Monday, April 12, 2004 Edition: #2765
The Sheet Hits the Fans!
TACKY TABLOID BS:
• According to “Daily Dish”, “Simple Life” star Nicole Richie plans to wed “American Idol” runner-up Justin Guarini on JUNE 12th. They’ve reportedly set up a registry at various stores. (Couldn’t possibly be a promo stunt to hype “Simple Life 2″ … could it?)
• “Us Weekly” says Marilyn Manson has gone the traditional route and popped the question to his gal-pal, burlesque artist Dita Von Teese. A wedding is expected sometime THIS YEAR. (Gee, wonder who’ll wear what?)
• Supermarket tabloid “Star” reports that 40-year-old John Stamos (“Full House”) & 31-year-old Rebecca Romijn-Stamos (“X-Men”) have called it quits after 5 years of marriage because he wants kids and she doesn’t. They first met in 1994 at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show.
• Hollywood sleazeball Richard Salomon, the guy who appeared with Paris Hilton in that infamous sex video, has dropped his $10-million slander lawsuit against her and her parents. No reason was given, reports online gossip site “Ananova”. (Maybe he finally figured out they could out-spend him on lawyers about a billion times over.)
• Actress Sandra Bullock reportedly paid for a memorial service honoring the late owner of a West Hollywood gym called ‘Workout Warehouse’. And now, “In Touch Weekly” says, she’s in talks to buy the gym. (Answering the question, “What’s even more prestigious than a personal trainer?”)
• “Star” confirms Hollywood couple Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher have become devotees of the mystical Judaism sect Kabbalah. And now, the tab claims, they’re planning a Kabbalah wedding in JUNE. (If I had a dime for every report of these two getting married …)
• UK tabloid “News of the World”, the rag that first exposed soccer superstar David Beckham’s supposed extramarital affair right under his ex-Spice Girl wife Victoria’s nose, now claims it has unearthed a second mistress – Malaysian-born beauty Sarah Marbeck. (We smell a juicy, big-money divorce trial coming right up!)
• “Hot Stuff” reports actress Brittany Murphy (“8 Mile”) recently recorded a duet with legendary singer-songwriter Carly Simon for the soundtrack of her upcoming movie “Little Black Book”. The tune will be released as a single and – yes – Brittany wants to branch out into music and record her own album. (Actors wanting to be singers, singers wanting to be actors … isn’t anybody happy these days?)
• Britain’s “Star” magazine says Hollywood super-couple Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas are trying for a 3rd child together. In a bid to improve her 59-year-old husband’s chances of success, 34-year-old Catherine has reportedly been feeding him a diet of – liver and avocados. (Urgh … maybe she’s just trying to kill him!)
• “National Enquirer” is reporting that 39-year-old “Friends” actress Courtney Cox has lost one of her unborn twins. She & hubby David Arquette have suffered through a string of miscarriages and are now hoping the surviving baby arrives safely in JULY.
• And because it’s truly important that we know, “Us Weekly” tells us actress Angelina Jolie was spotted browsing West Hollywood’s ‘Pleasure Chest’ sex shop, where she asked about a leather harness with spikes and a leather whip. (What, no rubber Gum boots?)
“WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
• “Medical Industry Holding Back Cures for Major Diseases Because It’s Good for Business!”
• “NASA Probe Picks up New Message from God!”
• “Toaster From Hell Burns Devil’s Face Into Bread!”
• “New Law Demands Cars with Top Speed of 45 MPH!”
• “Bush Pledges Free Swimming Pool in Every Yard!”
• “Drunk Pilots Start Their Own Airline!”
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Enrique Iglesias – THIS WEEK he’s performing his first-ever concerts in India, making stops in Bombay and Bangalore.
• Avril Lavigne – Police arrested a Seattle man for allegedly stalking her by sending harassing letters and e-mail. He’s posted $5,000 bail and been released.
• Beyoncé – PETA has resorted to placing a full-page ad in “Billboard” magazine asking her to stop wearing fur because, they say, she’s ignored their pleas for 2 years.
LEVY ON LAUNDRY:
Sick sick sick! The metropolitan government of Tokyo, Japan has finally outlawed the sale of – soiled underwear from teenage girls. The city’s sex shops have been doing a flourishing trade in used panties for more than a decade, thanks to the willingness of teen girls to sell their tightie whities. Shops caught peddling dirty lingerie can now be fined up to 500,000 yen ($4,700) and customers who attempt to buy it face fines up to 300,000 yen ($2,800). (Anybody interested in the complete contents of my gym bag?)
– “Sunday Times”
SURVIVOR: MARRIAGE
Hot tips for a happier, longer-lasting marriage from the University of Denver’s Center for Marital & Family Studies …
• Approach marriage as you would a long-term financial investment. Marriages that thrive are those where partners continue to make deposits.
• Develop with your partner a mutual sense of the future. Take the idea of forever as a given, not an option.
• Make your marriage a priority.
• Both partners sacrifice in little ways. Do it cheerfully without keeping score.
• Find time to talk regularly as friends. Think of your time together as simply hanging out, rather than managing life.
– “Denver Post”
CENSORSHIP STRIKES AGAIN:
Victoria’s Secret is dropping its network televised fashion show THIS YEAR, at least partly due to criticism following Janet Jackson’s ‘Nipplegate’ scandal at the Super Bowl. A spokesman confirms the decision was made after the FCC applied heat on radio and TV to clean up their acts. The company will now look at new ways to promote its brand. (Suggestions anyone? Door-to-door modeling? Free samples? Rent-to-own?)
– CNN International
BIRTHING HOUR:
New research shows that early afternoon (1-2 pm) has become the most common time for childbirth. Autumn is now the most common season. (This is a real change – have you ever heard of anyone that wasn’t born in the middle of the night?)
– Web MD
YAO MING WAS HERE:
A giant fossilized human footprint has been discovered in a jungle area between Thailand and Cambodia which measures 1.6 m (over 5 ft) from heel to toe, and 86 cm (almost 3 ft) across. That would indicate that it came from some sort of being more than 10 m (32 ft) tall! (If it’s true what they say about the size of a man’s feet, that would mean … oh my god!!!!)
– “Far Eastern Economic Review”
THE BULL SHEET 04.12.2K4
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [60] John Kay (Joachim Krauledat), Tilsit, Germany (raised Toronto), classic rock singer (Steppenwolf-“Born to be Wild”, “Magic Carpet Ride”) FACTOID: He’ll be among those enshrined on “Canada’s Walk of Fame” JUNE 23rd.
1947 [57] David Letterman, Indianapolis IN, TV host (“Late Show with David Letterman” since
1993, “Late Night with David Letterman” 1982-1993)/TV producer (his Worldwide Pants TV production company also produces “Everybody Loves Raymond” and “The Late, Late Show With Craig Kilborn”)
1947 [57] Tom Clancy, Baltimore MD, top-selling author (“Sum of All Fears”, “Clear & Present Danger”) who’s reportedly worth circa $200 million/co-owner of Baltimore Orioles MLB team
1956 [48] Andy Garcia (Andrés Arturo García Menéndez), Havana CUB, movie actor (“Ocean’s Eleven”, “The Untouchables”) COMING UP: The sequel “Ocean’s Twelve”.
1957 [47] Vince Gill, Norman OK, country star (“In These Last Few Days”, Grammy Awards–“When Love Finds You”, “I Still Believe in You”, “When I Call Your Name”)/Mr Amy Grant since 2000
1978 [26] Guy Berryman, Kirkcaldy, Scotland, rock bassist (Coldplay-“The Scientist”, “Clocks”)
1979 [25] Claire Danes, NYC, movie actress (“The Hours”, “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Teens Against Zits Day”. (Hmm, does this mean that somewhere there are teens who are FOR them?)
TODAY is “Look Up At The Sky Day”. Why? Because ‘clouds and cloudscapes are the greatest free show on Earth’.
TODAY is “Vote Lawyers Out of Office Day”, a day of commitment to never vote for a lawyer in any kind of election for anything. (Seems someone somewhere is bitter bitter bitter!)
TODAY is “Thank You, School Librarian Day”, a day for students to express gratitude to the person they’ve grown to know and love through ten-thousand detentions.
THIS WEEK is “National Folding Road Maps Week”, a week dedicated to perfecting skills at folding all the maps we read. Motto for the week – ‘Happiness is knowing how to fold a road map.’ (Wow, it’s that simple?)
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1992 [12] ‘Euro Disney’ opens in Marne-la-Vallee FRA (now called Disneyland Paris)
1994 [10] Exotic dancer Chesty Love legally claims surgical breast implants as a ‘business expense’
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1999 [05] Shania Twain becomes only female artist to sell 10 million units of back-to-back album releases
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1877 [127] ‘Catcher’s mask’ 1st used in a baseball game (James Alexander Tyng-Lynn MA)
1967 [37] “O Canada” officially becomes national anthem (bet you don’t know all the words)
1980 [24] Terry Fox begins “Marathon of Hope” in St John’s NL (forced to stop at Thunder Bay ON)
1985 [19] US Senator Jake Garn becomes 1st politician in space (and they brought him back?)
1988 [16] 1st ‘animal life form’ to be patented as Harvard U registers a ‘genetically engineered mouse’
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1996 [08] ‘Petronas Towers’ in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia declared ‘world’s tallest building’ at 452 m [1,483 ft] FACTOID: As of LAST FALL, the 508-meter [1,667-ft] ‘Taipei 101′ in Taiwan took over the title, but by 2007 Shanghai China’s ‘World Financial Center’ will become tallest.
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Scrabble Day
[Thurs] “The Apprentice” season finalé
[Thurs] IRS Tax Day
[Fri] “Kill Bill: Vol. 2″ and “Connie & Carla” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Stress Awareness Day
[Sat] Canadian Equality Day
[Sat] International Ford Mustang Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Garden Week (most often celebrated by the neighbor’s dog)
Medical Laboratory Week (to celebrate, fill a paper cup)
Be Kind to Animals Week (by keeping them out of medical laboratories?)
Harmony Week (everybody now, “Hmmmmmmmm”)
Bake Week
Library Week
Building Safety Week
Guitar Week
Home Safety Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN WATCHING WAAAAY TOO MUCH HOCKEY:
• Your idea of serving breakfast is giving each of your kids a fork and dropping an Eggo in the middle of the table.
• When you come an intersection and the light turns red, you start cheering.
• Everything in your house has been fixed with hockey tape.
• You now punish your kids with ‘minors’,’majors’ and ‘misconducts’.
• You totally annihilate your chess opponent when he says ‘Check’.
• Every time you hear a siren you wonder who scored.
• Your new baby daughter is named ‘Darcy’.
WEIRD BUT TRUE TAX WRITE-OFF ATTEMPTS:
• A salesman tried to claim a $250 write-off for the cost of shortening his trousers, saying it was to avoid being zapped by static electric charges from the carpeting in his office.
• A supermarket bag packer who tried to knock $5,000 off his taxes for “job-related self-education.”
• An admin assistant tried to write off the cost of hair dye because her “boss liked her better as a blonde.”
• One anxious taxpayer tried to claim the cost of a stress management class, reasoning that he was disturbed by having to drive past an IRS tax office each day.
BS PHONE STARTER:
“What have you done that really embarrassed your kids?” (According to the book “How Not to Embarrass Your Kids”, you should never – reminisce about your younger days, never wear a bikini or a thong, never tell your life story to a restaurant waiter, and never pretend to like things the kids like in order to try to be ‘cool’.)
BS BLATANT JOKE:
I asked [co-host] if he remembered her first love. She said, “Like it was yesterday.” Actually, it was yesterday – it’s chocolate.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: This was voted the 2nd-most-stressful situation encountered in an on-going relationship.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Hanging wallpaper. (Hanging lights on a Christmas tree was voted #1, teaching your mate to drive was 3rd.)
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The hardest thing to give is … in.
SALUT!
“BS” welcomes new subscriber Ed Pitts @ WWRQ Valdosta GA, and samplers this week that include Wiktor Dabkowski @ PLUS Plock, Poland; JJ O’Brien @ KLKL Shreveport LA; Glen Greenwood @ WNLD Southfield MI; Cameron Gray @ WJFK Fairfax VA; Wanda Kirkland @ WALV Cleveland TN; Merle Haggart @ CFSF Sturgeon Falls ON; Geoff Kuper @ POWER-FM Honiara, Guadalcanal; and Mike Duffy @ CTV News, Ottawa ON. Remember, we’ll bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each & every new “BS” subscriber you refer!