Monday, August 30, 2004        Edition: #2855
Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s BS!

TACKY TABLOID BS:
• Attempting to benefit from inflated ratings during Olympic coverage, NBC-TV is premiering its new season 3 weeks early. “E! Online” notes it kicks off TONIGHT with “Fear Factor” and “Last Comic Standing”. (As “LCS” comedian Jay London would say … ‘Thank-you’.)
• “The Sun” reports Britney Spears was reduced to tears while visiting a newsstand when a loudmouth heckled her by yelling, “Where’s your leech boyfriend?” Meantime, “Weekly World News” says Britney has hastened her descent into trailer trash by changing outfits in full view of others while shopping for clothes in LA, at one point exposing her – quote – ‘increasingly floppy funbags’.
• Turns out Paris Hilton’s desperate search for her lost dog ‘Tinkerbell’ for which she offered a $5,000 reward was a result of her bad (or perhaps impaired?) memory. Seems she’d forgotten her pooch was staying with her grandparents, according to “Page Six”. (Hmm, do you smell publicity stunt?)
• “Daily Dish reports dinosaur rocker Gene Simmons of KISS has been approached by the producers of TV makeover show “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” to join the ‘Fab Five’ for an episode that shows him being taught how to dress, eat, groom and act properly. Simmons is said to be stoked with the idea. (Maybe they could teach him how to keep his tongue in his mouth?)
• “Empire” magazine reports that 19-year-old movie actress Keira Knightley (“Pirate of the Caribbean”) has turned down the chance to be the next ‘Bond girl’ because she’s afraid she wouldn’t look good enough in a bikini. (Simple solution – don’t wear one!)
• “Sex & the City” star Kim Cattrall was so devastated when an assistant left her laptop in a NYC taxi, she gave the cabby a generous tip when he returned it, reports “Daily Star”. A $10,000 tip, in fact! (Geez, wonder what was on that machine?)

DUMBASS SUPERMARKET TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Thousands Flock to See Jesus Hickey!”
• “George W Bush Was Abducted by Aliens!”
• “Witness Swears He Saw One Strand of Donald Trump’s Hair Actually Move!”
• “Starving Camper Mauls Grizzly!”
• “Larry King’s Head Is Getting Bigger!”
• “Poo La La! Man Speaks French Out of His Butt!”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Usher – He’s now hired an ‘autograph signer’ to take over when he becomes too tired to please persistent fans, thereby saving him from wrist strain.
• Big & Rich/Gretchen Wilson: THIS MORNING at 8:30 am EDT, they’ll announce the nominees for the 38th annual “CMA Awards”. Also to be announced – Vince Gill’s successor as host of the “CMA Awards Show”, NOVEMBER 9th in Nashville.
• Dierks Bentley – TODAY he’ll announce the finalists for the CMA’s “2004 Broadcast Awards” at the Country Music Hall of Fame in Nashville, honoring country radio stations and on-air personalities.
• Carlos Santana – TONIGHT comedians George Lopez & Cheech Marin will co-host a tribute to  the Latin Recording Academy’s ‘Person of the Year’ at LA’s Century Plaza Hotel. Dave Matthews, Rob Thomas, and Black Eyed Peas will be among many musicians who’ll perform.
• Ja Rule – TODAY in a Toronto court, his trial date is scheduled to be set on a charge of assault causing bodily harm stemming from a JUNE 5th incident at a local nightclub. Meantime,  he’s being sued for damages after he rented a Miami mansion for a weekend to shoot an episode of MTV’s “Cribs”, then allegedly trashed the joint with a party for 600 people afterward.
• Laura Branigan – The Grammy-nominated pop singer best known for her 1982 platinum hit “Gloria” has died of a brain aneurysm in her sleep at age 47.
• Avril Lavigne – Prosecutors in Everett WA have charged a 30-year-old man with felony stalking, accusing him of harassing her parents and violating a court order by trying to contact her.
• Jimmy Buffet – He says he has a special fondness for Canada because he has more family in Newfoundland and Nova Scotia than in the USA.
• Norah Jones – She just bought a $2.6-million loft in NYC’s Carl Fischer Building. Among her new neighbors … Adam Duritz of the Counting Crows.

DIET MADNESS:
• Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles is seeing a huge increase in the number of people with complaints of back pain. The first thing they check for is kidney problems caused by Atkins-style low-carb diets. However, the new diet breaking out in LA is surprisingly sensible – the likes of Halle Berry are zoning in on 5 small meals a day with a healthy carb-fat-protein mix.
– popbitch.com
• A new study has revealed that a Low Glycemic Index Diet, in which carbohydrates are low in sugar or release sugar slowly, can lead to weight loss, reduced body fat, and reduction in risk factors for diabetes and cardiovascular disease. Unlike the popular Atkins Diet, which minimizes carbohydrate intake, the Low-GI Diet makes distinctions among carbohydrates.
– “The Lancet”

A TOMATO JUICE A DAY KEEPS BLOOD CLOTTING AWAY:
A new study reveals that a glass of tomato juice a day can greatly benefit sufferers of cardiovascular disease because it helps to keep blots clots at bay. The University of Newcastle researchers who conducted the study found that a group of people with diabetes experienced reduced clotting activity after drinking as little as 250 ml of tomato juice per day for just 3 weeks. (Great, but you COULD have has a V-8!)
– ANI

ALTERNATIVES TO TIME-OUTS:
Former TV actress Lisa Whelchel (‘Blair’ on “The Facts of Life”) has published the new book  “Creative Correction: Extraordinary Ideas for Everyday Discipline”, offering parents unusual methods of disciplining children and citing Biblical scripture to defend the methods. Among her suggestions …
• Administer a drop of hot sauce on the tongue of a child who commits an oral offense such as biting, cursing or lying.
• When little ones balk at holding your hand while crossing the street, remind them “I can either hold your hand or hold your hair!”
• Spray water into the face of a toddler who has a temper tantrum. Alternatively, make them go to their room and cry for 10 minutes.
• Let your child go without a meal for failing to do a chore.
– Amazon.com/”Daily News”

TICKING PEOPLE OFF IS PURE PLEASURE:
Do you derive a sense of pleasure from reprimanding people? Guess what? You’re normal. Researchers from the University of Zurich in Switzerland have discovered that telling people off is linked to the area of the brain associated with enjoyment and satisfaction. (Open up the phone lines for a ‘therapy session’.)
– BBC

A REAL BALLS UP:
The in-demand plastic surgery for rich, aging Hollywood men is the ‘testicle lift’. Robert Redford has reportedly had one (let’s hope he had a better surgeon for that than the one who did his scary face!). When it comes to recovery time, the only places in Los Angeles for private recovery from cosmetic surgery are now super swank private hotels-within-a-hotel, such as ‘Privé’ at the W Hotel. There you get a private nurse, protein-heavy menu to aid cell regrowth, and total privacy. (Unless paparazzi show up with cash.)
– popbitch.com

SEXIEST LEG MOMENTS ON FILM:
1. Sharon Stone crossing/uncrossing her legs in “Basic Instinct”.
2. Ursula Andress’ seductive rise from the sea in “Dr No”.
3. Cameron Diaz walking into the bank in “The Mask”.
4. Brad Pitt in a skirt in “Troy”.
5. Russian gymnast Svetlana Khorkina’s high-kicking floor exercises at this year’s Olympics.
6. Halle Berry in “Catwoman”.
7. Julia Roberts in thigh-high boots in “Pretty Woman”.
8. Marilyn Monroe’s skirt blowing up in “The Seven Year Itch”.
9. Anne Bancroft as ‘Mrs Robinson’ in “The Graduate”.
10. The background girls in black dresses in Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love” video.
– New survey by Veet Bladeless Razor.

THE BULL SHEET 08.30.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1932 [72] Allan Fotheringham, Hearne SK, political columnist (“50Plus” magazine, “Maclean’s”)/author (“Fotheringham’s Fictionary of Facts & Follies”, “Last Page First”)

1959 [45] Stephen Harper, Toronto ON, Conservative Party of Canada leader

1963 [41] Michael Chiklis, Lowell MA, TV actor (Emmy Award-“The Shield”) COMING UP: Will play ‘The Thing’ in the movie version of the comic book “Fantastic Four” (2005).

1972 [32] Cameron Diaz, San Diego CA, movie actress (“Shrek 1-2″, “Charlie’s Angels 1-2″, “There’s Something About Mary”)/Justin Timberlake’s girlfriend/#8 on “FHM” magazine’s ‘Top 100 Sexiest Women of 2004′  UP NEXT: The sister drama “In Her Shoes” (2005), and “Shrek 3″ (2006).

1982 [22] Andy Roddick, Omaha NE, #2-ranked tennis pro

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY through Thursday is the “Republican National Convention” in NYC, when Dubya officially gets the go-ahead to represent the Grand Old Party for 4 more years … or at least until NOVEMBER 2nd. Unlike the Democrats, they’re a little starved for celebrities who want to get involved and will have to make do with country star Sara Evans, the Gatlin Brothers, Christian singer Michael W Smith, movie actor Ron Silver, former  “Survivor” contestant and TV personality Elisabeth Hasselbeck (“The View”), singer/surfer Daize Shayne & cop-turned-singer Daniel Rodriguez. (Wow, even Charlton Heston could outshine this bunch!)
NET: http://www.2004nycgop.org/

TODAY the “World Cup of Hockey” begins with 8 countries competing in Toronto & Montréal, Canada; St Paul MN; and various European cities including Stockholm SWE, Prague CZE and Cologne GER. The final will be played SEPTEMBER 14th at the Air Canada Centre in Toronto. It was last played 8 years ago (1996) when the USA won (to the horror of Canadians). TONIGHT the Czech Republic opens the tourney vs Finland in Helsinki.
NET: http://wch2004.com/

TODAY is “National Toasted Marshmallow Day”, celebrating that great summer treat on a stick. So how do you like yours done?
WHAT YOUR TOASTED MARSHMALLOW SAYS ABOUT YOU:
• Perfectly Browned On All Sides – You are an anal-retentive perfectionist, a nit-picker who will devote unreasonable amounts of time to ensure that every project is done ‘just so’.
• Blackened – You are a creative and high-strung latent pyromaniac who is seldom punctual, easily distracted, and has difficulty paying attention to detail.
• Crusty Outside, Gooey Inside – You are an overly-sensitive individual who detests any form of criticism and has trouble expressing innermost feelings. Rather than facing problems head-on, you waste time brooding about them.
• Slightly Tanned On One Side – You are a shy introvert who tends to underestimate the effort and time required to accomplish a task. You have an unreasonable fear of everyday things — fire, for instance.
• Raw – You are a lusty and likely overweight thrill-seeker who refuses to even consider the concept of delayed gratification. Rather than plan ahead, you want immediate satisfaction.

THIS WEEK is the annual “Burning Man” celebration in Nevada’s Black Rock Desert. It started in 1986, when San Francisco artist Larry Harvey was bitter about losing his girlfriend to another man so he built a wooden effigy, then burned it. Nowadays, some 30,000 participants gather, throw away their clothes or don outlandish costumes, and recite poetry, build avant-garde art objects and dance all night. At the finale MONDAY, they’ll burn a 50-foot wooden effigy of a man. One of the weirdest celebrations anywhere!
PHONER: 415.863.5263 (Burning Man Hotline, San Francisco CA)
NET: http://www.burningman.com

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1993 [11] Debut of “Late Show With David Lettermen” on CBS-TV attracts 23 million viewers (first guest is Bill Murray, musical guest is Billy Joel)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
2001 [03] NYC funeral held for singer/actress Aaliyah, killed in plane crash

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1988 [16] 1st swimmer to conquer all 5 Great Lakes (Kingston ON’s Vicki Keith, who’s attained 17 world records)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1987 [17] Canada’s Ben Johnson runs 100 metres in world record time of 9.83 secs in Italy (and for once his urine sample doesn’t glow in the dark)

1987 [17] Yves Pol of France runs complete marathon BACKWARDS in 3:57:57

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Trail Mix Day
[Tues] Love Litigating Lawyers Day
[Tues] “The Passion of the Christ” released on DVD
This Week Is . . . Self-University Week
This Month Is . . . Children’s Vision & Learning Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
• Cleopatra committed suicide by …
a. Accident.
b. Jumping off a pyramid.
c. Failing to watch her asp. [CORRECT. She did the deed 2,034 years ago TODAY (30 BC) by snakebite.]

• The first father & son to play in a big league baseball game on the same team …
a. Ken Griffey & Ken Griffey Jr. [CORRECT, 14 years ago TODAY (1990) with the Seattle Mariners.]
b. Sandy Alomar & Sandy Alomar Jr.
c. Babe Ruth & Hank Aaron.

• Scientists predict people of the future will have …
a. Fewer teeth.
b. No hair.
c. No little toes.
[Trick question. The answer is – all of the above!]

BS PHONE STARTER:
Why didn’t you watch this year’s Olympic Games as much as you used to? (Athletes switching countries to get the best deal or training? Athletes getting paid to win medals? In an increasingly global society, pitting countries against one another doesn’t mean much anymore? We sucked?)

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Anybody can play 10 songs in a row … I’m going to play 10 songs at the same time!
• That’s an interesting cologne you’re wearing. What is it, ‘Gymnasium #5′?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: According to a recent survey, THIS is the most annoying cliché of all time.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: ‘At the end of the day …’

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

ON OUR SHEET LIST:
BS salutes Jack Morris @ KDDX (X-Rock FM) Spearfish SD, who’s re-subscribed for another year of “BS”; Mike Cutting of CKSG (The New Star 93.3) Cobourg ON, who’s signed up for automatic monthly subscription renewal; welcome also to this week’s samplers that include Darryl Reeves @ WINL Demopolis AL; Gary Stackhouse @ CKPC (FM 92.1) Brantford ON; Kathy Copp @ KVOO (Today’s Country 98.5) Tulsa OK; Brandy Smith @ WQXB Grenada MS; Gator @ KLAA (LA 103.5) Pineville LA; and Mary Peterson @ WAUH (Retro Radio 102.3) Wautoma WI.