Wednesday, February 22, 2006 Edition: #3224
Get a Load of This Sheet!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Singer Liza Minnelli has sold her late father’s Beverly Hills estate for $3.5 million – with her elderly stepmother still inside! (a codicil stipulates the new owners have to wait for Lee Minnell’s death before they move in, but it might not be long – she’s 98-years-old!) . . . Movie actor/director George Clooney says one of his next challenges might be directing a stage play in London’s West End if he finds a suitable script . . . Actor Heath Ledger became so close to his “Brokeback Mountain” co-star Jake Gyllenhaal, he asked him to be godfather to his 4-month-old daughter with actress Michelle Williams, Matilda (“Daddy, how come my godfather kissed you in that movie?”) . . . Catholic groups in New Zealand are advocating a boycott of TV cartoon series “South Park” due to an episode that features a bleeding statue of the Virgin Mary (likely the same people that laughed off cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad) . . . “Two & a Half Men” star Charlie Sheen is set to launch a line of kids clothing, said to be ‘inspired’ by his 2 daughters Sam & Lola (and his upcoming alimony payments to Denise Richards) . . . Oscar-winning actress Charlize Theron has been named ‘Woman of the Year’ at this year’s “Elle Style Awards” . . . Former “Playboy” Playmate Nicole Lenz (March 2000) claims to have the ‘horniest videotape of all-time’, purportedly a lesbian romp in Las Vegas’ Bellagio Hotel with – who else? – Paris Hilton (who doesn’t seem to have any other measurable talent) . . . 28-year-old Brit pop singer Deeyah, dubbed the ‘Muslim Madonna’, is facing death threats because her raunchy new music video for “What Will it Be?” shows her stripping off a burqa to reveal her bikini-clad body . . . Mary-Kate Olsen idolizes troubled stupermodel Kate Moss so much that sources say she wants to make a movie about her – and star in it herself (that’d never work, she’s way too fat) . . . And the latest buzz about Kate Moss is that she may be pregnant as she’s reportedly suffering from morning sickness and seems to be piling on pounds of late (like she’s up to 98).
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Beyoncé – She’s in hot water with PETA for using animal fur in her House of Dereon fashion line. It apparently makes use of rabbit, chinchilla & mink.
• Celine Dion & Elton John – THIS WEEK they sang together for the first time at a Caesars Palace benefit in Vegas that raised $2.1 million for hurricane victims.
• Gwen Stefani – The 36-year-old soon-to-be mom fears she may have to retire many of her revealing stage costumes after giving birth. Have faith, girl … look at Heidi Klum!
• Kenny Chesney – His record label has just presented him with a plaque commemorating his sales of 25 million albums.
• Kenny Rogers – He’s been married 5 times but claims he’s never had a pre-nup. Just dumb?
• Kylie Minogue – The mother of her actor-boyfriend Olivier Martinez claims the twosome will wed at Kylie’s French Island getaway in Australia this APRIL. A spokesperson for Minogue, however, says it’s just not true. Translation: Time to wrap up a toaster.
• Madonna – She’s had oxygen machines installed at both her British homes to help give her energy.
• Ricky Martin – TONIGHT he performs a free show in Piazza Castello in Torino, Italy following the day’s medal ceremonies for the Winter Olympics.
NEW BS SLEEP GIZMOS:
• ‘The Sleeptracker’ wristwatch, invented by Lee Loree, includes an ‘accelerometer’, which detects restless periods that signal a lighter phase of sleep when the brain is alert and ready to be aroused. (Or you could just set your alarm clock for noon.)
• A new class of drugs will enable us to survive on only 2 hours sleep per day. According to researchers, the new ‘lifestyle pills’ promise to deliver sleep that is deeper and more refreshing than the real thing, even eliminating the need for sleep for several days at a stretch. (These landmark ‘Lifestyle Pills’ were formerly called ‘Meth’.)
• ‘The SleepSmart’ mechanism, now being developed by Axon Sleep Laboratories, uses a headband to detect the brainwaves that signal the sleeper is rested and ready to rise. (Or, like we said, you could just set your alarm clock for noon.)
– “New Scientist”
FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
The things we do; the stuff we think …
• 83% of women are satisfied with their life in general, compared to just 62% of men.
• 57% of us hit the snooze button on the alarm clock … at least 6 times a day.
• 41% of employees surveyed can ‘just barely tolerate’ their boss.
• 39% of us like our in-laws as much as our own parents. 17% actually like them better!
• 18% of us twist our Oreos apart before eating them.
• 7% of us have flossed our teeth … with our hair.
MIRROR IMAGE:
A new University of Liverpool study finds that the longer we’re in a relationship with someone, the more we grow alike in appearance. Perhaps even more interesting, it also seems we tend to choose someone whose looks resemble ours in the first place. Why? Forget about opposites attracting, we like people who look like us because they tend to have personalities similar to our own. Researchers says that’s why partners who are genetically similar to each other tend to have happier relationships. (That’s why [co-host] is looking to hook up with a 6 ft-2 bald woman … with a soul patch.)
– LiveScience.com
CUTTING EDGE VOCAB:
• ‘Elbow Bump’ – A form of greeting in which 2 people touch elbows, being touted by the World Health Organization as a healthier alternative to shaking hands, since that disgusting custom can be a prime source of cooties. It’s just one example of ‘social distancing’ that may result from the spread of avian flu. (“You can trust me, Al. My elbow bump is as good as a contract.”)
• ‘Flu Day’ – Similar to a ‘snow day’, it’s when a school or school district is closed to reduce the spread of flu. (“So many students in Pleasantville are sick that the school board has closed all 5 schools today for a flu day.”)
• ‘Milk Brain’ – A term coined to describe the feelings of disorientation and mental sluggishness reported by some mothers with newborn babies. (“Sorry, I completely forgot to show up for newborn yoga class … I guess I’ve got milk brain.”)
DID YOU KNOW?
• Americans eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
• Americans spend more on dog and cat food than they spend on baby food.
• Banging your head against a wall can burn up to 150 calories per hour.
MOST PROFITABLE MAJORS:
Got a kid trying to decide on a career? Maybe this will help – here are the current average starting salaries (rounded to the nearest thou’) after majoring in the following disciplines …
5. Accounting ($46,000)
4. Computer Science ($50,000)
3. Mechanical Engineering ($51,000)
2. Electrical Engineering ($53,000)
1. Chemical Engineering ($56,000)
– National Association of Colleges & Employers
BS LAW & DISORDER:
• Cops Down Under are hunting a cross-dressing bank robber that’s been dubbed the ‘Mrs Doubtfire Bandit’. For his latest stick-up at a National Australia Bank in Bayswater, he wore a striking white dress with a floral pattern and a pair of practical leggings, accessorized with a black wig featuring a blue stripe … and a gun. He escaped on roller-blades. (Um, we’d like to see that ‘wanted’ poster.)
• Karaoke bars in Vietnam will no longer be allowed to sell or have alcohol on their premises as part of that country’s continued campaign against so-called ‘social evils’. Officials say the new law will definitely help reduce negative activities in karaoke bars. (Such as horrifically bad singing.)
• A 52-year-old woman in Buenos Aires, Argentina has been arrested after her husband failed to pick up on the fact she wanted to ‘fool around’. She told police she spent an entire day trying to get him into the sack but he ignored all her hints – even when she paraded around the house in a G-string & stiletto heels (eww, how’s that mental picture grab ya?). That’s when she got really mad and stabbed him.
THE BULL SHEET 02.22.2K6
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1932 [74] Ted Kennedy, Brookline MA, US Senator (Massachusetts)
1944 [62] Jonathan Demme, Baldwin NY, movie director (“Neil Young: Heart of Gold”)
1962 [44] Steve Irwin, Essendon, Australia, TV personality (“The Crocodile Hunter”)/naturalist (Director of the Australia Zoo in Queensland)
1963 [43] Vijay Singhin, Lautoka, Fiji, PGA golfer (leading money winner 2003 & 2004, 2nd in 2005)
1968 [38] Jeri Ryan (Zimmerman), Munich, Germany, TV actress (“Boston Public” 2001-04, “Star Trek: Voyager” 1997-2001)
1975 [31] Drew Barrymore, Culver City CA, movie actress (“50 First Dates”)/movie producer (“Fever Pitch”) UP NEXT: Stars with Eric Bana in the Las Vegas drama “Lucky You” (APRIL 7); then with Hugh Grant in the rom-com “Music and Lyrics By …”.
TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Be Humble Day”. OK, but damn, it’s hard!
• “George Washington’s Birthday”, celebrating America’s 1st President, born on this date in 1732.
• “World Thinking Day”, an annual celebration of Boy Scouts/Girl Guides founders Lord & Lady Baden-Powell’s joint birthday. Scouts and Guides are encouraged to ‘think’ of good deeds. Many will wear their uniforms to school TODAY (if you remind them).
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1949 [57] The debut of ‘Modern Professional Wrestling’ as Gorgeous George beats Ernie Dusek at NYC’s Madison Square Garden using faked moves and lots of other razzamatazz
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1989 [17] Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry Be Happy” wins “Grammy Awards” for ‘Best Record’ and ‘Best Song’; lip-sync scammers Milli Vanilli win for ‘Best New Artist’
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1959 [47] 1st ‘Daytona 500′ auto race (won by Lee Petty, father of legendary racer Richard Petty)
COMING UP . . .
[Thurs] Full ‘Snow’ Moon
[Thurs] Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day
[Thurs] Curling is Cool Day
[Thurs] Chili Day
[Sun] For Pete’s Sake Day
[Mon] International Polar Bear Day
[Mon] “East Coast Music Awards” (Charlottetown PEI)
[Tues] Mardi Gras / Pancake Day
[Tues] Tooth Fairy Day
This Week Is . . . Engineers Week
This Month Is . . . World Understanding Month
BULL’S BITS
ACTUAL TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Burglar-Alarm Factory Robbed!”
• “Man Collects 119 Pounds of Lint!”
• “Your Remote Control Could Launch Nuclear Weapons!”
• “Baby Grows Sideburns During Visit to Graceland!”
• “Bodybuilder Explodes!”
• “Ads on Tombstones Cut Burial Costs in Half!”
• “Girl With 36-Inch-Long Fingernails Kills Herself While Picking Her Nose!”
ANIMALIA TRUTH OR BS?
Are the following statements true or just a steaming load of hooey?
• Frogs never drink. [TRUE. They absorb water from their surroundings through osmosis.]
• An Ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. [TRUE. However, it’s a good-sized eye … approaching the size of a human child’s fist.]
• All animals sneeze. [BS. Lots do, including Tortoises, Tigers, Parrots, Bears, Wolves, Gorillas, Chimps & Orangutans. But lots don’t, such as Birds, Snakes, Insects, etc.]
• The price of caring for Pandas in a zoo is 5 times what it costs to board the next-most-expensive animal, the Elephant. [TRUE. As well as having a 4-person entourage, the Panda require an expensive, all-vegetarian diet of 38 kilos a day … each.]
• Capuchin [‘CAP-uh-shin’] Monkeys can be trained as housekeepers. [TRUE. Monkey companions have been trained to live-in with disabled humans, helping them with everyday tasks around-the-house.]
• ‘Hedgehog Bowling’ is the national sport of the African nation of Burkina Faso. [Uh, BS. Everyone knows it’s ‘Endurance Squatting’.]
BS ARGUMENT STARTER:
A Canadian won gold in Moguls Skiing … for Australia. A Canadian won silver in Ice Dancing … for the USA. A Jamaican won silver in Bobsleigh … for Canada. Ethiopia’s first ever Winter Olympic athlete, a cross-country skier, grew up in the USA. And Senegal’s Alpine skier was brought up by foster parents in Austria. Does it make sense for the Olympics to award medals to countries if athletes simply move around to wherever they get the best deal?
WHAT WOMEN ARE READING THIS MONTH:
• “Do You Have a ‘Bad-Girl’ Side?” [“Cosmopolitan”]
• “Get the Recipes Everyone’s Talking About!” [“Glamour”]
• “What Kind of Walker Are You?” [“Chatelaine”]
• “Our Favorite Avocado Recipes!” [“Woman’s Day”]
• “Weird Guy-Behavior Explained” [“Redbook”]
WHAT MEN ARE READING THIS MONTH:
• “Bad-Ass Collectible Dolls That Make GI Joe Look like Barbie” [“Stuff”]
• “The Ultimate Pimped Ride” [“GQ”]
• “Warriors in Tights: The New Breed of Professional Wrestler” [“FHM”]
• “Evangeline Lilly Is A Woman We Love” [“Esquire”]
• “What Her Body is Telling You” [“Men’s Health”]
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The average man has more of THIS than the average woman.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Credit card debt.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise.