Friday, November 16, 2007        Edition: #3657
Bovine Defecation That’s State-of-the-Art!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY’s edition of “People” magazine names 37-year-old movie star Matt Damon the ‘Sexiest Man Alive’, an honor that will no doubt get him lampooned mercilessly by pals George Clooney & Brad Pitt, both 2-time winners (the first ‘SMA’ was Mel Gibson in 1985) . . . TODAY’s edition of “Us Weekly” features the ‘Best Celebrity Makeovers’, a list topped by Katie Holmes (‘Most Improved’) & Carrie Underwood (‘Sexiest New Style’) . . . 5 years after wedding, actress Sarah Michelle Gellar has finally changed her surname to Prinze (she’s finally convinced Freddie’s a keeper) . . . A statue of late “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin has been unveiled at his zoo in Queensland, Australia by Olivia Newton John & the country’s Prime Minister . . . Actress Jennifer Aniston is said to be dating actor Jason Lewis, whose previous claim to fame was playing ‘Samantha’s’ lover ‘Smith’ on “Sex & The City” (enjoy your 1 week’s-worth while you can, dude) . . . If the writers’ strike drags on much longer, look for network news magazines (“48 Hours”, “Dateline”, “Primetime”, etc) to begin airing several times a week (and who writes this stuff?) . . . “Grey’s Anatomy” star Ellen Pompeo has wed her record producer bf Chris Ivery in an extremely  low-key ceremony in NYC, not even informing her own father until afterward (sounds like a storyline from the show) . . . Amid predictions that Tom Cruise’s upcoming WW2 film “Valkyrie” may be as big a dud as “Lions for Lambs” comes word that he’s considering playing “Playboy” founder Hugh Hefner in a new biopic to be directed  by Brett Ratner NEXT YEAR . . . TMZ reports that Dr Jan Adams, the plastic surgeon who worked on Kanye West’s late mother Donda has a history of malpractice suits, allegations of sexual battery & physical assault, DUI convictions, and pending disciplinary action from the Medical Board of California . . . And an online betting site is offering odds on baby names for the offspring of Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony with ‘Marco’ the favorite at 4:1, followed by ‘Maria’ at 5:1 (‘Ben’ is a bajillion:1).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Amy Winehouse – She’s been forced to have her trademark beehive hairdo searched for drugs during a visit to her husband Blake Fielder-Civil at London’s Pentonville Prison.
• Bon Jovi – A flak for Jon Bon Jovi says the rumor he’ll run for governor of New Jersey is totally false. His ‘day job is going too well’. And who’d wanna take that kind of pay cut?
• Jay-Z – He’s just signed a deal to buy British designer Scott Langston’s high-end clothing brand Artful Dodger … for $15 million cash.
• Led Zeppelin – “Stairway To Heaven” is expected to make its debut on the UK singles chart  SUNDAY, thanks to the release of their digitally re-mastered greatest hits compilation “Mothership”. Though popular, the 36-year-old tune was never released as a single. Meantime, guitarist Jimmy Page has again floated the possibility of a full-scale reunion tour.
• Queens of the Stone Age – They’ve been booted offstage at a gig in a California rehab facility after opening their show with “Feel Good Hit Of The Summer” … a tribute to drugs.
• White Stripes – They’ll release 3 colored vinyl singles in stores in mid-DECEMBER, each featuring the track “Conquest” and a new song co-produced by Beck.

WEEKEND SHOW BIZ SKED:
• Alicia Keys – TONIGHT she does “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• “American Music Awards“ (ABC) – SUNDAY Jimmy Kimmel hosts the 35th annual awards based on record sales & fan voting, live from Los Angeles. Performers include Celine Dion, Daughtry, Fergie, Rascal Flatts, Rihanna, and Sugarland.
• “CMT Giants: Hank Williams Jr” (CMT) – SATURDAY this pre-taped 2-hour special airs, featuring Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler, Brad Paisley, Gretchen Wilson, Kid Rock, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Tim McGraw, and Toby Keith. Jimmy Kimmel & Terry Bradshaw host.
• “Ellen’s Really Big Show” (TBS) – SUNDAY Ellen DeGeneres hosts this throwback 2-hour variety show featuring comedy & music from the annual “Comedy Festival” in Las Vegas.
• James Taylor – THIS AFTERNOON he entertains on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CityTV).
• Rascal Flatts – TONIGHT they perform on a rerun of the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC).
• Trisha Yearwood – THIS MORNING she’s on the “Today Show” (NBC) to promote her new album “Heaven, Heartache & the Power of Love”. Kinda sounds like “Love, Pain & the Whole Crazy Thing”, doesn’t it?

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Beowulf” ( PG-13 Fantasy Adventure ): Director Robert Zemeckis uses the motion-capture animation technique he perfected in “The Polar Express” to bring to life this Old English heroic epic poem about the indomitable monster ‘Grendel’. Cast includes Ray Winstone, Crispin Glover, and Angelina Jolie. Also showing in IMAX 3-D.
NET: http://www.beowulfmovie.com/
• “Love in the Time of Cholera” ( R-Rated Drama ): Based on Nobel Prize-winning author Gabriel García Marquez’s 1985 novel about a passionate love triangle that unfolds in turn-of-the-20th century South America. Stars Javier Bardem, Giovanna Mezzogiorno, and Benjamin Bratt. Shot in Colombia and England.
NET: http://www.loveinthetime.com/
• “Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium” ( G-Rated Family Fantasy ): Dustin Hoffman stars as the eccentric, 243-year-old owner of the most fantastic toy shop in the world who wills his business to his shy store manager (Natalie Portman). But her leadership is soon challenged by a dark, ominous presence in the shop. Shot entirely in Toronto.
NET: http://www.magorium.com/

THE REST ARE ALL ABOUT SEX:
Researchers who studied references to drugs & alcohol in popular music have found that fully a third of all songs include a reference to some kind of illicit substance. The study looked at close to 300 bestselling songs in 5 popular genres: rap, country, R&B/hip-hop, rock, and pop. Rap music easily leads the way with references to substance abuse in 77% of tunes, followed by country with 37%, R&B at 20%, and rock music (14%). Pop music is apparently the most clean & sober, with just 9% of tunes mentioning booze or drugs.
– “Health Day News”

LAST REQUESTS:
The British charity organization Age Concern has polled 100,000 people about planning their own funerals. These were the top requests: ‘cremate me with my pet’s ashes’ (the most popular request); ‘bury me naked’; ‘put a cellphone in the coffin’; ‘bury me with my teeth in’; and … ‘make sure I’m actually dead’.
– “The Australian”

FRIGID FIFTY:
Highlights of the annual ranking of the ‘’least-powerful, least-inspiring, and least-intriguing people in Hollywood’ …
5. Owen Wilson, for trying to add himself to ‘Life’s Frigid 50′.
4. Any movie comedies NOT associated with Judd Apatow, whose string of successes include “Knocked Up”, “Superbad”, “Talladega Nights”, and “The 40 Year Old Virgin”.
3. Jim Carrey. Whatever possessed the A-list funnyman to star in a tired little B-thriller like “The Number 23”?
2. Angelina Jolie, an unholy mix of Mother Teresa and Paris Hilton. “Look at me with the poor people, but make sure you get me in my best light!”
1. George W Bush, thanks to unflattering parodies in movies like “Transformers” and “American Dreamz”, and outright putdowns as in “Sicko”.
Also listed: Jon Heder, who hasn’t made a single good movie in the 3 years since “Napoleon Dynamite”) made him a cult figure; Hilary Swank & Nicole Kidman for less than stellar film choices of late; and Jennifer Lopez, who’s seemingly big-bottomed out.
– “Film Threat Magazine”

GAS FOR GATS:
 With the way fuel prices are going, this is a pretty good deal. The city of Cleveland OH is offering $100-gas cards to the first 450 residents who turn in illegal handguns. Police will be at the city’s Convention Center SATURDAY collecting the guns and giving out gas.
– “NY Post”

SOCIAL STUDIES:
• If you want to breeze through airport security lines, turn left. Most right-handers (which means about 90% of people) tend to automatically turn right when faced with a choice. So your chances of speeding through the checkpoint are statistically higher if you choose to head left instead.
– “New York Magazine”
• The combo of drinking coffee and exercising may actually reduce your risk of skin cancer, reports Rutgers University. The duo reportedly increases destruction of precancerous cells, therefore lowering your risk.
– “Cosmopolitan”
• 10 minutes of talking, face-to-face or by phone, improves memory and boosts intellectual performance as much as doing crosswords or Sudoku, according to a new University of Michigan psychology study.
– “Globe & Mail”

AND WE QUOTE:
“I’m not funny all the time, or anywhere near all the time. I think there is something wrong if
you have to be funny all the time. And it gets in the way.”
– British media personality Lenny Henry, offering some wise words for broadcasters.

BS CHRONOMETER 11.16.07

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1958 [49] Marg Helgenberger, Freemont NE, TV actress (‘Catherine Willows’ on “CSI” since 2000)

1963 [44] Keith Burns, Atlanta GA, country singer/guitarist (Trick Pony-“Ain’t Wastin’ Good Whiskey On You”, “On A Night Like This”)

1964 [43] Diana Krall, Nanaimo BC, jazz singer/pianist (“From This Moment On”, Grammy Awards-“Live In Paris”, “When I Look In Your Eyes”)/Mrs Elvis Costello since 2003/Canada’s Walk of Fame (2004)/Officer of the Order of Canada (2005)

1977 [30] Maggie Gyllenhaal, NYC, movie actress (“World Trade Center”, “Monster House”)/older sister of actor Jake Gyllenhaal  UP NEXT: The ‘Batman’ sequel “The Dark Knight” (2008).

1995 [12] Noah Gray-Cabey, Chicago IL, TV actor (‘Micah Sanders ‘ on “Heroes”)

SATURDAY –
Folk singer Gordon Lightfoot  (“Wreck of Edmund Fitzgerald”) is 69; Movie director Martin Scorsese (“The Departed”) is 65; TV producer Lorne Michaels (“Saturday Night Live”) is 63; Movie actor/director Danny DeVito (“Get Shorty”) is 63; TV actor Dylan Walsh (“Nip/Tuck”) is 44; Country singer Aaron Lines (“Cheaper to Keep Her”) is 30.

SUNDAY –
Canadian author Margaret Atwood (“The Blind Assassin”) is 68; Rock guitarist Kirk Hammett (Metallica) is 45; Movie actor Owen Wilson (“Wedding Crashers”) is 39; TV/movie actress Chloe Sevigny (“Big Love”) is 33; Rapper Fabolous (“Make Me Better”) is 30.
 
TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Elephant Round-Up” in Surin, the ‘Elephant Capital’ of Thailand through SUNDAY. Events include a mock battle with over 100 elephants & costumed warlords; and special elephant competitions in strength, skill & obedience. There’s also a 60-ton buffet … for the elephants.
NET: http://tinyurl.com/24n4qu
• “International Button Day”, for people who collect buttons with slogans on them. Some of the most sought-after are vintage political campaign buttons.
• “International Day for Tolerance”, established by the UN in 1996 to promote the need for worldwide tolerance and understanding. Hmm, it doesn’t seem to be working.

SATURDAY –
• “Adoption Day”, an annual event to raise awareness of the thousands of children in foster care waiting to find permanent, loving families.
NET: http://www.nationaladoptionday.org/2007/index.asp
• “Farm Joke Day”, a day to have a chuckle about the rural lifestyle. You can have a cow here …
NET: http://www.cljones.com/jfarm.html
NET: http://www.basicjokes.com/dtitles.php?cid=77
• “Homemade Bread Day”, when we’re all encouraged to bake a loaf from scratch. These days that means emptying an envelope into your automatic breadmaker and pushing the little red button. It’s a good day to get a bun in the oven!
• “Survivors of Suicide Day”, the 9th annual reaching out to tens of thousands of people who have lost a loved one to suicide. Conferences at over 100 international sites will be connected via satellite and Internet broadcast to allow survivors to share their experiences of loss.
NET: http://tinyurl.com/2wncpr
• “Take A Hike Day”, which is either a day to enjoy the outdoors or to get out of someone’s face.

SUNDAY –
• “Leonid Meteor Shower”, the annual sky show when you can see ‘shooting stars’ … if you stay up all night. The best viewing is predicted to be during the wee hours before dawn on SUNDAY, when you might see as many as 10-to-15 meteors per hour.
NET: http://stardate.org/nightsky/meteors/
• “Married to a Scorpio Support Day”, a day of remembrance to honor those who are married to Scorpios. Are they all that bad?
• “Mickey Mouse Day”, generally observed as his ‘birthday’ when he appeared in the cartoon short “Steamboat Willie” in 1928 (now making him a geezer mouse of 79). It was the first cartoon with synchronized sound.
• “World Day of Remembrance for Road Traffic Victims”, an annual UN observance on the 3rd SUNDAY in NOVEMBER commemorating victims of road traffic crashes and their families.
NET: http://www.roadpeace.org/support/worldday.html
 
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1981 [26] ‘Most-Watched Daytime TV Drama’ episode as ‘Luke’ marries ‘Laura’ on “General Hospital”

2001 [06] “Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone” opens in movie theaters to a record $90 million in its first weekend (ends up the #4 movie of all-time with $977 million in worldwide box office)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1970 [37] 1st Canadian recording artist to receive an RIAA ‘Gold Record’ designation in the USA (Anne Murray for “Snowbird”)

1999 [08] Aging rocker Eddie Van Halen undergoes hip-replacement surgery

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1915 [92] The contoured Coca-Cola bottle is patented (introduced in 1916, it is still the most-recognized container in the world)

COMING UP . . .
[Mon] Have A Bad Day Day
[Mon] World Toilet Day
[Tues] Universal Children’s Day
[Tues] Name Your PC Day
[Tues] National Child Day in Canada
[Wed] World Hello Day
[Wed] World Television Day
[Thurs] US Thanksgiving Day
This Week Is … Shallow Persons Awareness Week
This Month Is … International Creative Child & Adult Month

BULL’S BITS

BS SIGNS YOU’VE HIRED A BAD BABYSITTER:
• Keeps asking, “The kids are the shorts ones, right?”
• When you offer her a tip, she says, “I’ve already taken care of it.”
• First question she asks is, “Where do you hide the booze?”
• Your kids start using a lot of prison slang.
• She nervously asks, “You don’t watch ‘Americas’s Most Wanted’ do you?”
• Every time you call to check in, the phone is answered by a firefighter.
• While enjoying dinner at the restaurant with your spouse, you recognize her at the next table.

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• What’s your favorite kitchen utensil? Why?
• Will you miss Jorja Fox when she’s gone from “CSI ”?

BS RANDOM JOKE:
I’m not an unknown … I am a will-be.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Insurance studies show that female drivers are about 80% more likely to do THIS than male.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Lose their car keys.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Think before you speak and you will find yourself with less to talk about.