Friday, August 22, 2003 Edition: #2607
We Give a Sheet!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
MTV is beginning to rival FOX in dreaming up cheesy reality shows, reportedly offering big bucks to pseudo-actress Carmen Electra to allow cameras to follow her around before & during her upcoming wedding to rocker Dave Navarro, and also offering an “Osbournes”-type series to Eminem’s mother, Debbie Mathers (seeing as he turned them down) . . . Meantime, Eminem’s uncle, Todd Nelson, has spilled the beans that the reason Em’ keeps returning to wife Kim Mathers is she’s bisexual & brings women home – for fun ‘n games (a really angry rap hit’s coming about a loose lipped uncle) . . . “Intuition” singer Jewel will make her TV series debut when she guest stars in 3 episodes of Rob Lowe’s upcoming legal drama “The Lyon’s Den”, playing a competing lawyer who also happens to be the former fiancee of Lowe’s character . . . 40-year-old Demi Moore has moved in with her 25-year-old boyfriend Ashton Kutcher while her new $4-million mansion is being renovated, and has brought along her 3 daughters (interesting that Ashton is closer in age to 15-year-old Rumer than to Demi) . . . Hellraizing actor Colin Farrell has recorded a cover of the rock classic “I Fought the Law”, first made famous by the Bobby Fuller Four and then by The Clash, for the soundtrack of his upcoming movie “Intermission” . . . And here’s another indication Michael Jackson is running short of cash – invitations have been sent out for a 1-day open house at Neverland ranch SEPTEMBER 13, when 250 guests will be allowed to ‘personally experience this extraordinary and magical oasis’ – at $5,000 a head (times 250 = 1-and-a-quarter mill in the bank!).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Marci X” (Comedy) – “Friends” star Lisa Kudrow plays ‘Marci Feld’, a NYC Jewish-American princess who tries to save daddy’s record company after the label’s popular hardcore rapper ‘Dr S’ (Damon Wayans) releases a controversial CD called “Shoot Ya’ Teacha”.
• “My Boss’s Daughter” (Romantic Comedy) – Ashton Kutcher tries to win over his dream girl (Tara Reid) when his boss, who also happens to be her father, asks him to house-sit. It’s being released 2 whole years after it was shot, usually NOT the sign of a hit. In fact, insiders say it wouldn’t have been released at all had Ashton Kutcher not become such a household name.
• “The Medallion” (Action Comedy) – Jackie Chan plays a Hong Kong detective who suffers a fatal accident involving a mysterious medallion and is transformed into an immortal warrior with superhuman powers, then collaborates with a British agent to bust an international slave-trade organization.
THE POT PATCH:
A University of Kentucky pharmacy researcher is working to create a prescription patch to deliver ‘marijuana-like’ chemicals to people who can benefit from medicinal marijuana, such as those suffering from AIDS or cancer. The patch would be a breakthrough because it would eliminate the need to inhale smoke. If that delivery method doesn’t turn your crank, you’ll be happy to know the University of Mississippi is working to develop a THC-based – rectal suppository. (But it has an odd side effect – it makes you wanna sit on a pizza.)
IN A WORD:
YESTERDAY the new edition of the “Oxford Dictionary of English” was released, which recognizes some 3,000 new words and expressions. Among them –
• ‘24/7‘ – All-day, every day.
• ‘Bada Bing’ – An effortless act.
• ‘Blog’ – Short for Web log.
• ‘Doudou’ – A West Indian term of endearment.
• ‘Eeyorish’ – Having a gloomy outlook on life.
• ‘Muppet’ – A foolish person.
• ‘Prairie-Dogging’ – When office workers in cubicles raise their heads above the partitions surrounding their desks to see what is going on.
Just goes to prove the old adage – slang is a language that rolls up its sleeves, spits on its hands, and goes to work!
IT’S A WACK WORLD:
• European discount airline Easy Jet has teamed up with a photo-finisher to offer airsick bags that double as film processing envelopes. Klick Photopoint has provided the airline with thousands of pre-addressed barf bags, hoping more of the airline’s 20 million annual passengers will use them to send in undeveloped film than … anything else. (Wouldn’t you hate to be opening that mail?)
• A 39-year-old Brazilian who went to a medical clinic complaining of an earache is suing doctors after they instead performed – a vasectomy. (Fortunately the treatment has worked – he’s forgotten all about his earache.)
• A 17-year-old Cambodian boy has died of suffocation after the 8-inch-long fish he caught jumped out of his hands, into his mouth, then got stuck in his throat due to the barbs running down its back. (Listen to your mother – never run with scissors, swallow your gum … or fish with your mouth open.)
• A Swedish pole vaulter says Scandinavian Airlines lost her equipment during a short flight from her home to Germany. You’d think it would be tough to misplace, it included a set of 15 ft-long poles! (Who would steal a 15-ft pole? Some guy who found a girl he wouldn’t touch with a 10-ft pole.)
FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
• 34% of women surveyed for “Self” magazine say they wouldn’t feel confident wearing a bikini of any kind, anytime, anywhere. (And just forget about a thong!)
• According to a new German survey, as many as 1 in 4 men have felt ‘uncomfortable sexual pressure’ from women. Researchers say the poll shows that young men often feel threatened by modern women taking the initiative and making increased demands for sexual satisfaction.
Among the male complaints about unwanted sexual pressure – “Intrusive kissing and clinging when out on the town”. (And all you keep hearing about is oral, oral, oral. Hygiene, that is.)
• A new survey on sleeping habits shows the average North American sleeps only about 6-and-a-half hours per night, and 28% get less than 6 hours. Only 10% of us get the required 8 full hours. (Must be something to do with all that ‘sexual pressure’ from women.)
AND WE QUOTE:
“When you ask somebody to dig the blue M&Ms out of the rest of the colors, then something is wrong with you. When you ask for stupid stuff, you’re a bad diva.” – Kelly Rowland of Destiny’s Child
THE BULL SHEET 08.22.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1945 [58] Steve Kroft, Kokomo IN, CBS News correspondent (“60 Minutes” since 1989)
1960 [43] Collin Raye, De Queen AR, country singer (“I Think About You”, “Love, Me”)
1963 [40] Mila Mason, Dawson Springs KY, country singer (“Maybe, Maybe Not”, “Blood Simple”)
1963 [40] (Myra Ellen) Tori Amos, Newton NC, alternative singer (“Silent All These Years”, “Raspberry Swirl”, “Hey Jupiter”)
1973 [30] Howie Dorough (Dwaline), Orlando FL, has-been pop singer (Backstreet Boys-“Shape of My Heart”, “Larger Than Life”)
1973 [30] Beenie Man (Anthony Moses Davis), Kingston JAM, reggae/dancehall singer (w/Janet Jackson “Feel It Boy”, “Who Am I”)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1970 [33] Jay Mohr, Verona NJ, TV host (“Last Comic Standing”)/movie actor (“Jerry Maguire”)/ex-TV comic (“Saturday Night Live” 1993-95)
1978 [25] Kobe Bryant, Philadelphia PA, NBA superstar (3 consecutive NBA championships-LA Lakers) FACTOID: He’s due in Eagle CO court again OCTOBER 9 for a preliminary hearing on his sexual assault charge.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Tooth Fairy Day”. So what’s the proper amount for the devious dental donor to leave under the pillow these days anyway?
TODAY is “Be An Angel Day”, a day to do ‘one small act of service for someone’. So if you see someone walking around yakking on a cell phone today, give ’em a slap upside the head – as a public service of course.
TOMORROW the 7th annual “Cow Pasture Open” will be played on a makeshift golf course in Wisdom MT that’s a cattle ranch the other 364 days of the year. About 175 golfers will don spiked shoes (boots with spurs), and rev up golf carts (tractors). The biggest hazard? Meadow muffins!
PHONER: 406.689.3225
TOMORROW-Sunday the 12th annual “Canadian Garlic Festival” invades Sudbury ON. Events include a ‘garlic hunt’ and ‘garlic relay’ (eat a clove, then breathe on the next person?).
PHONER: 705.673.7404 (Ukrainian Seniors Centre)
SUNDAY at the Molson Indy Montréal, Canadian driver Paul Tracy has the chance to lock up a Canadian triple crown in auto racing. He’s already won the events in Vancouver and Toronto THIS SUMMER. A win in Montréal would give the Toronto native a sweep of the Canadian races.
SUNDAY the annual “Ironman Canada” triathlon huffs and puffs around Penticton BC. 2002 champ Garrett MacFadyen (Canada) leads a strong men’s field. Competitors swim 4 Ks, bike 180 Ks, then run 42 Ks. (Then die.)
PHONER: 250.490.8787 (Subaru Ironman Canada HQ)
NET: http://www.ironman.ca
THIS WEEKEND the 24th annual “Great American Duck Race” paddles into Deming NM. No little rubber duckies here, just real live quackers competing for prize money in the ‘world’s richest duck race’.
PHONER: 888.345.1125/505.544.0469
NET: http://www.demingduckrace.com
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
565 [1438] 1st reported sighting of ‘Loch Ness Monster’ (Saint Columba)
1851 [152] 1st ‘Hundred Guinea Cup’ won by yacht ‘America’, resulting in trophy being re-named ‘America’s Cup’
1865 [138] 1st ‘liquid soap’ patented (we can thank William Sheppard for those public restroom dispensers that squirt goo down your sleeves)
1989 [14] British Telecom unveils the 1st ‘pocket phones’
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1958 [45] Toronto Argos’ Boyd Carter & Dave Mann combine for CFL record 131-yd punt return (they start in the parking lot or what?)
1998 [05] Westlock, Alberta farmers set Guinness World Record by using 64 combines to harvest 63 hectares (156 acres) in just 15 minutes, 43 seconds
1951 [52] Largest-ever crowd to see a basketball game (75,052 watch Harlem Globetrotters in a free performance)
1989 [14] 1st major league pitcher to strike out 5,000 batters (Nolan Ryan-Texas Rangers)
1992 [11] Most costly US hurricane, Hurricane Andrew, causes $20.6 billion damage in South Florida
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] Single Parent Family Day
[Mon] Kiss & Make Up Day
[Tues] Make Your Own Luck Day
[Tues] Women’s Equality Day
[Wed] Petroleum Day
[Wed] Mars makes closest-ever pass by Earth
[Wed-Sept 7] Montréal World Film Festival
This Week Is . . . American Dance Week
This Month Is . . . Children’s Good Manners Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
SUNDAY “Six Feet Under” finally debuts on Canadian TV on the Showcase network. So here’s a look at some …
BS SIGNS YOU’VE GONE TO A BAD FUNERAL DIRECTOR:
• Embalming fluid? Molson Canadian.
• Presents you the ashes of your loved one in an ashtray.
• Hearse has Pizza Pizza logo on side and drops off a couple of pies on way to cemetery.
• Asks if you want cremation to be ‘original’ or ‘extra crispy’.
• Gives you business card for his ‘Second-hand Eyeglass & Denture Shop’.
• Two days after funeral you see the deceased alive again, doing yard work at funeral home.
BS TERRIBLY TOUGH TRIVIA:
Q: According to a “USA Today” poll, over a third of us hit the clock radio ‘snooze button’ an average of 3 times each morning. So how much extra Z-time do you get each time you hit ‘snooze’?
A: 9 minutes has been the industry norm ever since General Electric marketed the 1st ‘snooze alarm’ in 1956.
Source: “Charlotte Observer”
“MAXIM” MAGAZINE PICKS THE HOTTEST WOMEN IN REALITY TV:
• Paris Hilton of the Hilton hotel family. (FOX-TV’s “The Simple Life” coming in OCTOBER, in which a pair of rich, big-city girls try to survive in the country)
• Nicole Richie, daughter of singer Lionel Richie. (“The Simple Life”)
• Kimberly Caldwell, one of 12 finalists on the 2nd season of “American Idol”. (Fox Sports Net’s extreme sports show “54321″.)
• Chantille Boudousque, a winner on ABC-TV’s “Are You Hot?” (now looking for work in LA)
• Melissa Howard, the wild chick on “Real World: New Orleans” (Oxygen network’s “Girls Behaving Badly”)
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Bosses beware! When asked to tell the truth, 61% of employees admit they’re guilty of doing THIS at work.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Sneaking out early.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Any fool can criticize … and most do.