Monday, March 19, 2007 Edition: #3490
Either Sheet or Get Off the Air!
WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• FRIDAY TV game show “Jeopardy!” featured its 1st-ever 3-way tie as all contestants ended up with $16,000 after scoring in ‘Final Jeopardy’. The category was ‘Women of the 1930s’; the clue was “This woman, as a waitress, once served one of the men who shot her”; the correct response was, “Who was Bonnie Parker?”. The 3 contestants were named co-winners and all kept their cash, something that’s never happened in the show’s 23 years. Theme music here …
NET: http://www.80stvthemes.com/gameshows/
– “E! Online”
• FRIDAY Oprah Winfrey opened her 2nd school for disadvantaged South African youth, a $1.6-million environmentally-friendly institution called the Seven Fountains Primary School that uses innovations such as solar power, and see-saws & merry-go-rounds to pump water. Winfrey herself jetted in for the opening ceremony.
– Starpulse News Blog
• 16-year-old actress Emma Watson, who plays ‘Hermione Granger’ in the ‘Harry Potter’ films, has refused to sign a new contract to appear in the series’ final 2 instalments. The feisty young actress has told producers that even doubling her pay to £2 million (about $3.9 million) per movie won’t do the trick, because she’s tired of doing the same old thing. Filming on the 6th film in the series, “Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince”, is due to start in SEPTEMBER.
– “News of the World”
• Could this be another reason for her to quit? Emma Watson now has a private bodyguard tagging along wherever she goes after a man in his 20s began following her around at her school in Britain … even attending lectures. The man is being questioned by police.
– “Contact Music”
• Looks like addictive personality Britney Spears has now become a coke fiend … the other kind of Coke. Word is she’s been drinking 24 cans of Coca-Cola a day during her stint in rehab. And she hasn’t exactly been an ideal patient when it comes to attitude either, making outlandish demands and then throwing temper tantrums when she doesn’t get what she wants.
– “Star Magazine”
• 31-year-old actress Angelina Jolie says she’s taking a long break from her film career to focus on caring for her brood of 4 children with Brad Pitt: 5-year-old Cambodian Maddox; 2-year-old Ethiopian Zahara; 10-month-old biological child Shiloh; and now 3-year-old Vietnamese orphan Pax. She adopted Pax as a lone parent because Vietnamese law does not let unmarried couples co-adopt. She’s promised she’ll stay away from Hollywood to help him adjust to his new life.
– “Teen Hollywood”
• HDTV might be great for viewers but it’s not all good for some TV personalities. One unnamed talking head complains that he’s had to have his hands lasered … because he’s so hairy that HD makes him look like a gorilla.
– PopBitch.com
• A ‘friend’ says “Simple Life” waif Nicole Richie has been taking more and more Adderall of late, a pharmaceutical amphetamine used to treat Attention-Deficit Disorder and narcolepsy. It’s commonly known as a ‘study drug’. So why would someone whose only studies take place in fashion stories and nightclubs have need of this? One of it’s common side effects in adults is weight-loss. Better watch out Nicole, it’s also been rarely known to cause depression, aggressive behavior and … hair loss.
– “In Touch Weekly”
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Beyoncé – She’s reportedly treated boyfriend Jay-Z to a getaway at an $11,000-a-night villa in Punta de Mita, Mexico. The mini-vay-cay comes amid reports they’re on the verge of splitting.
• Elton John – A planned upcoming concert in Trinidad & Tobago is in jeopardy after local church leaders called for a ban because he is openly gay. Nice to see some good Christian tolerance yet again.
• John Mellencamp – TONIGHT he’s on “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS).
• Joss Stone – TONIGHT the Brit soul singer performs on “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS).
• Kid Rock – Prosecutors have decided not to press charges over a Michigan woman’s claim that he assaulted her earlier THIS MONTH by shoving her headfirst into a snowbank after a night of drinking. A local authority says it’s a typical case of ‘he-said, she-said’.
• Madonna – A planned tell-all book titled “Live to Tell: My Life as Madonna’s Nanny” by former hired help Melissa Dumas has been axed by Crown Publishing. Some are reporting that’s because Madonna’s lawyers talked to the publishers and urged them to end the deal.
• Nas – TONIGHT he does “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• Snoop Dogg – He recently spent the night in the same Stockholm, Sweden cell that Axl Rose occupied LAST YEAR. A police spokesman says he smelled of marijuana and there were indications he wasn’t clean.
• Taylor Hicks – The 30-year-old ‘Soul Patrol’ singer has shed 22 lbs, going from 215 to 193, since his “American Idol” win last MAY. How’d he do it? By ditching fast food and such Southern comforts as fried chicken. He’s currently on a 53-city tour to promote his self-titled album.
TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SCHED:
• 36-year-old fashion model Naomi Campbell begins 5 days community service as penance for the misdemeanor assault case in which she pleaded guilty to striking her maid in the head with a cellphone. She was fined $363, ordered to undergo anger-management counseling, and will spend this week cleaning a warehouse owned by NYC’s Sanitation Department. She’s already promised to auction her work duds for charity.
• Jury selection for the Phil Spector murder trial is scheduled to begin in Los Angeles Superior Court. The 67-year-old record producer is charged with the 2003 shooting death of B-movie star Lana Clarkson. He’s been free on $1-million bail ever since. The trial promises to cause a feeding frenzy among the media as TV cameras are being allowed in the courtroom.
• The ballroom dancing competition “Dancing With the Stars 4” debuts (ABC/CTV) with a 2-hour premiere. Contestants include country singer-turned-TV actor Billy Ray Cyrus (“Hannah Montana”); former “Beverly Hills 90210” star Ian Ziering; Ex-“Entertainment Tonight” host Leeza Gibbons; ‘80s supermodel Paulina Porizkova; Muhammad Ali’s boxer-daughter Laila Ali; former ‘NSYNC member Joey Fatone; and Paul McCartney’s one-legged estranged wife Heather Mills.
• 73-year-old Larry King is expected back on his “Larry King Live” CNN show TONIGHT even though he underwent carotid endarterectomy surgery at LA’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center on FRIDAY. The procedure removes plaque from the arteries in the neck which deliver blood and oxygen to the brain. Meantime, 75-year-old fellow TV anchor Regis Philbin is expected to be out of service for 5 weeks while recovering from LAST WEEK’s triple-bypass operation.
LIVE LONG & DIE OUT:
The single most effective way to free the environment of pollution is by … refusing to have children. So goes the thinking of the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement (‘VHEM’), whose mandate is ‘phasing out the human race by voluntarily ceasing to breed in order to allow Earth’s biosphere to return to good health’. They admit it’s a long-range goal.
NET: http://www.vhemt.org/
The group’s newsletter “These Exit Times” plus ‘Thank You For Not Breeding’ t-shirts and bumper stickers are here …
http://www.vhemt.org/join.htm#tet
– “Curious Times”
EVERYBODY PANIC!
A ‘routine’ FBI and Homeland Security Department advisory issued to local law enforcement agencies FRIDAY claims that members of extremist groups have signed up as school bus drivers in the United States. Asked about the cautionary bulletin, an FBI spokesman says that parents and children have ‘nothing to fear’. So whatthehell’s the point of issuing the warning? (You can bet there’s gonna be a lot of car rides to school this morning.)
– AP
THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE:
83-year-old former Canadian Minister of Defence Paul Hellyer is calling on governments of the world to release their knowledge of … secret alien technologies. Why? It could be the secret to stopping climate change! Hellyer claims knowledge of extraterrestrial technology could be just the ticket to get us out of the fossil fuel age and governments may already know enough to save the planet if it’s applied quickly enough. (In the meantime, everybody keep your tin hats on!)
– “Ottawa Citizen”
RENT-A-ROVER:
A Japanese pet shop owner in overcrowded Tokyo is now renting animals to those without room to own one. A 4-hour stroll with a cat or dog goes for about $25, larger dogs for $40. (Shovels are an extra 10.)
– “Mainichi Daily News”
21ST CENTURY TERMS:
In its new edition, the venerable “Oxford English Dictionary” is adding the new words ‘wiki’ (a website that allows visitors to add, remove and edit content, as in Wikipedia); ‘irritainment’ (something on TV so annoying that you just can’t stop watching it, as in “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?”); and ‘virtualize’ (the abstraction of computer resources, a techie term that would take about 5 pages to explain).
– Reuters
NOT A LEVEL PLAYING FIELD:
According to a study of professional athletes, those with the longest careers in sports are … bowlers. They average a whopping 17 years in competition. Basketballers and baseballers both average 4.5 years in the biz, while pro footballers survive just 3.5 years. Amazingly, professional bullfighters average 10 years behind the cape. (Before it’s draped over their casket.)
– “Men’s Health”
A REAL COCKTAIL DRESS:
Many a woman knows the horrors of ruining a dress by spilling wine on it. Now a scientist claims to have found a novel solution … make the dress itself out of wine. Cary Gass of the University of Western Australia has invented what he calls a ‘Cave Woman Dress’ which is made from cellulose woven by bacteria in a vat of fermenting wine. Glass admits his creation is merely an artwork to spark debate about future fashion. It’s not meant to be practical. (Well, it could be – can you wring out the hem into your glass?)
– “Focus”
BS AMAZING FACT:
According to the Canadian Bankers Association, service fees from retail customers account for only about 5% of bank revenues … a nickel and dime at a time.
No American has died of old age since 1951, the year that classification was eliminated on US death certificates.
HE SAID IT:
“I sell more records than Bruce Springsteen. In the last 5 years, I’ve probably sold over 100 million records. If he got $100 million, I should have got $500 million.”
– Simon Cowell, bragging to Anderson Cooper on LAST NIGHT’s edition of “60 Minutes”.
THE BULL SHEET 03.19.07
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1947 [60] Glenn Close, Greenwich CT, movie actress (“101 Dalmatians”, “Fatal Attraction”)/Broadway actress (3 Tony Awards-“The Real Thing”, “Death & the Maiden”, “Sunset Boulevard”)
1955 [52] Bruce Willis, Idar-Oberstein, Germany, movie actor (“Lucky Number Slevin”, “The Sixth Sense”)/ex-Mr Demi Moore (1987-2000) UP NEXT: A 4th “Die Hard” film, “Live Free or Die Hard”, opening JUNE 29th.
1976 [31] Zach Lind, Mesa AZ, rock drummer (Jimmy Eat World-“Pain”, “The Middle”)
TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Annual Office Coffee Cup Washing”, a day set aside once-a-year to cleanse that stained, scum-laden, germ-infested mug you use every work day … whether it needs it or not.
• “St Joseph’s Day”, the day that the swallows traditionally return to the Mission San Juan Capistrano in California, an excuse for the annual “Fiesta de las Golindrinas”. Every March 19th since 1776 (with very few exceptions), the birds come back to usher in spring in the Southern California seaside town, and their return is now an annual tourist attraction. “When the Swallows Come Back to Capistrano” was actually a hit song for Glenn Miller back in the day … 1940.
• “Teenagers Day”, a day to quit picking on them for their awkwardness & angst in striving to become adults and admit that, compared to ourselves at that age, they ain’t so bad after all.
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1895 [112] 1st ‘Motion Picture’, created by French brothers Louis & August Lumiere using a wooden ‘cinematograph’ camera in Lyons, France
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1957 [50] Elvis Presley buys the ‘Graceland’ estate in Memphis for $100,000 (about the same amount it now rakes in … per day)
1977 [30] On the final episode of the much acclaimed “Mary Tyler Moore Show” (CBS 1970-77), the entire cast of characters is fired from the WJM-TV newsroom except for inept egomaniac ‘Ted Baxter’, played by the late Ted Knight
1988 [19] Michael Jackson buys a ranch near Santa Ynez CA, christens it ‘Neverland’, and later builds his own zoo & amusement park
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1831 [176] 1st recorded bank robbery in history as $245,000 is stolen in a NYC heist
1871 [136] 1st ‘Chewing Gum’ is invented (next day, the first wad is found under a theater seat)
1931 [76] Nevada 1st legalizes gambling, and ‘Alka-Seltzer’ 1st goes on sale (coincidence?)
1990 [17] 1st-ever ‘Women’s World Hockey Tournament’ (won by Canada in Ottawa)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues-Sun] World Figure Skating Championships (Tokyo, Japan)
[Tues] Agriculture Day
[Tues] Single Parents Day
[Tues] Stephen Colbert Day (Oshawa ON)
[Wed] Spring arrives (8:07 pm ET)
[Wed] Proposal Day
[Wed] Snowman Burning Day
[Wed] International Astrology Day
[Wed] World Day for Elimination of Racial Discrimination
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Agriculture Week / Animal Poison Prevention Week / Bubble Blowers Week / End Racial Discrimination Week / Inhalant & Poisons Awareness Week / Spring Fever Week
BULL’S BITS
MORE BS ‘WHYZITS?’:
• Whyzit there are 5 syllables in the word ‘monosyllabic’?
• Whyzit your nose only itches when your hands are full?
• Whyzit the idiot in front of you in the supermarket express lane always manages to pick out the 1 item in the store that has no price on it?
• Whyzit your iron has a setting for ‘Permanent Press’?
• Whyzit that, no matter when you graduated, your yearbook pictures keep getting nerdier and nerdier as the years go by?
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• Can you be a meat-eating environmentalist? (According to PETA, no you can’t due to all the greenhouse gases livestock produce.)
• If you aced “Canada’s National IQ Test” on CBC-TV LAST NIGHT, call us now. We’ve got a question or two for you!
BS RANDOM JOKES:
• There should be a law about “March Madness” and “St Patrick’s Day” happening on the same weekend. That lung you upchucked can prove very difficult to find.
• I think climate change is excellent. For one thing, it means my house is getting nearer to the beach.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: In the past 13 years, female ownership of THIS has more than doubled.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Motorcycles.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Opinions are like noses … everyone has one.
NOW ON OUR SHEET LIST:
“The Bull Sheet” salutes subscribers who’ve just re-upped for another year: Bill Klaus @ WNIR Akron OH (13th year!); and G @ K-Rock 1057 [CIKR] Kingston ON; and we welcome samplers this week that include Vanessa Grullon @ Sirius Satellite Radio NYC; Mark Linabury @ KingwoodRadio.com Kingwood TX; Mary-Anne Wadsworth @ Star FM St Helens, Tasmania, Australia; Ian Smith @ K-94 The Cape [CKPE] Sydney NS; and Elaine Auritt @ Z-93.3 [WIZM] La Crosse WI. Remember “BSers”, we bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each & every new subscriber you refer! You can instantly subscribe or renew right here … http://thebullsheet.com/location.html
