Monday, February 18, 2008 Edition: #3713
Ahhhh, Your Daily Bovine Colonic!
WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• Officers from the LA Department of Animal Services have delivered a ‘Notice to Comply’ at Paris Hilton’s house after she blabbed LAST WEEK that she‘s the proud owner of no fewer than 17 dogs. City bylaws state that non-breeders can own no more than 3 pets per address. (This is certainly the first time anyone accused her of being a ‘non-breeder’.)
– “E! News”
• Just when you thought reality TV shows couldn’t get any dumber comes a report suggesting NBC-TV is considering “Rockstar Curling”, which would pit celebs against each other in curling matches. Negotiations are said to be underway to entice ‘closet curlers’ Bruce Springsteen or Jon Bon Jovi to host the show. (We’re betting the idea tanks when it’s discovered that there just aren’t enough stars who know how to get their rocks off.)
– “Curious Times”
• Could this be why Britney Spears’ dad Jamie wants to remain conservator of her estate? Word has it she’s frittered away (with help) more than half her estimated $100-million fortune … in just the past 3 years. Estimates say as much as $60 million has been blown and there are ‘massive holes’ in her finances. (In related news, we’re predicting the never-before-heard ‘conservator’ will be 2008’s word of the year.)
– “News Of the World”
• Star Daniel Craig and other cast & crew of the new ‘James Bond’ movie “Quantum Of Solace” have escaped injury after getting caught in the crossfire of a gang war that erupted during filming in Panama. Armed guards have now secured the film set to protect it from further attacks. (We’re betting they kept that footage … free action scenes!)
– World Entertainment News Network
• Movie star George Clooney has been offered the chance to live out his sporting dreams by spending the summer playing baseball for Ohio minor league team the Dayton Dragons. The offer from movie producer/team owner Peter Guber isn’t as bizarre as it seems … Clooney was considered as a prospect for the Cincinnati Reds when he was a teenager. (If this happens, call hell … I want my snowball back.)
– StarPulse.com
• Actors Johnny Depp, Jude Law & Colin Farrell have reportedly agreed to help salvage the film their late friend Heath Ledger was shooting in London just days before he was found dead in his NYC apartment. Director Terry Gilliam has apparently asked the acting trio to pay tribute to Ledger by taking turns playing his role in the remaining scenes to be shot for “The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus”. (Hey, if Cate Blanchett can get an Oscar nomination for playing Bob Dylan … why not?)
– AintItCoolNews.com
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Aerosmith – Activision’s new video game “Guitar Hero: Aerosmith” will be released in stores THIS SUMMER, featuring about 30 of their songs as well as others from various acts that have opened for them.
• Amy Winehouse – Her incarcerated husband Blake Fielder-Civil has been rushed to the medical block at London’s Pentonville Prison after allegedly taking a potentially lethal combination of heroin mixed with an unknown toxic substance with 5 other inmates.
• The Beatles – A 3-bedroom Mayfair flat that they shared in 1963, the only place where they all lived together, has just gone on the market in London for just shy of $3.5 million.
• G-Unit – Rapper Tony Yayo has been sentenced to 10 days community service in NYC court. His crime? Harassing the 14-year-old son of a rival by ‘glaring at him in a way that meant to threaten physical violence’.
• Nickelback – “Rockstar” has been listed on Britain’s Top 40 chart for 16 weeks before finally hitting #1. That’s a new record.
• Oasis – Hellraising frontman Liam Gallagher has finally settled down, secretly wedding longtime singer-girlfriend Nicole Appleton (All Saints) on Valentines Day in London. They’ve been together 8 years and already have a 6-year-old son.
• Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers – Since their milquetoast Super Bowl halftime show, sales of their “Greatest Hits” album have shot up 196%; “Anthology: Through the Years” has jumped 240%; and digital sales of the single “Free Fallin’” are up 305%.
• Queen – Guitarist Brian May insists he had no idea late frontman Freddie Mercury was gay until the late 1980s, assuming he was just a bit ‘flamboyant’. Dude, the band was called Queen.
• U2 – The (Red) Auction, Bono’s Valentines Day charity fundraiser with artist Damien Hirst far exceeded expectations, raising a whopping $42 million to help combat AIDS in Africa.
TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson“ (CBS) – Wyclef Jean makes an appearance.
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” – Enrique Iglesias is the musical guest.
• Paul McCartney – Closed-door divorce proceedings with estranged wife Heather Mills begin a 2nd week after they failed to wrap FRIDAY as planned. Both are expected in court again to attempt a financial settlement. Leaks from inside say a deal is already struck: a £20-million lump sum (circa $40 million), plus £2.7 million ($5.3 million) per year for 15 years to maintain Mills & their 4-year-old daughter, Beatrice. Toss in legal fees and the total tab is £65 million or about $128 million. But that’s all unofficial as yet.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC) – Country singer Gary Allan (“Watching Airplanes”) performs.
A REAL ‘SUB’ COMPACT:
Swiss company Rinspeed has developed the world’s first submersible car. Powered by electric motors, the ‘sQuba’ can be driven at a depth of 30 ft (10 m). It will be unveiled at the “International Motor Show” in Geneva NEXT MONTH. Rinspeed CEO Frank Rinderknecht says the car was inspired by the Lotus Esprit driven underwater by Roger Moore in the ‘James Bond’ movie, “The Spy Who Loved Me”. (Because creating air pollution with cars just isn’t enough.)
– “Times of London”
WHERE IT’S WHITEST:
These are the places where they really know how to shovel it, the Canadian cities with the heaviest average annual snowfall, according to Environment Canada …
5. Baie Comeau QC (362 cm)
4. Campbellton NB (392 cm)
3. Sept-Îles QC (412 cm)
2. Corner Brook NL (422 cm)
1. Gander NL (443 cm)
– “Toronto Star”
MODEL MOTTOS:
Among the submissions in a current contest to create a new 6-word motto for the USA …
• “Hubris: It’s not just for Greeks!”
• “That’s Mister America to you, pal.”
• “Just like Canada, with better bacon.”
• And our favorite: “We know how to count!” (6 words exactly).
– “NY Times”
CATCH A FALLING STAR:
This sounds like something out of a Hollywood blockbuster. The US military is getting set to launch a missile at a rogue satellite that’s due to fall to Earth NEXT MONTH. The satellite, about the size of a bus, has not worked properly since its launch and contains hazardous chemicals as well as sophisticated technology America does not wish to share. (Apparently not all that sophisticated … it doesn’t work!)
– “GQ”
NOT A BEST-SELLER IN THE LOT:
Eccentric American inventor Philip M Parker is now the world’s most prolific author thanks to a machine he created which he claims writes entire books for him in about 20 minutes. So far he’s ‘authored’ over 200,000 books, thousands of which are for sale online. All he does is plug in an obscure topic and the software does all the research, writing, editing, and formatting. Among the bizarre titles he’s generated so far …
• “Avocados: A Medical Dictionary”
• “The Outlook for Golf Bags in India”
• “The 2007 Report on Wood Toilet Seats”
• “The 2007-2012 Outlook for Bathroom Toilet Brushes & Holders in the United States”
If the ridiculous topics don’t dissuade you from buying, the prices might … some of his tomes are tagged for as much as $250.
– “The Guardian”
HI-DEF DIFF DONE?
Trade publications are speculating that electronics giant Toshiba is about to throw in the towel in the battle between its HD-DVD hi-def home-video system and Sony’s competing Blu-ray. Word has it the company could make that announcement within a matter of weeks. Officially, Toshiba continues to say it believes HD-DVD is the best format for consumers. However, a rep admits it may ‘reassess its position based on market developments in the past month’. (Translation: We surrender!)
– “Hollywood Reporter“
DID YOU KNOW?
• No new animals have been domesticated in the last 4,000 years. (Including [co-host].)
• The kiss as we know it today was invented by medieval knights for the purpose of determining whether their wives had been tapping the ‘mead barrel’ while they were away on crusades. (In other words, boozing it up.)
• The ancient Greeks believed that when someone had a runny nose, they were draining ‘excess waste matter’ from the brain. (So next time you use a Kleenex, be careful not to blow your brains out.)
BS CHRONOMETER 02.18.08
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1933 [75] Yoko Ono, Tokyo, Japan, bad artist/bad singer who married well/John Lennon’s really really rich widow
1954 [54] John Travolta, Englewood NJ, movie actor (“Hairspray”, “Pulp Fiction”)
1957 [51] Vanna White (Rosich), North Myrtle Beach SC, TV mannequin (“Wheel of Fortune”) who’s been a ‘letter turner’ since 1982
1964 [44] Matt Dillon, New Rochelle NY, movie actor (“Crash”, “There’s Something About Mary”)
1965 [43] Dr Dre (Andre Young), Compton CA, rap/hip-hop artist/producer credited with discovering Eminem/sometime movie actor (“Training Day”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Family Day” in Alberta, an official holiday on the 3rd MONDAY of FEBRUARY since 1990. Saskatchewan adopted the idea in 2007, and Ontario has added the mid-winter break for the first time THIS YEAR. Manitoba is also getting a day off for the first time, but there it’s been christened ”Louis Riel Day”. Hey Alberta, thanks for the idea!
• “Hey Diddle Diddle Day”, celebrating the ‘First Cow in Space’. 78 years ago TODAY (1930), a cow by the name of ‘Ollie’ took an airplane ride as a publicity stunt for a Wisconsin dairy farm.
• “Open a Can of Beans Day” in celebration of “Canned Food Month”, when we’re encouraged to chow down on beans during at least one meal. (Today is also ‘Evacuate the Studio Day!’)
• “Presidents’ Day” in America, observed annually on the 3rd MONDAY in FEBRUARY, originally to celebrate the birthdays of Abraham Lincoln & George Washington but now honoring all former US Presidents. Officially, the federal holiday is still known as “Washington’s Birthday”.
• “Thumb Appreciation Day”, a day devoted to the digit that helps make us human … the opposable thumb. Of course that means a few other animals can celebrate as well, including koalas, opossums, and pandas; as well as chimps, gorillas, and orangutans, which have opposable thumbs … on all 4 hands. Oh wow, we’ve got thumb envy!
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1953 [55] “Bwana Devil” starring Robert Stack becomes the first feature film released in 3-D (beating Miley Cyrus by a half-century)
1999 [09] George Clooney makes his final appearance as ‘Dr Doug Ross’ on “ER”, then moves on to making movies full-time
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1998 [10] Soundtrack of the movie “Titanic” is certified 6-times Platinum for sales of 6 million copies
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1901 [107] 1st ‘Dust Removing Suction Cleaner’ (vacuum cleaner) patented (inventor Cecil Booth was excited to claim “My invention sucks!”) FACTOID: There are more than 15,000 vacuum cleaner accidents in North America annually!
1930 [78] 9th planet ‘Pluto’ discovered by Flagstaff AZ astronomer Clyde Tombaugh, who names it for the Roman god of the underworld (in 2006, it’s demoted from full planet status and reclassified in the new category of ‘dwarf planets’, along with Eris and Ceres.
1956 [52] ‘Play-Doh’ is 1st manufactured (invented by Cincinnati’s Joe McVicker when he concocted modeling clay for his sister’s pre-school students using wallpaper paste)
1978 [30] 1st ‘Triathlon’ (‘The Iron Man’ in Kona, Hawaii)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] 2008 BRIT Awards
[Wed] Hoodie Hoo Day
[Wed] 1st CFPTA Canadian Indie Awards
[Wed] Full (Snow) Moon
[Thurs] Chinese Lantern Festival
[Thurs] Card Reading Day
[Thurs] Single Tasking Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Brotherhood-Sisterhood Week / Build A Better Trade Show Image Week / Engineers Week / Muscular Dystrophy Awareness Week
BULL’S BITS
BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 15 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
BS EXCUSES IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT WORK:
• “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
• “This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about at that ‘time management course’ you sent me to.”
• “Whew! I must’ve left the lid off the printer ink.”
• “I’m just testing the keyboard for drool resistance.”
• “I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.”
• “Geez, thought you were gone for the day, boss.”
• “I’m in the management training program.”
BS RANDOM JOKE:
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
What now-common product was originally designed as a filter for gas masks?
a. Pantyhose.
b. Kleenex [CORRECT]
c. Tampax.
– “Weird Fact of the Day”
BS ‘THIS OR THAT’?
Have a caller or studio guest pick from each of the options as you run them down rapid-fire …
• 10 oz of pure milk chocolate or 10 oz of sizzling ribeye steak?
• Cute little hybrid or big ol’ pickup truck?
• A wild weekend with friends or a romantic weekend with someone special?
• Watching hospital show “House” or “Grey’s Anatomy”?
• Freckles or dimples?
• Chess or checkers?
• Straight-up regular coffee or double french vanilla latte?
• 2 hours in the gym or 2 hours in a bar?
• Soup or salad?
• Thriller “Jumper” or rom-com “Fool’s Gold”?
BS PHONE STARTER:
Some of the NHL’s top players and influential figures want the league to start selling advertising space on goalies’ jerseys. Good idea or bad?
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Most men do THIS on a weekend, while most women do it on a Monday.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Car wash.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Nothing is ‘fun for the whole family’ unless the parents are younger than 10.