August 7, 2000          Simply Irresistibull          Edition:  #1862

BS THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN’T:
• “Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.”
• “Mind if I join your threesome?”
• “Nuts, my shaft is bent!”
• “Look at the size of his putter!”
• “Stand with your back turned and drop it.”
• “Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.”
• “Hold on, I need to wash my balls first.”

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• Even though he tried to stop publication, “National Enquirer” has the scoop on Regis Philbin’s supposed extramarital tryst with a sometime cheerleader named Maria Majerek who sold her diary to the tab. Juicy excerpt: “Regis had me strip naked and put my fur coat on. It was pure raw raging sex.” (However, the diary doesn’t mention anything about the fastest finger.)
• How’d the geezers in the new movie “Space Cowboys” remember all that NASA-coached technical jargon? Co-star Tommy Lee Jones confesses to “Mr Showbiz” that sometimes he ripped out a page of script and hid it on the spaceship’s instrument panel and sometimes, he says, “you write on the back of your hand”.
• Clint Eastwood tells “TV Guide Online” he’d have no problem surviving on TV’s “Survivor”. But his “Space Cowboys” co-star James Garner says, “I’d have killed them all in a week, and that would have been the end of that.”
• Melanie Griffith reveals to “Star“, “I had my boobs done after my second child. But I didn’t make them bigger, I had them put back where they were.” (Lord knows where they had escaped to!)
• “Globe” reports that David Letterman doesn’t like lawyers in his audience because they’re too uptight to laugh at his jokes and doesn’t like women in the audience because they’re too embarrassed to laugh out loud. (Hey Dave, these days you should be happy to have ANYBODY in the audience!)
• According to “Entertainment Weekly”, newlyweds Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton didn’t take long to find their future home — it was the first and only place they looked at. Their new $4-million Beverly Hills love nest is the 11,000 sq ft, 8-bedroom estate previously owned by former Guns N’ Roses guitarist Slash. Billy Bob plans to record his own warblings in the mansion’s custom-built sound studio. (And what about that ‘Velcro wall’ they mentioned they dreamed of constructing?)

NOW HEAR THIS:
There’s a new ‘disposable hearing aid’ on the market. ‘The Songbird’ is aimed at aging Baby Boomers with mild hearing loss (anyone who ever went to a Who concert). It can be replaced when it wears out for about $80. To overcome Boomers’ reluctance to admit they’re getting old, it’s being marketed as a solution for noise-induced, as opposed to age-related, hearing loss. (For people who can still “see for miles and miles” but can’t hear a damn thing.)

DO YOU FLOSS AFTERWARD?
One of the latest fads in Japan is ‘Skin Brushing’. Proponents say a daily 5-minute session using a long-handled natural brush starting with the feet and moving upward stimulates the lymphatic system and helps eliminate toxins. (For a real thrill, try a wire brush.) 

THE BULL SHEET 08.07.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1960    [40] David Duchovny, NYC, TV actor (Agent Fox Mulder-“The X Files”)/movie actor (“Return to Me”)/Mr Tea Leoni  FACTOID: He’ll only appear in a few episodes beginning this fall as his lead role in “X-Files” is phased out
1965     [35] Raul Malo, Miami FL, country singer (Mavericks-“To Be With You”, “Here Comes the Rain”)
1975    [25] Charlize Theron, Benoni S AFRICA, film actress (“The Cider House Rules”, “Mighty Joe Young”, “The Devil’s Advocate”)  FACTOID: She’ll next star in the romantic comedy “Sweet Home Alabama” and in Woody Allen’s next movie.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Happy holiday to some of you! The first Monday of August is “Civic Holiday” in Manitoba, Saskatchewan, New Brunswick, Ontario & Northwest Territories. It’s “Simcoe Day” in Toronto, “BC Day” in British Columbia, and “Heritage Day” in Alberta. For everybody else, it’s — Monday.

TODAY-Saturday “Chocolate Fest 2000″ is on in St Stephen NB, reputedly where the chocolate bar was invented. Chocolate meals and ‘Choctail Hours’ are highlights.
PHONER: 506-465-5616
NET: http://www.brunnet.net/pcsolutions/ganong/history2000.html

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1995    [05] 27-year-old Anna Nicole Smith wears low-cut, side-slit white gown to funeral of 90-year-old husband, oil tycoon J Howard Marshall (she’s STILL trying to claim her share of his estate)
1999    [01] “The Sixth Sense” tops the movie box office

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1888     [112] 1st ‘revolving door’ invented by Theophilus Van Kannel of Philadelphia
1993    [07] 1st time Buckingham Palace opens for public tours

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night
[Wed] UN International Day of Indigenous People
Don’t Wait — Celebrate Week
National Sandwich Month (what’s the weirdest sandwich you ever made?)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
Q: How many times per month does the average woman have sex?
A: According to a “Mademoiselle” magazine survey, the average woman has sex 8 times per month. A lucky 8% of women polled say they enjoy sex daily. (And sometimes with a partner.)

Q: What do men notice first about a woman’s looks?
A: According to a “Glamour” magazine poll, most men (74%) notice her figure first, followed by her face, and then her hair. No wonder women are always so pre-occupied with those 3 little items.

Q: How old is the average Canadian?
A: According to Statistics Canada, the average age of Canadians is now 37. (Always knew I was above average.)

BS TAG LINE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting she won’t change, but she does.