Thursday, January 13, 2000                                  Edition:  #1720

BS THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR AT THE DENTIST’S:
• “Are we out of Novocain again? Well, just get me the hammer.”
• “A little laughing gas for you . . . a little for me . . . a little more for me.”
• “Just give me a moment while I lick these tools clean.”
• “The restrooms are right down the hall, you cant miss the signs — ‘Bleeders’ and ‘Non-Bleeders’.”
• “They’re all so bad, I’m not sure which one to start drilling first.”
• “I’d tell you, ‘This won’t hurt a bit,’ but I’d be lying through my teeth.”
• “Call my wife and tell her the kids are going to college after all.”
• “I swear to you, your pants were on backwards BEFORE you went under the gas!”

BS CELEBRITY BUZZ:
Guess who owns 770,000 shares now valued at $70 million in the new mega-conglomerate AOL Time Warner? Jane Fonda received them as a wedding gift 8 years ago from estranged hubby Ted Turner (no wonder she’s dumpin’ the old man) . . . “Toy Story 2″ has become 2nd-highest-grossing animated film of all-time, with a current box office total of $220 million (“The Lion King” is #1) . . . Just weeks after purchasing a $6.5-million estate in London, Madonna has decided to sell it – because security advisors told her it wasn’t safe (now she’s looking into buying George Harrison’s place) . . . And Madonna will NOT be performing at the Super Bowl as previously announced, due to a “busy recording schedule” (translated — she no longer performs in ‘domes’).
FUTURE FLICKS:
Catherine Zeta-Jones has dumped out of Oliver Stone’s upcoming love story “Beyond Borders”, in which she was to co-star with Kevin Costner (you could use these 2 names to start a ‘Who’s Hot and Who’s Not’ list) . . . George Clooney will play the Frank Sinatra role in a remake of the ‘Rat Pack’ classic “Ocean’s 11″ . . . Mel Gibson’s production company is making a TV movie about the backstage lives of the Three Stooges, with Michael Chiklis (once TV’s “The Commish”) in the Curly role (so who should play Larry and Moe?).

BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• A fetus recently taken from a 76-year-old woman in Taiwan is thought to have been in her body for 49 YEARS. (All those years she thought it was the damn Christmas fruitcake.)
• Jerzi Kroski of Warsaw, Poland, has died after eating five 2-inch telephone directories to win a bet. (His betting buds tried to call the hospital but had nothing to look it up in.)
• A Hong Kong hospital has suspended a surgeon after a patient complained he used a cellular phone WHILE PERFORMING AN OPERATION. (“Forceps . . . Oh hi, Pizza Hut?”)
• Dublin’s tourism chief has created a stink by telling the Irish capital’s cab drivers to wash and change their clothes regularly to avoid upsetting tourists. (Now you know why the IRA wear those masks.)
• Iraqi president Saddam Hussein is outlawing shorts on men because the sight of men’s bare legs “will inflame the passions of women and lead to immoral behaviour.” (Geez, who’s butt-ugly hairy gams has HE been lookin’ at?)

THE BULL SHEET 01.13.00

TODAY’S CELEB BIRTHDAYS . . .
1959    [41] Ernie Irvan, Salinas CA, NASCAR auto racer
1961     [39] Julia Louis-Dreyfus, NYC, TV actress (Elaine Benes-Seinfeld, 1990-99)
1964    [36] Penelope Ann Miller, Santa Monica CA, movie actress (The Last Don, Carlito’s Way)
1969    [31] John Flannery, Pottsville Pa, NFL C (St Louis Rams)
1969    [31] Dan Footman, Tampa FL, NFL DE (Indianapolis Colts)

BS REASONS TO PARTY  . . .
[Sweden/Norway] Tyvendedagen (20th day of Christmas)
[USA] Stephen Foster Memorial Day (“Way down upon dah Swa-neeee Ribber . . .”)

Today is the “90th Anniversary of Radio Broadcasting”. In 1910, Lee Deforest broadcast the voice of Enrico Caruso and other opera stars to receivers throughout NYC, where a handful of avid listeners heard the ‘wireless transmission’ through earphones, the world’s first ‘public broadcast’.

Today is also “Make Your Dream Come True Day”. (What a great idea! To celebrate, I’m going to find $5 billion in the mailbox, buy the Toronto Maple Leafs, and fly to Barbados on my private jet where Jennifer Lopez will be waiting for me.)

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1998    Walt Disney Co pays $9.2 billion to keep “Monday Night Football” on ABC-TV
1999    “60 Minutes II” debuts on CBS-TV (joining multi-day magazines ‘20/20/2′ and ‘Dateline 34′)
1999    All-time greatest NBA player Michael Jordan announces retirement from Chicago Bulls

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1863     [137] 1st ‘one-piece pedestal flushing toilet’ (Thomas Crapper-ENG)
1957    [43] 1st ‘Frisbee’ (Wham-O Co)
1968     [32] 1st fatality during NHL play (North Star’s Bill Masterson after being checked into boards)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] National Dress Up Your Pet Day
[Sat] Hat Day
[Sat] Hug Your Cat Day
[Jan 23] Golden Globe Awards
[Jan 30] Super Bowl (Atlanta)
[Jan 30] Genie Awards (Canada’s film awards)
International Man Watchers Week
Bath Safety Month (do NOT drop the soap)

BULL’S BITS . . .
Just in time for another weekend-full of NFL playoffs, here’s a BS look at . . .
WHY FOOTBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX :
• You have a coach on the sidelines
• There is instant replay.
• People cheer when you score.
• You can take a timeout if you’re tired.
• Protective equipment is reusable.

THE LAST WORD:
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.