Tuesday, May 9, 2006        Edition: #3278
Thanks For Being On Our Sheet List!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT the final 4 “American Idol” contestants make a videotaped visit to Graceland, where they’re greeted by Priscilla & Lisa Marie Presley (then they’ll proceed to murder Elvis songs) . . . Simon Cowell now says his favorites to win “AI-5″ are now Chris Daughtry or Taylor Hicks, with Katharine McPhee as the dark horse (hey, he’s usually bang on) . . . TONIGHT ABC airs the controversial made-for-TV movie “Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America”, which follows the hypothetical spread of a pandemic from a Hong Kong marketplace to a plane full of US-bound passengers (is this sponsored by a pharmaceutical company by any chance?) . . . Apple Computer’s long & winding court battle with The Beatles music label, Apple Corps, is finally over as a UK judge has ruled that the iTunes online store does not infringe on trademarks held by the label (oh no, what will Paul McCartney do for cash?) . . . Heather Mills-McCartney has admitted she & Paul McCartney have had some marital arguments of late but denies their 4-year marriage is in crisis and they are living separately . . . Brad Pitt has spent 4 days touring the Dominican Republic with a real estate agent, looking for the perfect locale to build a private vacation home which he’s likely to have built in the isolated northeast of the island . . . Rumor has it NBC-TV may cancel “The Apprentice” before it gets the chance to move to LA for its 6th season – due to sliding ratings (not to mention the sliding comb-over) . . . Comedy Central was slightly shocked to receive a request from Iraqi Army troops in Baghdad for merchandise from its spoof cop show “Reno 911!” but sent over a whole load of stuff anyway, perhaps amused to find out that – the Iraqis think it is a serious police drama . . . Irish-born “Mission: Impossible 3“ actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers is on a roll, now in negotiations to become a spokesman for Hugo Boss menswear just days after signing on as the new face of Versace . . . And it seems the rumors are true – 38-year-old gold-digger Anna Nicole Smith is said to be pregnant via 31-year-old freelance reporter/photographer Larry Birkhead, who’s reportedly been a secret boyfriend for years (or at least since that Supreme Court ruling about the money).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Black Eyed Peas – TONIGHT they perform with Sergio Mendes on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Carrie Underwood – She’s now a college grad, receiving her degree from Northeastern State University in Tahlequah OK.
• Cheap Trick – TONIGHT the classic rockers do “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”. It just happens to be vocalist/bassist Tom Petersson’s 56th birthday.
• Harry Connick Jr – TODAY he’s on ABC talk show “The View”, talking about his new CD release, “Harry on Broadway: Act 1, Harry Connick Jr & Kelli O’Hara”. 
• Natasha Bedingfield – THIS AFTERNOON she guests on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Nick Lachey – TODAY he’s flogging his 2nd solo album, “What’s Left of Me”, on “Live With Regis & Kelly”. The new release is full of tunes referring to his breakup with Jessica Simpson, but he insists it is NOT in any way meant to be vindictive. Right.
• Red Hot Chili Peppers – TODAY they unleash the 25-track, 2-disc “Stadium Arcadium”. They actually recorded 38 songs for the project and at one point considered releasing 3 separate albums.
• Rolling Stones – Details of the re-scheduling of the “Bigger Bang” tour are expected in the next few days. A delay has become necessary to allow Keith Richards to recover from brain surgery.
• Rihanna – TONIGHT she’s a guest on NBC’s “Last Call With Carson Daly”.
• TI – TONIGHT his tour resumes in New Orleans LA after being halted LAST WEEK by the fatal shooting of his personal assistant & injuries to 3 others in his entourage in Cincinnati OH.
• Also in music stores TODAY: The “Mission: Impossible 3“ soundtrack; Neil Young’s “Living with War”; Paul Simon’s “Surprise”; The Isley Brothers’ “Baby Makin’ Music”; “The Best of Chris Isaak”; and the self-titled album “Jagged Edge”.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Big Momma’s House 2“ ( Action Comedy ): Martin Lawrence returns as undercover FBI agent  ‘Malcolm Turner’ in this sequel to the 2000 hit. This time around, Turner is out to expose the suspected creator of a deadly computer worm that would allow outsiders access to government intelligence files. Hijinks – and a great deal of body padding – ensue.
• “Munich” ( Historical Drama ): This Steven Spielberg film is not really about the kidnaping and killing of 11 Israeli athletes at the 1972 Olympic Games by the PLO, but the Israeli response: 5 agents charged with tracking down the men responsible for the attack. Stars Eric Bana and new ‘James Bond’ actor Daniel Craig.
• “Nanny McPhee” ( Family Comedy ): Emma Thompson scripted this story based on the “Nurse Matilda” books by Christianna Brand, and stars as the mysterious ‘Nanny’, who takes charge of the 7 exceptionally naughty children of a newly widowed man (Colin Firth).
• “The New World” ( Historical Adventure ): Inspired by the legend of John Smith & Pocahontas, Colin Farrell, Christopher Plummer & newcomer Q’Orianka [‘kor-ee-AN-kuh’] Kilcher star in this period piece about the clash between Native Americans and 17th century English settlers.
• “Rumor Has It …” ( Romantic Comedy ): Jennifer Aniston plays a woman who returns home with her fiancé (Mark Ruffalo) and discovers the startling secret that her family may have been the inspiration for the 1967 movie classic “The Graduate”. That would make her grandmother (Shirley MacLaine) the real ‘Mrs Robinson’ and Kevin Costner a grown up ‘Benjamin’.
• Also out on DVD TODAY: “The West Wing: The Complete 6th Season”; “Everybody Loves Raymond: The Complete 6th Season”; “Scrubs: The Complete 2nd Season”; and, just in time for FRIDAY’s theater release of the remake “Poseidon”, a ‘Special Edition’ of the original 1972 disaster classic “The Poseidon Adventure”.

“AMERICAN IDOL” POLL:
Highlights of a new Pursuant Research survey of over 1,000 adults …
• 44% don’t ever watch “American Idol 5″.
• 78% have not voted during “American Idol 5″. Of those who do vote, 73% are women.
• 34% think that voting for an “American Idol” candidate has more impact than voting in a US presidential election.
• 24% value Simon Cowell’s opinion as judge most. Surprisingly, Randy Jackson & Paula Abdul are ranked pretty much equal at about 15%.
• Not a single respondent admits to voting because they dislike a contestant, wanted to eliminate a contestant, or because they wanted to prove one or more of the judges wrong.
– “Reality Blurred”

DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?
The King of Hearts in a deck of cards is the only king without a mustache.

BS LAW & DISORDER:
• An Austrian soldier pulled over by police in the village of St Michael has been charged with speeding – in a tank. He’s been fined $20 for driving the 25-ton tank at 40 mph in a 30 mph zone. And he had to pay the money out of his own pocket even though he was engaged in an international military exercise at the time.
• A driver in Woensdrecht, Holland who was going just 6 mph on the A-4 highway was pulled over by a cop – on foot. Perhaps not surprisingly, the 36-year-old motorist was found to be under the influence of drugs. But that’s not a major offence in the notoriously liberal Netherlands – his licence was only confiscated for 12 hours.
• A 41-year-old Jamaican man has been sentenced in Tucson AZ to 13 months in prison for attempting to enter the United States illegally by – surgically replacing his fingerprints with skin from his feet. Ouch!

HAVE A NICE DRIVE:
When it comes to traffic fatalities, TUESDAY is the safest day of the week on which to drive. Evenings and weekends are the deadliest times on the road. By far, SATURDAY is the worst day to drive, followed by FRIDAY and SUNDAY. The worst time of the day for traffic deaths is from 5-to-7 pm.
– The journal “Injury Prevention”.

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A Scaggsville MD cemetery is offering clients coffins with a sensor that detects any movement inside them after they’ve been buried. According to The Lovely Living Cemetery, it’s to avoid anyone being buried alive. (A real concern after you’ve been cremated.)
• Doctors in Chendu, China who examined a man complaining of a sore throat were shocked to find – a knife stuck in his trachea. It seems the 36-year-old swallowed the 3-inch knife when narcs raided his home, not wanting to be charged with possessing a weapon. What’s truly amazing is – this all happened 8 months before he finally went to the hospital!
• New research carried out at the Sea Mammal Research Unit of Scotland’s St Andrews University suggests that dolphins address one another by whistling out each other’s ‘names’. (Coincidentally, they all seem to be named ‘Ack ack ack ack’.)

TOM CRUISE TO BECOME NEXT “SUPERMAN”?
Scientologists are getting ready to roll out a new program called ‘Super Power’. The group’s Clearwater FL headquarters will be the only location where the much-anticipated program will be offered. The key aim is to enhance one’s perceptions, but not just the 5 senses we all know. Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard taught that people have 57 so-called ‘perceptics’ that include the ability to discern relative sizes, blood circulation, balance, compass direction, temperature, gravity and an awareness of importance & unimportance. (Not to mention the ability to convince starlets to do your evil bidding and the power to cloud your own mind.)
– “St Petersburg Times”

AND WE QUOTE:
“I was always that girl in the bar who told every [guy] to get lost. Still am.”
– Alberta-born “Lost” star Evangeline Lilly sharing her warmth.

THE BULL SHEET 05.09.2K6

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1918 [88] Mike (Myron Leon) Wallace, Brookline MA, semi-retired CBS-TV journalist (“60 Minutes” 1968-2006)

1936 [70] Albert Finney, Manchester UK, movie actor (“Corpse Bride”, “Erin Brockovich”)

1946 [60] Candice Bergen, Beverly Hills CA, TV actress (‘Shirley Schmidt’ on “Boston Legal”, 4 Emmy Awards-“Murphy Brown” 1988-98)/movie actress (“Miss Congeniality”)

1949 [57] Billy Joel, Hicksville NY, oldies singer (“Just the Way You Are”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1999)/rehab veteran

1962 [44] David Gahan, Epping UK, alternative rock singer (Depeche Mode-“People Are People”)

1965 [41] Steve Yzerman, Cranbrook BC, NHL center (Detroit Red Wings)

1974 [32] Stephane Yelle, Ottawa ON, NHL center (Calgary Flames)

1979 [27] Pierre Bouvier, Montréal QC, rock singer (Simple Plan-“Untitled [How Could This Happen To Me?]”)

1979 [27] Rosario Dawson, NYC, movie actress (“Rent”, “Sin City”)  COMING UP: “Sin City 2″ and “Clerks 2″.

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Lost Sock Memorial Day”, a day to remember those singular hose that went into the washing machine or dryer never to return. Play “Taps” for them?

• “National Teacher Day”, always the TUESDAY of the first full week of MAY. Should teachers get gifts?

• “Small Business Day”. A small business is defined as one with fewer than 100 employees.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1899 [107] 1st ‘Lawn Mower’ is patented (thereby ruining weekends)

1960 [46] 1st public sale of ‘Contraceptive Pills’

1997 [09] 1st graduate from 1st university operating entirely online (you can bet that ‘Virtual Diploma’ from International University is truly beyond worth!)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1984 [22] Chicago White Sox and Milwaukee Brewers finish 8 hour, 6 minute game – longest-ever MLB game in elapsed time (Chicago wins 7-6 in 25th inning … on 2nd day)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Root Canal Appreciation Day
[Wed] Third Shift Workers Day
[Wed] Clean Up Your Room Day
[Wed] Child Care Provider Appreciation Day
[Thurs] Eat What You Want Day
[Sat] Native American Day
[Sun] Mothers Day
This Week Is … Goodwill Industries Week
This Month Is … Good Carkeeping Month

BULL’S BITS

BS THINGS I LEARNED FROM MY MOTHER:
Use a mature female voice for the quotations (like your mom maybe?). My mother taught me about …
• Logic. [“Because I said so, that’s why.”]
• Foresight. [“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”]
• Religion. [“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”]
• Irony. [“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”]
• Stamina. [“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”]
• Weather. [“This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it.”]
• Hypocrisy. [“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”]
• Medical Science. [“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”]
• Appreciating a Job Well Done. [“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”]
• Fear. [“One day you’ll have a child who’ll do the same things to you.”]

BS ‘5-IN-10 GAME’:
The fastest game in radio lasts less than a minute! Contestant has 10 seconds to name items in each of the following 5 categories. You keep track of the numbers and decide if the answers are valid. In 10 seconds name …
• Breakfast aromas in the kitchen.
• Things that will get you fired from your job.
• Colors in a rainbow.
• Popular given names for baby girls.
• Things you might give your mother for “Mothers Day”.

BS HOUSEHOLD HINTS FOR GUYS:
• Remove auto grease from hands with baking soda and water. This works as well as any product on the market … and it’s a lot cheaper!
• If your windshield wipers are beginning to wear down, you can make them last longer by rubbing them briskly with sandpaper.

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• I see union workers at the mint have gone on strike. They’re demanding to make less money.
• My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 22% of women say it’s unforgivable to do THIS on a first date.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Forget her name. (You’d think it would be more, no?)

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Everything alive either grows or dies.