Friday, February 11, 2000 Edition: #1741
The final original “Peanuts” Sunday-comics strip runs this weekend (oh no, no more minimalist small bald children!), as 77-year-old Charles Schulz has announced his retirement. “Peanuts” was in over 2,600 newspapers in 75 countries, read by over 350 million daily — the most successful comic strip of all time. It first appeared on October 2nd, 1950.
WHAT ‘CHARLIE BROWN’S’ GOING TO DO NOW:
• Get barber school tuition from dad. Blow it on booze and hookers.
• Tell the dog that if he can pilot a plane, he can get his own damn dinner.
• Cash in the Met Life policy and jet off to Cancun with the little red-haired girl.
• Stick that football where only ‘Lucy’s’ proctologist can find it.
• Speak to shrink about that jazz piano music that follows him around everywhere.
• Begin auditioning actresses for “It’s Your First Threesome, Charlie Brown.”
• Begin rap career as ‘Snoop Master C’.
• Two words — new shirt.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Madonna’s video for her new single “American Pie” debuts today on a music TV station near you . . . Tonight 83-year-old retired news anchor Walter Cronkite hosts an hour-long special “Good Grief, Charlie Brown: A Tribute to Charles Schulz” on CBS-TV . . . Sunday one of the cast members of “The Simpsons” dies in a much publicized sweeps month episode (bet it’s the one with the buggy eyes) . . . Think your bank info is safe? British tabs report an obsolete computer sold off by a London bank had 108 files containing private information on Paul McCartney’s accounts!
OPENING IN THEATERS TODAY:
Leonardo DiCaprio searches for a mythical island after stumbling on a map in Bangkok in the drama “The Beach” . . . A group of students hijack a snow plow to keep school closed, changing the lives of a family headed by Chevy Chase in the family flick “Snow Day” . . . The ‘Pooh’ gang are back in “The Tigger Movie”, as ‘Tigger’ becomes snowbound when he sets out on a quest to find his family.
MADD FOR 2 DECADES:
Today ‘Mothers Against Drunk Driving’ kicks off its 20th year of raising awareness about the dangers of drunk driving. (For awhile there was also a father’s group, but it was just a ‘FADD’.)
MORE CRAP IN THE MAIL:
A doggie doo deposit box in a park in Yorkshire, England was accidently painted the wrong color. So people have been dropping mail into it! (The big problem is what’s in the MAILbox.)
LAUNDERED MONEY:
A Wisconsin man who tipped over an old clothes dryer in his house has found $250- worth of coins inside. (And 752 single socks.)
GETTING UP IN THE MORNING:
Britain’s “Focus” magazine reports that people are usually at their most sexually responsive — around breakfast time! (You want it over easy?)
NEEDS A LITTLE SALT:
An argument between two men in Papua, New Guinea ended this week with one killing the other, then ripping out his eyes and heart — and eating them. (He’s just been signed by the WWF.)
THE BULL SHEET 02.11.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1926 [74] Leslie Nielsen, Regina SK, movie actor (Det Frank Drebin-Naked Gun, Airplane)
1936 [64] Burt Reynolds, Waycross GA, movie actor (Boogie Nights, Striptease)
1962 [38] Sheryl Crow, Kennett MO, rock/pop singer (My Favorite Mistake, All I Wanna Do)
1969 [31] Jennifer Aniston, Sherman Oaks CA, TV actress (Rachel Green-Friends)
1973 [27] Jamie Pushor, Lethbridge AB, NHL defenceman (Dallas Stars)
1979 [21] Brandy (Norwood), Macomb MS, pop singer (Have You Ever)/TV actress (Moesha)/movie actress (I Still Know What You Did Last Summer)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1970 [30] Jim Creegan, Scarborough ON, rock musician (Barenaked Ladies-It’s All Been Done)
1980 [20] Christina Ricci, Santa Monica CA, movie actress (Sleepy Hollow, Small Soldiers)
SUNDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [66] George Segal, Great Neck NY, TV actor (Jack Gallo-Just Shoot Me)
1944 [56] Jerry Springer, London ENG, trash TV talk show host (Jerry Springer Show)
1950 [50] Peter Gabriel, London ENG, rock singer (In Your Eyes, Sledgehammer)
1971 [29] Mats Sundin, Sollentuna SWE, NHL center (Toronto Maple Leafs)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
“Yukon Quest”, a 13 day, 1000-mile sled dog marathon from Fairbanks AK to Whitehorse YT begins Saturday, with a purse of $125,000.
PHONER: 867-668-4711 (Yukon Quest Association)
Monday on Valentine’s Day, 400 lovers from Canada, the USA and Britain will tie the knot in a mass “Wedding of the Millennium” in Niagara Falls ON. Are they having a ‘mass honeymoon’ too?
PHONER: 416-920-5817 (Judy Hammond )
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1994 Bruce Spingsteen releases “Streets Of Philadelphia”
1998 Bernie Taupin’s handwritten lyrics to Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind 1997” sell at charity auction for $442,500
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1922 [78] Discovery of insulin (Banting & Best-Toronto)
1948 [52] ‘La-Z-Boy’ chair invented (men’s guts immediately get bigger)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1977 [23] 20.2-kg lobster caught off Nova Scotia, the heaviest known crustacean (took 13 lbs of butter)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun[ Get a Different Name Day
[Sun] NBA All-Star Game (Oakland CA)
BULL’S BITS . . .
Q: What pagan fertility festival did “St Valentine’s Day” replace?
A: The ancient Roman fertility festival called “Lupercalia”, when goats and dogs were sacrificed.
THE LAST WORD: In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
