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BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Actor Jon Heder (“Napoleon Dynamite”) has abruptly pulled out of starring as a computer geek in an upcoming Comedy Central sitcom produced by Will Ferrell, citing ‘creative differences’ (BS translation: Even a lame-ass like Heder doesn’t find Ferrell funny anymore) . . . 31-year-old actor James Franco (“General Hospital”, “Spider-Man” films) has been accepted to enrol at Yale University, where he’ll attend this Fall to obtain his PhD (maybe he’ll run into Emma Watson at Ivy League football games?) . . . 55-year-old actor Kelsey Grammer has ended a lawsuit over the 2008 movie flop “Swing Vote” by paying a measly $10-settlement to a screenwriter who alleges the film is similar to a plot he wrote 2 years earlier and personally presented to Grammer (there goes the entire profit!) . . . 36-year-old “Lost” star Yunjin Kim (‘Sun Kwon’) has wed her manager-boyfriend Jeong Hyeok Park in a Hawaii, just a day after shooting her final scenes for the soon-to-wrap ABC-TV series (I got the money, honey – let’s do it!) . . . Wealthy widow-sometime Hole singer Courtney Love says she’s dating actress Uma Thurman’s ex-fiancé, hotelier Andre Balazs (who apparently needs to visit his optometrist) . . . “Desperate Housewives” actress Teri Hatcher has teamed up with Disney to launch a new website she describes as a ‘go-to respite for women where they can find a shoulder to lean on’ (NET: http://family.go.com/self/doc-get-hatched/) . . . And 24-year-old former “Playboy” model Kendra Wilkinson tells “E! News” that she can’t wait for her 3-month-old boy, Hank Baskett IV, to grow up so she can show him her – pole-dancing skills (that’s it, your mommy license is revoked!).

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Usher (“Raymond vs Raymond”) performs; another finalist is eliminated.
• “Chelsea Lately” (E!) – Erykah Badu (“New Amerykah Part Two”).  BS FACTOID: In the provocative new video for her song “Window Seat”, she strips naked as she strolls through Dealey Plaza in Dallas TX, eventually falling to the ground at the site where John F Kennedy was assassinated in 1963.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Miley Cyrus (“The Last Song”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Matisyahu (“Light”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Doves (“Kingdom of Rust”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Drive-By Truckers (“Big To-Do”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – The Whigs (“In the Dark”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Barenaked Ladies (“All In Good Time”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – OneRepublic (“Waking Up”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Carrie Underwood – When she weds NHL player Mike Fisher (Ottawa Senators), she will become ‘Carrie Fisher’. ( … or maybe not.)
• Chris Brown – He reportedly can’t find a venue for his 21st birthday party on May 5th. “NY Post” reports clubs in NYC, Las Vegas, and Miami have all apparently turned down the ‘opportunity’.
• Katy Perry – She says she’s nicknamed fiancé Russell Brand ‘Bridezilla’ because he’s addicted to reading wedding magazines.
• Madonna – The 51-year-old tells “Access Hollywood” her 13-year-old daughter Lourdes likes to steal clothes out of her closet. (“Hey Ma, can I borrow your cone bra?”)
• Mariah Carey – Hubby Nick Cannon has given her a custom-made pink Porsche to mark her 40th birthday last weekend. (He might have ‘given’ but she bought.)
• Mindy McCready – Next month Vivid Entertainment is planning to release an explicit home video of the “I’m Still Here” singer with an ex-boyfriend. “Mindy McCready, Baseball Mistress” reportedly includes her narrative about previous affairs with baseball pitcher Roger Clemens and actor Dean Cain. (Seems “Guys Do It All the Time” … with her.)
• Ricky Martin – This week on his website he’s finally confirmed that he’s gay. He says he didn’t come out earlier because he was ‘seduced by fear and insecurity’. (Wha?)
• TI – He’s now officially completed his prison sentence for attempting to illegally purchase guns. Since being moved to a halfway house, he’s been recording his new, still-untitled album, which is scheduled for release August 24th.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENING:
“The Last Song” ( PG Drama ): Miley Cyrus stars as a rebellious girl who is sent to the beach-town of Tybee Island, Georgia for the Summer to stay with her estranged father (Greg Kinnear). Through their mutual love of music, they learn to reconnect. Co-stars Liam Hemsworth (who’s become Miley’s real-life boyfriend). Screenplay by best-selling novelist Nicholas Sparks (“The Notebook”). Miley quote: “I haven’t like taken acting lessons or anything.”
NET: http://touchstone.movies.go.com/thelastsong/

TYPECASTING:
A new technology is being developed which can determine people’s age, gender, and culture simply by monitoring their … keyboarding. In experiments, computer users are hooked up with electronic sensors to their fingers which monitor their typing patterns and speeds. Newcastle University researcher Roy Maxion videos, monitors, and records typing patterns, speeds, and rhythms with a very accurate clock. He can now work out your sex, your culture, your age, and whether you have any hand injuries within 10 keystrokes. (He’d guess a chicken was typing here … all we do is hunt and peck.)
– DailyMail.co.uk

BS CUTTING-EDGE VOCAB:
New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Canthaxanthin’ – A carotenoid pigment found in mushrooms, green algae, and some fish that, when ingested via tanning pills, imparts a golden orange hue to the skin. Abuse can lead to liver damage and/or a severe itching condition. (“Jaundice?” “Nope, canthaxanthin.”)
• ‘Mantuary’ – An area of a (usually shared) residence where a male can enjoy his hobbies independent of normal house rules (such as cleanliness). (“If you’re looking for Jason, he’s downstairs in the mantuary playing Xbox.”)
• ‘Meh-sayer’ – A person who expresses indifference or apathy towards something. (“Did you like the movie?” “Meh.”)

SACRED SOD:
New Jersey company Stadium Associates is selling pieces of sod from baseball and football fields to fans who want a glass-enclosed keepsake of a championship or perhaps a patch of historic turf to transplant into their front lawns. For instance, a 3-by-3 inch patch of turf on which the Philadelphia Phillies won the 2008 World Series, freeze-dried and encased in UV glass to keep it green, is selling for $79.99. ‘Game-used’ sod from the last Super Bowl, on the other hand, will set you back $99.99 … spilt blood extra. (How can you be sure it’s not just a chunk off a sod roll from a garden center?)
NET: http://www.stadiumassociates.com
– “Pittsburgh Post-Gazette”

EASTER BUNNY GOODNESS:
According to a new study, small doses of chocolate every day can decrease your risk of having a heart attack or stroke by nearly 40%. The 8-year study by German researchers discovered the benefit for people who consume an average of 6 grams of chocolate per day … about the size of a single square of a chocolate bar. Experts think the flavonols contained in chocolate are responsible, as they help the muscles in blood vessels widen, leading to a drop in blood pressure. (If you eat 3 chocolate bars today, are you protected for an entire month?)
– Yahoo! News

WORLD’S BEST JOB?
An Irish travel agency is offering what’s described as ‘The Ultimate Job’ … getting paid to test out the most romantic wedding & honeymoon destinations around-the-world for 6 months. More than 1,000 couples have already applied for the chance to be sent to resorts in Africa, Europe, Asia, and the USA. The winning couple has to blog about their experience a few times a week, plus write monthly articles for “The Irish Times”. For putting up with this grueling schedule they’ll be paid 20,000 euros (about $27,000). Hopefuls have until April 7th to apply; the ‘job’ starts in mid-May. Oh, and you don’t have to be Irish to apply.
NET: http://runawaybrideandgroom.com/
– Telegraph.co.uk

IXNAY EXFLAY:
Recent studies show that companies are offering employees more chances than ever to work at home or outside their office through ‘flex time’. But fewer workers are accepting these offers for a more convenient schedule. Sylvia Ann-Hewlett, president of the New York-based Center for Work-Life Policy, says the reason is simple … fear. Thanks to the recent recession, most employees feel there is more pressure than ever to be in the office, proving in person on a daily if not hourly basis that you’re indispensable. (Some co-workers would be much more likeable if they stayed home.)
– CNN.com

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• At least 19% of the world’s coral reefs are dead, including some 50% of those in the Caribbean. An additional 15% could be gone within 20 years, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.
• The University of Wisconsin has found a new way to cut costs … by changing email fonts. The default font on the school’s email system has been switched from Arial to Century Gothic, a change that sounds minor but should translate to 30% less ink used when emails are printed out.
– Associated Press

BS CHRONOMETER 03.31.10

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TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [67] Christopher Walken, Queens NY, movie actor (“Hairspray”, 1979 Oscar-“The Deer Hunter”)  COMING UP: “Hairspray 2: White Lipstick” (2012).

1949 [61] Al Gore, Washington DC, environmental activist/45th US Vice President (1993-2001)

1955 [55] Angus Young, Glasgow, Scotland, short-panted rock guitarist (AC/DC-“Rock ‘n Roll Train”, “Moneytalks”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2003)

1971 [39] Ewan McGregor, Crieff, Scotland, movie actor (“The Ghost Writer”, “Moulin Rouge”)

1982 [28] Ryland Blackinton, South Kingstown RI, alt-rock guitarist (Cobra Starship-“Good Girls Go Bad”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Bunsen Burner Day”, honoring the 1811 birth date of its inventor, Robert Wilhelm Eberhard von Bunsen of Germany. (Thanks to him, hundreds of high school labs have been blown up!)

• “Clams-On-the-Half-Shell Day”. (Tonight is ‘Pass-the-Upchuck-Bucket Night’.)

• “She’s Funny That Way Day” , paying tribute to the female funny bone. How do the women in your life make you laugh? Ask for quirky things that funny ladies do.

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1994 [16] Madonna uses the ‘F-bomb’ 13 times on “Late Show With David Letterman”

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1918 [92] 1st ‘Daylight Saving Time’ (next day, the first ‘sleepyheads’)

1949 [61] Newfoundland officially joins Confederation to become Canada’s 10th province (bringing us cod tongues, figgy duff, and a wonderful sense of humor)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1990 [20] 1st NHL player to score 100 points in a season with a last-place team (Québec Nordiques’ Joe Sakic, who also becomes the youngest player to do it, at age 20)

BS MONTHLY PLANNING CALENDAR . . .
[Apr 1] April Fools Day / International Tatting Day / Maundy Thursday (Christian) / Fun at Work Day / St Stupid Day
[Apr 2] “Clash Of the Titans”; “Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Too?” open in movie theaters / Good Friday (Christian) / Hospital Admitting Clerks Day / International Children’s Book Day / Reconciliation Day / World Autism Day
[Apr 3] Tangible Karma Day
[Apr 4] Easter Sunday / International Day for Mine Awareness / World Rat Day
[Apr 5] Deep Dish Pizza Day / Dyngus Day
[Apr 6] Drowsy Driver Awareness Day / Tartan Day / Teflon Day
[Apr 7] SPCA Day / International Beaver Day / Metric System Day / No Housework Day / Paraprofessional Appreciation Day / World Health Day
[Apr 8] Buddha Day
[Apr 9] “Date Night” opens in movie theaters / Cherish an Antique Day / Prisoner of War Recognition Day
[Apr 10] Baby Massage Day / Love Our Children Day / Sibling Day
[Apr 11] Barbershop Quartet Day / World Parkinson’s Disease Day
[Apr 12] Licorice Day / Walk on Your Wild Side Day
[Apr 13] International Moment of Laughter Day
[Apr 14] Be Kind to Lawyers Day / Pan American Day
[Apr 15] Take a Wild Guess Day / That Sucks Day / Equal Pay Day
[Apr 16] “Kick-Ass” opens in movie theaters / Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival begins (Indio CA) / High Five Day / Stress Awareness Day / Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day / World Hemophilia Day
[Apr 17] Show of Peace Concert (Beijing) / Auctioneers Day / Blah! Blah! Blah! Day / Ford Mustang Day / Husband Appreciation Day / Record Store Day / Teach Your Daughter to Volunteer Day
[Apr 18] 2010 Juno Awards (St John’s) / 45th Academy of Country Music Awards (Las Vegas) / Adult Autism Day / Pet Owners Independence Day / World Amateur Radio Day
[Apr 19] Hanging Out Day / Boston Marathon
[Apr 20] Pot Smokers Day
[Apr 21] “Kenny Chesney: Summer in 3-D” opens in movie theaters / “Idol Gives Back” (FOX) / Administrative Professionals Day / Kindergarten Day
[Apr 22] “Oceans” opens in movie theaters / Earth Day / Jelly Bean Day
[Apr 23] “The Back-up Plan”; “The Losers”; “Paper Man” open in movie theaters / Brooks & Dunn “Last Rodeo Tour” begins (Sacramento CA) / Talk Like Shakespeare Day / World Book & Copyright Day / New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival begins
[Apr 24] “Rush – The Documentary” premieres (NYC) / Astronomy Day / Bulldogs are Beautiful Day / Go Birding Day / Sense of Smell Day / World Tai Chi Day
[Apr 25] DNA Day / Malaria Awareness Day / Pet Parents Day / Mother, Father Deaf Day / Red Hat Society Day
[Apr 26] St George’s Day Holiday (NL) / Hug An Australian Day / International Marconi Day / Richter Scale Day
[Apr 27] Teach Your Children to Save Day
[Apr 28] Workers Memorial Day / Full ‘Pink’ Moon
[Apr 29] “Billboard Latin Music Awards” (San Juan PR) / “Governor General’s Performing Arts Awards” begin (Ottawa)
[Apr 30 ] CRS Income Tax Deadline / “A Nightmare on Elm Street”; “Furry Vengeance” open in movie theaters / “Beale Street Music Festival” begins (Memphis TN) / Hairball Awareness Day / Hairstylists Appreciation Day / Honesty Day / Spank Out Day / Walpurgis Night

BULL’S BITS

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BS COMEBACKS TO THE QUESTION ‘WHY AREN’T YOU MARRIED YET?’:
• Because I just love hearing this question.
• I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
• What? And spoil my great sex life?
• Just lucky, I guess.
• It gives my mother something to live for.
• I already have enough laundry to do, thank-you.
• I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
• Why aren’t you thin?
• (Single Moms) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

BS RANDOM JOKE:
I’m having an out-of-money experience.

BS PHONE STARTER:
What pet names do your kids use for their grandparents?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: THIS was seen by 8.5 million people last year alone.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The ‘Mona Lisa’. (Reuters)

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.