Wednesday, August 21, 2019        Edition: #6514

Sheet Happens!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
★ Dwayne Johnson is a married Rock. He and his girlfriend Lauren Hashian, who have been together for 12 years, tied the knot in a secret ceremony in Hawaii Sunday. Johnson and Hashian, who share two daughters: three-year-old Jasmine and one-year-old Tiana, 1, first met in 2006 while he was filming “The Game Plan”. It’s thought they started dating in 2007.
-MSN
★ ABC is reportedly seriously courting Katey Sagal to return for a significant Season 2 stint on “The Conners”. The “Married With Children” vet would reprise her Season 1 guest-star role of Louise, a former high school friend of Dan and Roseanne’s who left Lanford to pursue a career in music. Now back in town and tending bar at Casa Bonita, Louise made a play for Dan in last season’s 8th episode, but at that time, he rebuffed her advances. A rep for the network declined to comment.
-TVLine
★ “The Bachelorette” favorite Hannah Brown’s TV run isn’t over just yet. She’s reportedly joining the cast of “Dancing With The Stars” for season 28. The popular dance show teased their first contestant for their new show on Instagram, sharing a photo of a woman from the neck down with the caption, “We’d LOVE to tell you who this is… But we’re going to make you wait a few more days. Any guesses?” From there, it didn’t take long for Bachelor Nation to guess that Brown was the contestant, with some fans pointing out that she has the same birth marks as the woman in the photo.
-TheBlast
★ James Corden will stick around on “The Late Late Show” for three more years. The late-night host and frequent Tony Awards host has signed a new contract through August 2022. Corden first took over “The Late Late Show” in 2015 from Craig Ferguson. His tenure has been well received and he gained fame for his segments “Carpool Karaoke,” “Crosswalk the Musical,” and “Drop the Mic,” some of which have been turned into their own TV series.
(So that business about moving his family to England was just a negotiating tactic?)
-TheWrap

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/Global): Donald Glover, D’Arcy Carden, Beth Stelling (R)
• “The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV): Selena Gomez, Elaine Welteroth, Goldlink featuring Maleek Berry (R)
• “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global): John Oliver, Joe Namath (R)
• “Late Night with Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV): Cory Booker, Fred Savage, Kane Brown (R)
• “The Late Late Show with James Corden” (CBS/CTV): Ian McKellen, Louis Tomlinson, Simon Pegg (R)
• “Lights Out with David Spade” (COMEDY): Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer, Nikki Glaser
• “Conan” (TBS): Jane Lynch
• “Watch What Happens Live” (Bravo): Craig Conover, Austen Kroll (R)
• “The View” (ABC/CTV): E.L. James (R)
• “The Talk” (CBS): Jon Cryer, Nischelle Turner (R)
• “Live with Kelly and Ryan” (ABC/CTV): Kevin Hart, Naomi Scott
• “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (NBC/CTV): Jennifer Aniston, Ayesha Curry (R)
• “America’s Got Talent” (NBC): Seven acts from last night’s show move on to the semifinals round of competition.
• “Ghost Hunters” (A&E): The long-running Syfy series moves to A&E for its first batch of new episodes in three years.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Taylor Swift — is reportedly planning to buy a $43 million home in London. She and her British boyfriend Joe Alwyn are believed to be hoping to live together in the English capital. An insider says that “She’s the happiest she’s ever been.”
• Billie Eilish – her song ‘Bad Guy’ has taken over the top spot on the Billboard Hot 100. That ends the reign of the longest-leading Hot 100 chart topper of all time, Lil Nas X’s ‘Old Town Road’, featuring Billy Ray Cyrus, which spent 19 weeks at #1. On Monday, Lil Nas X tweeted: “congratulations to billie eilish!! u deserve this!!”
• Sheryl Crow – says she saw some “strange things” when she joined Michael Jackson on tour. Quote: “I haven’t seen the (“Neverland”) documentary and I don’t want to see it. I was around for some things that I thought were really strange and I had a lot of questions about.” She didn’t go into further details.
• The Offspring and Sum 41 – have announced a co-headlining tour of Canada, which launches on Nov. 12 at the Scotiabank Centre in Halifax, Nova Scotia. There are 14 stops scheduled across the country through Dec. 2 in Kamloops, BC.
• Triumph – a documentary called “Triumph: Lay it on the Line” is currently in production. Banger Films, in association with Revolver Films and Bell Media’s streaming service Crave are asking fans to come to a special event in November that will be filmed for the documentary. It is slated for release next year.
• Neil Young and Crazy Horse – will release a new album called “COLORADO” in October. The album will arrive with a documentary about the making of the album, titled “Mountaintop Sessions”. The first single, ‘Rainbow Of Colors’ comes out next month.
• David Hasselhoff – his new album “Open Your Eyes” will include covers of Neil Diamond’s ‘Sweet Caroline’ and David Bowie’s ‘Heroes’. It comes out September 27th.
• Jason Aldean — will return to Las Vegas for a three-night concert series. “Jason Aldean: Ride All Night Vegas” will launch on Dec. 6 and include three consecutive nights at Park Theatre at Park MGM.
• Carrie Underwood – will co-host the 2019 Country Music Association Awards with Reba McEntire and Dolly Parton. Underwood has hosted the ceremony with Brad Paisley for the past 11 years. The 53rd annual CMAs will be broadcast live on ABC from the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville on November 13.
• Kiefer Sutherland — has had to cancel some concerts due to injury. The actor, who also sings, shared with his Instagram followers that, “Sadly I slipped on the steps of the bus while travelling to Denmark and seriously injured a rib, making it difficult to breathe and impossible to sing.”

MARS-X?
Billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk has once again called for Mars to be blasted with nuclear weapons. What’s his problem with the red planet? Nothing, really. He says that doing so would help make Mars habitable for humans. The SpaceX boss first shared his idea in 2014, claiming that by detonating nuclear bombs at its poles, the ice caps would melt and the planet would heat up enough for humans to comfortably live on it. Now, the SpaceX boss is so “serious” about the idea that his company is selling t-shirts emblazoned with the motto “Nuke Mars”. Part of the plan involves the nuclear bombs freeing up carbon dioxide into the atmosphere so that humans can breathe the air. But a recent study in Nature Astronomy concluded that “terraforming Mars is not possible using present-day technology”. One concern is that the nuclear weapons would throw up massive clouds that would block out sunlight and instead cause the planet to cool down even further.
(It seems like we’re doing a pretty good job of warming this planet without having to nuke anything!)
(I read the story over twice, and still couldn’t find the words “April Fools” anywhere!)
(Nuke Mars? I don’t know how successful his campaign will be, but a thousand teenage punk rock bands just found their name!)
-Independent

BAD JOKES WORSE THAN DAD JOKES:
Humor is a subjective thing. A joke that makes one person spew milk out of their nose might make another stare in cold-faced silence. And I say that as a way of bringing up the joke which has been named the winner at this year’s Edinburgh Festival Fringe. The Fringe is the world’s largest arts festival, and each year, somewhere among the approximately 55,000 performances and shows, they eventually get to naming the year’s best joke. Here’s this year’s winner from festival veteran Olaf Falafel: “I keep randomly shouting out ‘broccoli’ and ‘cauliflower’ – I think I might have florets.” The vegetable pun was deemed the best gag by 2000 voting members of the public, after being shortlisted by an expert panel. If that joke did absolutely nothing to cause your drink to be forcefully evacuated through your nostrils, here are some of the runners-up:
• Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy.
• What’s driving Brexit? From here, it looks like it’s probably the Duke of Edinburgh.
• A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows’.
• A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it.
• Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It’s the reason I get up in the morning.
• I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it.
• After learning 6 hours of semaphore, I was flagging.
• To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian.
• I’ve got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad’s contacts.
-Telegraph, Dave

OTHER USES FOR NAIL POLISH:
➢ Make your remote control buttons glow in the dark:  Use old glow-in-the-dark nail polish to help you find the right button while watching TV in the dark. You can use it to mark keyholes and other hard-to-spot items too.
➢ Mark temperature settings on shower knobs:  Why fiddle with the temperature every morning? Select your ideal settings and mark them. (And a separate mark for when someone runs the washing machine!)
➢ Label your golf balls:  Maybe your golf partner uses the same golf balls. Put a dot of bright polish on yours so you can tell whose ball is who’s. (It wont help you find them, though…)
➢ Tighten loose screws: Keep them in place by brushing a little clear polish on the screw threads, insert the screws and allow to dry before using again. Works on pot handles too.
➢ Seal an envelope: Do you distrust self-sealing envelopes? Brush a little nail polish along the underside of the flap, seal it, and it won’t even open over a tea kettle!
➢ Get rid of a wart:  Cover it with nail polish. The wart should be gone or greatly diminished in one week. (That’s what you want to do: Draw attention to that wart in the middle of your face!)
-ReadersDigest

DID YOU KNOW?
There’s a theme park that puts kids to work. Instead of offering thrill rides, “KidZania” lets children experience being a responsible adult. At locations in over 20 different countries, kids ages 4-14 can walk the paved streets of a kid city, work in a variety of jobs, and use their earnings to buy trinkets in the gift shop or rent electric versions of luxury cars.
-NewYorker

BS CHRONOMETER 08.21.19

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1938 [81] Kenny Rogers, Houston TX, retired country singer (‘The Gambler’, ‘Coward of the County’, ‘Lady’)/Country Music Hall of Fame 2013

1956 [63] Kim Cattrall, Liverpool England, TV actress (‘Samantha Jones’ on “Sex and the City” 1998-2004)

1973 [46] Sergey Brin, Moscow, Russia [grew up Adelphi MD], computer wiz who co-founded Google with Larry Page in 1998/personal net worth estimated at $52.9 billion

1979 [40] Kelis (Rogers), New York City NY, pop singer (‘Milkshake’, ‘Bossy’)

1983 [36] Brody Jenner, Los Angeles CA, reality star (“The Hills” 2007-2010, “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”)

1986 [33] Usain Bolt, Trelawny, Jamaica, retired world’s fastest sprinter (8 Olympic gold medals; 11 World Championship golds)/world 100-meter record (9.58) & 200-meter record (19.19)

1988 [31] Kacey Musgraves, Alba TX, country singer (‘Merry Go ‘Round’, ‘Rainbow’)

1989 [30] Hayden Panettiere, Palisades NY, TV actress (‘Juliette Barnes’ on “Nashville” 2012-18, “Heroes” 2006-09)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Senior Citizens Day”, to recognize and show appreciation for the value and contribution of elders to home, family, and society.  So, make sure you call Grandma and Grandpa today.  Or take them out for dinner…at 4 o’clock!

• “Spumoni Day”, saluting the Italian dessert made from layers of ice cream, whipped cream, candied fruit, and nuts. It is typically made with 3 layers of flavor: Chocolate, Pistachio, Cherry.

• “Poets Day”, poetry is a form of writing that uses the aesthetic and rhythmic qualities of a language, combined with simile and metaphor, to bring out meanings deeper than the mere definition of the words. (And that was a fairly poetic description, don’t you think?)

• “Brazilian Blowout Day”, for those who haven’t tried it, the hair-smoothing process can take it from frizzy and out-of-control to soft and impossibly shiny in just one sitting.

COMING UP . . .
[Thurs] Be an Angel Day
[Thurs] Tooth Fairy Day
[Fri] Buttered Corn Day
[Fri] Daffodil Day

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2009 [10] “Inglourious Basterds”, Quentin Tarantino’s long-in-the-works satire about an American-led WW2 killing squad, opens in movie theaters

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
2015 [04] When the Westboro Baptist Church, famous for their anti-gay demonstrations, stage a protest before a Foo Fighters concert in Kansas City, the band responds by driving a truck in front of the demonstrators and Rickrolling them by blasting Rick Astley’s ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’.

2017 [02] During the historic solar eclipse, Bonnie Tyler sings ‘Total Eclipse of The Heart’ on a cruise ship, while Ozzy Osbourne performs ‘Bark at The Moon’ in Carterville, IL

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
2004 [15] American swimmer Michael Phelps wins his 8th medal of the 2004 Athens Olympics, tying him with Soviet gymnast Aleksandr Dityatin for most medals in a single Olympics (he eventually becomes the most decorated athlete in Olympic history with a total of 28 medals, including 23 golds)

2015 [04] Oldest “message in a bottle” – more than 108 years after it was put in the sea by UK Marine Biological Association, it was announced found on beach in Amrum, Germany

BULL’S BITS

BS WHACK FACTS:
✓ YouTube is the second largest search engine, right after Google. It’s bigger than Bing, Yahoo!, and Ask combined.
✓ Green olives and black olives are not different species. The distinction reflects whether they were picked before or after ripening.
✓ “Hello” didn’t become a greeting until the telephone arrived.
✓ Zippers became popular during the Great Depression, because buttons were considered too costly.
✓ People with unfortunate initials, such as P.I.G. or A.S.S. have significant lower life expectancy, due to psychological stress related to childhood bullying.
✓ A survey found that 1 in 5 employees would sell their work passwords for money.
-WhattheFFacts

Best of BS . . .
BS MY GIRLFRIEND DOESN’T LIKE IT WHEN:
• We arrive at parties dressed the same.
• I check out other girls. And I’m a cashier.
• I introduce her to other women as my roommate.
• I’m her boyfriend.  Which could explain why she left six months ago…
• I give her commands. But that’s how Alexa works.
• I bring my wife along.
• I ask her to calm down.
• I call her “The One Who Wouldn’t Go Away.”
• Wait? I have a girlfriend?
-Twitter, first published in ‘BS’ in 2018

REALLY BAD PRESS CONFERENCE OPENING LINES:
✗ “It was never my intention to get caught.”
✗ “I’d like to thank my wives for standing here beside me.”
✗ “My pants will be arriving shortly.”
✗ “Does this look like a bullseye rash?”
✗ “I’ll keep this short because I need to flee the country.”
✗ “I am so high right now.”
✗ “Florida law says if I don’t like your questions, I can shoot you.”
✗ “I thought I said no recording devices.”
✗ “Look at you sorry sons-of-bitches.”
-First published in ‘BS’ in 2016

BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
1. Which scary movie was NOT based on a book written by Stephen King?
a. Carrie
b. Poltergeist [CORRECT]
c. Children of the Corn
d. The Green Mile

2. Which of these stars is NOT a twin?
a. Scarlett Johansson
b. Vin Diesel
c. Jon Heder
d. Ryan Gosling [CORRECT]
-PubTimeUselessTrivia

BS RANDOM JOKE:
It would be so cool if we could just reverse global warming.

BS PHONE STARTER:
What did you see on a beach that made your jaw drop?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Question:  4% of women say a man who drives THIS is sexy. What is it?
Answer:  A UPS truck

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success.