Wednesday, March 7, 2007        Edition: #3482
“There’s No BS Like Show BS … “

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT the 4-day Indian leg of actress Elizabeth Hurley’s lavish wedding to wealthy heir Arun Nayar begins (the Brit version was held SATURDAY) with a traditional ceremony in a palace near Jodhpur, and reports say snooty Victoria Beckham is refusing to wear the hot pink sari suggested for all women guests – but Elton John says he by all means will (in typical show biz fashion, exclusive photo rights have been sold to “Hello!” magazine) . . . TONIGHT “The Wedding Bells” debuts (FOX), a new TV comedy from producer David E Kelley (“Ally McBeal”, “The Practice”) about 3 sisters who run a wedding planning business (hijinks ensue) . . . TONIGHT a new season of “South Park” debuts (Comedy Central/Global) and the show’s first HD episode, “Good Times With Weapons”, will be available free for 2 weeks from Microsoft’s XboxLive website . . . Movie actor & distinguished ‘Mile High Club’ member Ralph Fiennes has upset management at a Belgian hotel after disturbing other guests by frolicking naked in a swimming pool – with 4 women (wildman Colin Farrell, his co-star on the set of “In Bruges”, seems tame by comparison) . . . Trash-talk TV host-turned-ballroom dancer Jerry Springer is taking over as emcee of Simon Cowell’s “America’s Got Talent” summer TV talent show (NBC) after Regis Philbin bowed out of repeating as host . . . Insiders say those infamous homophobic outbursts from “Grey’s Anatomy” actor Isaiah Washington may end up costing him millions, as ABC-TV realizes it doesn’t have to offer him anything to keep him on board at the same time as it’s in contract renegotiations with the rest of the cast . . . And promoters say tickets are still available for Michael Jackson’s 2 exclusive fan events THIS WEEK in Tokyo, Japan, including TOMORROW’s ‘VIP Party’ where suckers who shill out $3,500 get to spend a grand total of 30 seconds in the presence of his weirdness (we’re betting this event gets postponed – again).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• All-American Rejects – TONIGHT they guest on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel).
• Arctic Monkeys – Drummer Matt Helders is launching his own clothing line, a limited-edition collection of a jackets & t-shirts due to go on sale in MAY.
• Fall Out Boy – TONIGHT they perform on “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS).
• INXS – Over 50 personal items belonging to late lead singer Michael Hutchence are being sold on eBay by his brother, including a 1990 fax to his then-girlfriend, Kylie Minogue (subject of the INXS hit “Suicide Blonde”).
• Kanye West – TODAY a music promotion company is having a NYC meeting for him & 8 guests catered by a curry restaurant near Cardiff, Wales. The chef of the British Raj personally accompanied the overnight delivery by helicopter and airplane. The tab: A little over $3,900 … plus travel & accommodations. Enough to feed a typical African village for about 82 years.
• Red Hot Chili Peppers – They’ve sent a message of condolence to the family of an 18-year-old fan who was killed by a hit & run driver after camping out overnight in a lineup for tickets to their upcoming concert in Auckland, New Zealand. Always practise safe ticketing … buy online!
• Sean Combs – He’s being sued for assault & battery by a real estate broker who claims he was attacked in the parking lot of Hollywood’s Roosevelt Hotel after a post-Academy Awards party. As well as roughing him up, the claimant says Combs threatened him by yelling, “I’ll smack flames out of your ass!” Don’t worry, Diddy … who’d believe a real estate rep?
• U2 – Bono will be the ‘guest editor’ of the JULY issue of “Vanity Fair” magazine, which – not surprisingly – will put aside some of its usual fare in favor of stories about Africa.

BY THE NUMBERS:
A BS snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 80% of men and 69% of women say their partner is their best friend.
• 50% of us say the #1 thing we do to get our partners ‘in the mood’ is cook them food.
• 22% of married men and 11% of married women have forgotten an anniversary.
• 25% of us give ourselves a ‘9′ (on a scale of 1-to-10) for the cleanliness of our homes.
• 8% of Canadians only switch their toothbrush once a year.
• 3% of dog owners have showered with their pooches.

CUTTING EDGE VOCAB:
New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Day Reporting’ – An alternative to incarceration in which convicted offenders appear before authorities once a day in lieu of spending time behind bars. It’s a low-cost alternative to building jails and housing criminals. (“I’ll be a bit late day-reporting this afternoon, officer. I’ve got a bank job to pull off first.”)
• ‘Salad-Dodger’ – Someone on the road to obesity who doesn’t eat healthfully. (“Actor John Goodman is real salad-dodger. He’s put 3 all-you-can-eat buffets out-of-business!”)
• ‘Smirting’ – New York slang for flirting with someone while being banished outside to have a smoke. (“I met really rich Raul while smirting outside a club. I’m hoping we’ll wed and he’ll get cancer first.”)

NEW BS GIZMOS & GADGETS:
• A new ‘Britney Rehab Doll’ is now on the market, complete with bald head and straightjacket, presumably to prevent any aggressive umbrella attacks. The creator has at least shown some mercy by significantly slimming down the doll’s figure compared to the real deal. It’s currently selling on eBay for bids as high as $80.
NET: http://tinyurl.com/23qa9m
• A company called Digital Cinema Implementation Partners is developing a system to deliver movies to theaters via satellite and/or the Internet. The ‘DCIP’ system would allow multiplexes with digital projection systems to use additional screens to show movies that would otherwise be sold out. It would also allow theaters in smaller markets to schedule art films over short runs. It’s expected the system will begin testing by the end of THIS YEAR.
• A team of scientists and designers has created an alarm clock that bleeps at 113 decibels, loud enough to rouse even the heaviest sleepers. The ‘Sonic Bomb Clock’ has an adjustable volume control but at its maximum it’s 13 decibels louder than a pneumatic drill. The ‘Sonic Bomb’ also comes with a bed shaker, which can be fitted under your mattress. Now there really is no rest for the wicked!

SILLY BS STUDIES:
• A study published in the “LA Times” says that between the ages of 25 and 65, more than 30% of your facial area drops from above the mid-face line to below. The nose, for instance, stretches 10% and tips downward by a quarter-inch on average. (All of this applies unless, of course, you’re Sylvester Stallone, who’s now had 75% of his face dragged up and tucked into each eye socket.)
• A German study finds that government employees who are allowed to nap during the day are more efficient than those who stay awake. (This is unbelievable – there are civil servants who stay awake?)
• A study from the American Medical Association finds that long-term marijuana use can lower your attention span and destroy your memory. (Now where was it I read that?)
• A Harvard University study suggests that ketchup can help lower risk of prostate cancer in men. (BS tip: The squeeze bottles make application much easier.)

THINK YOU’RE HAVING A TOUGH COMMUTE?
THIS WEEK a sleek Bugatti Veyron – a so-called ‘supercar’ costing circa $1.7 million – was trashed in Britain in what may be the world’s most expensive traffic accident. A police report says the Veyron, capable of 250 mph, was doing around 100 mph (60 over the limit) on a Surrey highway when it slewed out of control in pouring rain. It spun 3 times, hit a compact car, then smashed into trees. The Bugatti driver has been charged with ‘driving without due care and attention’ (how British!). Insurance assessors are still working out whether the hand-built French vehicle is repairable … or the most exclusive write-off on the planet. The driver had rented the car for the day for about $40,000. (The owner’s insurance premium is now expected to increase to TWO arms and TWO legs.)
– “The Sun”

DID YOU KNOW?
• Otters can get herpes.
• The older you get, the slower your hair grows.
• Albert Einstein couldn’t read until age 9.
• Elephants breathe 12 times a minute.
• The Oreo is the world’s best-selling cookie.
• In an average day, Canada imports 822 hockey sticks from Russia.
• Americans eat enough ice cream each year to fill the Grand Canyon.
– AskMen.com

TOO MUCH INFORMATION?
A new estimate on the amount of digital information the world is generating is simply mind-boggling. The report, assembled by tech research firm IDC, tries to account for all the photos, videos, e-mails, web pages, instant messages, phone calls and other digital content zipping around. And here’s the bottom line – the world generated 161 exabytes (161 billion gigabytes) of digital information LAST YEAR alone. That’s equivalent to 2 billion of the highest capacity iPods on the market; or 12 stacks of books that each reach from the Earth to the Sun; or 3-million times the info in all the books ever written. IDC says that, for the first time, there’s not enough storage space to hold it all. (All right people, it’s time to start deleting some stuff!)
– CBC News.

FOR THE RECORD:
THIS WEEK a UK couple has set off on a journey around-the-world … without boarding a single airplane. 34-year-old Ed Gillespie & 28-year-old girlfriend Fiona King plan to travel 40,000 miles across 20 countries. The trek is not only expected to take longer to complete – a year or more – as traveling by plane but will also cost about 5 times as much. The couple says it’s their way to prove there are more environmentally-friendly ways to travel. (Great … if you’re unemployed.)
– AHN

AND WE QUOTE:
“Hey wassup! This is Liz. Sorry I’m away from the throne. For a hotline to Philip, press 1. For Charles, press 2. And for the corgis, press 3.”
– The prank message recorded by British princes William & Harry when their grandmother the Queen asked for help setting up her new voicemail. Sky News reports that her highness was not amused at first but later saw the humor in it.

THE BULL SHEET 03.07.07

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1964 [43] Wanda Sykes, Portsmouth VA, stand-up comedian/movie actress (“Over the Hedge”, “Barnyard”)

1971 [36] Rachel Weisz, London UK, movie actress (“The Fountain”, 2006 Oscar-“The Constant Gardener”)

1973 [34] Sebastien Izambard, Paris, France, pop singer (Il Divo-“All By Myself”, “Unbreak My Heart”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Canadian Music Week 2007” in Toronto through Saturday, Canada’s international music convention showcasing scores of artists and highlighted by the “Indie Awards” (TONIGHT) for international independent music; the “Canadian Music Industry Awards” (THURSDAY); the “Crystal Awards” for broadcast advertising (FRIDAY); and the “Canadian Radio Music Awards” (SATURDAY).
NET: http://www.cmw.net/cmw2007/index.asp

• “Cereal Day”, a day to share in the delights of crunchy ‘n crispy breakfast cereals. If you were to invent your own breakfast cereal, what would be in it? You can name it (‘Blueberry Covered Granola Cubes’ perhaps?) by selecting options from 4 categories in the ‘Cereal Name Creator’ right here …
NET: http://www.lavasurfer.com/cereal-creator.html

• “Nenana Ice Classic”, the 91st annual in Nenana, Alaska where they erect a 26-foot tripod on the frozen Tanana River. Since 1917, when the first wooden tripod was built by bored engineers, people have been betting on the day and date of the spring breakup. Because of the high stakes ($800 in 1917, now over $270,000), the ice is closely watched by lottery participants. Someone who invests in a $2-prediction is going to get rich, but it’ll be a while – TODAY’s predicted high temperature is -30 F. LAST YEAR the ice broke on MAY 2nd at precisely 5:29 pm.
PHONER: 907.832.5446
NET: http://www.nenanaakiceclassic.com

• “Stop Bad Service Day”, honoring companies that foster loyalty by providing top-notch service. Ask listeners for stories of unusual and exceptional customer service. If it turns out to involve a sponsor – all the better!

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1996 [11] 20th Century Fox sues an Australian brewery for distributing ‘Duff Beer’, stealing the name from the brand favored by ‘Homer’ on “The Simpsons”

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1987 [20] “Licensed to Ill” by the Beastie Boys becomes the 1st rap album to hit #1  FACTOID: They’ve just wrapped their first new album since 2004’s “To the 5 Boroughs”, which is due out THIS SUMMER.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1876 [131] Alexander Graham Bell patents the ‘Telephone’, and 3 days later makes 1st phone call (unfortunately gets a busy signal)

1911 [96] 1st ‘Coin-Operated Locker’, invented by Willis Farnsworth of Petaluma CA (thereby giving movie bad-guys a place to stash their loot)

COMING UP . . .
[Thurs] Aunts Day
[Thurs] International Women’s Day
[Fri] Panic Day
[Fri] Employee Appreciation Day
[Fri] “300” opens in movie theaters
[Sat] Salvation Army Day
[Sat] Mario Day
[Sat] Osama Bin Laden’s birthday
[Sat] 2007 Soul Train Music Awards (Pasadena CA)
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time begins
This Week Is … Cheerleading Week
This Month Is … Listening Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS

THIS WEEK the 2007 “Tim Horton’s Brier” is underway at Copps Coliseum in Hamilton, a good excuse to review …
BS REASONS CURLING IS BETTER THAN SEX:
• You can score up to 10 times in 1 night.
• Lasts up to 2-and-a-half hours.
• It’s OK to yell, “Hurry, hurry, hard all the way!”
• There are 4 positions, but you only have to be good at 1 of them.
• When you’re finished, someone else has to clean the sheets.
NET: http://www.curling.ca/fan_central/brier/2007/index.asp

WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN DOGS:
• Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they’re horny.
• Cats always land on their feet. Dogs just won’t let you throw them.
• Cats will wait until you’ve read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.
• Fewer cat owners suffer from ‘Flappy Tail’ lacerations.
• No one has ever had to ‘Beware of the Cat’.
• Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others’.
• Why do you think they call it ‘Dog Breath’?

BS ‘GOOD OR BAD?’
You run down the list rapid-fire while your guest/listener/co-host rates each as simply ‘good’ or ‘bad’ …
• Guacamole dip.
• Skinny jeans.
• Old guys riding around on Harleys.
• Fake boobs.
• Tofu.
• Wine in a box.
• Pre-sliced bagels.
• Early retirement.
• Artificial coffee cream.
• Opinion polls.

BS RANDOM JOKE:
The world’s full of apathy … but I don’t care.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The average motorist does THIS 5 times a trip.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Breaks the law.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Don’t be so humble. You’re not that great.