Monday, August 22, 2005        Edition: #3099
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

WEEKEND TABLOID BS:
• TODAY Oscar-winning actor Sean Penn’s long-in-the-works feature article on the Iranian elections is set to debut as a 5-part series in the “San Francisco Chronicle”.
– “USA Today”
• Courtney Love has been ordered back into a rehab facility for 28 days after admitting to using drugs LAST MONTH, resulting in her being rushed to hospital. She’ll be sentenced for the probation violation at another court hearing scheduled for SEPTEMBER 16th.
– “National Enquirer”
• Meantime, Courtney Love is reportedly pregnant via UK TV personality Steve Coogan. The baby was apparently conceived during a 2-week, drug-fueled fling with the British comedian in LA when they were both staying at the Sunset Marquis Hotel in West Hollywood.
– “News of the World”
• 43-year-old “Desperate Housewives” star Marcia Cross is engaged to her 47-year-old stockbroker boyfriend Tom Mahoney. There’s no word on a wedding date, but it will be the first marriage for both.
– “E!”
• Jennifer Aniston has reportedly hired some heavies to guard her trailer on the Chicago set of the movie “The Break Up” after someone broke in, stole her underwear … then put it up for auction on eBay!
– “Sunday Mirror”
• Are Cameron Diaz & Justin Timberlake on the rocks? They reportedly had a nasty public spat at LA’s Spider Club because of Justin’s roving eye. After Diaz burst into tears, they left in separate cars.
– “In Touch Weekly”
• What’s been hinted at for weeks is actually going to happen. “Dancing with the Stars” champ Kelly Monaco & her pro dance partner Alec Mazo will face off against runners-up John O’Hurley & Charlotte Jorgensen in a special “Dancing With the Stars: Dance-Off” set to air SEPTEMBER 20th on ABC-TV. Unlike last time when the winner was decided by a complicated formula, only viewers’ votes will count this time around.
– “Reality Blurred”
• Ray Hultman, the juror who is writing a book about the Michael Jackson trial, claims Michael has a fake nose. He writes in “The Deliberator” that Jackson wears a wig and hides the terrifying holes in his face with a prosthetic nose tip.
– femalefirst.co.uk

REAL TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Cubs Boost World Series Hopes with … Holy Water!”
• “Origin of Apathy Discovered … But Nobody Cares!”
• “Chickens Eat Farmer!”
• “Incredible New Study Proves Gals Who Go Topless Live Longer!”
• “New Undies Turn Duds into Studs!”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Bon Jovi – SATURDAY they played for 35,000 invitation-only guests at “The Big Brew-Ha” in Milwaukee, celebrating the 150th birthday of Miller Brewing Co. The Goo Goo Dolls were also on the bill.
• Diddy – Sean Combs has been picked by Martha Stewart to be the first guest on her new TV show, “Martha”, when it debuts SEPTEMBER 12th.
• Eminem – The real story on why he cancelled his European tour is he’s in hospital under doctors’ care for dependency on sleep medication. His European dates haven’t been rescheduled, but tour-mate 50 Cent will go ahead and perform in the same cities at different venues.
• Franz Ferdinand – They’ll release their 2nd album “You Could Have It So Much Better” OCTOBER 3rd, then hit the road in NOVEMBER.
• Garth Brooks – He’ll be the first artist to sell his music exclusively at Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club stores. He can do that because he wisely retained ownership to his master recordings and his contract with Capitol Records ended in JUNE.
• Gavin DeGraw – TONIGHT he’s on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Kanye West – He’s calling for an end to gay bashing in hip-hop music. What caused this sudden enlightenment? Learning that one of his cousins is gay.
• Rod Stewart – THIS WEEK he’ll face off against Harrah’s Entertainment in US federal court for cancelling a Las Vegas show. His reps claim he was battling cancer.
• Shania Twain – Her tune “Shoes” will be included on the “Desperate Housewives” soundtrack that’s coming SEPTEMBER 20th.  Other artists on the project include Martina McBride, Sara Evans, Aretha Franklin, Jewel, kd lang & Joss Stone.

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• Cattle in the Ural region of Russia are being fed marijuana that’s grown amid regular field crops. Russian drug police hope it will help them survive the bitter Siberian winter. (By making them hungrier?)
• A high-security prison in Norway has abandoned its yoga classes after staff reported the deep breathing exercises unblocked prisoners’ psychological barriers, unleashing repressed emotions and increasing agitation, aggression, and mental confusion.
• As well as college and high-school reunions, many nostalgia-mad Japanese are now attending ‘kindergarten reunions’, where adults reminisce about the good old days. (“Hey didn’t we meet in finger-painting module?”)
• A 30-year-old Australian who locked himself out of his apartment decided to climb the outside of the building in order to get in. Even after falling a few stories onto a parked car and smashing its windshield, he refused to give up. During a 2nd attempt he fell from the 3rd story and landed on his head, thereby sending himself to hospital.

LYING TO GET A JOB:
About 1 in 4 CVs is full of fiction according to a new report from the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development. The average job-seeker tells 3 lies on a résumé but some prospective employees admit to making up more than half of their career history. The study partly blames the laxity of employers for not checking employment candidates’ references.
– “Daily Telegraph”

TAKE THESE THINGS TO COLLEGE:
If this is your freshman year, you may not have a clue what you’ll need for your dorm room. Here are a few must-haves, according to the ‘experts’ …
• Mattress Pad. Why? Dorm mattresses are notoriously uncomfortable.
• Pillows & Sheets. Most dorm beds require extra long sheets, 5 inches longer than a standard twin bed.
• Surge Protector to protect your computer equipment against power surges.
• Task Lighting. You’ll need an adjustable desk lamp for reading and writing.
• Hamper. Forget laundry bags, handy new-style hampers come with wheels and carrying straps.
• Collapsible ironing board and an iron.
(And what would you add to the list?)
– Knight Ridder News

HICS HAPPEN:
Sticking your fingers in your ears may cure hiccups because it short-circuits a nerve. Apparently many of the old home remedies actually have sound scientific reasoning behind them. Here’s a few of them – gargling with water, swallowing stale bread, chewing on a vinegar-soaked sugar cube, squeezing the bridge of your nose, and pulling your tongue. (Dropping a large cinder block on your toe will also make you forget about hiccups right away, but is not recommended.)
– “Men’s Health”

ALL-TIME MOVIE SCREAM QUEENS:
Could Rachel McAdams (“Red-Eye”) or Kate Hudson (“The Skeleton Key”) bust this list?
5. Jennifer Love Hewitt
4. Anna Faris
3. Jessica Biel
2. Sarah Michelle Gellar
1. Jamie Lee Curtis

MIND READING:
What does the typical husband think about while making love to his spouse?
• His wife (56%)
• Absolutely nothing (22%)
• Another woman (8%)
• Work (7%)
– “Redbook” poll.

DID YOU KNOW?
Did you know you can’t drink carbonated drinks in space? It seems you are unable to belch the carbonation. However, flat cola can be swallowed without complications.

THE BULL SHEET 08.22.2K5

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1945 [60] Steve Kroft, Kokomo IN, CBS News correspondent (“60 Minutes” since 1989)

1960 [45] Collin Raye, De Queen AR, country singer (“I Think About You”)

1961 [44] Roland Orzabal, Portsmouth UK, classic rocker (Tears for Fears-“Everybody Wants to Rule the World”)

1963 [42] Mila Mason, Dawson Springs KY, country singer (“That’s Enough of That”)

1963 [42] Tori (Myra Ellen) Amos, Newton NC, alt-rock singer (“The Beekeeper”)

1972 [33] Paul Doucette, Pittsburgh PA, rock drummer (matchbox twenty-“Bent”)  FACTOID: He came up with the band name.

1973 [32] Howie Dorough (Dwaline), Orlando FL, pop singer (Backstreet Boys-“Just Want You to Know”)

1978 [27] Jeff (Jean Francois) Stinco, Montréal QC, rock guitarist (Simple Plan-“Untitled [How Could This Happen To Me?]”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Tooth Fairy Day”. So what’s the proper amount for the devious dental donor to leave under the pillow these days anyway?

TODAY is “Be An Angel Day”, a day to do ‘one small act of service for someone’. So if you see someone walking around yakking on a cellphone today, give ’em a slap upside the head … as a public service, of course.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
565 [1440] 1st reported sighting of ‘Loch Ness Monster’ (Saint Columba)

1989 [16] British Telecom unveils world’s 1st ‘Pocket Phones’

1851 [154] 1st ‘Hundred Guinea Cup’ won by yacht ‘America’, resulting in trophy being re-named ‘America’s Cup’

1865 [140] 1st ‘Liquid Soap’ patented (we can thank William Sheppard for those public restroom dispensers that squirt goo down your sleeves)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1958 [47] Toronto Argos’ Boyd Carter & Dave Mann combine for CFL record 131-yd punt return (did they start in the parking lot or what?)

1998 [07] Westlock, Alberta farmers set Guinness World Record by using 64 combines to harvest 63 hectares (156 acres) in just 15 minutes, 43 seconds

1951 [54] Largest-ever crowd to see a basketball game (75,052 watch Harlem Globetrotters in a free performance)

1989 [16] 1st major league pitcher to strike out 5,000 batters (Nolan Ryan-Texas Rangers)

COMING UP . . .
[Wed] Single Parent Family Day
[Thurs] Kiss & Make Up Day
[Fri] Make Your Own Luck Day
[Fri] Women’s Equality Day
[Fri-Sept 5] Montréal World Film Festival
[Fri] “The Brothers Grimm”, “The Cave” & “Undiscovered” open in movie theaters
[Sat] Petroleum Day
[Sun] 22nd MTV Video Music Awards [Miami]
This Week Is . . . Be Kind To Humankind Week
This Month Is . . . Happiness Happens Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PRODUCT LABEL TRANSLATIONS:
What product labels say [and what they really mean] …
• “All Natural Ingredients” [We consider sugar and fat natural ingredients.]
• “Freshness Guaranteed” [This junk has more preservatives than a stuffed owl.]
• “Specially Priced” [We raised the price.]
• “Safety-Sealed in Plastic” [You’re gonna need a chainsaw to open this.]
• “King Size” [Big wrapper, small candy bar.]
• “Diet” [Smaller can, larger price.]
• “Special Low-Salt” [Special high price.]
• “Crush-Proof Package” [We smashed the potato chips before we crammed them into the can.]
• “New and Improved” [We had some new and improved labels printed.]
• “Farm Style” [We didn’t wash the sand out of the spinach.]

BS BRAIN STRAIN:
How much extra Z-time do you get each time you hit the ‘snooze button’? [9 minutes has been the industry standard ever since General Electric marketed the 1st ‘snooze alarm’ in 1956.]

BS PHONE STARTER:
• Has CBC programming actually IMPROVED during the lock-out?
• Who do you think is the ‘Unsexiest Man [Woman] on the Planet’?
• What famous person don’t you ‘get’? Victoria Gotti, for instance. Or maybe Diddy. Or Paris Hilton … what’s her claim to fame other than a leaked sex video?

BS BLATANT JOKE:
I told my girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting on the weekend. She was all worried because she didn’t know how to cook them.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 37% of car owners have at least one of THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Dings or dents.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Confession is good for the soul … but bad for the career.