August 16, 2000                                         Edition:  #1869

You thought the 24-hour ‘Golf Channel’ was dumb? The 500 CHANNEL TV universe is on the horizon as CRTC hearings are underway for the first wave of digital television licences. Experts predict that by the year 2008 over half of Canadian homes will have a ‘digital set-top box’ to receive the new channels. So here’s a look at . . .
BS PROPOSED DIGITAL CHANNELS:
• T&A&E
• The Geriatric Porn Channel
• TSN 22 — all international intramural sports with bad hair
• The E! Coli Channel
• That One Episode of “Love American Style” with Ruth Buzzi and Sonny Bono Channel
• Enema Cinema
• The SELF-Discovery Channel, with host George Michaels
• Ho Shopping Network
• Dropaloadeon

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY auditions begin in Toronto for Global TV’s upcoming series “Popstars”, in which a female singing group will be manufactured (a la Spice Girls) and their launch into popdom followed by cameras (the Australian version of this became the highest-rated program down under) . . . Close to 400,000 Canadians have now called the CTV “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” hot line, but less than 1% have qualified by answering all 5 ‘Fastest Finger’ questions . . . Pam Anderson is getting married again but NOT to Tommy Lee, this time it’s to former male model Marcus Schenkenberg, who reportedly proposed on a yacht by reading a poem and then handing her a glass of champagne with a huge diamond ring in the bottom (awwwww).

BE FAT, BE SAFE:
A new study reveals that fat people are much less likely to suffer violent deaths than thin people. Why? Researchers say it’s possible overweight people have different habits that keep them out of harm’s way. (It’s hard to get run over by a truck if you never leave the all-you-can-eat buffet.)

THE DOG ATE MY BLOCKBUSTER:
Steven Spielberg is teaming with Lego to create “The Steven Spielberg Movie Maker Set” for aspiring junior filmmakers, to be available by the end of the year. (Remember when all you could build was little houses from this stuff?)

FEMALES ARE STRONGER:
Scientists at Britain’s Nottingham University have found that women who are vegetarians are more likely to have girls. Researcher Pauline Hudson says one reason may be the additional stress placed on the body by a vegetarian diet. Weaker male foetuses die, while females, which are hardier, survive. (Suggested new beef industry slogan: “Want boys? Eat steak!”)

NEW ADDITIONS TO “OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY”:
• Blipvert – A very short TV ad.
• Chuddies – Asian slang for ‘underpants’.
• E-tailer – An Internet retailer.
• Flexecutive – An exec who can choose own hours and location.
• Noughties – Nickname for the 21st century’s first decade, ‘nought’ meaning ‘zero’.
• Pre-loved — Something that is secondhand.
• Screenager – A computer-addicted teenager.

THE BULL SHEET 08.16.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1930    [70] Frank Gifford, Santa Monica CA, retired TV sportscaster (“Monday Night Football”)/NFL Hall of Fame player (NY Giants)/Mr Kathie Lee Gifford since 1985
1953    [47] Kathie Lee Gifford, Paris FRA, retired TV talk show host (“Live With Regis & Kathie Lee”) NOTE: She blabbed all over about the ‘surprise’ 70th birthday cruise she’s giving Frank
1954    [46] James Cameron, Kapuskasing ON, movie director (Oscar-“Titanic”, “Terminator”, “True Lies”) NOTE: Currently working on TV series “Dark Angel”, movie version of “Spider-Man” for release next year, and sequels “Terminator 3″ and “True Lies 2″ coming out in 2002
1958    [42] Madonna (Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone), Bay City MI, pop singer (“Music”)/bad film actress (“The Next Best Thing”)/mom to Rocco and Lourdes
1959    [41] Laura Innes, Pontiac MI, TV actress (Dr Kerry Weaver-“ER”)
1972    [28] Emily Erwin Robison, Dallas TX, country singer (Dixie Chicks-“Goodbye Earl“, “Wide Open Spaces”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TOMORROW the 11th annual “Cockroach Derby” scurries at Rutgers University in New Brunswick NJ. In US election years, the special Madagascar Hissing Roaches are used to represent Presidential candidates in an attempt to predict the election outcome. In 1996 the results were bang on with the Clinton roach whipping the Dole roach. Will they have a Reform cockroach this year or just use the real Pat Buchanan?
PHONER: 800-524-9942 (Leonard Douglen)

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999    “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?”, hosted by Regis Philbin, premieres on ABC-TV as a summer fill-in special and quickly becomes TV’s #1 show

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1930    [70] 1st ‘British Empire Games’ (now ‘Commonwealth Games’), held in Hamilton ON
1954    [46] 1st issue of “Sports Illustrated” magazine

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1960    [40] Joseph Kittinger sets world record for ‘successful free fall’ dropping 84,700 ft — more than 16 miles — before opening parachute over New Mexico
1974     [26] Cindy Nicholas swims across Lake Ontario in record 15 hrs, 18 mins

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] National Thriftshop Day
[Thurs] Central Canada Exhibition opens in Ottawa
[Sun] National Radio Day
National Back-To-School Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
Q: In 1951, Marion Donovan of New York invented the first of these that could be thrown away after use. What were they?
A: Using padding and a piece of shower curtain, she invented the first ‘disposable diapers’.

BS TAG LINE: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know —  only more so.