Monday, December 8, 2003 Edition: #2682
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!
TRASHY YET TITILLATING TABLOID BS:
• Are expectant parents Gwyneth Paltrow & Coldplay singer Chris Martin married? “NY Post” says she’s been spotted wearing what looks suspiciously like an engagement ring turned around so the diamond faces the inside of her hand and what looks to be a platinum wedding band underneath. Meantime, “News of the World” reports the couple has applied for a marriage license in Santa Barbara County CA. To be valid, the licence must be used in the county within 90 days.
• “Star” magazine’s new list of ‘Hollywood’s Surprise Cheapskates’ is topped by actresses Catherine Zeta-Jones, Julia Roberts, and aging has-been Faye Dunaway. All are said to be infamous penny-pinchers.
• According to “Daily Dish”, red hot 18-year-old actress Keira Knightley (“Pirates of the Caribbean”, “Love Actually”) is determined to play down her meteoric rise to the top. She says she intends to keep her feet planted firmly on the ground by concentrating on her bad points – like her ‘stumpy legs’.
• Justin Timberlake tells “Rolling Stone” he isn’t contemplating an ‘N Sync reunion anytime soon because he doesn’t want to ‘do teen pop again’.
• “National Enquirer” says Lisa Marie Presley & Nicolas Cage were close to remarrying but their plans exploded after a brief 2-month reunion when they realized why they broke up in the first place – between bouts of incredible sex, they fight like cats and dogs!
• Online tabloid “Ananova” reports that JRR Tolkien’s great-grandson appears in the final instalment of the “Lord of the Rings” movie trilogy, “The Return of the King “ (opening DECEMBER 17th). 34-year-old Royd Tolkien played a minor role as a ‘Gondorian Ranger’ at the invitation of director Peter Jackson. Wait a sec … the guy’s named ‘Royd’?
• UK’s “Sun” tabloid says Jay-Z has spoken for the first time about his love for girlfriend Beyonce – and revealed he can’t wait to have kids with her. Quote: “I love Bee with all my heart. She’s the most important part of my life – I feel as if I am the luckiest man in the world. Children are the only thing I don’t have now. I absolutely want kids.”
• And 22-year-old Britney Spears appears to have made yet another blunder with her Chinese character tattoos. The singer, who has decorated various parts of her curvaceous body with colorful markings, is sporting a new tattoo south of her navel, which is circular with Chinese characters. However, after much investigation, “Star” magazine has worked out that the symbols seem to mean – ‘Big Available’.
“WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
• “Idiots Forming National Union!”
• “Parrot’s Badgering Turns Hot-to-Trot Wife into a Cold Fish!”
• “Bogus Dictionary Lands Tourists in Trouble!”
• “Brain Transplant Surgeries Will Give You the Cyborg Body of Your Dreams!”
• “Found: Saddam and Osama’s Gay Home Movies!”
• “Santa Fires 200 Elves!”
• “Dangerous New Fad: Baby Juggling!”
UNFAITHFUL:
Researchers suggest that changes in traditional morality over the past 40 years have left women totally confused. A new survey on morals finds that modern women lie, flatter and have affairs. The new ‘Scruples & Lies Survey’ questioned 5,000 women with an average age of 38 and found …
• 94% of women admit they lie.
• 17% of women with long-term partners say they’ve had an affair … and only 40% regret it!
IN THE NAME OF ART:
A bronze statue by brothers Jake & Dinos Chapman entitled ‘Death’ that depicts 2 sex-dolls engaging in fellatio was the favorite to win Britain’s controversial ‘Turner Prize’ for art [awarded LAST NIGHT]. The 20,000-pound ($35,000) prize is awarded annually to a Brit artist under 50 for an ‘outstanding exhibition or other presentation’. Past winners have included a statue of the Virgin Mary made of elephant dung, a pickled sheep, and a bare room with a light that switched on and off.
AND A 6.0 FROM THE FRENCH JUDGE!
26-year-old Canadian figure skater Jamie Sale [sa-LAY], who was finally awarded an Olympic gold with pairs partner David Pelletier after a judging scandal at the 2002 Winter Olympics, appears topless and scantily clad in a 3-page photo spread in the JANUARY edition of men’s magazine “FHM “ which hits stores TOMORROW. Sale says she didn’t want to do anything ‘sleazy’, adding “I would never do ‘Playboy’ or anything.”
RETAIL RAGE:
It’s estimated a third of all the shopping for the entire year is crammed into DECEMBER. With all that shopping compressed into a few days, ‘Retail Rage’ is said to be an ever-increasing problem, where customers become angry and abusive toward store help. Several other factors contribute to the phenomenon …
• In most marriages both partners now work, leaving less time for shopping and the need to make purchases more quickly in condensed shopping sprees at lunchtime or after work.
• Even with both partners working, many families are cash-strapped at this time of the year.
• Retail staff work long hours during December, leaving them exhausted and quick-tempered.
• Extra staff hired for the season are often young and unfamiliar with products.
• Long line-ups everywhere … at checkout counters, cash registers, in parking lots.
So what’s the solution? Retail workers’ unions say this is a time for calm and patience. (Listener poll: How do you avoid the insanity of the holiday season?)
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Domestic pets outnumber human beings in the USA, 350 million pets to 280 million people, according to the American Pet Products Manufacturers’ Association (APPMA).
• In the USA there are 8 places named Santa Clause, as well as 89 Christmases, 29 Noels, 110 Holidays, 8 Icicles and a Poinssettia Park. There are also 48 Comets, 42 Donners, 33 Rudolphs, 13 Vixens, 8 Blitzens, 8 Dashers, 6 Dancers and 1 Cupid (Cupid Lake MN). Sorry Prancer – no takers!
AND WE QUOTE:
“Humor is a rubber sword – it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.” – Mary Hirsch
THE BULL SHEET 12.08.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [D-1971] Jim Morrison, Melbourne FL, dead rock star (Doors-“Light My Fire”, “Touch Me”) FACTOID: Surviving Doors members plan to visit his grave in Paris TODAY, on what would have been his 60th birthday. TOMORROW night their new incarnation, the Doors of the 21st Century featuring Ian Astbury on vocals, are scheduled to play a concert there.
1953 [50] Kim Basinger, Athens GA, movie actress (“8 Mile”, “LA Confidential”, ’Bond’ girl in “Never Say Never Again”)/ex-Mrs Alec Baldwin
1964 [39] Teri Hatcher, Sunnyvale CA, movie actress (“Spy Kids”, ’Bond’ girl in “Tomorrow Never Dies”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is officially “Bad Hair Day”. So if you’ve got it, flaunt it!
TODAY is the December “Full Moon” that is known variously as the ‘Oak Moon’, ‘Birth Moon’ or ‘Cold Moon’.
TODAY is “Inane Answering Machine Message Day”. What’s yours say? Time to spice it up?
TODAY is “Take It in the Ear Day” which is either about accepting criticism graciously, or some really weird sexual proclivity.
TODAY marks the 23rd anniversary (1980) of the assassination of John Lennon by Mark David Chapman on the sidewalk outside NYC’s Dakota apartment building. As usual, there will be candlelight vigils in many cities. Yoko Ono, along with the city of New York, set up a permanent memorial to her husband in a section of Central Park opposite The Dakota that’s been named ‘Strawberry Fields’.
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1998 [05] Spice Girls release final single “Goodbye” (then go have babies)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1959 [44] “Behind the Great Wall” is 1st movie to feature ‘Aromarama’, as smells are piped in through ceiling vents to accompany on-screen action
1993 [10] NAFTA signed by US, Canada and Mexico (we get Canadian comedians, Canada gets The Home Depot, Mexico gets all our manufacturing jobs)
1996 [07] 1st 2nd-year expansion team ever to make NFL playoffs as Carolina Panthers beat San Francisco 30-24 (Jacksonville later becomes 2nd team to accomplish this feat)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1940 [63] Record lopsided professional football game as Chicago Bears slaughter NY Giants 73-0 in NFL championship game
1990 [13] World’s largest pizza measures 122 feet, 8 inches long and 11,816 square feet (Norwood, South Africa)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] “Gigli” DVD release
[Wed] 2003 Billboard Music Awards
[Wed] Nobel Prize Awards Day
[Fri] National Ding-A-Ling Day
[Sun] “Survivor: Pearl Islands” finale
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Civil Rights Week
Human Rights Week
National Drunk Drivers Awareness Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS ‘FRACTURED CAROLS’ GAME:
Can you come up with the seasonal song based on these convoluted descriptions?
• “I Apprehended My Maternal Parent Osculating With A Corpulent, Unshaven Male In Crimson Disguise” [“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”]
• “Expect My Arrival at My Domicile For Yuletide” [“I’ll Be Home for Christmas”]
• “Tinkling Chime Stone” [“Jingle Bell Rock”]
• “My Singular Desire for the Impending Yuletide Season is Receipt of a Pair of Central Incisors” [“All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth”]
• “Precious Metal Inverted Cups With Clappers” [“Silver Bells”]
• “Embellish The Corridors With Large Sprigs Of Berry-Bearing Evergreen” [“Deck the Halls With Boughs of Holly”]
• “I’m Fantasizing Concerning a Celebration Day Without Color” [“I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”]
• “The Event Manifest Itself at the Onset of a Transparent Day” [“It Came Upon A Midnight Clear”]
• “The Diminutive Male Minor Who’s a Percussionist” [“Little Drummer Boy“]
• ”Castaneous Colored Seed Heated in a Conflagration” [“Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire”]
THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS TREE:
• Comes pre-wired.
• No matter how hard you bang it on the wall, no needles fall off.
• Needs water about as often as your pet cactus.
• Has a straight trunk so the star isn’t pointing at the window.
• Stands 7 feet tall, weighs 2 pounds, costs $5.
YOU’VE BEEN IN THE CORPORATE WORLD TOO LONG WHEN …
You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a ‘performance review’.
You decide to re-org your family into a ‘team-based organization’.
You write ‘executive summaries’ on your love letters.
You talk to the waiter about ‘process flow’ when dinner arrives late.
You use the term ‘value-added’ without falling down laughing.
Your Christmas cards have bullet points.
BS INDICATIONS YOU WON’T BE GETTING A CHRISTMAS BONUS:
5. You told the boss what you really thought at the staff Christmas party.
4. You’re on unemployment insurance.
3. Your work includes wearing a badge with your name on it.
2. You’ve never made ‘Employee of the Month’.
1. You work in radio.
BS BLATANT JOKES:
Q: What do you have in DECEMBER that you don’t have in any other month?
A: The letter ‘D’.
Q: What did Adam tell his girlfriend on December 24th?
A: “It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Q: What do you call a polar bear wearing earmuffs?
A: Anything you want. He can’t hear you!
Q: What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
A: Lost.
Q: What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A: A porcupine.
BS PHONE STARTER:
“When have you hurt yourself doing something really stupid?”
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Before your driving days are over you’ll have done THIS an average of 181 times.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Run a red light.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The quickest way to find something is to start looking for something else.