Monday, February 14, 2005 Edition: #2969
Happy Valentine’s Day For Sheet’s Sake!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
• TODAY Ellen DeGeneres gets in on the audience freebie game, asking online jeweler Ice.com to give her “Valentine’s Day” guests some bling. TODAY all 250 members of her studio audience will receive diamond-encrusted heart pendants – retail value $95. (Nice, but it’s no car.)
• TODAY Sylvester Stallone’s new magazine “Sly” hits newsstands. The mag’s motto is ‘Stay in the Game Past 40′ and Stallone promises to be hands-on – appearing on almost every page, giving exercise tips, doing interviews and writing articles, ie: “Stamina! Energy! Performance! In Bed, In Life!”. (It’s an extremely fat magazine, due to all that writing in crayon.)
• TODAY shooting was scheduled to begin on Russell Crowe & Nicole Kidman’s new movie “Eucalyptus”. It’s been delayed officially because of ‘script problems’, however on-set gossip suggests it’s really so Nicole can sneak away for a quick breast enhancement. This is apparently her 2nd (and sources claim there’s a 3rd planned) to help her attain the perfect Hollywood cleavage. Unlike most concrete-chested starlets, Nicole knows that small incremental changes are the classy way to build up the finished product. (Yep, just like plastering a wall.)
• TONIGHT UPN debuts “Cuts”, a new comedy about the goings-on at an African-American owned and run barbershop. If that sounds like the movie “Barbershop” … well, it’s supposed to! (The premise wasn’t funny enough to last through 2 movies … how they gonna do an entire series?)
• TONIGHT Mike Nichols’ new Broadway musical “Monty Python’s Spamalot” (based on the movie “Monty Python & the Holy Grail”) starring David Hyde Pierce, Tim Curry & Hank Azaria begins previews at NYC’s Shubert Theater. Hormel Foods – the makers of Spam – hopes to cash in on the show’s publicity with a limited release of ‘Spam Golden Honey Grail’ in a collector’s edition can. (Now there’s a giveaway you gotta have! But it’s in extremely limited supply, so you may need to make your own.)
• THIS WEEK former contestants from “Survivor” appear on the daytime TV game show “Family Feud”. “Survivor” alums who’ll appear include Richard Hatch, Susan Hawk, Rupert Boneham, Ethan Zohn, Rudy Boesch, Jon (‘Johnny Fairplay’) Dalton, Jenna Morasca, Shii Ann Huang, Tijuana Bradley and Christa Hastie. (Kinda sad how these people can’t quit sucking up to cameras, ain’t it?)
• Aretha Franklin, Peter Gabriel & Lindsay Lohan are among those who’ll be featured on yet another ‘all-star’ charity single for tsunami relief. “Come Together Now” is being co-produced by socialite/songwriter Denise Rich & actress Sharon Stone. (This is just getting shamefully silly.)
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Christina Aguilera – Her rep has confirmed the Grammy-winning singer is engaged to her 2-year boyfriend, music executive Jordan Bratman, after he proposed FRIDAY night.
• Janet Jackson – One of her bodyguards is being sued for $120 million by a man who claims he suffered pain, injury & permanent damage after being choked until he passed out LAST WEEK.
• Jennifer Lopez – Her new clothing line ‘Sweetface’ made its debut FRIDAY at NYC’s “Fashion Week”.
• Los Lonely Boys – TONIGHT they’re on ABC-TV’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live”.
• Travis Tritt – His new single “I See Me” was co-written by songwriter Casey Beathard and punter Chris Mohr of the NFL’s Atlanta Falcons.
REAL TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Yum! Trendy New Dessert: Chocolate Covered Pork Fat!”
• “Bush Changing His Name to ‘God’!”
• “Bride Bursts Into Flames at Altar!”
• “Divorced Parents Battle to Split 2-Headed Tot!”
• “Jesus’ Sandal Found in Central Park!”
• “Space Aliens Give Earth Ultimatum: Feed Us Your Geezers or Else!”
SILLY LOVE SONGS:
Songs about ‘love’ are more common than any other subject, according to Jeff Green, author of “The Green Book: Songs by Subject”. They take up 167 pages of his book while the 2nd most popular song topic, ‘Christmas’, accounts for just 25 pages.
– “Globe & Mail”
THE DATING GAME:
A Chinese couple is charged with running a bogus matchmaking service after the man matched up hundreds of single men – with his wife! The couple promoted the fake dating service as offering men their choice of hundreds of rich and beautiful women. But, like in a shell game, the scam simply matched up each man with the exact same woman, charging them each a membership fee of about $80, plus a consulting fee, a directory fee, and a charge for each date.
– Ananova
ODD COUPLES:
Some people find love in the strangest places. Witness …
• In 1863, American dwarf Charles Stratton married Lavinia Warren. He was 2-ft, 10-ins tall and she was 2-ft, 8-ins. In 1884, the widowed Lavinia married Count Primo Magri who was 2 inches shorter than her first husband.
• Fabien Pretou, standing at 6-ft, 2-ins tall, towered over his 3-ft, 1-in bride Natalie Lucius at their 1990 wedding in Seysinnet-Pariset, France.
• Harry Stevens, 103, married his 84-year-old cousin, Thelma Lucas, at a Wisconsin retirement home in 1984.
• When Ruth & Kevin Kimber married in 1990, she was 93 and he was 28.
• In 1871, Captain Martin van Buren Bates married Anna Hanen Swan in London UK. She was 7-ft, 5.5 inches tall and he stood 7-ft, 2.5 ins.
• In 1995, following a courtship that lasted several months,100-year-old Samuel Bukoro married 12-year-old Nyamihanda in Uganda.
• In 1994, 26-year-old Anna Nicole Smith tied the knot with 89-year-old millionaire J Howard Marshall, saying she was attracted by his ‘kindness’.
– “Social Studies”
LOVE BY THE NUMBERS:
• There are about 115 single males for every 100 single females in Canada.
• 49% of the total Canadian population was married as of 2004. That includes people legally married, married-and-separated, and people living common-law.
• According to the most recent stats, the median age for brides in Canada is 29.5 and for grooms 31.5.
• 54.8 million roses are produced in Canada annually.
• $2.6 billion of chocolate and candy are produced in Canada annually.
– StatsCan
LOVE BY THE NUMBERS:
• 57% of American men & 54% of women are currently married.
• The median age for a first marriage for women in America is 25.3; and for men, 27.1.
• 86% of American men and 75% of women aged 20-to-24 have never married.
• There 118 single males in their 20s for every 100 single women the same age in America.
• There are 33 single men age 65 and over for every 100 single women of the same age in America.
• Americans consume 24.6 lbs of candy per capita per year.
• There are 23,094 florists in America employing 119,117 people.
• Consumers purchased more than 175 million roses for Valentine’s Day LAST YEAR.
• 8 billion ‘conversation hearts’ will be sold THIS YEAR – those little, pastel, heart-shaped candies with sweet sayings on them like ‘Be Mine’.
– US Census Bureau/Society of American Florists/National Confectioner’s Association
VALENTINE’S GIFTING:
• 65% of men send flowers on Valentine’s Day.
• 59% of couples celebrate Valentine’s Day with an evening out.
• 32% give candy on Valentine’s Day.
• 21% of men buy jewelry for Valentine’s Day.
• 3% of pet owners will give Valentine’s Day gifts to their pets.
– National Retail Federation Survey
FOR THE RECORD:
SATURDAY a new record was set for the quickest Juno Awards ticket sellout. All available tickets for the April 3rd Winnipeg show were gone in just – 16 minutes!
BS AMAZING MONDAY FACTS:
• MONDAY is the only day of the week that has a 1-word anagram of its name – ‘dynamo’.
• Workers suffer more back injuries and heart attacks on the first day of the work week. In fact, heart-attack risk is 33% higher due to the so-called ‘Monday Effect’.
AND WE QUOTE:
“We play house. We cook. We are actually going to get lessons soon from a chef.”
– Kevin Federline trying to persuade “Access Hollywood” he & Britney Spears have a normal home life.
THE BULL SHEET 02.14.2K5
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1948 [57] Pat O’Brien, Sioux Falls SD, TV host (“The Insider” since 2004)
1948 [57] (Raymond) Teller, Philadelphia PA, Las Vegas magician (the shorter, less obnoxious one from Penn & Teller) who legally reduced his name to one word
1972 [33] Rob Thomas, Landstuhl Military Base, Germany, pop singer (“Lonely No More”, 3 Grammy Awards w/Santana-“Smooth”, Matchbox 20-“Push”, “3 AM”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Valentine’s Day”, the most widely celebrated unofficial holiday when about 1 billion cards are exchanged, making it the 3rd largest card-sending occasion after Christmas and Father’s Day. The total spent on Valentines accounts for about 20% of the greeting card market.
It’s also the 4th-biggest flower-selling occasion. Pope Gelasius declared February 14th “St Valentine’s Day” around 498 AD, in part to replace the ancient Roman fertility festival Lupercalia.
TODAY is “World Marriage Day”. In the words of philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer – “To marry is to halve your rights and double your duties.”
TODAY is “National Have-A-Heart Day”, when vegetarians encourage you to quit eating animals. (So go kill a carrot today!)
TODAY is “Ferris Wheel Day”, celebrating the 1859 birth of George Washington Gale Ferris, the Galesburg IL engineer who invented the ‘Ferris wheel’ for the 1893 “Chicago World’s Exposition”. The original wheel measured 250 feet in diameter and could carry an amazing 1,440 passengers.
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1991 [14] Radio/TV host Leeza Gibbons weds Stephen Meadows FACTOID: He’s just filed for legal separation, citing irreconcilable differences, and is seeking joint custody of their kids plus – spousal support.
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1984 [21] Elton John marries Renata Blauel in Sydney, Australia (the next day he’s nominated for a ‘Best Actor’ Oscar)
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
2000 [05] After keeping his remains in a cardboard box for years, Blessed John Duns Scotus Church in Glasgow, Scotland puts the bones of St Valentine on display (other European churches also claim to have some of the relics – they should get together and build a complete saint!)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1415 [590] ‘Oldest known Valentine’ sent by the Duke of Orleans to his French wife while he was imprisoned in Tower of London (still on display in a British museum)
1975 [30] ABA’s San Diego Conquistadors beat NJ Nets 176-166 to set record for ‘Most Points Scored in a Pro Basketball Game’ … 342!
1979 [26] ‘Oldest Caged Guinea Pig’ dies at age 14 years, 10 months (‘Snowball’-Bingham UK)
COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Canadian Flag Day (40th Anniversary)
[Thurs] “Survivor 10″ debuts on CBS-TV (Palau)
[Fri] Second Honeymoon Weekend
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Cardiac Rehabilitation Week
Jell-O Week
Celebration of Love Week
Random Acts of Kindness Week
Heart Failure Awareness Week
International Flirting Week
Condom Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
LEAST POPULAR BS VALENTINE’S CARDS:
“I Don’t Even Know Anyone Named Angie … I Swear!”
“Hey, I Love You. Don´t Forget to Lose Weight!”
“If You Won’t Be My Valentine, Will You at Least Be My Alibi?”
“I Won’t Pretend to Love You, I Just Want a Shag!”
“My Dearest Love, If You Need Me I’ll Be at Hooters”
“Hey Lover, How ‘Bout a Pizza and Pay-Per-View Wrestling by Candlelight?”
LITTLE-KNOWN FACTS ABOUT ST VALENTINE:
• St Valentine spent most of his time locked in his room, writing angst-ridden Goth poetry and listening to “Gunning Down Romance” over and over.
• St Valentine was originally selected as Patron Saint of Peanut Butter.
• St Valentine thought the coconut chocolates were gross, too.
• The rest of the year, St Valentine and his identical twin brother, Saint Patrick, split duties as the Tooth Fairy.
• St Valentine was murdered by irate Romans after persisting in following them around and chanting stuff like ‘Julius & Helena sitting in a tree!’.
VALENTINE’S TRUTH OR BS?
• The most common type of alteration we make to greeting cards is to underline key words in the printed message. [TRUE]
• Men and women spend about the same amount on Valentine’s Day. [BS. The average man spent $125.96 on Valentine’s Day 2003; the average woman – $38.22.]
• In the language of roses, the color ‘coral’ means you’ve got the hots for someone. [TRUE]
• There were actually 2 ‘Saint Valentines’. [TRUE, both martyred in the 3rd Century AD.]
• 53% of those who buy flowers for Valentine’s Day are women. [BS, only about 27%.]
• Teachers receive the most Valentine’s Day cards. [TRUE, usually at least one per student.]
• There are 23 places in the USA named ‘Valentine’. [BS. Only 2 – Valentine NE and Valentine TX.]
• An average of 6,000 weddings take place in the USA per day. [TRUE]
BS COMPATIBILITY TEST:
Get a couple on 2 separate lines and see how they match up on the following …
• The two of you can be instantly transported to one day together anywhere you choose. Which would you select?
a. Hawaii
b. Paris
c. Las Vegas
• The two of you would have the most fun together doing which of the following?
a. Attending a concert.
b. Attending a sporting event.
c. Going shopping.
• Which of these is the most romantic Valentine’s Day gift?
a. A box of chocolates.
b. A dozen red roses.
c. Jewelry.
• Select the most romantic way to have Valentine’s Day dinner together.
a. Have dinner at an exclusive, expensive restaurant.
b. Have a moonlight picnic on a deserted beach.
c. Have a candlelight dinner at home.
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Ah, Valentine’s Day! Which reminds me … it’s nice to see Prince Charles is finally gonna marry that guy, isn’t it?
• You can make a woman melt with a box of chocolates, but the best way to a man’s heart is to … saw his sternum open.
• I see in the new “GQ” magazine Russell Crowe says he and the wife were celibate for 3 months before they got married. Of course, for her it was easy.
• I don’t care what the Beastie Boys say, tonight I’m eating KFC … just so I can actually see some thigh.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Only 3.7% of Canadians do THIS in February.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Get married.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Half of the people in Kentucky who get married for the first time have THIS in common.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: They’re teenagers.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Valentines are the campaign promises of the heart.