Sheet For Brains!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
HBO thinks it may have found the next “Sopranos”, an upcoming show called “Boardwalk Empire” (the Martin Scorsese-directed pilot alone is said to have cost a whopping $50 million) . . . Producers say the final season of “Lost” (debuting February 2nd on ABC/CTV) will contain an unprecedented number of twists and turns for ‘Losties’ to endlessly debate (thereby boring the rest of us who could care less) . . . NBC-TV contends it owns the ‘intellectual property’ of Conan O’Brien features like ‘Pimpbot 5000′, ‘Conando’, ‘In the Year 3000′ and ‘Desk Driving’ and is seeking to keep the rights to those elements as part of the deal to dump Conan (they did this to Letterman when he left in 1993) . . . Jeff Zucker, the NBC-TV executive who’s overseeing the network’s late show debacle, tells “Charlie Rose” he’s showed ‘guts’ and ‘leadership’ by shaking up programing (we could think of better words) . . . CNN medical correspondent Sanjay Gupta, a qualified neurosurgeon, has performed brain surgery on a 12-year-old Haitian girl aboard a US military ship (give this guy a network drama!) . . . Simon Cowell has been interviewing potential judges for the upcoming US version of his talent show “The X Factor” (2011), including current UK “X Factor” judge Cheryl Cole (Girls Aloud) and “American Idol” reject Paula Abdul (no please, Simon no!) . . . And 54-year-old actor Mel Gibson (“Edge of Darkness”, opening January 29th) says he has no plans to wed 40-year-old girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva because ‘she is so busy’ with their 3-month-old daughter, Lucia (BS translation: After former wife Robyn cleans his clock in the upcoming divorce, he won’t be able to afford a ring).
TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Auditions continue in Orlando FL; actress Kristin Chenoweth serves as guest judge.
• “The Hour” (CBC) – Jann Arden (“Free”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Pearl (“Little Immaculate White Fox”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Anya Marina (“Slow & Steady Seduction, Phase II”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Switchfoot (“Hello Hurricane”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – James Taylor & Carole King (“Troubadour Reunion Tour”, beginning March 26th in Melbourne, Australia).
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Aerosmith – Guitarist Joe Perry says they’re looking to at least temporarily replace Steven Tyler as frontman and are seeking ‘somebody who’s a legitimate headliner on their own’.
• Madonna – A ‘friend’ tells “The Sun” that the 51-year-old mother of 4 wants to conceive another child via 22-year-old boy-toy Jesus Luz. Quote: “She knows that, at 51, it’s going to be harder to conceive naturally. But she is Olympic-athlete fit and is ready for the challenge.”
• Pussycat Dolls – Nicole Scherzinger dumped her 2-year boyfriend, British F-1 racer Lewis Hamilton, because she’s pursuing a career in the movies, according to “Hello!” magazine.
• Smashing Pumpkins – 42-year-old Billy Corgan has reportedly called off his relationship with 29-year-old Jessica Simpson after tiring of the media attention it was causing. Word has it he’ll still help with her new album.
• Them Crooked Vultures – Paul McCartney says he wanted to play bass in Dave Grohl’s supergroup but was turned down because Led Zeppelin’s John Paul Jones had already been lined up.
• U2 – Bono, The Edge and Jay-Z have teamed up to record a song about Haiti to raise money for earthquake relief.
• Vampire Weekend – A new 3-song track pack of their material is now available for “Guitar Hero 5” and “Band Hero”.
• Van Halen – Manchester UK morning radio personality Steve Penk is (justifiably) being criticized for playing “Jump” while police were trying to talk a suicidal woman down from a bridge. Penk says he’s unrepentant, contending a listener called in the request after being frustrated by the snarled traffic caused by the incident.
THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT:
According to a panel of sex therapists, the key to a good sex life is … spontaneity. Try different times, days, and locations, they recommend. And their biggest piece of advice … lower your standards. (“Wow, honey … you were really adequate.”)
– “Redbook”
BS CUTTING-EDGE VOCAB:
New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Mommy Card’ – A ‘business’ card that includes a mother’s name and contact information. (After all, being a parent is a job in itself!)
• ‘Nontroversy’ – A false or non-existent controversy, often fueled by constant repetition of a ‘gotcha moment’ in the media. Similar to a ‘manufactroversy’, a contrived or non-existent controversy manufactured by interest groups or those with a political agenda.
• ‘Swofties’ – ‘Single Women Over Fifty’, an emerging demographic group that is increasingly seeking the good life through travel and other lifestyle choices. Recent research reveals that more 50-plus women than ever are happy with their lives and content to be alone.
• ‘Wine Flu’ – A hangover. (As in “I can’t come in, I’ve been struck down with wine flu.”)
FIBBING FACT:
A recent poll finds that fully 91% of respondents lie regularly and, interestingly, it also finds that most people are more likely to tell a serious lie to someone they know WELL. (Like when they said ‘I do’ in their wedding vows.)
– AP
WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• Sweden – The floor of a Weight Watchers clinic in Vaxjo has collapsed beneath a group of 20 members of the weight-loss program who were gathered for a meeting. Luckily, all of the dieters escaped injury and were able to complete their weekly weigh-in outside in a (reinforced) corridor. (Wouldn’t it seem a tad obvious that not many reached their target?)
– “Daily Telegraph”
• Austria – Police have announced a scheduled experiment in which 29 live pigs were to be buried under masses of snow in order to study human survival chances in avalanches has been called off for fear of public protests. (Well, saved their bacon!)
– abc.net.au
• Singapore – A local nightclub is attracting attention for a marketing strategy that offers free drinks according to women’s bra sizes. The promotion allows A-cup patrons one free drink, B-cups two, C-cups three, and D-cups can claim a free bottle of vodka. (Anyone with a D-cup in Singapore is known as … a tourist.)
– au.news.yahoo.com
• Britain – Department store chain Debenhams has launched a ‘divorce gift registry’ for those who’ve had to divide the assets of a household. Items on the gift registry include cookware, cutlery, linens, and small appliances. The service coincides with the increasing popularity of divorce parties. (We’re happy to give a divorce gift but first … give us back the wedding gift!)
– NYDailyNews.com
FEW RIGHTS FOR CATS:
According to scientific testing, about 40% of domestic cats are left-pawed. Just 20% are right-pawed, and the remainder are ‘ambi-pawed’. (Meaning you get TWO sets of claw tracks down your drapes.)
– “Cat World”
FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
A statistical look at who we are and what we do …
• 80% of men who are convinced they know all the lyrics to a song are wrong.
• 50% of us have not exercised in the past month.
• 33% of working people under 35 are living at home with their parents.
• 23% of Facebook users have a salary of $100,000 or more.
• 15% of women sleep with a stuffed animal.
• 6% of bank robberies are now committed by women.
SAD REMEDY:
If you’re suffering from jet lag, you should try shining some light on the backside of your knees. Researchers say your body’s circadian clock can be manipulated by focusing bright light on that area, also known as the ‘popliteal’ region. The treatment supposedly also works on insomnia, ‘Seasonal Affective Disorder’ (‘SAD’), and other time-related afflictions. (Studio experiment!)
– “Science”
FOR THE RECORD:
The ‘World’s Most Expensive Ham’ is now on sale at London retailer Selfridge’s. The pricey pork is from western Spain where pigs are fed a diet of acorns and roots to give the ham a distinctive flavor. After slaughter, Iberico ham is salted, cured for 3 years, then packaged in a handmade wooden box wrapped in an apron made by a Spanish tailor. The cost? About $3,000 for a 15-lb leg joint … or $200 a pound ($91/kg).
– BBC News
DID YOU KNOW?
• There are now more TVs in US households than people. Each household now averages 2.86 TV sets. With almost 115 million homes with TVs, that works out to about 330 million TVs for 307 million Americans.
– AC Nielsen
• During a typical 24-hour news cycle, there is only an estimated 30 minutes of new news, according to a recent “Political Fallout” study.
– WordSpy.com
• Is there anything more frustrating than calling ‘customer service’ and getting stuck in on-hold status? Apparently, many automated phone systems are now designed to transfer you directly to a live human if you swear. (So next time, drop the F-bomb and see where that gets you.)
– 37signals.com
BS CHRONOMETER 01.20.10
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1952 [58] Paul Stanley (Eisen), Queens NY, classic rock guitarist/singer (KISS-“Rock & Roll All Night”, “Beth”) who’s released over 30 albums with KISS
1956 [54] Bill Maher, NYC, TV talk show host (“Real Time With Bill Maher” since 2003, “Politically Incorrect” 1994-2002)/documentary maker (“Religulous”)
1963 [47] James Denton, Nashville TN, TV actor (‘Mike Delfino’ on “Desperate Housewives” since 2004)
1965 [35] Greg K (Kriesel), Glendale CA, punk rock bassist (Offspring-“You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid”, “Hit That”)
1965 [45] John Michael Montgomery, Danville KY, country singer (“Sold”, “I Swear”)/rehab veteran
1966 [44] Rainn Wilson, Woodinville WA, TV actor (‘Dwight Schrute’ on “The Office” since 2005)/movie actor (“The Rocker”, “Juno”)
1971 [39] Questlove (Ahmir Thompson), Philadelphia PA, rock/hip-hop drummer (The Roots, house band on NBC-TV’s “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon”)
1979 [31] Rob Bourdon, Calabasas CA, rock drummer (Linkin Park-“What I’ve Done”, “In the End”)
TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Penguin Awareness Day”, to highlight conservation of natural resources by increasing awareness of the interrelationship between humans and marine animals. (Not sure where the official celebration is being held, but you can bet they’ll be wearing tuxes!)
• “Philately Day”, aka “Stamp Collecting Day”. As a hobby, you just can’t lick it! Er, maybe you can.
• “Weedless Wednesday”, the day smokers are encouraged to butt out for 24 hours, a highlight of “National Non-Smoking Week” in Canada, Although smoking in Canada continues to decline, about 20% of us still smoke.
NET: http://nnsw.ca/theme-2010
• Zodiac sign of Aquarius (the ‘Water Carrier’) begins. Aquarians are said to be stubborn, opinionated, unpredictable, and conceited, but also far-sighted, visionary, original, and innovative.
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1982 [28] “Late Night With David Lettermen” debuts on NBC-TV
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1982 [28] 1st ‘Camcorder’ developed (leading to stacks of recordings that you never watch stuffed in a closet)
2001 [09] George W Bush is sworn in as 43rd president of the United States of America
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] “Sundance Film Festival” begins
[Thurs] Hugging Day
[Thurs] Women in Blue Jeans Day
[Thurs] Women’s Healthy Weight Day
[Fri] “Extraordinary Measures”; “Legion”; “Tooth Fairy” open in movie theaters
This Week Is … Fresh Squeezed Juice Week
This Month Is … Family Fit Lifestyle Month
BULL’S BITS
BS SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE IS AN ALIEN:
• Refuses to watch any movie with Sigorney Weaver in it.
• Suggests using a Brillo pad as a marital aid.
• One trip to the in-laws nets you over a billion frequent flyer miles.
• Replicates crop circles while shovelling the driveway.
• After neglecting birth control, you discover that you are ‘with zorbat.’
• Keeps referring to you as ‘ol’ two eyes’.
MORE BS CONVERSIONS:
• 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton.
• 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 Microscope.
• Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 Bananosecond.
• Half of a large intestine = 1 Semicolon.
• 1 million aches = 1 Megahertz.
• Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line.
• 1 million microphones = 1 Megaphone.
• 2 monograms: 1 Diagram.
• 2,000 mockingbirds = 2 Kilomockingbirds.
– “Da Humorist”
BS RANDOM JOKE:
I can’t stand people who look down on people who look down on people.
BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
Which TV show’s original title was “What’s the Question?”.
a. “60 Minutes”
b. “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”
c. “Jeopardy!” [CORRECT]
– Neatorama.com
BS PHONE STARTER:
Will you pay to read a newspaper online? (“NY Times” is thought to be close to downscaling free content online and will begin charging for access to its website.)
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: A flu virus can live on THIS for up to 17 days.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Paper money. (“Real Simple Magazine”)
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
