 9 nominations.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Aerosmith – Steven Tyler’s daughter Mia says her 61-year-old pop is recovering after he ‘walked the wrong way’ and tumbled off a stage in South Dakota last week. She says he broke a shoulder and had to get stitches on his head but fully intends to resume touring ASAP. Guitarist Joe Perry, however, has hinted the tour may be cancelled to allow Tyler time to recover.
• The Beatles – Hundreds of fans swarmed Abbey Road on Saturday, singing songs and snarling traffic, to mark 40 years since the Fab Four strode across the north London street on the cover of “Abbey Road”, the last album they recorded together.
• Britney Spears – To keep her looking perky and fresh, her make-up artist reportedly takes a sheet from a stockpile of frozen aluminum foil in the freezer, pokes a hole in it so she can breath through her mouth and … smooths it over her face.
• Christina Aguilera – She’s promising fans her long-awaited next album will feature a more electronic sound and ‘futuristic feel’.
• Darius Rucker – After simmering in 2nd place for 2 weeks, his single “Alright” has finally risen to the top of “Billboard” magazine’s ‘Country Songs Chart’.
• Kelly Clarkson – She says she’s comfortable with her fluctuating waistline, however, she also confirms she’s taken up ‘CrossFit’, a cardio & strength training program, because it gives her more energy when she’s performing.

FAREWELL TO INTERNET CAFES?
Amid the economic downturn, there are fewer places in NYC to plug in laptops. Why? The unemployed fill coffee-shops and surf the web for hours while nursing a single cup – if that. Meantime, shop owners are struggling to stay in business. So the decade-old love affair between coffee shops and laptop-wielding customers may be fading. In some places, firm restrictions on laptop use have been imposed and electrical outlets have been locked. (Meaning, now the public library’s going to see more people than it has in years.)
– “Wall Street Journal”

HOW TO TALK DEEP:
A new study shows that wild orangutans in Borneo hold leaves to their mouths to … make their voices sound deeper. The trick is used to ward off predators, as it gives them the impression the apes are a bigger target. Scientists have dubbed these distress calls ‘kiss squeaks’ because they involve a sharp intake of breath through pursed lips, producing a sound similar to a kiss. By using leaves to modify the sound that comes out, the orangs deceive predators into thinking the calls are being made by a larger animal. (So [co-host], I brought you an entire yard bag of leaves this morning …)
– BBC Science News

DOG DAYS OF SUMMER:
Thousands of dogs die every year from heatstroke. The most common causes are leaving a pooch chained in the yard without adequate shade and water, and leaving an animal in a closed vehicle. Animals with short or pug noses are more susceptible than long-nosed pets, and larger animals have a harder time cooling themselves than small ones. Even a small amount of exercise during the middle of a hot summer day can be too much for your pet. (Not to mention you.)
– “Palm Beach Post”

NOW EXERCISE IS BAD FOR YOU?
A new Louisiana State University study suggests that exercise may not help us lose weight after all. In fact, what it may do is make us hungrier so we end up consuming all those calories we just worked so hard to burn off. Whether exercise made study participants hungry or whether they just wanted to reward themselves (or both), most of the women participating ate more afterward than they did before they started the experiment. Or they compensated in another way, by moving around a lot less than usual after they got home. (Hurray, another excuse!)
– “TIME”

LIFE BY THE NUMBERS:
A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 70% of employees think their boss is trustworthy.
• 63% of women still think taking the husband’s surname after marriage is preferable.
• 39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet.
• 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
• 20% of us never, ever use mouthwash.
• 18% of us say that if there was a magic pill to help us see into the future, we’d take it.

NEW TREND IS DE-TATTING:
Tattoos are big business, both getting them and … getting rid of them. In fact, it costs more to remove a tat than to buy one. Most tattoos run about $100, depending on size, color, and artist reputation. But to erase the ink can require 5-to-10 treatments at around $150-a-pop … a total of up to $1,500. Tattoo removal company Dr Tattoff Inc predicts the ‘tattoo regret factor’ will grow as people get older and it hopes to cash in on it. The Beverly Hills-based clinic chain uses lasers to burn away the ink. It plans to begin issuing publicly traded stock next year. (That ‘tramp stamp’ on your lower back was really cool but it’s gonna look dumb with Depends.)
– “Los Angeles Times”

DID YOU KNOW?
A student from England’s Southampton Solent University has become the first-ever to graduate with a degree in … comedy. 21-year-old Hannah George earned her diploma after years of studying jokes. (The final exam was a real killer!)
– “Newsbeat”

BS CHRONOMETER 08.10.09

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TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1949 [60] Gene Johnson, Jamestown NY, country singer (Diamond Rio-“God Only Cries”, “One More Day”)

1959 [50] Rosanna Arquette, NYC, movie actress (“Pulp Fiction”)/sister of actors David Arquette & Patricia Arquette

1960 [49] Antonio Banderas, Malaga, Spain, movie actor (“Shrek” movies, “Spy Kids” films)/Mr Melanie Griffith since 1996

1961 [48] Jon Farriss, Perth, Australia, rock drummer (INXS-“Need You Tonight”)/former TV reality show judge (“Rock Star: INXS” 2005)

1973 [36] Jennifer Hanson, La Habra CA, country singer (“Beautiful Goodbye”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “S’Mores Day” celebrating one of our favorite campfire treats. Here’s the complicated directions – toast marshmallows over campfire, then place them on graham cracker with piece of chocolate. Take second graham cracker and smush it on top. Inhale.

• “Spoil Your Dog Day” … like there’s some other option? What’s your pup’s favorite treat?

• “Smithsonian Day” , celebrating the series of Washington DC museums that form the Smithsonian Institution, basically ‘America’s Attic’.

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1985 [24] 1st solo album by a female artist to sell 5 million copies (Madonna’s “Like a Virgin”)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1876 [133] 1st ‘Long Distance Call’ (Alexander Graham Bell calls Paris … Paris, Ontario that is, from nearby Brantford)

1889 [120] 1st ‘Screw Cap’ (and first skin is ripped from a frustrated consumer’s fingers)

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Play In the Sand Day
[Wed] Middle Children’s Day
[Wed] International Youth Day
[Wed] Sewing Machine Day
[Wed] Vinyl Record Day
[Thurs] International Left Handers Day
[Thurs] Filet Mignon Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Assistance Dog Week / Elvis Week / Hobo Week / Resurrect Romance Week

BULL’S BITS

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BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 16 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
BS REASONS WOMEN KEEP MEN AROUND:
• Two extra arms to hold packages while you shop.
• Who needs a pillow? Use the beer gut.
• They can open jars … once you loosen them for them.
• If you break your first one, you can always get another.
• They’ll tell you whatever you want to hear.
• Everything is their fault.
• All the joys of motherhood without the labor.
• A woman can’t survive on chocolate alone.
• Who else are you gonna laugh at?
NET: http://www.FreeRadioPrep.com

BS ANIMAL CRACKERS:
Called terms of ‘venery’ (‘the hunt’ in medieval times), many groups of animals have names you are familiar with – a ‘pack’ of dogs, a ‘school’ of fish, a ‘colony’ of ants. But try to identify these animals by their group names …
• A ‘bale’ of [Turtles].
• A ‘flock’ of [Geese/Lice/Sheep].
• A ‘horde’ of [Gnats].
• An ‘ambush’ of [Tigers].
• A ‘murder’ of [Crows/Magpies].
• A ‘caravan’ of [Camels].
• A ‘business’ of [Ferrets/Flies].
• A ‘pride’ of [Lions].
• A ‘dole’ of [Doves].
• A ‘stand’ of [Flamingoes].
NET: http://www.herbweb.org/animals-collective-nouns.html
– BLTC Research

BS RANDOM JOKE:
So this termite walks into a tavern and says … “Is the bar tender here?”

BS WEB GOODIE:
A new online game challenges partners to decide if they’re listening to the same tune. The twist: your partner is an online stranger and the two of you can only ‘describe’ the song to one another. This might make a good radio game. A crew member/guest listens to a track via headphones and tries to get a listener to identify it by describing it or humming it.
NET: http://www.e4.com/game/tag-a-tune/play.e4

BS PHONE STARTER:
If your house was on fire and you could choose only one thing to save (besides family members), what would it be? Why?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 1-in-3 of us will forget to do THIS today.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Put on deodorant. Oops!

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The difference between science and magic is, magicians usually know what they’re doing.