July 24, 2000 Bully For You! Edition: #1852
BS REJECTION LINES AND WHAT THEY MEAN:
• “I think of you as my brother.” (You remind me of that geek in the movie “:Loser”.)
• “I’m not attracted to you in that way.” (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes on.)
• “It’s not you, it’s me.” (It’s not me, it’s you.)
• “I’m concentrating on my career.” (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
• “Let’s be friends.” (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• Picture this! According to “Globe”, Dennis Franz has posted a nude photo of himself on his fridge door, taken when he was 35 lbs heavier. It’s to remind himself that he never wants to get that way again. (Works for me too. When I start to gain weight, I watch a re-run of Dennis’ naked balloon butt on “NYPD Blue”.)
• And picture this! Gossip columnist Liz Smith says that Marlon Brando has been showing up for work on his new film “The Score” naked from the waist down! Speculation is it’s his way of guaranteeing he’ll only be filmed from the shoulders up. (Or it could be he’s missing something from the shoulders up.)
• If you believe “National Enquirer”, suddenly single Hugh Grant has been checking out models in fashion magazines and when he finds one he likes, he circles her picture and asks his people to track down her phone number. (For the rich and lonely, this is catalogue shopping.)
• “People” mag reports Billy Bob Thornton has torn himself away from new bride Angelina Jolie long enough to record a music album with the help of classic rocker Peter Frampton. It’s a mix of cover tunes (like “Hang on Sloopy”) and some originals he penned himself.
• “E Online” says U2 fans can watch Bono and company put the finishing touches on their first album since ‘97’s “Pop” on the Web at http://www.U2.com. (No word if there’s a ‘bathroom cam’, or if anyone will get voted off.)
VIRTUAL BOOK:
TODAY Stephen King launches an experiment in ‘direct publishing’ by posting the first instalment of his new novel “The Plant” online and asking readers to pay $1 through the honor system. If at least 75% of those who access it pay up, 2 further instalments will be posted. Publishing companies are about as thrilled with this idea idea as record companies are with MP3 and Napster. (If you read the scary story but don’t pay the buck, do you have to go back to being unafraid?)
ROMANTIC STUDIES:
• Studies show that a man will spend twice as long looking at a woman when they’re introduced if he hopes to sleep with her. (The reason most men have never met a woman they didn’t stare at.)
• In a new study 96.8% of couples admit they’ve argued about money at least once in the past 2 months. And 62% have fought about it in the past week! (Just yesterday I had to holler at the wife to give me my allowance.)
• That hunk you met on vacation? Forget him! Long distance romances fail more than half the time. Researchers found that 15 months after moving away from each other, 68% of couples had broken off their relationships. (Absence makes the heart go wander.)
THE BULL SHEET 07.24.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1914 [86] Ed Mirvish, Toronto retailer (Honest Ed’s)/theatrical producer (“Miss Saigon”)
1970 [30] Jennifer Lopez, Bronx NY, pop singer (“Waiting for Tonight”, “If You Had My Love”)/film actress (“Out of Sight”, “Selena”) who last year had her body insured for $1 billion and her infamous tush protected by a $300 million policy/Puffy Combs lover NOTE: Her next movie, “The Cell” opening August 18th, is sure to cause talk as she appears in one scene as the Virgin Mary and in another wearing a provocative dominatrix outfit!
1982 [18] Anna Paquin, Winnipeg MB [raised New Zealand], film actress (‘Marie/Rogue’-“X-Men”, Academy Award-“The Piano”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “Cousins Day”, to honor all cousins who are living and pay homage to those who aren’t. (Or, as it’s known in [your co-host’s] family, ‘Spouses Day’.)
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999 Phil Collins hosts more than 300 guests celebrating his marriage to Swiss fiancee Orianne Cevey at luxury hotel in Lausanne, Switzerland
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1938 [62] 1st ‘instant coffee’ marketed
1995 [05] 1st female announcer to do a network MLB game (Suzyn Waldman-“ABC Monday Night Baseball”) Should more women be doing play-by-play?
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1988 [12] World’s largest ‘ice cream shake’ weighs in at 54,914 lbs (Edmonton)
1988 [12] 9-year-old Emma Houlston from Medicine Hat AB lands in NF to become youngest to fly across Canada
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Take Your Houseplants for a Walk Day
National Laughter Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
SURVIVING “SURVIVOR”:
TODAY the cybersleuth who apparently uncovered the secret of who wins CBS-TV’s #1 show “Survivor” will decide whether to accept an invitation to go to NYC to be interviewed by Bryant Gumbel on the network’s “Early Show”. 22-year-old Corrie Sloot is leery it may be a set-up for a lawsuit against him for letting the cat out of the bag. Ask if he’s retained a lawyer and how his life has changed since he seemingly solved “Survivor”.
PHONER: 905-680-6076 (Thorold ON)
BS RADIO “JEOPARDY”:
• The answer is “Chicken Run”. (The correct question is — what happens when you put prunes in the chicken feed?)
• The answer is ‘A, B, C, D, E, F, G’. (The correct question is — what were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?)
• The answer is ‘cotton balls’. (The correct question is — why don’t bunnies make noise when they make love?)
BS TAG LINE: I’m a ‘psychic amnesiac’. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
