Friday, August 3, 2007        Edition: #3589
Never Accept a Generic – Ask For Pure “BS”!

PLEASE NOTE:
“The Bull Sheet” is off NEXT WEEK for our annual summer hiatus. There’ll be no deliveries AUGUST 6-10 inclusive. As usual, your account will be credited for missed service days. Next issue: MONDAY, AUGUST 13.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY through Sunday the annual “Lollapalooza” festival in Chicago’s Grant Park  is headlined by Pearl Jam (130 acts are scheduled in all) . . . SATURDAY & Sunday the 2nd “Virgin Music Festival” at Baltimore’s Pimlico Race Course includes performances by Amy Winehouse, Beastie Boys, Modest Mouse, The Police, Smashing Pumpkins, and Velvet Revolver . . . Oscar-winning actress Reese Witherspoon has signed as honorary chairman of the charitable Avon Foundation, a side-gig to her new contract as spokeswoman for Avon beauty products (does the name ring a bell?) . . . Meantime Witherspoon has rekindled her romance with old flame Jake Gyllenhaal, according to the rumor mill (in Hollywood after all, one doesn’t date ‘below the line’) . . . 23-year-old Alli Sims, who’s spent the past 6 months as cousin Britney Spears’ personal assistant, is planning to record her own album, describing her style as ‘bluesy Norah Jones-ish’ (Spears’ last PA is writing a book – they’re working more than she is!) . . . Simon Cowell plans to make a movie called “Star Struck”, based on the behind-the-scenes antics of 10 contestants in an “American Idol”-style TV singing competition (hopefully it turns out better than “American Dreamz“ – but then, that wouldn’t be difficult) . . . Lil’ Wayne has topped a new MTV poll on the ‘Hottest MCs in Hip-Hop’, ahead of TI, The Game, Andre 3000, and Kanye West (bullets will ensue) . . . Lindsay Lohan reportedly phoned Fergie just 2 days before her latest DUI arrest to ask the “Big Girls Don’t Cry” singer to write her a hit song (“Drunk Girls Don’t Drive”?) . . . And Matt Roloff, star of TLC’s docudrama “Little People, Big World”, has been arrested on suspicion of DUI, his 2nd drunken driving arrest (hey, when you’re only 4′-2”, you can get high on a cotton ball dipped in aftershave).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Arctic Monkeys – SATURDAY they headline the annual “Splendor in the Grass Festival” in Byron Bay, Australia alongside Bloc Party, Kaiser Chiefs, and Lily Allen.
• Avril Lavigne – TOMORROW she’s the musical guest on a “Saturday Night Live” rerun (NBC), hosted by actor Shia LaBeouf (“Transformers”).
• Chris & Rich Robinson – TONIGHT the former Black Crowes brothers do “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS).
• Crowded House – SATURDAY in Northampton MA the recently reunited Aussie rockers kick off their 1st North American tour in more than a decade.
• Daddy Yankee – TONIGHT the reggaeton recording artist nee Raymond Ayala plays the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel).
• The Eagles – Their first full-length studio album since 1979 is in the can and getting final touch-ups before release. The band plans to tour extensively in 2008.
• The Fugees – Wyclef Jean has lashed out at former bandmate Lauryn Hill, claiming her diva ways and desire for control is what’s stopping them from re-forming.
• Kylie Minogue – TONIGHT in London she’s celebrating 20 years in pop music at a big bash where she’s expected to reveal details about a new tour and a new album.
• Spice Girls – 52-year-old Italian designer Donatella Versace will be creating a wardrobe worth close to a half-million dollars for their upcoming reunion tour. Each group member will have an individual look that’s different from their previous personas. THIS WEEK Melanie Brown (‘Scary Spice’) filed a paternity action against actor Eddie Murphy asking for sole custody of their 4-month-old daughter and ‘reasonable child support’.
• Trace Adkins – The “Ladies Love Country Boys” singer has written his first book, “A Personal Stand: Observations & Opinions of a Freethinking Redneck”, which is due out OCTOBER 23rd.
• Vince Gill – THIS MORNING he & wife Amy Grant guest on the “Today Show” (NBC).

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Becoming Jane” ( PG Bio-Drama ): Anne Hathaway portrays late 18th-century author Jane Austen as a young woman whose relationship with a charming Irish rogue (James McAvoy) inspires her to write the books generations have come to know & love  (“Pride & Prejudice“, “Sense & Sensibility”, etc). Shot entirely in Ireland.
NET: http://www.becomingjane-themovie.com/
• “The Bourne Ultimatum” ( PG-13 Thriller ): Matt Damon returns as amnesiac spy ‘Jason Bourne’, who still has no memory of who he really is or where he’s from. In this 3rd attempt to find himself he receives help from a former co-conspirator (Julia Stiles) and confronts a mysterious figure from his past (Edgar Ramirez). Joan Allen co-stars. Shot in Berlin, London, Paris, Madrid, and Washington DC among other places.
NET: http://www.thebourneultimatum.com/
• “Bratz: The Movie” ( PG Comedy ): 4 teen girls from different cliques in the same high school become friends after realizing they have much more in common than the current social order led them to believe. Based on the popular toy line. No-name cast other than Jon Voight slumming as the principal. This is the film for which Paula Abdul was fashion consultant, choreographer and exec producer … until she was axed.
NET: http://www.thebratzfilm.com/
• “El Cantante” ( R-Rated Bio-Drama ): Marc Anthony stars as Hector Lavoe, the real-life Spanish-language singer who achieved major success in the 1960s-70s by bringing salsa music into the mainstream. His terrible addiction to heroin eventually led to his early demise. Anthony’s wife Jennifer Lopez plays his muse and main squeeze.
NET: http://www.elcantantemovie.com/
• “Hot Rod” ( PG-13 Comedy ): An accident-prone daredevil plans an outlandish jump on a moped in order to win over his emotionally distant stepfather who needs a life-saving heart operation. Stars Andy Samberg (“Saturday Night Live”), Isla Fisher (“Wedding Crashers”), and Ian McShane (“Deadwood”).
NET: http://www.hotrodmovie.com/
• “Underdog” ( PG Disney Family Adventure ): Thanks to a mad scientist’s lab accident, an everyday beagle is given superpowers, including the ability the speak (voiced by “My Name is Earl’s” Jason Lee). Donning a cape & tights he protects the citizens of ‘Capitol City’, particularly a pretty little spaniel named ‘Polly Purebread’. This update of the classic TV cartoon series features a real dog in the lead role.
NET: http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/underdog/

JOB JITTERS:
A new study by the Institute of Psychiatry at King’s College in London finds that high-stress jobs make people twice as likely to suffer from depression and/or anxiety. Among those with the most stressful jobs are people in top managerial positions, schoolteachers, and head chefs (Gordon Ramsay, for instance?). And the least stressful occupations? Letter carriers, librarians and hairdressers. (Morning show sports reporters rank slightly behind people who pretend to be corpses in emergency drills.)
– “The Guardian”

IT’S A WACK WORLD:
• Argentina: When the power went out in a Villa Mercedes hospital operating room this week, surgeons had to improvise to finish a procedure. The 29-year-old patient’s appendectomy was completed using the light from … a cellphone. (Another reason to recharge every day, kids!)
• Brazil: A driver has lost his license and been forced to take driver’s-ed classes after racking up too many tickets. That wouldn’t be worth mentioning except that Nelson Piquet is a 3-time Formula One racing champ, winning the whole shebang back in 1981, ‘83 and ‘87. (C’mon Nellie, would it kill you to slow down to 180 in the mall parking lot?)
• Tennessee: A  Baptist Church pastor/on-air personality at Johnson City Christian radio station WZAP has been arrested after being spotted urinating in front of kids at a car wash. Tommy Tester, who at the time was wearing a skirt, then offered oral relations to the cops responding to the complaint. He’s now charged with indecent exposure, DUI, and violation of the open liquor container law. (About the only sin he didn’t commit was shoplifting!)

2007’s STYLE ICONS:
“Vanity Fair” will reveal it’s 68th annual “International Best-Dressed List” in its SEPTEMBER issue. Among the celebs who’ve made the latest rankings are actress Renée Zellweger, rocker Lenny Kravitz, and couples David & Victoria Beckham, Ashton Kutcher & Demi Moore, and Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie. Actor George Clooney is among 7 new additions to the magazine’s ‘Hall of Fame’.
– “Vanity Fair”

SIGNS SHE CHEATS:
According to experts, these are typical warning signs that your woman has a wandering eye …
• Cellphone secrecy. She used to leave it lying around; now she keeps it buried in her purse.
• She loses her nesting instinct. She quits buying things for your home and/or the children.
• She’s busy. She starts going to ‘yoga class’ 5 times-a-week instead of 2.
• She shops more. She may be trying to look good for someone else.
• She asks if you’re cheating.
• She stops nagging.
– “Details Magazine“

FOR THE RECORD:
The ‘World’s Largest Carpet’ has been woven in Iran, a monster mat the size of a soccer field. The wool Persian carpet measuring 60,546 square feet (5,626 square meters) was ordered for use in a mosque in the United Arab Emirates capital of Abu Dhabi. It took 1,200 weavers 18 months to finish the work made from 38 tons of material. The tab: $5.8 million.
– AFP

BS AMAZING FACT:
Scientists working for the US Air Force have created underwear that can be worn for weeks without washing. The bacteria-killing, liquid-repelling undies are designed for soldiers in the field. (But they also make a great excuse for putting off laundry another day … or month.)

AND WE QUOTE:
“I did snort my dad’s ashes … just not with cocaine”
– Rolling Stone Keith Richards reversing his previous story reversal. Wouldn’t have anything to do with hyping his just announced upcoming autobiography, would it?

BS CHRONOMETER 08.03.07

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1926 [81] Tony Bennett (Bennedetto), Astoria NY, legendary pop/jazz singer (“I Left My Heart in San Francisco”)

1940 [67] Martin Sheen (Ramon Estevez), Dayton OH, TV actor (“The West Wing” 1999-2006)/movie actor (“Apocalypse Now”)/father of actors Charlie Sheen & Emilio Estevez

1941 [66] Martha Stewart (Kostyra), Jersey City NJ, TV host (“Martha”)/magazine publisher (“Martha Stewart Living”)/media mogul (Omnimedia)/ex-con convicted of obstructing justice & lying to investigators in 2005

1963 [44] James Hetfield, LA CA, heavy metal singer/guitarist (Metallica-“St Anger” “I Disappear”)

1963 [44] Ed Roland, Atlanta GA, alt-rock singer/guitarist (Collective Soul-“December”, “Shine”)

1963 [44] Isaiah Washington, Houston TX, TV actor (“Grey’s Anatomy” 2005-07)/movie actor (“Romeo Must Die”)

1966 [41] Dean Sams, Garland TX, country singer/keyboardist (Lonestar-“Mr Mom”, “My Front Porch Looking In”)

1977 [30] Tom Brady, San Mateo CA, NFL QB (New England Patriots)/2002, 2004, 2005 Super Bowl winner/boyfriend of model Gisele Bundchen

1979 [28] Evangeline Lilly, Fort Saskatchewan AB, TV actress  (‘Kate Austen’ on “Lost” since 2004)

SATURDAY –
Movie actor Billy Bob Thornton (“Bad Santa”) is 52; Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama is 46; MLB pitcher Roger Clemens (NY Yankees) is 45; TV actor Daniel Dae Kim (“Lost”) is 39; NASCAR racer Jeff Gordon is 36.

SUNDAY –
Rapper Adam Yauch (Beastie Boys) is 43; Country singer Terri Clark (“Girls Lie Too”) is 39.

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “US National Park Day”, an annual observance of the National Park Service.
• “Watermelon Day”, celebrating the summer treat that’s part of the pumpkin, squash & gourd family. Watermelons originated in Africa, then spread to Egypt, India, China and eventually around-the-world.

SATURDAY –
• “Coast Guard Day” in the USA, celebrating the founding of that military branch in 1790.
• “Mustard Day”, honoring the ‘condiment of kings’ and sponsored by the Mount Horeb Mustard Museum, home of the world’s largest collection of mustard memorabilia
PHONER: 800.438.6878 (Barry Levenson, Mount Horeb WI)
NET: http://www.mustardmuseum.com/news_events/day/index.htm
• “National Date Night”, when couples are encouraged to try to revive the romantic spark in their relationships.
• “Pro Football Hall of Fame Induction” in Canton OH. This year’s inductees include Michael Irvin, Bruce Matthews, Charlie Sanders, Roger Wehrli, and Thurman Thomas.
NET: http://www.profootballhof.com

SUNDAY –
• “Chocolate Fest”, the 23rd annual in the resort town of St. Stephen NB through August 11th, highlighted by a daily ‘choctail’ hour, chocolate factory tours, and several chocolate-eating competitions. St Stephen is purportedly where the ‘chocolate bar’ was invented.
NET: http://www.chocolate-fest.ca
• “Sisters’ Day”, celebrated annually on the first Sunday in August to show appreciation to female siblings. A good excuse to ask listeners for the worst dirty tricks pulled on them by sisters.

MONDAY –
• “Civic Holiday” in 8 provinces, Nunavut, and the Northwest Territories, known variously as “BC Day”, “Saskatchewan Day”, “Natal Day”, “New Brunswick Day”, “Heritage Day”, “Simcoe Day”, etc. In Québec, Newfoundland & Labrador, and the Yukon, it’s just another Monday.
• “Halfway Point of Summer”, time to quit carping about the weather and savor the last few weeks of the season.

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1996 [11] Los Del Rio’s infamous “Macarena” hits #1 after a record 33 weeks on singles charts

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1933 [74] 1st ‘Mickey Mouse Watch’ ($2.75)

1949 [58] Basketball Association of America & National Basketball League merge to form ‘NBA’

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1983 [24] John Sain builds 12-ft-high (3.91-meter) house of cards (South Bend IN)

COMING UP . . .
[Mon] Fresh Breath Day
[Mon] Wiggle Your Toes Day
[Mon] Pamper Yourself Day
[Mon] National Kids Day
[Mon-Aug 12] 67th Sturgis Bike Week (Sturgis SD)
[Tues] Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day
[Tues] 24th National Night Out
This Week Is … World Breastfeeding Week
This Month Is … Win With Civility Month

BULL’S BITS

ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM HOSPITAL CHARTS:
• “She has no fever, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.”
• “Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”
• “The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.”
• “The patient refused autopsy.”
• “The patient has no previous history of suicides.”
• “She is numb from her toes down.”
• “Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.”
• “Skin somewhat pale but present.”
• “Patient has 2 teenage children but no other abnormalities.”
• “Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.”

BS PHONE STARTER:
What’s the weirdest thing your kid has ever swallowed?

BS TOP SWAPS:
The week’s most requested music files online …
5. T-Pain – “Bartender”
4. Lloyd – “Get It Shawty”
3. R Kelly f/Usher – “Same Girl”
2. Fergie – “Big Girls Don’t Cry”
1. Sean Kingston – “Beautiful Girls”
– Big Champagne online music measurement

BS RANDOM JOKE:
For some people, depression runs in the family. They have blue genes.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Over half of us do THIS 6 or more times per day, mostly Monday-Friday.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Hit the snooze button.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Small talk is one step down from no talk.