Monday, August 9, 2004 Edition: #2840
The Bovine Fecal Material Is About to Hit the Air Circulating Device!
TACKY TABLOID BS:
• Thousands of dollars worth of watches and jewelry have been stolen from the Hollywood home of Paris & Nicky Hilton. Also stolen: several designer purses, a laptop, and – bingo! – video tapes and photographs of Paris Hilton with ex-boyfriend Nick Carter. (“Us Weekly”)
• 19-year-old “Pirates of the Caribbean” star Keira Knightley graciously agreed to sign autographs for a group of female fans – while standing naked in a health club changing room! (“Daily Dish”)
• Oprah Winfrey has signed a 3-year contract extension that will keep her daytime talk show on the air until 2011, its 25th anniversary. (“USA Today”)
• Isn’t this refreshing? No wacky diets, no New Age yoga stuff. 40-year-old former “Friends” actress Courteney Cox Arquette has shed the 50 lbs she gained during pregnancy by – walking. Every day she reportedly pounds the beach for an hour. (“World Entertainment News”)
• Actor David Hasselhoff has pulled out of a deal to make a movie based on his 20-year-old TV series “Knight Rider”, purportedly because film bosses want to turn it into a comedy like “Starsky & Hutch”. Uber-thesbian Hasselhoff says his fans (???) would be furious. (UK “Sun”)
• Google founders Sergey Brin & Larry Page will be worth $4 billion each after the company’s IPO in a couple weeks. They’re the subject of SEPTEMBER’S “Playboy” interview, discussing such sexy topics as free e-mail, librarians & censorship by the Chinese government. (“NY Post”)
• Actor Kevin Spacey’s rep was furious with “Conde Nast Traveler” magazine upon learning the boss won’t be on the cover of the SEPTEMBER celebrity issue for writing an article called “My London”, a travel guide to his adopted city. We can’t wait to read about his favorite places to ‘walk the dog’ at 4 am. (“Daily News”)
• Organizers of THIS WEEKEND’S final Phish concert have rented a local Derby VT radio station to broadcast music and provide traffic updates. The all-Phish station, to be called ‘The Bunny’, will go on-air 24-hours-a-day beginning THURSDAY. (“E! Online)
SUPERMARKET TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Go to the Bathroom Just Once a Year – You Can with this New Pill!” (Weekly World News)
• “Jack LaLanne: Health Guru … or Vampire?” (National Enquirer)
• “I Got Pregnant Having Phone Sex” (Weekly World News)
• “World’s First Bigfoot Hooker!” (Weekly World News)
• “Teens Making Money Selling Gourmet Poop!” (National Examiner)
• “Sports Weirdo Shaves Head to Look Like Baseball!” (Weekly World News)
• “Woman Digs Through Garbage Dump for Lost Ring” (National Examiner)
• “Is Ralph Nader the Manchurian Candidate?” (Weekly World News)
• “Tapeworm Diet Sweeps Hollywood!” (Weekly World News)
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• R Kelly – He cleaned up at FRIDAY night’s 4th annual “Billboard R&B/Hip-Hop Awards”, picking up 7 trophies including ‘Top Artist’, ‘Top Songwriter’ and ‘Top Producer’.
• Rick James – An autopsy SATURDAY failed to determine the cause of his Friday death. There are several possibilities: he was diabetic, had a pacemaker, and suffered a stroke 6 years ago apparently caused by what’s called ‘Rock n Roll Neck’, excessive head-bobbing to music.
• Kelly Clarkson – TONIGHT she’s on “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• George Michael – He’s put his French Riviera villa in St Tropez up for sale. The 6-bedroom mansion with recording studio and pool surrounded by trees is listed at $5.8 million. No worries he’ll be homeless – he has 3 more homes in England.
• Sheryl Crow – She’s pledged to help finance a new swimming pool for her hometown of Kennett, Missouri. The new facility, opening in 2005, will be called the ‘Sheryl Crow Community Aquatic Center’.
• Janet Jackson – She’s is in negotiations to be one of the stars in the remake of the 1967 movie “Valley of the Dolls”.
WEBFOOT ON THE WALK:
TODAY ‘Donald Duck’ gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. The sailor-suited cartoon fowl’s star will fittingly be located in front of Hollywood’s Disney Store. The ‘Donald’ turned 70 THIS YEAR, having first appeared in the animated short “The Wise Little Hen” on June 9, 1934.
– “Hollywood Reporter”
WACKY WATER:
The anti-depressant drug Prozac is being taken in such large quantities that it can now be found in Britain’s drinking water, which environmentalists claim could cause ‘hidden mass medication’. The UK’s Environment Agency has revealed that Prozac is building up in both river systems and groundwater used for drinking supplies. (A spokesman says, “Chill dudes, we can work through this together, no probs.”)
– “The Observer”
SLIP OF THE TONGUE:
A 30-year-old man from Arnsberg, Germany has won the right to – stick his tongue out in his passport photo. After a local passport office rejected the goofy photo the troublemaker took it to court, which found there’s no rule against making goofy faces on German documentation. However, he was made to sign a promise not to take the issue to court again if he has problems crossing borders. (Seems really dumb … until you look at your own passport photo.)
– Agence France-Presse
WHAT ARTICLE OF CLOTHING MAKES A WOMAN LOOK SEXIEST?
For a ‘Femalefirst’ online poll, over 55,000 women and men were asked for their views on items of clothing that added to female se*x appeal. The results …
WOMEN
1. Stiletto heels.
2. Expensive lingerie.
3. Stockings.
4. Tight pants/jeans.
5. Cleavage-revealing top.
MEN
1. Stiletto heels.
2. Slit skirt.
3. Stockings.
4. Mini-skirt.
5. Jeans & a T-shirt.
THE BULL SHEET 08.09.2K4
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1957 [47] Melanie Griffith, NYC, movie actress (“Milk Money”, “Working Girl”)/Mrs Antonio Banderas since 1996/divorced actor Don Johnson – twice
1963 [41] Whitney Houston, East Orange NJ, pop singer (“It’s Not Right But It’s OK”, “Heartbreak Hotel”)/movie actress (“Waiting to Exhale”, “The Bodyguard”)/Mrs Bobby Brown since 1992
1964 [40] Brett Hull, Belleville ON, NHL star winger (2002 Stanley Cup-Detroit Red Wings, 1999 Stanley Cup-Dallas Stars) who’s just signed a 2-year, $4.5-million deal with the Phoenix Coyotes
1970 [34] Arion Salazar, Oakland CA, rock musician (Third Eye Blind-“Jumper”, “How’s It Gonna Be”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Book Lovers Day”. Any reader will tell ya no matter where you are, you’re never alone … as long as you have a book.
TODAY is “International Art Appreciation Day”. Any parent will tell ya the best and most important art is the stuff hanging on the fridge.
TODAY is “Hand Holding Day”. If they weren’t talked into it by their women – would guys ever hold hands?
TODAY is the UN’s “International Day of Indigenous People”. But is there really such a thing? Weren’t all people originally wanderers?
TODAY-Sunday Sturgis, South Dakota becomes biker heaven during the 64th annual “Sturgis Rally & Races”. Up to 250,000 hog owners from all over the world (including all major bike gangs) gather for shows, races and entertainment that includes dinosaur rockers ZZ Top and Heart. Sturgis is home to the ‘National Motorcycle Museum’.
PHONER: 605.642.8166
NET: http://www.sturgis.com
TOMORROW-Saturday some 30,000 professional and part-time hobos are expected for the 104th annual “National Hobo Convention” in Britt, Iowa. Participants hop trains from all over North America to attend the parade, the ‘King & Queen of the Hobos’ coronation, ‘Hobo Jungle’ and ‘Hobo Museum’.
PHONER: 515.843.3867
NET: http://www.hobo.com
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1930 [74] ‘Betty Boop’ makes her debut in the cartoon short “Dizzy Dishes” and many are scandalized by her risque attitude and trademark mini-skirt and garter
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1944 [60] ‘Smokey Bear’ (not Smokey THE Bear) is introduced by the US Forest Service (original name – ‘Hot Foot Teddy’) QUOTE: “Remember, only YOU can prevent forest fires!”
1955 [49] 1st “Guinness Book of World Records” published (back when the record for most people in a phone booth was – 1)
1974 [30] 1st (and only) US President to resign (Richard Nixon)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1930 [74] Canadian sprinter Percy Williams sets world record in 100-meter dash at 10.33 seconds
1988 [16] NHL’s Edmonton Oilers trade Wayne Gretzky to LA Kings for then-record $15 million, 2 players and 3 first-round draft picks
COMING UP . . .
[Tues] S’mores Day
[Tues] Spoil Your Dog Day
[Wed] Daughters Day
[Wed] 2004 Teen Choice Awards
[Thurs] Middle Children’s Day
[Thurs] Truck Drivers Day
[Fri] Friday the 13th
[Fri] Athens Summer Olympic Games opening ceremony
[Sat] Garage Sale Day
[Sat] International Nagging Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Scrabble Week
Knights of Columbus Family Week
Resurrect Romance Week
Thanks For All The Gifts Week
Elvis Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS REALLY BAD FORTUNE COOKIES:
• “What, 3 servings of Moo Shoo Pork weren’t enough for you, tubby?”
• “Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and nobody gets hurt.”
• “It takes a tough man to make tender chicken from a cat.”
• “Spouse mad at you. No get special ‘wonton pork’ tonight.”
• “Patron who mocks waiter’s accent will unwittingly consume chef’s body fluids.”
• “A wise man tips 25% to avoid severe tire damage.”
• “Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy. Ask waitress for application.”
BS TRIVIA:
Who was the first athlete to play in both a “World Series” and a “Super Bowl”? [Deion Sanders, turning 37 TODAY, played for the Atlanta Braves in the 1992 World Series and the San Francisco 49ers in the 1994 Super Bowl.]
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• If you’re car pooling, call in and tell us what weird stuff the driver has in the glove compartment. Any weird CDs in there?
• In what unusual way have you lost or destroyed your cellphone? (An insurance company study finds the most popular way of breaking a phone is dropping it in water. Other insurance claims: buried in concrete, grilled on BBQ, run over by vehicle, dropped from scaffolding, dropped down gutter, run over by train and flushed down toilet.)
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Isn’t Monday a cruel thing to do to your weekend?
• Today is sort of an anniversary for me here at [call letters]. It’s the 5th year of my 3-month trial.
• There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can’t.
• My dog is almost human – but I wish he wouldn’t howl in the shower!
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: A recent survey finds that most kids have one of THESE by the age of 7.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Piggy bank.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
WELCOME NEWBIES:
This week’s “BS” samplers include Patricia Purcell @ KUPD Phoenix AZ; John Morgan @ WCJC Marion IN; Chris Lewis @ 2QN Deniliquin, Australia; and Jessica Dahl @ WRRV Poughkeepsie NY. Welcome all! To subscribe to “The Bull Sheet”, simply click the link at the top of the page.