Tuesday, February 27, 2007        Edition: #3476
The Bovine Fecal Material Is About to Hit the Air Circulating Device!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY could be the day they finally lay the overripe body of Anna Nicole Smith to rest in the Bahamas but then if things go according to form, there’ll likely be a half-dozen legal submissions causing further delay (she’s still a 5-4 favorite to beat James Brown into the ground) . . . TONIGHT ABC-TV news anchor Bob Woodruff hosts the special “To Iraq and Back: Bob Woodruff Reports”, outlining the horrific bombing incident in which he & Canadian cameraman Doug Vogt (Portage la Prairie MB) were seriously injured LAST YEAR . . . Director James Cameron’s controversial new documentary, “The Lost Tomb of Jesus”, claims the bones of Jesus, his mother Mary, his father Joseph, his wife Mary Magdalene (some say), and perhaps a son as well were found in a Jerusalem tomb in 1980 (the film premieres SUNDAY on the Discovery Channel) . . . NBC is reportedly in talks with Jimmy Fallon (“Saturday Night Live” 1998-2006) about a ‘holding deal’ that would put him first in line to take over Conan O’Brien’s “Late Night” hosting gig when O’Brien becomes “Tonight Show” host in 2009 . . . Lonely actress Jennifer Aniston has reportedly finally found a new BF, a cameraman identified only as ‘Mike’ who works on her best friend Courteney Cox’s TV show “Dirt” (FX), whom she apparently met while shooting a guest appearance earlier THIS MONTH . . . Temper-challenged model Naomi Campbell & “Crash” actor Terrence Howard are now dating, according to several media reports (for your health, man, do NOT interrupt her when she’s on a cellphone!) . . . 26-year-old actor/singer Nick Cannon has wed Victoria’s Secret model Selita Ebanks in Las Vegas after a whirlwind 3-week romance (they met at a Super Bowl party) . . . Angelina Jolie has arrived in Africa to monitor the crisis in Darfur on behalf of the United Nations, the 3rd time she’s visited in her capacity as a UN Goodwill Ambassador . . . And part-time PETA advocate Pamela Anderson is now urging fans to give their shoes the boot  if they’re made from animal skins, admitting she didn’t realize her favored Ugg boots were not totally synthetic (we’re betting your purse isn’t plastic either, hon’).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Britney Spears – In order to maintain privacy she has reportedly demanded an entire wing at the Promises rehab clinic in Malibu CA, which is said to be costing her hundreds of thousands.
• Everclear – TONIGHT they perform on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel).
• Goo Goo Dolls – TODAY their 8th studio album, “Let Love In”, is being re-released with an added DVD called “Live And Intimate”, containing live performances, music videos and a pair of acoustic versions of tracks. “Let Love In: Special Edition” is also available as a digital download.
• Green Day – They’ll have a song featured in “The Simpsons Movie” THIS SUMMER and will be depicted in the film performing on a capsizing stage.
• Jewel – TONIGHT she guests on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• Justin Timberlake – His brief romance with actress Jessica Biel is apparently over, a pal suggesting JT simply doesn’t want a girlfriend and doesn’t want to settle down.
• Michael Jackson – The Arab-Israeli newspaper “Panorama” claims he has confirmed his conversion to Islam and plans to move to Bahrain where he has purchased some property. With what, we wonder?

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “A Good Year” ( Romantic Dramedy ): Russell Crowe stars as an investment broker who inherits his uncle’s chateau and vineyard in Provence. As he tries to renovate the estate to be sold, another relation shows up to also put in her claim. Co-stars Albert Finney & Ali Rhodes.
• “The Return” ( Suspense Thriller ): Sarah Michelle Gellar plays a traveling businesswoman who begins having nightmares about a murder that occurred 15 years before. Soon she is drawn to the scene of the crime, an old farmhouse where she discovers the murder that she’s trying to solve may be her own. Co-stars Sam Shepard & Adam Scott.
• “Stranger Than Fiction” ( Comedy ): Will Ferrell plays an IRS auditor who suddenly finds himself the subject of narration only he can hear: a story that begins to affect his entire life. Co-stars Maggie Gyllenhaal, Dustin Hoffman, Queen Latifah, and Emma Thompson as the writer/’voice’.
• “Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny” ( Musical Comedy ): Jack Black & Kyle Gass play a naive Midwesterner & a California slacker who form a rock band and then hatch a plan to get hold of a magical guitar pick housed in a rock & roll museum. Cameos by actors Ben Stiller & Tim Robbins, and musicians Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters) & Meat Loaf.
• Also on DVD TODAY: “Magnum PI: The Complete 6th Season”; “NFL Super Bowl XLI Champions”; “The Rockford Files: Season 3”; and “Russell Simmons Presents Def Poetry: Season 4”.

SINGLE WOMEN STATS:
According to a new poll of 1,000 unattached women …
• More than a third of women who are single or dating ‘non-exclusively’ use dating websites.
• Single women are more likely to buy self-improvement books and to attend self-improvement seminars.
• When it comes to relationships, most unattached women seek advice from the Internet or magazines.
• About 75% of single women rely on TV for company when they are alone.
– “Tango Magazine”

BS FOLK CURES:
Some old-time home remedies we bet you’ve never tried …
• Rubbing the grease off church bells into your body is good for shingles.
• Throwing a dung beetle over your shoulder will rid you of a stomach ache.
• Passing a child 3 times under the belly of a donkey cures whooping cough. Or you can put a hairy caterpillar in a bag and tie it around the kid’s neck.
• Stick an elder twig in your ear and wear it night and day to cure deafness.
• Carrying a child through a flock of sheep is recommended for respiratory problems.
• A cork under the pillow at night relieves cramps.
• Urinating in an open grave cures incontinence.
• Touch a corpse’s hand for help with a sore throat.
– “Old Time Home Remedies (Good Ole Days)” by Ken Tate

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• Israeli newspapers have published pictures of the country’s Defense Minister, Amir Peretz, watching military maneuvers through binoculars … with the lens caps still on. According to one reporter, Peretz looked through the capped binoculars 3 times, all the while nodding as an army officer explained what was in view.
• A 25-year-old Serbian soccer player has sought revenge for being cut from his team by … using farm equipment to plow up the club’s soccer field. He’s been arrested and charged with damaging private property.
• A 31-year-old New Zealand tree surgeon who was rescued via a helicopter cable from a 130-foot tree after breaking his leg, received further injuries when … he was accidentally swung into another huge tree. Ow! He’s now in stable condition in hospital.
• A 38-year-old Romanian woman is recovering after accidentally … swallowing her lover’s false teeth during a moment of passion. After 2 days in hospital, the foreign object left the woman’s body in ‘the natural way’. Ow again!

FETISH FINDINGS:
A comprehensive study by Italy’s University of Bologna has investigated the odd quirks that get some of us off. A poll of some 5,000 people found that fully 64% are excited by footwear such as boots and high-heels. 47% have an inordinate interest in feet and toes over other body parts. Some of the fetishes mentioned border on the absurd: 150 people say they are turned on by hearing aids; 2 admit they have an unusual attraction to pacemakers. Others among the lowest-ranking fetishes were bracelets, wristwatches, stethoscopes, diapers and catheters. (My god we’re an odd lot, aren’t we?)
– “The Independent”

SMOOCH SURVEY:
When was your first real kiss?
• Age 15-17 (38%)
• Age 12-14 (32%)
• Can’t remember (11%)
• Under age 12 (10%)
• Age 18-21 (9%)
• Still waiting (1%)
– Zogby poll

DID YOU KNOW?
• About a third of all Internet users have now used a wireless connection to surf the web or check e-mail, according to a new poll.
• According to acupuncturists, there is a point on the head that you can press to control your appetite. It is located in the hollow just in front of the flap of the ear. Perfect for people who don’t have the stamina to stay on a diet.

FOR THE RECORD:
26-year-old Anandita Dutta Tamuly of India is preparing to attempt a new world record for consuming the world’s hottest peppers. Tamuly is a lifelong fan of the Bhut Jolokia or ‘Ghost Chili Pepper’, rated at slightly more than 1 million Scoville Heat Units. That’s almost twice the pepper previously thought to be hottest, the Red Savina Habanero. By comparison, an average jalapeno, used widely in salsa, measures only about 10,000 SHUs. Tamuly will attempt to munch her way into the record books in London as soon as she scores a British visa to make the trip.
– Ananova News

THE BULL SHEET 02.27.07

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1930 [77] Joanne Woodward, Thomasville GA, movie actress (Oscar-“The Three Faces of Eve”)/Mrs Paul Newman since 1958

1932 [75] Dame Elizabeth Taylor, London UK, movie star (Oscars-“Butterfield 8”, “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf”)/AIDS activist (AMFAR)/wed 8 times

1934 [73] Ralph Nader, Winsted CT, consumer advocate/US presidential candidate (Green Party) in 2004 and perhaps again in 2008

1959 [48] Johnny Van Zant, Jacksonville FL, country-rock singer (Van Zant-“Help Somebody”, Lynyrd Skynyrd [since its reformation in 1987]-“Sweet Home Alabama”)

1966 [41] Donal Logue, Ottawa ON, TV actor (‘Eugene Gurkin ‘ on “Knights of Prosperity”, “Grounded for Life” 2001-05)

1971 [36] Rozonda ‘Chilli’ Thomas, Atlanta GA, pop singer (TLC-“Unpretty”, “No Scrubs”)

1981 [26] Josh Groban, LA CA, pop singer/operatic baritone (“You Raise Me Up”, “The Prayer”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Glory in Simple Artistic Achievements Day”. Something to do with posting your kid’s ‘fridge art’ perhaps?

• “International Polar Bear Day”, declared by non-profit conservation group Polar Bears International to heighten awareness of the declining population of the big white guys of the north. But wait … they aren’t really white! Polar bears have clear hair shafts that appear white because they reflect light. Sometimes in captivity they turn a yucky green, the result of algae that develops in warmer climes. Zoos have to use hydrogen peroxide to cure this color calamity.
NET: http://www.polarbearsinternational.org/

• “No Brainer Day”, when we’re encouraged to slack off. Any activity attempted should be something done without serious thought … a ‘no brainer’ activity. Like this show, for instance.

• “Read 5 Pages in the Dictionary Day”. Just think, if you do this each day for the rest of your life … you’ll be really boring.

• “Spay Day USA”, the 13th annual when each of us is encouraged to have at least one cat or dog spayed or neutered to help resolve the problem of pet overpopulation (do NOT attempt this in your home). About a half-million animals have been ‘altered’ on this day since the Doris Day Animal Foundation began the campaign in 1995.
NET: http://tinyurl.com/2sfofk

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1974 [33] “People” magazine debuts, devoted to celebrity & pop culture news (movie actress Mia Farrow is on the cover)

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1827 [180] 1st ‘Mardi Gras’ celebration in New Orleans LA (1st co-ed flashes to get a cheap string of beads)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1987 [20] A team of 90 elementary school students in Kumamoto, Japan skips rope together
160 times without missing for a new “Guinness World Record”

COMING UP . . .
[Wed] International Floral Design Day
[Wed] Tooth Fairy Day
[Wed] International Repetitive Strain Injuries Awareness Day
[Wed] Public Sleeping Day
[Thurs] International Day of the Seal
[Thurs] St David’s Day
[Thurs] Peanut Butter Lovers Day
[Thurs] 2006 RSP deadline
This Week Is … Eating Disorders Awareness Week
This Month Is … Sweet Potato Month

BULL’S BITS

WOULD YOU RATHER?
You run down the list while your guest or phone caller decides which choice is more palatable. Would you rather …
• Have retractable roller blades on the bottom of your feet OR a retractable trucker cap on top of your head?
• Have to imbibe all liquids using a thimble OR have to chew every piece of food 1,000 times?
• Be forced to eat ants OR be eaten by ants?
• Experience life like a video game OR experience life like a movie?
• Have a unibrow OR back hair?
• Be 3-feet-tall OR be 9-feet-tall?
• Be able to fly OR be able to read other people’s thoughts?
• Have 1 giant tooth OR have 100 tiny teeth?
• Hit every red light for the rest of your life OR always be wrong?
• Be a hobo that everyone loves OR be a rich jerk that no one likes?

MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?
• If something isn’t ‘out of whack’, is it ‘IN whack’?
• Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
• Why is it that night ‘falls’ but day ‘breaks’?
• Where does the white go when snow melts?
• If you eat pasta and then antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• There are ‘AA’s and ‘AAA’s and ‘C’s and ‘D’s. So how come there aren’t ‘B’ batteries?

BS PHONE STARTER:
Which morning routine/ritual can you not miss without screwing up your entire day?

BS BRAIN BUSTERS:
• How can 2 people stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unable to touch each other? [If the newspaper is slid half-way under a closed door, they can each stand on the part on their side of the door.]
• In many places attempting to commit this crime is punishable by law, but actually committing the crime is not. What is it? [Suicide.]
• How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and – without hitting a wall or any other obstruction – have the ball stop and come right back to you? [Throw it straight up.]

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: About 1 in 5 of you have THIS habit, which can be really annoying to co-workers.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: You whistle while you work.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win … you’re still a rat.

Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s Issue of “The Bull Sheet”!