Thursday, August 11, 2005        Edition: #3092
Sheet f/Bull

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Even though Mark Burnett is said to be considering a Canadian location for an upcoming season of “Survivor” Canadians are still not allowed to be contestants on the show, a slight that inspired one Ian MacKenzie to create an online petition that’s now attracted close to 1,500 signatures & the endorsement of 7 past cast members (NET: http://www.letmeonsurvivor.com/petition.html) . . . The producers of the 1979 indie flick “Parts: The Clonus Horror” claim the current Ewan McGregor/Scarlett Johansson pic, “The Island”, is a total rip-off of their movie so they’re suing for damages and asking the film be pulled from theaters (another lousy weekend at the box office and that’ll happen anyway!) . . . Actress Drew Barrymore says she’s convinced best bud’ Cameron Diaz & Justin Timberlake are destined for marriage – she doesn’t know when or where, but she wants to be a bridesmaid . . . Brit actor Ian McKellen, who’s just finished shooting the movie version of “The Da Vinci Code” with Tom Hanks, is slamming the Catholic Church for urging people not to read Dan Brown’s controversial novel, calling the Vatican reaction ‘pathetic’ (in the movie, Sir Ian plays ‘Sir Leigh Teabing’) . . . And psychologist Robert Butterworth tells “NY Post” there’s a new trend in Hollywood he calls ‘mommy moochers’, mothers who use their kid’s fame to advance their own careers, including Lindsay Lohan’s mother Dina, Beyoncé’s designer mom Tina, and Paris Hilton’s reality show mama Kathy (wouldn’t “I Want to SHOOT a Hilton” make a better reality show?).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Christina Aguilera – Nashville songwriter Matt Morris is suing her, claiming he’s yet to be paid in full for co-writing 5 songs on her “Stripped” album.
• Gavin DeGraw – TONIGHT he’s on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Madonna – She’s teaming up with Outkast’s Andre 3000 on her upcoming album “Confessions on a Dancefloor”.
• Rascal Flatts – They recently performed their first USO gig, entertaining troops in the Persian Gulf.
• Terri Clark – She & boyfriend Greg Kaczor are set to wed but the date and location are still a secret.
• Toby Keith – He says his favorite menu item at his new I Love This Bar & Grill restaurant in Vegas is the fried bologna sandwich.
• Tommy Lee – TONIGHT he’s on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”.
• Tori Amos – TONIGHT she does the “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” on CBS-TV.
• Usher – In his upcoming movie “Dying For Dolly”, he shares a sizzling sex scene with actress Emmanuelle Chriqui. She claims the result is ‘pretty smoking’. We’ll all find out NOVEMBER 23.

WHERE THERE’S SMOKE THERE’S BAD GUYS:
Most movie research has concluded that smoking is portrayed as glamorous and positive but a new study finds the exact opposite to be true. Karan Omidvari of St Michael’s Medical Center in Newark NJ has examined the smoking habits of characters in the top-grossing movies from 1990 to 2000 and discovered that most films associate cigarette smoking with villains and low-class characters. Her calculations show that 36% of bad guys are smokers, compared to just 21% of good guys. She’s also found that, overall, about 24% of all movie characters are smokers, roughly in line with the number of smokers in real-life.
– CBC Arts

2005’s BEAUTY ICONS:
According to new stats from makeover Website BeautyRiot.com, here are the celebs most women look to for hairstyle and makeup inspiration …
1. Jessica Alba
2. Jessica Simpson
3. Ashlee Simpson
4. Hilary Duff
5. Nicole Richie

RANDOM PIERCING:
German scientists have found that acupuncture can cut the incidence of headaches in half among people who are susceptible to them. But here’s the really interesting part – the researchers have also found that sticking pins in the body randomly so they just penetrate the skin is just as effective as following the precise procedures of ancient Chinese acupuncture. The study, says the “British Medical Journal”, suggests that ‘minimal’ or ‘sham’ acupuncture is as good as the real thing. (Studio experiment! Let’s stick pins into [co-host] …)
– “The Independent”

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A 28-year-old South Korean man has died of heart failure just moments after playing video games – for 50 hours! He’d been playing online battle simulation games at a cybercafe in the city of Taegu almost non-stop for the entire time, only pausing for bathroom breaks and brief naps on a makeshift bed. He’d recently quit his job in order to – spend more time playing games.
• Emergency workers have rescued a Brentwood NH man after a pal placed a padlock around his – family jewels! The 39-year-old claims his friend put the lock on while he was drunk and passed out. Then when he woke up, the friend was gone. Here’s the extra-stupid part – this had all occurred TWO WEEKS previously. His attempts to remove the lock with a hacksaw had failed, so the loser finally called for help. After a locksmith was called in to remove the lock, it looks perhaps surprisingly, as if there will be no lasting injury.
• Here’s a scam you probably haven’t thought of yet: An Italian couple has managed to take over 50,000 Euros off a woman by convincing her that they were vampires who would impregnate her with the son of the Anti-Christ. The ‘vampires’ then sold her morning-after pills for 3,000 euros each which they told her would abort the baby in case she became pregnant. The bizarre scam was uncovered after the woman’s family discovered she’d spent her entire life savings and asked police to investigate.

MIND READERS:
Scientists at both UCLA and University College-London report they have successfully been able to monitor human thoughts via brain scans. Researchers were able to identify both the images people were looking at and the sounds they were listening to. (But they had to use MRIs … your wife just has to look at you.)
– “Science”

WHEN RENTING IS BETTER:
According to common wisdom, it’s better to own a home than rent. But renting does offer some advantages ….
• Saving Money: Unless you’re planning on staying in a house for more than 5 years, you run the risk of losing money if you buy. In a volatile real estate market, renting carries no risk. It frees up your money for other investments.
• Learning the Lay of the Land: If you’re new to an area, renting is a smart way to get to know different neighborhoods before deciding where to buy.
• Fewer Hassles: Heater broken? Roof leaking? When you’re a renter, that’s someone else’s headache. Would you rather go to the movies or grout the kitchen tile?
• Easy Moves: According to recent stats, you’ll change jobs an average of 9 times before age 35. Renting keeps you nimble … just 30 days notice and you’re out of there!
– “Homestore”

ANOTHER OUT-OF-THIS WORLD VACATION:
Russian rocket manufacturer RKK Energia is proposing to send space tourists on a ride around the Moon – for $100-million! The trip would include a week-long stay at the International Space Station. (Problem #1: The space station is only half-built. Problem #2: The space station cannot be completed without use of the Space Shuttle. Problem #3: The space shuttle.)
– Associated Press.

BS AMAZING FACT:
There are about 50,000 professional butlers around-the-world. Some of the highest-paid butlers have a salary over $400,000.
– International Guild of Professional Butlers

AND WE QUOTE
“We have people 300 lbs or 90 lbs come up to Jessica and say, ‘I’m just like you’.”  – Jessica Simpson’s pop & manager Joe Simpson, on why they’re rolling out a line of Jessica jeans to fit sizes 12-24.

THE BULL SHEET 08.11.2K5

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1950 [55] Steve Wozniak, San Jose CA, inventor of 1st commercially viable ‘Personal Computer’/Apple Computer co-founder (with Steve Jobs in 1976)/founder of Electronic Frontier Foundation/philanthropist/Inventors Hall of Fame (2000)

1967 [38] Joe Rogan, Newark NJ, TV host (“Fear Factor” since 2001)/”The Man Show” (2003-04)/comedian

1978 [27] Amber Brkich, Beaver PA, reality TV show personality (“Amazing Race 7″, “Survivor: All-Stars” winner, “Survivor: The Australian Outback”) who wed fellow contestant Rob Mariano – and turned it into a TV special (“Rob & Amber Get Married”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Daughter’s Day”, a day to pay special tribute to female offspring. (And they’ll no doubt respond, “Yeah right … whatever.”)

TODAY the so-called “Dog Days of Summer” end, traditionally the hottest days of the year in the Northern Hemisphere.

FRIDAY just before dawn, the annual “Perseid Meteor Showers” will peak, when dozens of so-called ‘shooting stars’ will be visible to the naked eye. The Perseids are actually small bits of debris shed by the huge, 6-mile-wide comet Swift-Tuttle. When the particles hit the top of the Earth’s atmosphere at 135,000 mph they become glowing hot and appear as bright shooting stars cris-crossing the sky in all directions. As a special bonus this time around, the red planet Mars will also be visible in the eastern sky, near where the Perseid meteors seem to originate.
NET: http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2005/22jul_perseids2005.htm

FRIDAY is “Middle Children’s Day”, to salute middle-born children whose childhood activity was limited by always being ‘too young’ or ‘too old’. Ask for middle kid sob stories on your recording line, then edit the best whiners and lay some sad-sack violin music and lots of ‘awwwww!’ SFX underneath when you play them back.

THIS WEEK is “Thanks For All the Gifts Week”, a week for procrastinators (and busy newlyweds) to write all those thank-you notes they’ve been meaning to get around to.

THIS WEEK is “Resurrect Romance Week”, to educate couples on how to bring the spark back into relationships and encourage romance year-round. Ask for ideas on how to create fireworks.
PHONER: 888.476.6268
NET: http://www.theromantic.com

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1995 [10] “La Macarena” by Los Del Rio is released

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1874 [131] Harry Parmelee of New Haven CT receives a patent for the ‘Lawn Sprinkler Head’

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1929 [76] 1st Major League Baseball player to hit 500 home runs (Babe Ruth)

1992 [13] ‘America’s Largest Shopping Center’, The Mall of America, opens in Bloomington MN

COMING UP . . .
[Fri] International Youth Day
[Fri] Truck Drivers’ Day
[Fri] “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo”, “Four Brothers”, “Skeleton Key” & “The Great Raid” open in movie theaters
[Sat] Garage Sale Day
[Sun] International Nagging Day
This Week Is . . . Knights of Columbus Family Week
This Month Is . . . Family Eye Care Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS REALLY BAD FORTUNE COOKIES:
• You will take a long journey and forget to turn off the stove.
• Your partner in life will be bad-tempered but serve a mean dish of chili.
• You have a spider in your ear.
• Your grandmother will see you on “Cops”.
• Your guardian angel got laid off.
• Your pets have never liked you.
• And people are just being nice.
• Who dressed you, anyway?

BS THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR A WOMAN SAY:
• “Could our relationship be more physical? I’m tired of just being friends.”
• “Hey, get a whiff of that one!”
• “Please don’t throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.”
• “This diamond is way too big.”
• “Does this make my butt look too small?”
• “I’m wrong, you must be right again.”
• “I think hairy butts are really sexy.”

BS PHONE STARTER:
What room in your home would you make smaller? (In an HGTV survey, most people pick the bedroom, followed by the living room.)

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Men are like mascara … they run at the first sign of emotion.
• The only 2 tools you will ever need are WD-40 and duct tape. If it moves and it shouldn’t, use the duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use the WD-40.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: On average, 0.7% of the world’s population is THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Drunk.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Only by pressing the limits do you ever find them.