Monday, April 7, 2003 Edition: #2513
Wow, That Was a Short Weekend!
BS WAYS TO GET BACK THE HOUR YOU LOST TO DST:
• Floss only every other tooth – save 1.5 minutes.
• Read the newspaper while riding your exercise bike – 28 minutes.
• Skip talking to the plants – 5 minutes.
• Towel-dry your hair – 10 minutes.
• Give one less hug today – 15 seconds.
• Don’t take or make phone calls – 10 minutes.
• Pet the dog or cat while sipping morning coffee – 2 minutes.
• Skip personal leisure time – 15 seconds.
DAYLIGHT SAVING CAN BE DANGEROUS:
Sleep researchers say the 1-hour time change causes a twice-yearly disruption in our ‘natural circadian rhythms’. The weekend switch to Daylight Saving Time also led to ‘sleep deprivation’ for many. Even though it’s only a one-hour change, it’s proven to cause a temporary drop in adult alertness, and behavior problems in children. Studies in both the US and Canada show that traffic accidents increase by about 7% on the Monday afterward. And, as any kindergarten teacher will tell you, young children are typically totally wired for a couple of days after the change. Saving time went into effect in most of Canada, except for Saskatchewan, several communities in northwestern Ontario, and a few pockets of BC where standard time is kept year-round.
BS TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• “E! Online” notes that Russell Crowe was allowed to keep the $240,000-chapel he had built for his wedding TODAY even though he didn’t get a building permit. He failed, however, to secure a ‘no-fly zone’ over his Australian ranch, so we’re likely to see oodles of aerial photos of his vows with longtime girlfriend Danielle Spencer in the $100,000 Armani gown created especially for her. Only 80 close friends and family are expected for the sunset ceremony, with “Gladiator” director Ridley Scott the only confirmed celebrity. Brit tabloid “Sun” says the event will be a 3-day extravaganza of ‘food, wine, music and literature’, according to the invitations. Highlights include lavish banquets, poetry readings and a cricket match starring his cousins. “NY Post” reveals that Russ purchased $80,000 worth of Giorgio Armani suits for his 10 groomsmen, plus a $25,000 Harley-Davidson motorcycle for each! (He’s turning 39. See ‘TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS’)
• Rosie O’Donnell is demanding that “National Enquirer” retract a story that claimed she and live-in partner Kelli Carpenter were close to breaking up. In fact, Kelli recently changed her name to O’Donnell to further cement their commitment as a couple. Rosie is considering a lawsuit, her lawyer says.
• Paul McCartney tells Britain’s “Daily Mirror” that he wants to let people know that the songs he sings today are his own. That, he claims, is the sole reason he’s reversed traditional Beatles songwriting credits from ‘Lennon-McCartney’ to ‘McCartney-Lennon’. (Translated: God, I hate Yoko!)
• Out-of-work actor Sylvester Stallone is reportedly out to set the literary world on fire. “PeopleNews” reports that he’s busy writing an ‘action novel’, since his movie acting services aren’t exactly in hot demand. So far, no title, no plot – and no publisher. (Friends insist he’s as good a writer as he is an actor. Is that an insult?)
• Who woulda thunk Mariah Carey was the shy retiring type where men are concerned? According to ”Star” magazine, she claims she’s no maneater and can count on ‘less than one hand’ the number of men she’s slept with (start with the middle finger, hon’). Meantime, the celeb Website popbitch.com claims Mariah has a full-time ‘positioner’ on staff whose only job is to get her into the correct position whenever a camera is pointed at her. And that position is: one leg straight, the other bent, one arm over the back of a chair, and – most importantly – headlights pointing directly at the camera!
• Here’s this week’s ‘breaking news’, according to “Weekly World News” – “Flying Car Will Cure Gridlock Forever!”, “Debtors’ Prisons Are Coming Back!”, “France Ranked #1 in Sexiest Nation Survey … They Screw Everyone!”, “North Korea Plans to Invade America!”, and “Amazing Discovery: Meat Trees!”.
GOOD HEAD:
In a new survey for the Sally Beauty Co, Halle Berry has been picked as having Hollywood’s best hair, beating out Nicole Kidman & Reese Witherspoon. On the male side, Denzel Washington is tops, followed by Antonio Banderas & Freddie Prinze Jr. Also according to the poll, the ‘most outrageous hairdos’ in show biz belong to Kelly Osbourne & Carrot Top.
YOU SMELL SKINNY:
A floral-spice perfume can make men think women are 12 lbs lighter, according to a 10-year study conducted by the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation. After testing more than 100 different combinations, the floral-spice perfume was the only one found to work on men. But researchers could not find an odor that influenced a woman’s ability to estimate weight. Dr Alan Hirsch, the study’s lead researcher, says: “Either women are too adroit at guessing other people’s weight or men are just easily influenced by how a woman smells.”
BED CLOTHES FOR GUYS:
What do guys wear to bed? A Bruskin/Goldring Research poll finds that 31% of men wear underwear at bedtime. About 25% go to bed in the buff, 16% still wear pajamas, 10% sleep in T-shirts, and 7% like to snooze in sweat pants.
THE SECRET OF MARRIAGE:
University of Washington researchers studied 130 newlyweds for 6 years and concluded that couples which stay together in stable marriages invariably have one thing in common – the husband is willing to acquiesce completely to his wife.
BS AMAZING FACT:
A single ostrich egg will serve 24 people for breakfast!
THE BULL SHEET 04.07.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1920 [83] Ravi Shankar, Varanasi IND, sitar player/|India’s most recognized musician/birth-father of multiple-Grammy Award winning singer Nora Jones
1939 [64] Francis Ford Coppola, Detroit MI, film director (Oscars-“The Godfather I & II”, “Apocalypse Now”) UP NEXT: Now at work on long-planned sci-fi drama “Megalopolis”, which has been in development for 15 years.
1949 [54] John Oates, NYC, pop/rock singer (Hall & Oates-“Kiss On My List”, “Maneater”) in what’s arguably the most successful duo of all-time/now attempting comeback (“Forever for You”, “Do It For Love”)
1954 [49] Jackie Chan, Hong Kong CHI, movie actor/producer/director/stunt man (“Shanghai Nights”, “Rush Hour 1 & 2″ [and ”Rush Hour 3″ in 2004]) UPCOMING: Plays ‘Passepartout’ in the upcoming remake of “Around the World in 80 Days”, due in DECEMBER.
1964 [39] Russell Crowe, Wellington NZ, movie actor with 3 Academy Award nominations in-a-row 1999-2001 (“A Beautiful Mind”, “Gladiator” [won ‘Best Actor’], “The Insider”) NEXT FILM: Plays a ship captain during the Napoleonic Wars in “Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World”, opening NOVEMBER 14.
1971 [32] Victor Kraatz, Berlin GER, 10-time Canadian ice dance champ with partner Shae-Lynn Bourne (Gold Medal-2003 World Championships)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Hug Your Newsman Day”. (Tomorrow is ‘Face Assault Charges Day’.)
TODAY is “No Housework Day”. No dishes, no cleaning, no taking out trash – and no guilt!
TODAY is “World Health Day”, the World Health Organization’s annual day to highlight public health issues of worldwide concern.
BS SIGNS YOUR HEALTH ISN’T THE BEST:
• You get winded giving a fellow commuter the finger.
• Whenever you walk around in new corduroys, co-workers yell out “Hey, keep it down!”
• You have to ask for help to cross your legs.
• When you stop exercising, parts of you keep moving.
• Packs of dogs are attracted by your high-pitched wheeze.
TODAY is the Scottish independence holiday known as “Tartan Day”, traditionally the beginning of Scotland’s tourist season. (“Hoot, mon!”)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1998 [05] George Michael is arrested for committing lewd act in restroom at LA’s Will Rogers Park (like Rogers, he never met a man he didn’t like)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1795 [208] ‘Metric System’ 1st adopted, in France where it was developed (only 3 countries in the world are NOT using it now – Liberia, Burma, and the USA)
1827 [176] 1st ‘friction match’, invented by English chemist John Walker
1959 [44] 1st ‘atomic-generated electricity’ (Los Alamos NM)
1977 [26] Toronto Blue Jays’ 1st Major League Baseball regular season game (beat Chicago White Sox 9-5)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1993 [10] Ottawa Senators set NHL futility record of 38 straight road losses (but look at ‘em now!)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Name Yourself Day
[Thurs] Siblings Day
[Thurs] Golfers Day
[Sat] Soap Opera Digest Awards
[Sat] 16th Kids Choice Awards
[Sun] Scrabble Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Be Kind to Animals Week
National Library Week
Building Safety Week
Garden Week
National Guitar Week
Home Safety Week
Medical Laboratory Week
Week of the Ocean
Women’s Nutrition Week
Pan American Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Does Shania Twain use the ‘jaws of life’ to get into those pants?
• Is there anything wrong with rhetorical questions?
• How come everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 k’s slower than the speed limit whenever there’s a cop car in sight?
• Why does it take movie and TV detectives 3 minutes to trace a phone number yet caller ID comes up with it right away?
• How come the only time your windshield wiper will work properly is when it’s holding a parking ticket?
• When a sign says ‘wet paint’ why do we have to touch it to see if it really is? And isn’t all
fresh paint wet? Why doesn’t the sign simply say ‘paint’?
THE NOONER CONTEST:
THIS WEEK travel Website Orbitz.com begins a promotion with radio stations in the USA’s top 10 markets that will offer ‘nooner’ hotel packages to 10 couples. Contestants call or e-mail the station explaining why they deserve a little ‘afternoon delight’. Winners get a hotel room complete with champagne & snacks, plus a door sign that says, ‘Do Not Disturb. Orbitz Nooner In Progress’. If it’s not happening in your market, nothing wrong with stealing a good idea!
BS INTERVIEW:
Why not call Baghdad and see how things are going? Baghdad, Australia, that is. Baghdad is a small rural community of 650 residents on the Australian island state of Tasmania. Apparently a lot of people are mistaking it for the Iraqi capital. Hits on the town’s Website have reached 15,000 a day! If you’re looking for someone to call, the site lists local businesses and organizations – including the shooting club.
NET: http://www.tco.asn.au/oac/home.cgi?oacID=54 (Bagdad Online Access Centre)
BS BLATANT JOKE:
Imagine how Saddam Hussein’s doubles would feel if he got one of his legs blown off. They’d be hopping mad!
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Besides death and taxes, stats show that every single one of us (100%) will eventually have THIS happen to us.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: We’ll be contacted by a pollster.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
WELCOME NEW BS-ERS!
This week we welcome samplers that include Lowell Takles @ WMGR Bainbridge GA, Craig Huth @ HITZ-FM Bundaberg, Australia, Cherie Whiteley @ WJNG Brookville PA, Sommer Frisk @ KBBY Ventura CA, Jonathan Vaughn @ WULF Elizabethtown KY, and Margie Olivarez @ MAGIC 93.7 Lubbock TX. Remember, we bonus you ONE FREE MONTH of service for each and every new “Bull Sheet” subscriber you refer!
