August 4, 2000 More Popular Than Gervase Edition: #1861
TODAY is the 100th birthday of Britain’s ‘Queen Mother’, the oldest and most popular member of the royal family. To celebrate, she’ll take an open-topped landau carriage ride to Buckingham Palace, where she’ll appear on the balcony to greet well-wishers.
OTHER BS WAYS THE QUEEN MUM IS CELEBRATING:
• Putting on her Union Jack Depends, knocking back a few tequila shooters, and flashing the palace guards.
• Bitch-slapping some sense into that randy bastard Charles.
• Prune juice milkshake for breakfast, spend the rest of the day on Lizzie’s throne.
• Using the festive pink embalming fluid.
• The same way she spent her 39th — huddled in the palace basement, swilling gin and feverishly learning German.
• Enjoying another ostentatious free ride on the cash-strapped backs of the British taxpayers. (Oops, did I say that out loud?)
• Overseeing the festivities like the plucky matron she is, making sure all the extra touches are done just so — and secretly peeing in Camilla’s soup.
(Thanks to input from Chris White)
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY McDonald’s begins selling 3 music compilation CDs, including ‘N Sync and Britney Spears tunes not included on their albums (now when you order at the drive-thru they say, “Do you want leftovers with that?”) . . . Brad Pitt’s former flame, Gwyneth Paltrow, was a no-show at his wedding (geez, who had the lousy etiquette to invite her?) . . . Dominic Chianese, who plays mob boss ‘Uncle Junior’ on “The Sopranos”, is recording his first album (likely to spawn several ‘hits’) . . . Elizabeth Hurley is using a baby pacifier to help her quit smoking (won’t work — damn things are impossible to light!) . . . And here’s a Madonna quote about meeting Prince Charles recently – “I didn’t find him stiff at all!” (no wonder Camilla’s a horse lover).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
In his 22nd film as director and 42nd as a star, Clint Eastwood co-stars with Tommy Lee Jones, James Garner & Donald Sutherland in “Space Cowboys, an action adventure about aging astronauts summoned by NASA to lead a space expedition (aka ‘The Ripe Stuff’ or ‘Geezers in Space’) . . . Relative newcomer Piper Perabo (those lips!) stars in “Coyote Ugly”, a romantic comedy about a girl who goes to NYC to become a songwriter and ends up working at a hot night club where the sexy, resourceful employees purposely get into mischief (LeAnn Rimes, who’s just disclosed she’s had mononucleosis for more than a year, recorded 4 songs for the movie against her doctor’s orders) . . . Kevin Bacon stars as a scientist who discovers a formula for invisibility in the thriller “Hollow Man” (it’s “The Invisible Man”, only with better FX).
EYES IN THE BACK OF HIS HEAD:
Marco Laurello is the star of a European touring circus in which he performs a stunt he learned from his grandfather Angelo – rotating his head a full 360 degrees. That’s right, he can turn it all the way around! He’s hoping to soon showcase his ‘talent’ on a tour of North America. (He’ll be appearing as just one more annoying rubbernecker whenever there’s an accident on [local freeway].)
THE BULL SHEET 08.04.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1900 [100] Britain’s ‘Queen Mother’ Elizabeth (Angela Marguerite Bowes Lyon), Hertfordshire ENG, QE II’s mommy/oldest royal in British history
1929 [71] Yasser Arafat, Jerusalem ISR, Palestinian National Authority president/world’s ugliest man
1944 [56] Richard Belzer, Bridgeport CT, TV actor (Det John Munch-“Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”
1955 [45] Billy Bob Thornton, Hot Springs AR, movie actor/director/writer (“Pushing Tin”, Oscar-“Sling Blade”)/Mr Angelina Jolie
1962 [38] Roger Clemens, Dayton OH, MLB pitcher (NY Yankees, formerly Toronto, Boston) with 4 Cy Young Awards
1971 [29] Jeff Gordon, Pittsboro IN, NASCAR driver (3 championships in 4 years)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1968 [32] Terri Clark, Montréal PQ [raised in Medicine Hat], country singer (“Poor Poor Pitiful Me”, “Better Things to Do”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Two of the country’s largest cultural festivals whoop it up this holiday weekend:
• The 25th annual “Edmonton Heritage Festival” TOMORROW-Monday.
PHONER: 403-433-3378
NET: http://www.heritagefestival.org/
• Winnipeg’s “Folklorama” SUNDAY-August 19th, with over 35 international pavilions.
PHONER: 800-665-0234/204-982-6210
NET: http://www.folklorama.ca/
10 YEARS AGO . . .
1990 [10] Mariah Carey’s debut single “Vision Of Love” hits #1 on pop charts
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1693 [307] 1st ‘champagne’ is developed by Dom Perignon of France (The man who caused a billion headaches!)
1777 [223] 1st ‘circus’ is established by former British cavalry officer Philip Astley (Have you noticed trainers now refer to animal ‘tricks’ as ‘behaviors’? As if elephants regularly dance on 2 legs in the wild.)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] National Mustard Day (get plastered!)
[Sun] National Fresh Breath Day (a gentle reminder for [your co-host])
[Sun] Wiggle Your Toes Day (and find out if you’re fit by checking if you can actually see them)
[Mon] Civic Holiday (MB, NB, ON, SK, NT)/Heritage Day (AB)/British Columbia Day (BC)
World Breastfeeding Week
National Salad Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Which was the first nation to grant women the right to vote: Switzerland, New Zealand or Canada?
A: New Zealand, in 1893. (Source: Grolier’s Encyclopedia)
BS TAG LINE:
Smart husband: one who thinks twice before saying nothing.
