BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
✶ Freshly-rehabbed actress Lindsay Lohan has landed her first acting role since leaving  California’s Cliffside Malibu Center last month. She’s in Wilmington, North Carolina this week filming a wedding scene for a guest role on Danny McBride’s HBO-TV comedy series “Eastbound & Down”. Lohan is apparently playing the daughter of one of the main characters. The show’s 4th and final season debuts September 29th.
– E! News
✶ 42-year-old actress Sandra Oh is leaving “Grey’s Anatomy” (ABC) on which she’s played ‘Dr Cristina Yang’ since the series began in 2005. She was 1 of the original 6 cast members and has won a Golden Globe and received 5 Emmy nominations for the role. Oh told her co-stars about her decision this week during a reading for the 200th episode. It has not yet been revealed how she will be written out of the show at the end of its upcoming 10th season.
– “Hollywood Reporter”
✶ In a new interview with “Elle” magazine, Amber Heard openly discusses her bisexuality. The 27-year-old actress, who now dates actor Johnny Depp, first came out in 2010. She says she consistently flouts stereotypes and is proud about her life not quite fitting the template. And that philosophy infuses her movie roles, from “Paranoia” (opening today), to “Machete Kills” (October) to “Three Days to Kill” (2014).
– ContactMusic.com
✶ Are Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odom in trouble? Attorney Polina Polonsky says they are, claiming she’s the woman the NBA star cheated with this Summer. Polonsky says she met Lamar the night of Kim Kardashian’s baby shower and they carried on a 6-week affair behind Khloe’s back. Another alleged mistress, Jennifer Richardson, says the Kardashians hired a private detective earlier this year to follow her for weeks. So far, Khloe has been mum about all this on Twitter … for a change.
– “Star Magazine”

WEEKEND SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC/CityTV) – Sunday 12 ore hopefuls perform. Rerun.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Today Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (“The Heist”). Rerun.
• “George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight” (CBC) – Billy Ray Cyrus (“Change My Mind”).
• “Good Morning America” (ABC) – This morning Macklemore & Ryan Lewis perform.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Tonight Michael Kiwanuka (“Home Again”). Rerun.
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Tonight Steven Tyler (Aerosmith). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Justin Timberlake week wraps (“The 20/20 Experience”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Tonight Ra Ra Riot (“Beta Love”). Rerun.
• “Marilyn Denis Show” (CTV/CTV2) – Today Irish pop twins Jedward perform “Lipstick”.
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Today Backstreet Boys (“In a World Like This”).
• “Today Show” (NBC) – Today Luke Bryan (“Crash My Party”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Selena Gomez (“Stars Dance”). Rerun.
• V Festival (Chelmsford UK) – Saturday-Sunday performers include Beyoncé, Emeli Sandé, Kings Of Leon, and The Script among a slew of others.
NET: http://www.vfestival.com
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Today Lenny Kravitz (“Lee Daniels’ The Butler”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Chris Young – The “Aw Naw” country singer has had to cancel gigs this week in Montana, British Columbia, and Oregon after being laid up in a Denver-area hospital with a mysterious leg infection. He’s expected to resume touring next Wednesday in Redding, California.
• The Civil Wars – The duo may not be touring or even speaking due to “internal discord and irreconcilable differences of ambition”, but their self-titled 2nd studio album is the top seller on the new “Billboard” chart. It’s easily the best sales week of their career.
• Eminem – After headlining Belgium’s Pukkelpop Festival last night, he moves on to perform at Slane Castle in Ireland on Saturday and in Glasgow, Scotland and Paris, France next week. His new track, “Survival”, will appear in the upcoming videogame “Call Of Duty: Ghosts”.
• Ke$ha – Her 140-piece Charles Albert jewelry line, ‘Kesha Rose’, includes many items that incorporate a phallic motif as well as some in the shape of teeth, molded after real ones sent in by fans. Creepy.
• Lady Gaga – She’s featured in a revealing photo-spread and candid interview in the upcoming issue of fashion magazine “V” as she cranks up the hype for her new album “ARTPOP”, out November 11th.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Jobs” ( PG-13 Bio-Drama ): The story of Steve Jobs’ ascension from college dropout to Apple co-founder to one of the most revered entrepreneurs of the 20th century. Ashton Kutcher followed a fruitarian diet to prepare for his lead role as the late Apple CEO. Co-stars Josh Gad (as Steve Wozniak), JK Simmons, Dermot Mulroney. Made on the cheap for just $8.5 million.
NET: http://jobsthefilm.com
• “Kick-Ass 2” ( R-Rated Action Comedy ): The masked high-school hero joins a group of regular citizens who’ve been inspired to also fight crime in costume just as ‘Red Mist’ plots an act of revenge. Stars Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Chloe Grace Moretz, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, and Jim Carrey … who’s already trashed it for excess violence. The guy finally gets a gig and …
NET: http://www.kickass-themovie.com/splashpage/index.php
• “Lee Daniels’ The Butler” ( PG-13 Bio-Drama ): Director Lee Daniels (“Precious”) directs Forest Whitaker in this eyewitness account of notable 20th century events that occurred during a butler’s long tenure as a White House servant. Co-stars David Oyelowo, Lenny Kravitz, John Cusack, and Terrence Howard, who has a sex scene with Oprah Winfrey. Wait … what?
NET: http://www.weinsteinco.com/sites/leedanielsthebutler/
• “Paranoia” ( PG-13 Thriller ): An entry-level employee at a powerful corporation finds himself occupying a corner office, but at a dangerous price … he must spy on his boss’ old mentor in order to secure him a multi-billion dollar advantage. Stars Liam Hemsworth, Gary Oldman, Amber Heard, Harrison Ford.
NET: http://paranoiamovie.com
• Opening in limited release: “Ain’t Them Bodies Saints” (Drama); “Austenland” (Romantic Comedy); and “Cutie & The Boxer” (Documentary).

WHAT YOUR SELFIES SAY ABOUT YOU:
Rihanna isn’t shy about sharing Instagram pics; neither is the Biebs. But sharing too many selfies on social networks can damage relationships. That’s the bottom line of a new study by UK researchers at Birmingham Business School. They’ve found that people who post a lot of photos online run the risk of alienating friends, family members, and colleagues. Thanks to better phone technology, selfie-sharing isn’t likely to go away. But it’s suggested that saving self-portraits for special occasions will give them more impact. (“Dear friends, here are some pics of my ‘first time’ …”)
– NYDailyNews.com

WILL THAT BE ONE HUMP OR TWO?
Costa Coffee shops in the United Arab Emirates are now offering camel milk as an alternative to cow’s milk. The UK-based chain is the first international coffee shop to do so, leading a revival of the Bedouin tradition which had been gradually displaced by the introduction of Western cow’s milk. Protein-rich camel’s milk contains up to 50% less fat, is high in vitamin C and calcium, and is ideal for those who are lactose intolerant. It’s also said to be the closest animal-milk substitute to human mother’s milk. Costa Coffee has also developed a new Strawberry Camel Milk Cooler, a blend of fresh camel milk, strawberry, and vanilla. (Why do we drink other animals’ milk at all? Its weird!)
– AFP

MORE SEX ON CAMPUS TODAY? NOT REALLY:
So-called ‘Hookup Culture’ may be overrated as part of contemporary campus life, according to a new study from Oregon’s University of Portland. Young adults today aren’t having any more sex on campus than students did 25 years ago. What IS different is that they’re having more casual relationships. Today’s students are less likely to have a spouse or regular partner but instances of sexual relations with a date or casual pickup are up about 10% from the 80s, and ‘friends with benefits’-type relationships are up 13%. (Marriage = friends with benefits, no?)
– “USA Today”

TOP EARNING AUTHORS 2013:
A new ranking based on writers’ total income over the past year …
5. Danielle Steel (128 titles, mostly romances, over a 40-year career) … $26 million.
4. Bill O’Reilly (“Killing Lincoln”, “Killing Kennedy”) … $28 million.
3. Suzanne Collins (“The Hunger Games” series) … $55 million.
2. James Patterson (prolific author responsible for 1-in-17 hardcover sales) … $91 million.
1. EL James (“50 Shades of Grey” trilogy) … $95 million.
– Forbes.com

STRANGE BREW:
Pat’s Backcountry Beverages, a brewing company in Alaska, has created a just-add-water beer concentrate. Each beer packet makes a single 16-oz pint. You just pour it into a bottle-shaped carbonation system and add water. A special powder in the mix produces CO2 bubbles to transform the brew from flat to bubbly. The product comes in 2 flavors: Pail Rail and Black IPA. Both are made from barley, hops and yeast, and are said to produce the flavor equivalent of a premium microbrew. The instant beer is slated to launch in September and will cost about $9.95 for a 4-pack. (Now you can carry a case of 24 in your back pocket!)
– Dvice.com

BS AMAZING DOLPHIN FACTS:
• Dolphins only respond when addressed by name. (Unfortunately, most are named ‘Ack Ack Ack Ack’.)
– Magazine Monitor
• Dolphins recognize each other after decades apart. (“Is that you, Flipper? I knew you by your raggedy air-hole!”)
– Salon.com

BS CHRONOMETER 08.16.13

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1954 [59] James Cameron, Kapuskasing ON, movie director-producer-writer (all-time box office champs “Avatar” $2.78 billion; and “Titanic” $2.19 billion)/3 Academy Awards (“Titanic”)

1958 [55] Madonna (Ciccone), Bay City MI, pop singer (“Hung Up”, “Take a Bow”)/movie director (“WE”)/film actress (“Die Another Day”)/Mrs Guy Ritchie 2000-08; Mrs Sean Penn (1985-89)

1962 [51] Steve Carell, Concord MA, movie actor (“Despicable Me” movies, “The 40 Year Old Virgin”)/TV actor (“The Office” 2005-11)  UP NEXT: “Anchorman: The Legend Continues”, opening December 20th.

1972 [41] Emily Robison (Erwin), Pittsfield MA, country singer (Court Yard Hounds-“The Coast”; Dixie Chicks-“Wide Open Spaces”)

1972 [41] George Stroumboulopoulos, Mississauga ON, TV personality (“Stroumboulopoulos on CNN” 2013, “George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight” since 2005, former MuchMusic VJ 2000-04)

SATURDAY –
Movie actor Robert De Niro (“The Godfather II”) is 70; Movie actor Sean Penn (“Milk”) is 53; Pop singer Donnie Wahlberg (New Kids On the Block) is 44; TV actor Mark Salling (“Glee”) is 31; Indie rock singer Matthew Shultz (Cage the Elephant) is 26.

SUNDAY –
Movie director Roman Polanski (“The Pianist”) is 80; Movie actor-director Robert Redford (“Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid”) is 77; Comedian-actor Denis Leary (“Ice Age”) is 56; TV-movie actor Christian Slater (“Breaking In”) is 44; Movie actor Edward Norton (“Incredible Hulk”) is 44; Rock musician Régine Chassagne (Arcade Fire) is 36; Comedian-actor Andy Samberg (“Saturday Night Live”) is 35; Celebrity offspring Frances Bean Cobain is 21.

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Canadian National Exhibition” through September 2nd, a late summer tradition in Toronto since 1879. This year’s schedule includes Beach Boys, New Pornographers, Proclaimers, Theory Of a Deadman, and the 64th annual Canadian International Air Show.
NET: http://www.theex.com
• “Hug Your Boss Day”, because you weren’t already feeling tense enough around him/her.
• “Little League Baseball World Series”, the 67th annual tournament for young ball players in South Williamsport, Pennsylvania. The Championship Game airs August 25th on ABC-TV. Representing Canada: East Nepean Eagles.
NET: http://www.littleleague.org
• “Men’s Grooming Day”, when participating salons and barbershops host a day of special events for men.
• “Winnie’s Hometown Festival”, the 25th annual through Sunday in White River, Ontario to celebrate local-bear-made-good, ‘Winnie-the-Pooh’. A highlight is the annual Pooh Parade.
NET: http://tinyurl.com/klshedn

SATURDAY –
• “Archeology Day” … can you dig it?
• “International Homeless Animals Day”, observed on the 3rd Saturday of August every year.
• “Pacific National Exhibition”, the 103rd edition in Vancouver through September 2nd. This year’s entertainment includes Beach Boys, Jacksons, Loverboy, Martina McBride, Melissa Etheridge, and Sam Roberts Band.
NET: http://www.pne.ca
• “Thriftshop Day”, a big day for Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. What’s the best deal you ever scored in one when you only had twenty dollars in your pocket?

SUNDAY –
• “Bad Poetry Day”, a day to compose some really rotten rhyme as revenge against all that ‘good poetry’ you were forced to study in school.
• “Long Tan Day” in Australia. Nope, nothing to do with lying about in the sun, it’s named after the Battle of Long Tan during the Vietnam War (aka ‘Australian Vietnam Veterans’ Day’).

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1983 [30] Singer Paul Simon marries “Star Wars” actress Carrie Fisher in NYC (lasts 2 years)

1985 [28] Madonna weds actor Sean Penn in Malibu, California (she wears a leather teddy; he wears boxing gloves)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1977 [36] Elvis Presley is found dead at age 42, lying on the floor of a bathroom in his Memphis TN Graceland mansion, after suffering cardiac arrhythmia

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
2010 [03] China overtakes Japan as the world’s 2nd-biggest economy (after USA … for now)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1984 [29] Janet Harris sets a world record in Selsey, England by eating 7,175 green peas in an hour … one at-a-time … using chopsticks

COMING UP . . .
[Mon] Aviation Day
[Mon] World Humanitarian Day
[Mon] Cupcake Day
[Tues] Full ‘Sturgeon’ Moon
[Tues] World Mosquito Day
[Wed] Poets Day
This Week Is … Reduce the Clutter Week
This Month Is … Panini Month

BULL’S BITS

Today is “Tell-A-Joke Day”, commemorating British comic actor Josias Miller, a popular favorite in London who died on this date in 1738. Yeah, so what? It’s a good excuse to review the …
BS RULES FOR TELLING A JOKE:
• Before you open your mouth, know your joke. Even if you’re ad-libbing, you must have a clear idea of where you’re headed.
• Know your audience. All jokes are not appropriate for all gatherings.
• Do not ask permission to tell a joke. Surprise is crucial.
• Do not tell everyone how funny your joke is beforehand.
• There must be ample set-up to the joke, providing the pertinent details the audience needs to know.
• There must be a punchline or strong conclusion.
• Avoid detours. As a rule, jokes work best in a straight line.
• Commit to your joke. Once you begin, follow through to the end.
– Adapted from “Your Humor Guide”

BS RANDOM JOKE:
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
Using a piece of shower curtain and other materials, what did New Yorker Marion Donovan invent in 1951?
a. Disposable diapers. [CORRECT. The world’s landfills thank you, dear.]
b. Bathing cap.
c. Flip-flops.
– Wikipedia.org

BS PHONE STARTER:
☎ TV game shows seem to be making a comeback. Which party game would be fun to watch celebs play on TV? (Maybe “Cards Against Humanity”, “Mario Party”, “Quarters”, or “Who’s In My Mouth?”)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Question: More than half of mothers say if they did THIS, they would be better moms.
Answer: Got more sleep.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know … only more so.