The Sheet Hits the Fans!
WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• Today philandering golfer Tiger Woods is scheduled to face the media in a pre-tournament press conference for The Masters golf championship in Augusta, Georgia. Play gets underway later in the week, on Thursday. One website claims his wife Elin is furious about his return to the golf world, and ‘stormed out’ on him last Wednesday to spend several nights away at a Miami tennis tournament with one of their kids. (As if they need people making up more drama!)
– RadarOnline.com
• A script for the final ‘Potter’ movie, “Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows”, has been found abandoned in an English pub after the film’s crew left it behind on a boozy night out. The script, stamped ‘Private & Confidential’, was handed to “The Sun” newspaper which – perhaps surprisingly – then returned it to Warner Bros studios. (Photocopiers work fast these days.)
– TheSun.co.uk
• 27-year-old actress Anna Paquin, who’s engaged to marry her “True Blood” (HBO) co-star Stephen Moyer, has reportedly come out as a bisexual in a PSA taped for Cyndi Lauper’s ‘Give a Damn’ campaign. In the clip, Paquin is said to declare, “I’m Anna Paquin, I’m bisexual, and I give a damn.” (As of Sunday, the clip is either not yet posted or has been taken down.)
NET: http://www.wegiveadamn.org
– UsMagazine.com
• On last night’s edition of “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” (ABC), 28-year-old actress Jessica Alba said she was inspired by the large family on the show and revealed that she also plans to adopt one or more children. She and husband Cash Warren already have one child together, daughter Honor who’s almost two. (Her heart’s in the right place, but Cash would likely rather make one the old fashioned way.)
– ContactMusic.com
• A TMZ report claims a moving van arrived at actress Sandra Bullock’s Hollywood Hills home on Friday evening and stayed for an hour while workers loaded up a couch, a love seat, and a large number of boxes. Bullock’s husband Jesse James is currently in an Arizona rehab center receiving treatment. (We’re guessing his belongings are now located … at the dump.)
– TMZ.com
• And after a 2-week hiatus from the public eye, Jesse James’ snitch Michelle McGee has returned to work … stripping. Charging $100 a lap-dance, she was the hot commodity at Pure Platinum in San Diego CA, where she usually dances as ‘Avery’ … the name of her 5-year-old son. But for her return to the pole she chose to cash in on her notoriety, going by her now infamous nickname ‘Bombshell’. (Definition of class: Using your kid’s name as your stripper name.)
– PWSpoilers.com
TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “CMT Music Awards” (CMT) – The first round of nominations are announced this morning at 11 am EDT, then fan voting begins immediately. The 9th annual awards are June 9th in Nashville.
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/A Channel) – The 10 remaining celebs go toe-to-toe.
• “Ellen DeGeneres” (syndicated/A Channel) – Nick Jonas & The Administration (“Who I Am”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – She & Him (“Volume 2”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Arctic Monkeys (“Humbug”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Peter Wolf (“Midnight Souvenirs”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – The Swell Season (“Strict Joy”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – David Gray (“Draw the Line”).
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Devo – The quirky 1980s rockers from Akron OH have donated band artifacts, including a red flower-pot hat from the hit video “Whip It”, to the Ohio Historical Society. (This is history?)
• Erykah Badu – She’s facing a disorderly conduct charge for her nude “Window Seat” music videoshoot in downtown Dallas’ Dealey Plaza. The misdemeanor carries a fine of up to $500.
• Lady Gaga – She says on her fansite she was so inspired during a stay in The Beatles’ hometown of Liverpool she wrote the ‘greatest music’ of her career, including the first single for her next album, which she promises is ‘the anthem for our generation’. (Humble, huh?)
• Oasis – A new best-of compilation entitled “Time Flies” that collects all 36 of their singles is due in June. The deluxe edition will include all their videos as well as one of their final shows in 2009.
• Sugarland – Their new album, tentatively titled “The Incredible Machine”, looks set for a Fall release. Jennifer Nettles says it will be ‘lean and clean’ with different choices of instrumentation.
LAUGHTER DECONSTRUCTED:
Baltimore, Maryland neuro-scientist Robert Provine says people laugh ‘ha-ha-ha’ basically the same way in all languages. Whether you speak Mandarin, French, or English, everyone will understand your laughter. Why? There’s a pattern generator in our brains that produces this sound. Each ‘ha’ is about 1-15th of a second, repeated every 5th of a second. Laugh faster or slower than that and it sounds more like panting or something else. Provine notes that deaf people laugh without hearing and people on cellphones laugh without seeing, illustrating that laughter isn’t dependent on a single sense but on social interactions. (Wow, you’re multilingual!)
– AP
NO BEER GOGGLES NEEDED:
Researchers have found that what women and men see the same way at 7 pm, men see entirely differently after 10 pm. It’s how they judge the attractiveness of the opposite gender. Studies show that as an evening wears on, a man tends to find a woman more attractive than she appeared earlier. And no, it doesn’t matter whether alcohol is imbibed or not. Women, on the other hand, will rate a guy the same both early in the evening and later on. And if she drinks, his rating actually goes down. (Clearly for guys, panic makes the plain face pretty.)
– UPI
SWORD & SANDALS SEMINARS:
Germany’s University of Regensburg is giving 20 students the chance to live and train in the style of Roman gladiators from 79 AD and stage a battle for scientific research this Summer. The student warriors will be roughing it, dining on berries and white beans as the ancient Roman doctor Galen recommended in his texts. They’ll also learn to fight wearing bronze helmets that weigh almost 5 kg (11 lbs) at a camp that won’t allow girlfriends, washing machines or – ew! – showers. (Nothing more aromatic than a Roman gladiator’s jockstrap!)
– HuffingtonPost.com
TALK RADIO, SOMALI STYLE:
Saturday a hardline Islamist group issued an ultimatum to all radio stations in Mogadishu to stop playing music or face unspecified penalties. The Hezb al-Islam group, which controls patches of the war-torn Somalia capital, says playing any kind of music on the radio is ‘evil’. The militant group claims that any station not complying with the no-music demand after a 10-day deadline will face punishment under sharia law. (“Well fortunately this isn’t Mogadishu, so here comes 10 evil tunes in-a-row on …”)
– AFP
DID YOU KNOW?
• Fish, rodents and snakes can predict earthquakes.
– “Earth News”
• The average person tells 4 lies a day.
– “Daily Express”
• The most visited exhibition in the world last year was a Buddhist exhibit at the Tokyo National Museum in Japan.
– “The Art Newspaper”
• Gossip spreads as rapidly as flu.
– “Daily Telegraph”
BS CHRONOMETER 04.05.10
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1950 [60] Agnetha Faltskog, Jonkoping, Sweden, oldies singer (ABBA-“Dancing Queen”, “Mamma Mia”)
1966 [44] Mike McCready, Pensacola FL, rock guitarist (Pearl Jam-“The Fixer”, “World Wide Suicide”)
1967 [43] Troy Gentry, Lexington KY, country singer (Montgomery Gentry-“Roll With Me”, “Back When I Knew It All”)
1972 [38] Pat Green, San Antonio TX, country singer (“Let Me”, “Wave On Wave”) BS FACTOID: This Friday he’ll record a live album at the Nutty Brown Café in Austin, Texas.
1973 [37] Pharrell Williams, Virginia Beach VA, hip-hop artist (w/Ludacris-“Money Maker”, w/Snoop Dogg-“Drop It Like It’s Hot”)/music producer (his writing & producing duo The Neptunes have manufactured hits for Gwen Stefani, Usher, Nelly, Jay-Z among others) BS FACTOID: He’s helping to launch Kidult.com, a new online news source for teens. He’ll be one of the main speakers at the ‘Kidult Youth Leadership Conference’ June 26th in NYC.
TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Deep Dish Pizza Day”, celebrating ‘Chicago deep dish pizza’ as originated by Uno Chicago Grill, which opened in 1943. Why? Because you can’t possibly get enough fat-laden cheese and sausage onto a regular pie in order to cause immediate cardiac arrest.
• “Dyngus Day”, a traditional Polish holiday designed as a day of fun on “Easter Monday” when guys chase after girls with squirt guns, buckets, and other containers of water. The more bold and gallant boys may use cologne. Tradition has it the females get revenge on Tuesday when they throw dishes or crockery back at the boys. But it’s become increasingly popular for girls to get their revenge right away, tossing water back at the boys. For obvious reasons, this wacky event is also known as “Wet Easter Monday”.
• “Easter Egg Roll”, an annual celebration held on the South Lawn of the White House in Washington DC for invited kids and their parents each “Easter Monday”. The ‘Egg Roll’ itself is a race, where children push an egg through the grass with a long-handled club. Dolly Madison, wife of President James Madison, began the event in 1814. This year, word has it Michelle Obama has invited the cast of “Glee” to perform.
NET: http://www.whitehouse.gov/EasterEggRoll/
• “Go For Broke Day”, a day to throw caution to the wind and go all out, give it all you’ve got, don’t hold back, all or nothing, start giving 110%, let ‘er rip, balls to the wall!
• “Make Your Children Laugh Day”, a simple way to enhance their happiness and your own. (It’s also a helluva lot easier than making adults laugh.)
• “Road Map Day”, the highlight of “Reading a Road Map Week”, which promotes map reading as an ‘enjoyable pastime’ and survival skill for drivers. The motto for the week is, ‘Happiness is knowing how to read a road map’. (Wow, it’s that simple? Who reads the map or GPS during your family trips?)
Also today …
• “Family Day” in South Africa.
• “Tomb Sweeping Day” in Taiwan.
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1987 [23] FOX TV network debuts, originally offering just 2 Sunday night programs: “Married … With Children” (runs 10 years) and “The Tracey Ullman Show” (the original platform for “The Simpsons”)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1985 [25] On Good Friday, more than 5,000 radio stations of all formats across the US & Canada simultaneously play “We Are the World”, the fundraising song for African famine relief recorded by 45 music acts in collaboration
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1970 [40] 1st ‘Nerf Ball’ hits the market
ALTERNATE USES FOR NERF BALLS:
• Perfect costume props if you’re dressing up as Heidi Montag.
• Take 2 for really bad indigestion.
• Shotput for weaklings.
• Brain transplant for Sarah Palin.
• Bowling ball for masochists.
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
2000 [10] ‘Loudest Burp’ on record, according to “Guinness Book of Records” (Paul Hunn lets one fly that registers 118.1 decibels, the equivalent of sitting in the front row at a rock concert)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Drowsy Driver Awareness Day
[Tues] Tartan Day
[Tues] Teflon Day
[Wed] SPCA Day
[Wed] International Beaver Day
[Wed] Metric System Day
[Wed] No Housework Day
[Wed] Paraprofessional Appreciation Day
[Wed] World Health Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Explore Your Career Options Week / Golden Rule Week / Medication Safety Week / Networking Week / Public Health Week / Week Of the Ocean / Women’s Nutrition Week / Work Zone Safety Awareness Week
BULL’S BITS
BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 17 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
BS THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR IN A TATTOO PARLOR:
• “There ARE two O’s in ‘Bob’, right?”
• “We’re all out of red, so I used pink.”
• “I hate it when I get the hiccups.”
• “Anything else you want to say? You’ve got plenty of room back here.”
• “I’ll bet you can’t tell I’ve never done this before.”
• “The flag’s all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect.”
• “Ooooooops!”
NET: http://www.FreeRadioPrep.com
BS RANDOM JOKE:
Here once again, proving that fame is fleeting but mediocrity lasts forever, it’s [co-host]!
BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
• “Titanic” was #1 at the movie box office for 15 consecutive weeks in 1997-98. Which movie finally knocked it out of top spot?
a. “Saving Private Ryan”
b. “There’s Something About Mary”
c. “Lost in Space” [CORRECT; it happened 12 years ago today.]
– IMDb.com
• You suffer from ‘drapetomania’. Do you have …
a. A compulsive urge to buy new curtains.
b. An inordinate fear of other people seeing your naked toes.
c. Insane impulses to run away from home. [CORRECT you are, Jesse James!]
– Halife.com
BS PHONE STARTER:
What’s the best way to get rid of a really bad date?
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: If you are tired, try doing THIS. It can boost your energy by 30%.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Brushing your teeth.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Observation, and not old age, brings wisdom.
