Wednesday, January 7, 2009     Edition: #3932
Bovine Defecation That’s State-of-the-Art!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
The son of ’50s rock n’ roller The Big Bopper (JP Richardson) is planning an eBay auction of the casket his pop was buried in for 48 years (before being relocated), in order to fund a musical show about his father (the 50th anniversary of the plane crash that killed Richardson, Buddy Holly & Richie Valens is February 3rd) . . . Aubrey O’Day, formerly of girl band Danity Kane (“Damaged”), is reportedly getting $500,000 to drop trou for a layout in “Playboy” . . . According to “Wall Street Journal”, the RIAA will no longer use investigative company MediaSentry to identify music fans who’ve uploaded music to P2P networks (battle’s over, downloaders win!) . . . TV star Patricia Arquette (“Medium”) has filed for divorce from her 2-year husband, actor Thomas Jane (“The Punisher”), citing irreconcilable differences (‘Allison Dubois’ no doubt saw this coming) . . . Hollywood acting couple Rebecca Romijn (“Ugly Betty”) & Jerry O’Connell (“Do Not Disturb”) have jumped on the Hollywood bandwagon and conjured up twins, a pair of girls named ‘Dolly Rebecca Rose’ & ‘Charlie Tamara Tulip’ (seems they joined the ‘Goofy Name Club’ too) . . . The greatest Olympian ever, swimmer Michael Phelps, is returning to China after signing a 7-figure deal to endorse Mazda cars in a series of local ads & personal appearances (largest sponsorship deal for a Western celeb in China’s history) . . . And flavor of the moment, actor Rob Pattinson (“Twilight”), has revealed that his sisters used to dress him up in girls’ clothes and call him ‘Claudia’ (are you seeing guyliner in this lad’s future?).

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Barbara Walters Special” (ABC) – The veteran journalist has landed the first TV interview with Patrick Swayze since the “Dirty Dancing” actor announced he was battling pancreatic cancer last year.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Akon (“Right Now”) performs.
• “Just For Laughs: The Colour of Funny” (CBC) – George Stroumboulopoulos (“The Hour”) hosts an all-ethnic evening of standup comedy featuring The Doo-Wops, Jo Koy, and Sugar Sammy among others.
• “People’s Choice Awards” (CBS) – The 35th annual accolades for movies, music & TV as voted by fans are handed out at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles. Pop nominees include Alicia Keys, Chris Brown, Coldplay, Kanye West, and Rihanna. Country nominees include Brad Paisley, Carrie Underwood, Kenny Chesney, Rascal Flatts, and Taylor Swift.
NET: http://www.pcavote.com/pca/history.jsp?year=2009

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Carrie Underwood – She performed live for 1.2 million fans in 2008.
• Kenny Chesney – He’s been named Country Aircheck’s ‘Country Artist Of the Year’ after spending fully 25% of 2008 at #1 on the charts.
• Lady Antebellum – Charles Kelley proposed on Christmas Day to publicist Cassie McConnell, his girlfriend of 2 years.
• Leona Lewis – She’s signed a book deal to tell the story of her journey from pizza waitress to international pop star. The autobiography (“Bleeding Book”?) will hit shelves in October, shortly before the scheduled release of her 2nd album.
• Madonna – She’s reportedly planning an energetic dance routine for her appearance during Britney Spears’ “Circus” tour this year.
• Rihanna – She’ll shun skimpy outfits when she takes her “Good Girl Gone Bad” tour to Malaysia next month, due to the Muslim-majority country’s strict rules on performers’ dress.

BS CUTTING-EDGE VOCAB:
New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Cyberchondriac’ – Someone who is sure that they have every disease they read about online. (“I’m pretty sure I’ve come down with hypoglycemia … in my favorite left toe.”)
• ‘Floss’ – To show others your luxury goods in order to impress them. (“Sandy, flossing with a crystal-studded lunchbox, was the coolest kindergartner at Rosemount Elementary school.”)
• ‘Mackerel’ – A pimp. (“To satisfy her mackerel, Gwen was obliged to walk the streets of London, fishing for clients.”)

BS THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY IN A MEETING:
Nobody likes ‘em but if you work in an office, you’re forced to suffer through them. A sampling of comments that won’t get you out of a meeting and just might get you fired …
• “I have to leave now.”
• “Man, was I drunk last night.”
• “It’s not my fault.”
• “I can’t make that number.”
• “I’ve had just about enough of your crap …”
• “This meeting is bull—t.”
– Condensed from “Men’s Health”

DEATH BY STUPIDITY:
A Brazilian Catholic priest who died trying to set a world record for longest flight using regular party balloons has won 2008’s “Darwin Award”, the annual prize honoring those who improve the gene pool by removing themselves from it in a particularly stupid fashion. 41-year-old Adelir Antonio de Carli attached 1,000 helium-filled balloons to a lawn chair and set forth equipped with a GPS. Unfortunately, he didn’t know how to use it and winds quickly pushed him out to sea. His body was recovered 3 months later. Why’d he do it? He was attempting to raise money to build a ‘spiritual rest stop’ for truckers in the town of Paranagua. (He died for a ‘Fifth Wheel’?)
NET: Other ‘winners’ listed here … http://darwinawards.com
– Condensed from “Curious Times”

MOTIVATIONAL SONGS TO HELP YOU KEEP NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS:
• “Live Your Life” … TI f/Rihanna.
• “I Believe I Can Fly” … R Kelly.
• “The Power” … Snap!.
• “Time To Pretend” … MGMT.
• “Simply The Best” … Tina Turner.
• “Don’t Give Up” … Peter Gabriel.
• “The Underdog” … Spoon.
– “Blender Magazine”

THE GREAT OUTDOORS:
Spending a couple of hours outside each day could help children avoid becoming short-sighted, according to Australian researchers. A new Australian Research Council study concludes that exposure to bright light for 2-to-3 hours daily helps regulate the eye’s growth, dramatically reducing the risk of myopia. This might explain the low ratio of vision problems Down Under – the average Aussie spends 2 hours per day outdoors. (Artificial ‘light’ from any type of screen doesn’t count.)
– Condensed from “China Daily”

JANUARY DIET EXCUSES:
• If you eat something but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
• Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package.
• Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. (Spinach and pistachio ice cream; cauliflower and whipped cream …)
• Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of cooking.
• Chocolate is a universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food.
• If you drink a diet soft drink with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soft drink.
• Cookie pieces have no calories. The breaking of the cookies causes the calories to leak out.
• Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast … Sara Lee cheesecake.
– Snopes.com

THE VACATION DIET:
Planning to take a holiday from winter? According to researchers at Tel Aviv University, vacations may actually help you lose weight. How so? They break your behavior-related eating habits: you’re never near a refrigerator and you may be much more active than you are at home. On the downside, the researchers say the good feelings experienced from a vacation begin to fade just 3 days after you return to work. (About the same time as your boss realizes you’re back).
– PA News

BS AMAZING FACT:
Thomas Cook, the world’s first travel agency, was founded in 1850. (Some people are still waiting for their ancestors’ travel trunks to be returned from Mesopotamia.)
– DidYouKnow.org

BS CHRONOMETER 01.07.09

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [63] Jann Wenner, NYC, magazine publisher (“Rolling Stone”, “Us Weekly”)

1956 [53] David Caruso, Forest Hills NY, TV actor (‘Lieutenant Horatio Caine’ on “CSI: Miami” since 2002, “NYPD Blue” 1993-94)

1957 [52] Katie Couric, Arlington VA, TV news anchor (“The CBS Evening News” since 2007, NBC’s “Today Show” 1991-2007)

1964 [45] Nicolas Cage (Coppola), Long Beach CA, movie actor (“National Treasure” films, Oscar-“Leaving Las Vegas”)/ex-husband of Patricia Arquette & Lisa Marie Presley/movie director Francis Ford Coppola’s nephew BS FACTOID: He chose the name ‘Cage’ from the comic book hero “Luke Cage”.

1965 [44] John Ondrasik, LA CA, pop singer (Five For Fighting-“The Riddle”, “100 Years”)

1974 [35] John Rich, Amarillo TX, country singer (Big & Rich-“Lost in This Moment”, ex-Lonestar-“Amazed”) BS FACTOID: His new solo album, “Son Of a Preacher Man”, will be released in May.

1985 [24] Lewis Hamilton, Stevenage UK, racing driver (youngest-ever Formula One World Champion)/BF of Nicole Scherzinger (Pussycat Dolls)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Ashura”, an Islamic observance that literally means ‘tenth’ in Arabic. For Shi’i Muslims it is celebrated as the most important day of the longer “Muharram” festival.

• “I’m Not Going to Take It Anymore Day”. From now on, I’m paying for stuff like everybody else!

• “Old Rock Day”. We’re unsure whether it’s about classic hits or mineral deposits. But don’t take it for granite!

• “Organize Your Home Day”. Even better, have some TV show do it for you!

• “Orthodox Christmas” in many countries worldwide. Why? Both Eastern Orthodox Churches and Oriental Orthodox Churches use the old Julian calendar.

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1958 [51] Gibson patents the famous ‘Flying V’ guitar

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1927 [82] Basketball exhibitionists the Harlem Globetrotters play their 1st game (Hinckley IL)

1980 [29] US President Jimmy Carter authorizes legislation giving $1.5 billion in loans to bail out Chrysler Corp (sound familiar?)

1991 [18] Beginning of ‘Operation Desert Storm’ during the “Gulf War” (soon to be known as the 2nd ‘Hundred Years War’)

1992 [17] 1st ‘video-telephone’ goes on sale at $1,499 (nowadays you can use web-based Skype … for free!)

1999 [09] Impeachment proceedings against US President Bill Clinton begin (how’d he end up being a hero afterward?)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1964 [45] Pro bowler Dick Weber rolls the highest-ever bowling score … aboard an airliner

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] NCAA BCS National Championship Football Game (FOX)
[Thurs] 14th Critics Choice Awards (VH1)
[Thurs] Elvis Presley’s Birthday
[Thurs] Eat Something Raw Day
[Thurs] Volunteer Fireman’s Day
[Thurs] Pharmacists Day
[Thurs] Bubble Bath Day
[Fri] Play God Day
This Week Is … Bowling Week
This Month Is … Financial Wellness Month

BULL’S BITS

[CO-HOST’S] NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS:
• Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
• Check on Eggos buried in backyard; see if ‘waffle tree’ has grown yet.
• When visiting strip clubs, stop using the boss’s name to get free lap-dances.
• Work up the courage to wear his dreadlock toupée in public.
• Breakfast, lunch & dinner: cheese-filled weenies.
• Have applause sign installed in his bedroom.
• No more cigars in the shower.
• Lose every pound of weight.
• Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.
• Learn what the hell ‘resolution’ means.

MORE QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANKIND:
• After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
• How can there be self-help ‘groups’?
• If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
• Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience ‘cocoons in their stomach’?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?

WHAT WOMEN ARE READING:
A BS rundown of select stories from current women’s magazines …
• ‘Lingerie for Every Figure’ – “Chatelaine”
• ‘5 Times When You Shouldn’t Text Him’ – “Cosmopolitan”
• ‘True Dating Confession: I’ve Never Waxed Down There’ – “Glamour”
• ‘200 Snacks Under 100 Calories’ – “Ladies’ Home Journal”
• ‘Best Jeans For Your Butt’ – “Redbook”

WHAT MEN ARE READING:
And here’s a sampling of guys’ articles …
• ‘Is It Time to Stop Hating Pete Wentz?’ – “Details”
• ‘Why Crossing Your Legs Won’t Hurt Your Sperm Count (or Your Game)’ – “Esquire”
• ‘9 Idiots You’ll Meet On the Internet’ – “Maxim”
• ‘Relationship Warning Signs’ – “Men’s Fitness”
• ‘Are You a Dick?’ – “GQ”

BS PHONE STARTER:
If you could have free, unlimited service for 5 years from an extremely good cook, chauffeur, housekeeper, masseuse, or personal secretary, which would you choose?

BS RANDOM JOKE:
When choosing between two evils, I like to take the one I’ve never tried before.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: If you’re typical, you spend 95% of your day doing THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Sitting. “Marie Claire” magazine reports that if we’d just stand up more we’d boost our metabolism and burn 33% more calories.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.