Monday, August 25, 2003 Edition: #2608
You’ve Got Yourself in Deep Sheet!
TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• “PeopleNews” says Madonna, Jennifer Lopez & Britney Spears are rumored to be getting together for a one-off performance of “Like A Virgin” at THURSDAY’s taping of the “MTV Video Music Awards” at NYC’s Radio City Music Hall. One reason to suspect the rumor could be true – Madonna premiered the track at the awards 19 years ago. Rumors are also flying that Courtney Love, Mariah Carey, Lil’ Kim & Kelly Clarkson will perform in a special Madonna tribute. One artist who definitely won’t – Missy Elliott, who apparently infuriated Madonna while making those Gap ads by constantly talking on the phone and turning down an invitation to Madonna’s home.
• “Star” magazine reports that Lil’ Kim had a BIG 28th birthday thanks to her pal P Diddy at hot LA club Cinespace. As a surprise, P arranged for actress/model/R&B singer Tyrese to come out belting “Happy Birthday”. Not sure if this was a birthday gift or not, but reports say Lil’ Kim has recycled some of her lil’ bod’ – having the fat removed through liposuction on her hips transferred to her breasts.
• ”National Enquirer” reports that superstar diva Barbra Streisand has also had plastic surgery – after years of insisting she’d never go under the knife. The 61-year-old singer/actress was so intent on keeping her surgery secret, she wore a black scarf over her face as she was leaving the clinic. A spokesperson finally ‘fessed up – Ms Streisand has had a ‘small procedure’ tightening the jaw line.
• “NY Post” reports that PHISH bassist Mike Gordon could be facing misdemeanor charges for taking ‘art pictures’ of a 9-year-old girl whom he whisked off to a secluded boathouse during a Dead concert on Long Island. If that’s all he gets, he’s lucky – seems the girl is the daughter of a Hell’s Angel and club members beat the crap out of him before deciding that killing him would be ‘bad press’. Gordon goes to court SEPTEMBER 29th.
• London’s “Sun” tab reveals that “American Idol” (and UK “Pop Idol”) judge Simon Cowell is moving to a new home in London but the address is being kept secret due to worries over stalkers and overzealous fans. The refurbished $8.5 million mansion reportedly has state-of-the-art security and a luxury garage for his Aston Martin. Cowell, whose estimated fortune is now circa $80 million, is also said to looking for a villa in Los Angeles.
• “PeopleNews” reports that Enrique Iglesias has signed an $80-million contract to appear in Pepsi Cola ads. Word is he was chosen ahead of Justin Timberlake & Jennifer Lopez to become the new (and mole-free) face of Pepsi.
• “E! Online” notes that Disney-Pixar’s “Finding Nemo” has now officially passed “The Lion King” to become the highest-grossing animated movie of all time, with close to $330 million … so far.
• And thanks to “Weekly World News” for these ‘Breaking Stories‘ – “Holy Vision in Toilet Saves Gal from Suicide!”, “Women’s Hot Flashes Cause Global Warming!”, “Terrorists Recruiting Zombie Army to Invade USA!”, and “Joan of Arc’s Angry Ghost Attacks ‘Cowardly Nation’!”
STRESS POLL:
What causes you to be most concerned?
28.8% – Money/financial Issues
16.8% – My Job/Career
12.5% – Marriage/Intimate Relationships
10.9% – Social Relationships
8.3% – Personal Appearance/Weight Issues
7.7% – Family/Children
7.1% – No Answer
4.4% – Health Concerns
2.1% – Political Issues
1.4% – Cultural Issues
Source: InterCommerce Corporation
BS MEDICAL SLANG:
Medical specialist Adam Fox has put together a dictionary of terms health professionals use to describe patients to each other. You probably know from watching “ER” that ‘GSW’ means ‘Gun Shot Wound’. Here are some others –
•’UBI’ – ‘Unexplained Beer Injury’
• ‘PAFO’ – ‘Pissed And Fell Over’
• ‘Code Brown’ – A fecal incontinence emergency.
• ‘DBI’ – ‘Dirtbag Index’, a formula which multiplies the number of tattoos on the patient’s body by the number of missing teeth to estimate the total of days he has gone without a bath.
• ‘GPO’ – ‘Good For Parts Only’
• ‘Rule of Five’ – When 5 or more orifices are obscured by tubing, meaning the patient has little chance of survival.
• ‘Giving the O-sign’ – Very sick, lying with mouth open.
• ‘Giving the Q-sign’ – Same as above, only with tongue hanging out of the mouth.
• ‘LOBNH’ – ‘Lights On But Nobody Home’
• ‘Pumpkin Positive’ – Someone so stupid that a penlight shone into the mouth will make the empty head gleam like a jack-o-lantern.
• ‘FLK’ – ‘Funny Looking Kid’
FORGET ABOUT FANS IN PHOENIX:
An electric fan is virtually useless if you’re trying to cool off in temperatures above 32 C (90F). In fact, the Centers for Disease Control says in really hot weather, a fan can increase heat stress by acting like a convection oven. (So be sure to roll over every 15 minutes for even cooking.)
SLUSHY CUISINE:
Former chef Keith Keogh, now senior vice-president of the Red Lobster chain, says today’s kids are part of what he calls the ‘C Generation’ – the convenience-store generation. Thanks to the explosion of products available in convenience stores such as 7-11, they’ve been exposed to exotic flavors like mango and kiwi, and have developed a taste for the unusual that many adults never experience (some of it qualifying as actual food). (For proof, ask kids to tell you about their favorite candy.)
BS AMAZING FACTS:
Over 27% of people skip ahead to find out what will happen in a book before they finish it. (Especially those on death row.)
THE BULL SHEET 08.25.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1930 [73] Sir Sean Connery, Edinburgh SCOT, movie actor (“The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen”, Oscar-“The Untouchables”, “Dr No”–the best ‘James Bond’?)/received knighthood New Year’s Eve 1999 FACTOID: Before succeeding as an actor, he was a ‘Mr Universe’ contestant, nude model, milk delivery man and – a coffin polisher.
1931 [72] Regis (Francis Xavier) Philbin, NYC, TV host (“Live with Regis & Kelly” [Kathy-Lee] since 1989, “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” 1999-2001)
1949 [54] Gene Simmons (Chaim Witz), Haifa ISR, long-tongued rock dinosaur (Kiss-“Rock ‘n Roll All Night”, “Beth”) who claims to have slept with over 4,600 women
1954 [49] Elvis Costello (Declan MacManus), London ENG, rock singer (“My Aim Is True”, “Every Day I Write the Book”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2003)/engaged to jazz singer Diana Krall
1958 [45] Tim Burton, Burbank CA, movie director/producer (“Planet of the Apes” [2001], “Batman”, “Ed Wood”) UP NEXT: Directs a “Willy Wonka” remake to be called “Charlie & the Chocolate Factory”, starring Johnny Depp and opening in 2005.
1970 [33] Claudia Schiffer, Dusseldorf GER, 5’-11” fashion model/sometime actress (“Life Without Dick”, “Richie Rich”)
1970 [33] Jo Dee Messina, Holliston MA, 1st female country artist to have 3 consecutive #1 hits from the same album (“Bye Bye”, “I’m Alright”, “Stand Beside Me”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Kiss-and-Make-up Day”, a day to make amends in relationships that have deteriorated. (Go ahead – try planting one on the boss and see where you get.)
THIS MONTH is “Home Business Month”, set aside to recognize the growing number of entrepreneurs who’ve set up shop in their own house. You may want to think twice about the idea – in a recent survey, 32% of those running home businesses say they’ve gained weight since. (Oh no, another new syndrome – ‘home office ass’!)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1970 [33] Elton John makes his North American debut in an LA nightclub, opening for singer David Ackles (who?)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1804 [199] 1st female horseracing jockey (Alice Meynell-UK)
1940 [63] 1st ‘parachute wedding’, as bride, groom, wedding party, minister & musicians all sky dive over NYC (the honeymoon proves especially challenging!)
1960 [43] 1st players’ names appear on back of football uniforms (AFL)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1922 [81] ‘Highest-scoring Major League Baseball game’ – Chicago Cubs 26, Philadelphia Phillies 23 (51 hits, 23 walks & 10 errors)
1981 [22] Jeff Schwartz sets record for ‘solo trampoline bouncing’ (266 hours, 9 minutes)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Women’s Equality Day
[Wed] Mars makes closest-ever pass by Earth
[Wed-Fri] 8th Air Guitar World Championships (Oulu, Finland)
[Wed-Sept 7] Montréal World Film Festival
[Thurs] 20th MTV Video Music Awards (airs SATURDAY)
This Week Is . . . Be Kind to Humankind Week
This Month Is . . . Immunization Awareness Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If everyone was color blind, would we know it?
• Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
• How do they get the air inside a tennis ball?
• Is a flashlight the best place to store dead batteries?
• If you have liposuction, should you put it under your pillow for the ‘Fat Fairy’?
• Is there life after marriage?
BS MONDAY MORNING BRAIN BUSTER:
There are 10 black socks and 10 brown socks in a drawer. If you reach into the drawer in the dark, what is the smallest number of socks you must take out before you are absolutely sure of having a pair that match? (You could luck in after taking out just 2 socks, but are absolutely certain to have a pair after taking out 3 socks, the third matching either the black or brown sock already removed.)
HAIRIEST MAN CONTEST:
Line up a prize of laser treatment for body hair, then run a contest to find ‘[Your Area’s] Hairiest Man’. Contestants enter by e-mailing, faxing or snail-mailing a photo of themselves … without a shirt.
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What phrase(s) do you really hate to hear from your mate in bed?”
• “What’s the most romantic thing your spouse ever did?”
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• If you smell like a lemon, your wife has probably been dusting with your T-shirt again.
• A new study has found that obese people are prone to altitude sickness. This is too bad because we know how fond fat people are of mountain climbing.
BS INTERVIEW:
The so-called ‘Feng Shui Diva’, Robyn Bentley, claims students get better grades when they sleep in their ‘wisdom direction’. Feng Shui is the 4,000 year-old Chinese art of arranging things so they’re in harmony with Earth’s energy or ‘chi’. So, helping your kid improve at school is as simple as – moving his or her bed to the correct spot. Yeah right, and how can you rearrange your studio to maximize its chi? Convertible roof?
PHONER:804.358.7075 or 804.241.1685 (Richmond VA)
NET: http://www.fengshuidiva.com
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: It’s dinnertime in the wild. What would your average Canadian beaver eat?
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Tree bark and twigs.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The human is the only animal that blushes … or needs to.
LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
Welcome aboard to new “BS” subscriber Jonny Ramirez @ KXTN San Antonio TX and this week’s samplers that include Jerry Lang @ DTR FM Kiltonga, Northern Ireland, Ray Maharaj @ LOTUS FM Durban, South Africa, Jonathan Matthews @ KQMX Weatherford OK, Tony Ray @ WMCT Mountain City TN, Tony Michaels @ KSUX Sioux City IA, Mike Weiner @ WWCK Flint MI, and Amos Yonner @ WJNG Johnsonburg PA.
