July 28, 2000 Don’t Be Scared Sheetless Edition: #1856
TODAY Kathie Lee Gifford says farewell to co-hosting “Live! With Regis & Kathie Lee” after 15 excruciating seasons of boring us with her hairdos, hemlines and home life (please join us in a heartfelt HOORAY!). But here’s the . . .
REAL REASONS KATHIE LEE’S QUITTING:
• Needs to keep an eye on Philanderin’ Frank 24 hours a day.
• Wants to spend more time ‘motivating’ children in Third World sweatshops.
• To pursue acting career by acting like she has some sort of actual talent.
• Wants to spend more time forcing, er — persuading her kids to go into show biz.
• Has new TV show where contestants trapped on a deserted island try to survive an entire day with her.
• Wants to expand musical versatility by opening up for Marilyn Manson.
• Suffering from premature rigor mortis caused by inhaling excessive amounts of hairspray.
• Two words – Regis envy.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Kathleen Turner drops her towel for the final time in the London stage production of “The Graduate” then turns the role over to the ex-Mrs Jagger, Jerry Hall . . . TONIGHT ‘N Sync hosts their 2nd annual celebrity basketball game for charity in NYC just as they wrap a 4-night stand at Madison Square Garden (Britney Spears, 98 Degrees and Rosie O’Donnell are invited, along with NBA stars Isiah Thomas [new Indiana coach] and Kobe Bryant) . . . Based on advance orders, the unnamed next ‘Harry Potter’ book is a bestseller in Britain even though JK Rowling hasn’t even started writing it yet! (the series has sold 35 million books worldwide — so far).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Eddie Murphy plays 6 different characters in the comedy sequel “Nutty Professor II: The Klumps” in which ‘Klump’ goes for a visit to the White House and ‘Buddy Love’ shows up once more . . . In the satiric comedy “But I’m a Cheerleader”, Natasha Lyonne plays a sweet, all-American, Christian cheerleader who’s forced to go to a ‘gay rehab camp’ when her straitlaced parents suspect her of being a lesbian.
‘POLLY’ WANT A WEBSITE?
“New Scientist” magazine reports that researchers at MIT have built a Web browser for pet parrots, hoping to alleviate their boring, lonely lives. It consists of a crude plastic box with two clickable levers — one selects pictures, the other selects music. The images are displayed on a liquid-crystal screen above the birds’ perch. Next on the research agenda — creating similar entertainment for dogs. (Great – the all new ‘hydrant cam’.)
AND YOU THOUGHT THE ‘BARKING DOGS’ WERE TACKY:
Kid Rock, George Clinton, Cypress Hill and 2-Live Crew will be featured on an upcoming CD-ROM called “Cybererotica.com Presents Deep Porn” which uses the moans and groans of adult film stars to provide the background beat, and on some tracks, in place of sax or guitar solos. (Guaranteed to create the full effect of renting a room in a seedy hotel.)
LIKE THEY’D TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT IT:
Perhaps dating isn’t as bad as some would have you believe as only 10% of men surveyed have ever paid for sex. (Does marriage count?)
THE BULL SHEET 07.28.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1945 [55] Jim Davis, Marian IN, really rich cartoonist (“Garfield”)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1938 [62] Peter Jennings, Toronto ON, TV news anchor (“ABC World News Tonight”)
1953 [47] Geddy Lee, Willowdale ON, rock singer/bassist (Rush-“Different Stages”, “Roll the Bones”)
1966 [34] Martina McBride, Sharon KS, country singer (“I Love You”, “Swingin’ Doors”)
1974 [26] Wanya “Squirt” Morris, Philadelphia PA, R&B singer (Boyz II Men-“I’ll Make Love to You”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Milk Chocolate Day”, an excuse for chocoholics everywhere to pig out!
Vancouver’s version of the “Symphony of Fire” lights up the sky SATURDAY-August 9th, part of the largest international musical fireworks competition in the world.
NET: http://www.discovervancouver.com/symphony/
SUNDAY is “National Cheesecake Day”, so get some film and tell your wife or girlfriend (or both) that no one else will ever see the pictures.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1991 [09] Montréal Expo Dennis Martinez pitches 13th perfect game in MLB history (vs LA Dodgers)
1997 [03] NHL star center Mark Messier leaves the ‘Big Apple’ Rangers and signs a 3-year, $20-million contract with Vancouver Canucks
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1786 [214] John Molson 1st announces he will begin a brewery in Montréal
1900 [100] 1st ‘hamburger’, according to some sources, is invented by Louis Lassing of New Haven CT
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1962 [38] Paul Henderson of Omaha NE takes 303 CONSECUTIVE roller coaster rides
1979 [21] A cushioned egg dropped from top of Toronto’s 1800-ft CN Tower lands unbroken
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Mon] Parents Day
National Farm Safety Week
Anti-Boredom Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTER:
“Whose posters did you have on your wall when you were growing up?”
JOB DESCRIPTIONS:
• An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
• An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
• A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
• A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
BS TAG LINE:
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? So they can find their way back to the house.
