Bullseye!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Concert promoter Live Nation’s ‘No Service Fee Wednesday’ promotion is finally offering a real deal, $10 lawn tickets & $15 reserved seats with no service fees for 24 hours only . . . Claire Elisabeth Fields Cruise, the looney who claims she’s the biological mother of Michael Jackson’s kids is now saying she and the late ‘King Of Pop’ conceived Tom Cruise’s 14-year-old adopted son, Connor Cruise (immaculate conception?) . . . An attorney for 22-year-old “Twilight” actress Ashley Greene is threatening to sue anyone who posts a series of nude photos of her online (if you don’t want ‘em leaked, don’t make ‘em!) . . . Summer 2009 has become ‘Death Rumor Summer’ on the Internet, the latest victim being magician Criss Angel after the season premiere of “Mindfreak” (A&E) showed him drive off a cliff, handcuffed to a car full of explosives (he’s not dead; his career maybe, but not him) . . . The upcoming “Sex & The City” movie sequel has been denied permission to film in the conservative UAE city of Dubai, forcing producers to find a new shooting location (um, doesn’t ‘The City’ refer to New York?) . . . A plan to stage a pair of Michael Jackson tribute concerts at London’s O2 Arena, the first scheduled for his birthday August 29th, has now been scrapped after promoter AEG Live failed to attract enough big-name performers (reportedly only Justin Timberlake & Leona Lewis) . . . And friends of 23-year-old actress Mischa Barton (“True Beauty”) are worried that she’s been out partying again, just days after involuntary psychiatric treatment at LA’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center (seems no one can sway her from her belief that things go better with coke).
TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Bonnie Hunt Show” (syndicated/CityTV) – Darius Rucker (“Learn to Live”).
• “The Hour” (CBC) – Moby (“Wait For Me”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Chester French (“She Loves Everybody”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Green Day (“21st Century Breakdown”).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Holly Williams (“Here With Me”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Kitty, Daisy & Lewis (“Baby Hold Me Tight”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Rob Thomas (“Cradlesong”).
• “TV’s 50 Funniest Phrases” (NBC) – Counting down the 50 funniest catchphrases said on TV.
• “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” (ABC/CityTV) – Lauren Conrad plays for charity.
BS BUZZWORDS:
New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Flashpacker’ – Modern young backpackers who, in addition to traditional items like unlaundered underwear and tattered guidebooks, schlep techno-gadgetry such as laptops and BlackBerrys around-the-world. (The #1 requirement for flashpackers … a hostel with wi-fi.)
• ‘Poorism’ – Deliberately visiting slums and sleeping in appalling conditions in order to experience ‘reality’ and be able to brag about it later. (“MC Hammer doesn’t know squat about poor … I spent a night in the slums of Mumbai before flying home first class.”)
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Beyoncé – Word is she called her mother in a panic after being caught in an earthquake measuring 6.6 on the Richter scale that hit Japan Tuesday morning. Her sister Solange apparently slept through it. They were in Tokyo to promote a clothing line.
• Bob Dylan – “The Bob Dylan Show”, featuring John Mellencamp & Willie Nelson, had to be cancelled in Glendale AZ Tuesday due to extreme heat … 110 F (43 C).
• Brooks & Dunn – The best-selling country duo of Kix Brooks (54) & Ronnie Dunn (56) have announced they’ll ‘call it a day’ after 20 years, 23 #1 hits, and 10 studio albums that sold over 30 million units. They’ll release a greatest hits collection September 8th and tour one last time in 2010.
• Carrie Underwood – She’ll be inducted into the Oklahoma Music Hall of Fame on September 17th in Muskogee OK.
• Green Day – They marked the departure of the Kaiser Chiefs from their ongoing North American tour by hiring a brass band to invade the stage during their set in New Orleans LA, then ‘TPing’ (toilet papering) the entire UK group and all their instruments live on stage.
• Lady GaGa – PETA is trying to persuade her to strip for them in their ‘Rather Go Naked than Wear Fur’ ad campaign. The idea is to have the “Poker Face” singer pictured covering herself only with a few playing cards.
• MC Hammer – The one-time chart-topper launched the reality TV show “Hammertime” (A&E) in June in an attempt to get his career back on track but now he’s in deep doo-doo again: the IRS claims he owes over $600,000 in unpaid taxes, and his cousin & TV co-star Bigg Marv has been charged with the sexual assault of a woman he met on Twitter.
• Paul McCartney – According to US copyright law, he may finally regain The Beatles catalogue that was bought up by Michael Jackson …. 9 years from now. He’ll be 76.
• Pearl Jam – They’ve added more tour dates to their fall tour of North America: Vancouver BC on September 25th, Portland OR September 26th, and Salt Lake City UT September 28th.
• Snow Patrol – Frontman Gary Lightbody has been hospitalized in Dettenheim, Germany with a broken rib after crashing … a go-kart. The group was unwinding after a concert by “Chasing Cars” on a local go-kart track.
NEW BS GIZMOS & GADGETS:
• Inventor Paul Patone has invented a fuel delivery system that can turn carbonated soft drinks into a usable fuel … he prefers Mountain Dew. The ‘Geet Sytstem’ is a fuel booster that can connect to any engine, whether gas, diesel, even a jet turbine. The complex pipe system vaporizes the fuel before it reaches the engine and creates zero pollution. There may be a bit of a wait though … Patone hasn’t yet invented the engine, just the fuel delivery system.
– Neatorama.com
• If you’re visually impaired, it can be hard to fill a mug (or any other vessel) without spilling over the edge. Dipping in a pinkie to measure the level is okay for cold stuff, but what about scalding hot coffee? The new ‘Braun Bell Mug’ automatically beeps when it reaches each of 3 different levels so the user knows how much liquid has been poured without making a mess.
– YankoDesign.com
WACKY WORLD OF BS:
• Norwalk CT – A 56-year-old woman who was honored at a 2008 dinner as the so-called Connecticut Nursing Association’s “Nurse Of the Year”, has now been charged with … pretending to be a nurse. Furthermore, it seems the association does not exist either; and, according to the arrest warrant, Betty Lichtenstein spent more than $2,000 of her own money to stage the award dinner. (You can say she’s not enterprising!)
– HuffingtonPost.com
• Tel Aviv, Israel – An Israeli woman has spent $32,000 to book the entire business-class cabin of an El Al flight from Paris, France so that … her dog could fly with her. The obviously well-heeled passenger says she couldn’t bear the thought of her 8-year-old boxer being placed in a cage in the cargo hold for the duration of the flight. (See, it really IS possible to have too much money.)
– UPI
• Houston TX – An obese inmate has been charged with possession of a firearm in a correctional facility after officials learned he had a gun … hidden under flaps of his flabby flesh. 25-year-old George Vera allegedly bragged about the unloaded 9-mm pistol to a guard at the Harris County Jail. (A subsequent search also unearthed 3 missing prisoners.)
– “Houston Chronicle”
MOBILE PHONE MAXIMUMS:
Highest & lowest cellphone costs according to a new study by the Organization for Economic Co-operation & Development, based on medium usage (780 calls, 600 text messages, 8 video messages per month) …
MOST EXPENSIVE:
3. Canada
2. Spain
1. United States
(Each spend more than $500 per year on average.)
LEAST EXPENSIVE:
3. Sweden
2. Netherlands
1. Finland
(Each spend less than $200 per year on average.)
– “Globe & Mail”
SCIENTISTS SAY:
A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … the blue food dye used in M&Ms may help spinal cord injuries. Researchers report that the common and safe food dye might provide the best treatment available so far. (Who would have thought a medical cure would be found at the movie theater snack bar?)
– Fox News
• Scientists say … taking a nap at work is good for your boss. That’s because a 20-minute nap can improve employees’ overall alertness, boost their mood, and increase productivity. The post-nap boost can last for several hours. (Or at least until it’s time for your after-lunch nap.)
– “China Daily”
• Scientists say … bowhead whales sing sophisticated songs that change every year like human pop music. University of Copenhagen researchers think they use their songs to attract mates. (Sorta like Motley Crue.)
– “New Zealand Herald”
BS AMAZING FACT:
There are currently about 1.2 billion humans between the ages of 10-and-19. Some demographers think this so-called ‘youth bulge’ could constitute the largest single generation that will ever exist. (What should we call this generation?)
– “New York Times”
AND WE QUOTE:
“My husband and I always make time for sex! Always! No matter how busy we are. And if I told you the places! You would not even believe! It’s crazy the risks that we take, but that’s what keeps it so much fun.”
– Mrs Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith, blabbing about her sex life again, this time in “Redbook” magazine. (She’s obviously unfamiliar with the word ‘shut-up’.)
BS CHRONOMETER 08.12.09
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1949 [60] Mark Knopfler, Glasgow, Scotland, classic rock singer/guitarist (Dire Straits-“Money For Nothing”, “Sultans of Swing”)
1956 [53] Bruce Greenwood, Noranda QC, movie actor (‘Captain Christopher Pike’ in “Star Trek”, “National Treasure: Book of Secrets”)
1965 [44] Peter Krause, Alexandria MN, TV actor (“Dirty Sexy Money” 2007-09, “Six Feet Under” 2001-05)
1975 [34] Casey Affleck, Falmouth MA, movie actor (“Gone Baby Gone”, “Ocean’s 11-13”) who often collaborates with brother Ben Affleck and/or pal Matt Damon on projects
TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “International Youth Day”, a United Nations observance since 1999 to draw attention to youth issues worldwide. (Acne?)
• “Middle Children’s Day”, a salute to middle-born children whose childhood activities were limited by always being ‘too young’ or ‘too old’. (Ah, ya whiners!)
• “Perseid Meteor Shower”, the annual sky show of ‘shooting stars’ reaches its 2009 peak of 60 or so per hour. They are primarily visible in the Northern Hemisphere.
NET: http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2009/31jul_perseids2009.htm
• “Vinyl Record Day”, celebrated annually on the earliest of several possible dates in 1877 on which Thomas Edison may have invented the phonograph. The purpose is to encourage the preservation of the recordings, the cover art, and the cultural influence of vinyl records. Do they really sound ‘warmer’ as aficionados claim?
NET: http://vinylrecordday.org
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1929 [80] Walt Disney is granted a trademark for the use of the image of ‘Mickey Mouse’ in motion pictures
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1994 [15] “Woodstock ’94” opens in Saugerties NY (25 years after the original “Woodstock”)
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1954 [55] 1st issue of “Sports Illustrated” (the ‘Wool Swimsuit-to-Your-Ankles Edition’)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1978 [31] Arron Marshall completes record ‘Longest Shower’ … 336 hours!
COMING UP . . .
[Thurs] International Left Handers Day
[Thurs] Filet Mignon Day
[Fri] “Bandslam”; “District 9”; “Ponyo”; “The Time Traveler’s Wife” open in movie theaters
[Sat] Best Friends Day
[Sat] Homeless Animals Day
[Sat] Sandcastle & Sand Sculpture Day
[Mon] Thrift Shop Day
This Week Is … Assistance Dog Week
This Month Is … Get Ready For Kindergarten Month
BULL’S BITS
WHAT YOUR EMPLOYEE NAME BADGE SAYS ABOUT YOU:
• SEWN-ON NAME PATCH …
What You Think It Says: I’m a workin’ man. I get down and dirty. That’s ‘Man Work’.
What It Really Says: My employer doesn’t think I’m competent enough to not lose a name badge, so they sew it on my shirt.
• BADGE ON A LANYARD …
What You Think It Says: I’m so busy that I don’t have time to keep track of something as insignificant as a name badge.
What It Really Says: As soon as I get your computer fixed, there’s a good chance that I’m gonna try to hang myself with this thing in the restroom … and I will fail.
• SHINY METAL BADGE …
What You Think It Says: I am somehow involved in law enforcement and this badge commands respect and signifies my authority.
What It Really Says: You’s ’bout ta get tazed, mutha!
• ‘HELLO MY NAME IS’ STICKER BADGE …
What You Think It Says: This is my first day on the job so I haven’t got a permanent badge yet, but once I do I’m gonna take this company by storm!
What It Really Says: Temp.
• RECTANGLE PIN-ON BADGE …
What You Think It Says: Everybody that works here wears a name badge just like this because it’s part of the team uniform.
What It Really Says: You want the value meal, or just the sandwich?
• NO BADGE AT ALL …
What You Think It Says: I’m so important I don’t have to wear a stinking badge.
What It Really Says: There’s a 50% chance I’m unemployed.
– HolyTaco.com
BS RANDOM JOKE:
It’s always interesting to see what receipts are in your pocket the morning after margaritas.
BS PHONE STARTER:
What’s your favorite food? Where’s your favorite place to eat it?
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Teens used to do THIS constantly; nowadays less than half do it every day.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Eat dinner with the family.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Don’t waste the whole day … laugh at least once.
