Wednesday, April 6, 2005        Edition: #3006
You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Sheet!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY the 2nd round of “Canadian Idol” auditions roll into Charlottetown PEI . . . TODAY Verizon Wireless begins running 1-minute original spin-off episodes of “The Simple Life” with Paris Hilton & Nicole Richie – for 99 cents each (nobody even wants to watch them on TV for free!) . . . Remember Ray & Deana, the seemingly always-arguing couple that got booted from “Amazing Race 7″ LAST WEEK? Well, they’re getting married because the show ‘brought them together’ (we give them 6 months before one offs the other) . . . ABC-TV’s “Primetime” is researching a show on Simon Fuller and the contracts he forces recording acts and reality show contestants to sign (including Kelly Clarkson, who just managed to squirm out of hers) . . . The just-beginning 36th season of “Sesame Street” features a new Muppet named ‘Donald Grump’ (modelled on Donald Trump’) plus new features titled “Desperate Houseplants” and ‘Grouch Eye for the Nice Guy’ . . . Check this hook-up rumor – 18-year-old starlet Lindsay Lohan has reportedly been hanging with 35-year-old actor Christian Slater, recently dumped by his long-suffering wife (maybe the sleazeball is a father figure for her?) . . . One reason former 98 Degree boy-bander Justin Jeffre is running for mayor of Cincinnati – he’s trying to sell his campaign as a reality show (thank god, no takers yet) . . . “Ray” actor Jamie Foxx is working on recording an album which will feature collaborations with 50 Cent, Kanye West, Snoop Dogg, Slash & former Creed rocker Scott Stapp, and will be highlighted by a track called “Sexy” that he says will become a ‘national anthem’ (he’s so annoying since the Oscar – dude, couldn’t you at least fake some humility?) . . . Publicist Bob Jones, fired by Michael Jackson LAST YEAR after 30 years of service, will get his revenge with the book “Michael Jackson: The Man Behind the Mask”, set to hit bookstores by the end of THIS MONTH . . . And what did Paris Hilton do to deserve the gift of a $250,000 Ferrari 360 Modena Spyder from a group of LA nightclub owners? She regularly shows up at their clubs – that’s it (ah, the accoutrements of fame!).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Britney Spears – She & hubby Kevin Federline have sold a 6-part reality series to UPN, which will air during MAY. Mostly it’s video they’ve shot of themselves while dating & getting married.
• Christina Aguilera – LAST NIGHT her flesh-baring ads for Skechers shoes were given the ‘Bad Award’ at the annual “Good, Bad & Ugly Awards” from the group Advertising Women of New York, which promotes women in the advertising industry.
• David Usher – TONIGHT he kicks off a cross-Canada tour in Victoria BC in support of his “If God Had Curves” album due APRIL 26th.
• The Eagles – They’re the ‘All-Time Greatest American Rock Band’, according to a readers’ poll conducted by the “Florida Times-Union” which set up bracket match-ups of 64 bands along the lines of the NCAA Basketball Tournament. CCR was runner-up.
• Elton John – He donated in excess of $42 million (12% of his entire fortune) to charitable causes LAST YEAR. That makes him the most generous donor in the music biz, according to the “Times of London”.
• Fantasia Barrino – TONIGHT she makes her first appearance on “American Idol” since winning the title LAST MAY. She’ll sing her latest single, “Baby Mama”.
• Gavin DeGraw – TODAY he’s on “Live With Regis & Kelly”.
• Jesse McCartney – TONIGHT he does “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” on CBS-TV.

BS BUZZWORDS:
New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Prostitot’ – A child who dresses like a hooker. (“Did you see that woman taking her kids into the BeBe store? No wonder they’re such prostitots!”)
• ‘Prostitante’ – A young celeb (debutante) who dresses like a hooker. (For more info, see Paris Hilton.)
• ‘Wrap Rage’ – Extreme anger caused by product packaging that is difficult to open or manipulate.

CHOKING ON CAT FUR:
Up until now it’s been thought that most air pollutants – known as ‘aerosols’ – were made up of mineral dust, clay and sea salt. But now, after intensive study of air samples, researcher Ruprecht Jaenicke of the Institute for Atmospheric Physics at Germany’s Mainz University has discovered that 25% to 40% of air particles are actually made up of biological materials. Those materials can include bacteria, plant fragments, spores, fungi, and animal fur, plus – human dandruff and skin! (And as if that isn’t gross enough, keep in mind it’s already been inhaled and exhaled by thousands of bodies.)
– “Science”

MIND READER:
A paralyzed man has become the first to benefit from a brain chip that reads the mind. 25-year-old Matthew Nagle was left paralyzed from the neck down after a knife attack in 2001, but after pioneering surgery at the New England Sinai Hospital in Stoughton MA, he can now control everyday objects by thought alone. The imbedded ‘BrainGate’ chip reads his mind and sends the thoughts to a computer for deciphering. Among the functions he can ‘think’ into motion are turning his TV on and off, changing channels and altering volume. (Wow, you know what this means? Someday we’ll be able to open the garage door without having to push a button!)
– BBC World News

HOLEY NOSE:
22-year-old Dallas TX artist James Sooy has solved the problem of eyeglasses sliding down his nose by – having them permanently pierced through! He and a friend designed the piercing, which features magnets so he can take the lenses off to bathe and sleep. He’s planning to patent the invention and get them on the market by JUNE. Elayne Angel, medical co-ordinator for the Association of Professional Piercers, says the idea is eye-catching … but impractical. (‘Eye-catching’ … a bit of an understatement for someone with 4 nostrils, isn’t it?)
– Ananova

ONE SMALL STEP FOR … LABRADOR:
With NASA planning for a return mission to the Moon, training efforts may be aided by – rocks from Labrador. It seems the lunar landscape is mostly composed of anorthosite, a type of rock that is rare on Earth but plentiful in northern Labrador. That’s why the University of New Brunswick’s Planetary & Space Science Centre (PASS) is asking the Labrador Inuit Development Commission to send samples of the stuff, quarried from Ten Mile Bay. The Centre’s director, John Spray, says the idea is to try and replicate the lunar surface so that scientists can practice with it prior to actually going to the Moon. (Why not try the moonscape of Dog River, Saskatchewan?)
PHONER: 506.453.3550 (JG Spray, UNB, Fredericton NB)
– CBC News

TURN DOWN THE STATIC:
A new study by University of Maryland researchers reveals that noise levels in daycare centers and homes can interfere with the language development of infants younger than 13 months. The study suggests that during their first year, infants have difficulty differentiating between voices in even mildly noisy rooms. As a result, conversation directed at them may simply go unrecognized. (But it takes a teen to really perfect this.)
– “Developmental Psychology”

LEAST-LIKELY LEMONS:
The annual “Used Car Best Bet Awards” are based on reliability, safety and availability. This year’s eligibility is limited to used cars from 1997 to 2002.
Economy Car: 1997-2002 Honda Civic
Midsize Car: 1997-2002 Toyota Camry
Large Car: 1997-2002 Ford Crown Victoria / Mercury Grand Marquis
Luxury Car: 1997-2002 Lexus ES 300
Sporty Car: 1997-2002 Mazda Miata
Mini-SUV: 1997-2002 Honda CR-V
SUV: 1999-2002 Nissan Pathfinder
Minivan: 1999-2002 Honda Odyssey
Large Pickup: 1997-2002 Ford F-150
Small Pickup: 1997-2002 Ford Ranger / Mazda B-Series
– “Used Car Best Bets”

FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
A snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 88% of kids who pledge virginity until marriage end up having sex well beforehand.
• 63% of women say that men who are handymen make better lovers.
• 62% of husbands claim they perform half of all household duties. Only 38% of wives agree.
• 33% of house-hunters say the biggest turn-off a potential home can have is the smell of cigarettes.
• 33% of parents are now sending their kids to school with anti-bacterial gel or wipes.
• 15% of us experience a hangover at least once per month.

BS AMAZING FACT:
According to Scientists at the University of Vienna, people born in APRIL grow taller than people born in OCTOBER. (Must be the fertilizer?)

AND WE QUOTE:
“I think Canadian girls, they’re just a little bit more creative in bed. I’m sorry, it’s true.”
– Canadian-born Pamela Anderson waxing patriotic on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”.

THE BULL SHEET 04.06.2K5

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1937 [68] Merle Haggard, Bakersfield CA, country legend with 38 #1 hits (“Okie from Muskogee”, “If We Make It Through December”)

1942 [63] Barry Levinson, Baltimore MD, movie producer/director (Academy Award-“Rain Man”, “Diner”)

1973 [32] Markku Lappalainen, rock bassist (Hoobastank-“The Reason”)

1975 [30] Zach Braff, South Orange NJ, TV actor (‘Dr John Dorian’ on “Scrubs” since 2001)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the Scottish independence holiday known as “Tartan Day”, a day for celebration of Scottish roots and traditionally the beginning of Scotland’s tourist season.
NET: http://www.tartanday.com

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1886 [119] City of Vancouver is incorporated

1896 [109] 1st modern ‘Olympic Games’ begin in Athens (James Connolly of Boston wins 1st event – the hop, skip & jump)

1938 [67] ‘Teflon’ coating accidentally invented by Du Pont researcher Roy Plunkett (how do they get it to stick to the pans?)

1973 [32] 1st ‘Designated Hitter’ in Major League Baseball, NY Yankee Ron Blomberg

1980 [25] 1st ‘Post-It Notes’ (3M)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] The Masters begins (Augusta GA)
[Thurs] Hug Your Newsman Day
[Thurs] No Housework Day
[Thurs] World Health Day
[Fri] Pope John Paul II’s funeral
[Sat] Prince Charles weds Camilla Parker Bowles (Windsor UK)
[Sat] “Canadian Idol” auditions (Sydney NS)
[Sun] Golfers Day
This Week Is . . . Golden Rule Week / Laugh at Work Week
This Month Is . . . Knuckles Down Month (celebrating the grand old game of marbles)

BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Do clowns wear really big socks?
• After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
• What happens if you get scared half-to-death … twice?
• Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a speed of smell?
• If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
• Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed?

BS WEB GOODIES:
• Have you ever sat around the house thinking that you could really use a German? Well now that dream can become a reality with ‘Rent-A-German’!
NET: http://www.rentagerman.de
• Hard to believe anyone would fall for this scam but a Website is offering to beam your phone calls out into space for $3.99 per minute, all the while admitting that your message may never actually be heard by anyone. They’ll also send your emails, digital photos and videos into space …. for a fee of course.
NET: http://www.talktoaliens.com

BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
• What did Nintendo manufacture before it became one of the world’s largest producers of video games and consoles?
a. VCRs.
b. Playing cards. [CORRECT]
c. Short, mustachioed Italian siblings.

• Which pastime was banned in NYC until 1976?
a. Pinball. [CORRECT]
b. Jai Alai.
c. Public urination.

• If a prescription bottle bears the mark ‘HS’ or ‘Hora Somni’, when is the medication supposed to be taken?
a. Right before bed. [CORRECT]
b. First thing in the morning.
c. Depends if you are you Billy Joel. (Or Pat O’Brien. Or Whitney Houston.)

BS ‘FIND THE FAKES’:
You run down the list while a caller or studio guest attempts to decide which are actual recent articles from women’s magazines and which are total fakes …
• “The 10-Second Trick That Gets Any Woman There!” [“Cosmopolitan”]
• “Plaid is the New Black!” [FAKE]
• “10 Ways to Crush on Your Guy Again”  [“Redbook”]
• “How Much Fun Are You?” [“Cosmopolitan”]
• “7 Things to Whisper in His Ear That Will Make Him Your Slave!” [FAKE]
• “What is Your Cleaning Style?” [“Woman’s Day”]
• “Bra 911!” [“Glamour”]
• “The Amazing People Skill Most Women Aren’t Taught” [“Cosmopolitan”]
• “The Commuter Workout: 18 Exercises to Do While Driving!” [FAKE]
• “How to Flex Your Flirting Muscle!” [“Ladies’ Home Journal”]
• “The 5 Things Every Woman Should Have in Her Closet” [“Chatelaine”]
• “Get Your Sexercise!” [“Redbook”]

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Experts say THIS is the most common error on a tax return.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Incorrect Social Insurance Number.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.