August 3, 2000 Owned by CanWest Globull Edition: #1860
LAMEST BS EXCUSES FOR BEING LATE FOR WORK:
• “Sorry I was late but I had to go to the clinic with your daughter. Any other questions Mrs Nosy?”
• “A Lepages truck overturned on the highway, and I got STUCK in traffic.”
• “On my planet, being 2 hours late is a sign of respect!”
• “I was putting my pants on and my head got stuck in the toilet.”
• “You know how crack dealers love to just sit and chat . . .”
• “I’m sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you — uh — this box of TEN donuts.”
• “That keg of beer wasn’t going to just drink itself.”
• “Sorry, but my job interview ran long.”
• “My proctologist got stuck.”
• “I’m sorry sir, but your wife is one hard-to-please woman. How do you handle it?”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
“The Matrix”, starring Keanu Reeves, is now the all-time best-selling DVD, moving over 3 million copies so far (I’m leery of any of this new technology — I’m still waiting to see if stereo catches on) . . . A so-called ‘business conflict’ kept Bruce Willis from appearing at the Republican National Convention as scheduled this week (maybe he’s tired of Bush league politics?) . . . Looks like Britney Spears will do a guest shot on buddy Sarah Michelle Gellar‘s “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” after a deal to appear on “Dawson’s Creek” fell through (“Buffy” producers figure they can afford her fee because of what they’ll save on wardrobe).
MOVIES GETTIN’ MADE:
Shooting has begun in London on “Tomb Raider”, starring Angelina Jolie as the movie version of video game character ‘Lara Croft’ (she’s said to be lonely as hell because new hubby Billy Bob Thornton is scared to death of flying and wouldn’t accompany her) . . . Canadian “Species” star Natasha Henstridge is replacing the injured Courtney Love as head of a search team that discovers a planet full of phantoms in director John Carpenter’s upcoming sci-fi thriller “The Ghost of Mars”.
TRAILER TRASH NORTH:
According to a new Industry Canada study, Canada has a lower standard of living than the poorest regions of the southern US. (Jeff Foxworthy has picked up on the news by starting work on a new album called “You Might Be a Canadian If . . .”)
IZZY’S DIZZY SHOPPING SPREE:
Now that it has chewed up most of the country’s newspapers, Winnipeg-based CanWest Global is considering the acquisition of Canadian sports teams, including the Toronto Blue Jays and Montreal Canadiens. (It’s the only hope for flatlanders to have an NHL team again.)
RED FEATHER CAMPAIGN:
In China they’ve trained a so-called ‘elite force’ of 700,000 chickens and ducks to attack locusts on command. When the fowl army is transported to a trouble spot, a whistle is blown and the ‘troops’ begin to devour every locust in sight. So far it’s worked to rid the Chinese countryside of some 100 million locusts. (And discipline is easy — any ‘soldier’ who gets out of line is beheaded, plucked and eaten!)
THE BULL SHEET 08.03.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1926 [74] Tony Bennett (Bennedetto), Astoria NY, pop/jazz singer (“I Left My Heart in San Francisco”) who was aboard the Concorde forced to land in Newfoundland this week
1940 [60] Martin Sheen (Ramon Estevez), Dayton OH, TV actor (Emmy nominee for ‘President Josiah Bartlet’-“The West Wing”)/movie actor (“Wall Street”, “Apocalypse Now”)/father of actors Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez
1941 [59] Martha Stewart, Jersey City NJ, snooty TV host/author (“Martha Stewart Living”) NOTE: She’s now involved in producing a series of music and sound albums for entertaining, the first being “Martha Stewart Living’s Spooky Scary Sounds for Halloween” coming this fall
1963 [37] James Hetfield, heavy metal singer/guitarist (Metallica-“Hero of the Day” “The Unforgiven”) who’s leading recording artists in protesting free Napster music downloads
1966 [34] Dean Sams, Garland TX, country singer/keyboardist (Lonestar-“What About Now”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
“Canada’s National Ukrainian Festival” TOMORROW -Sunday will draw thousands to Dauphin MB. Ukrainian greeting or toast — ‘DOH BRAY DANE’! So what’s the proper way to cook a perogy?
PHONER: 204-622-4600
NET: http://www.infoukes.com/Canadas_National_Ukrainian_Festival/
The annual “World Championship Bunnock Championship” goes TOMORROW-Sunday in Macklin SK. Bunnock teams attempt to knock down the opposition’s horse ankle bones with heavier horse bones called ‘throwers’. Some 150 teams will vie for 20 grand in prizes!
PHONER: 306-753-2256
NET: http://www3.sk.sympatico.ca/macklin/bone.htm
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999 [01] Santana releases award-winning “Smooth” single
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1933 [67] 1st ‘Mickey Mouse Watch’ ($2.75)
1949 [51] Basketball Association of America & National Basketball League merge to form ‘NBA’
1975 [25] Home version of pioneering video game ‘Pong’ released by Atari Corp
Get Pong SFX here: http://www.tintagel.net/resources/Multimedia/Audio/Beeps/
Play game on the ‘Net here: http://www.angelcities.com/members/gamemania/pong1.html
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1983 [17] John Sain builds 3.91 metre-high (12-ft) house of cards (South Bend IN)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Queen Mother’s 100th Birthday
[Mon] Civic Holiday (MB, NB, ON, SK, NT)/Heritage Day (AB)/BC Day (BC)
National Video Game Week
Medic Alert Awareness Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS BRAIN BUSTERS:
• The hardware store clerk tells you ONE costs a dollar and the cost of TWENTY is $2, and the cost of ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY is just $3. What the heck are you buying? (House numbers.)
• You are surrounded — on one side is a lion, on the other is a tiger, and behind you is a man-eating bear! Where are you? (On a carousel.)
BS TAG LINE: Half of the people in the world are below average.
