July 21, 2000 “Yo Quiero Taco Bull” Edition: #1851
YOU KNOW WHAT TICKS ME OFF?
• People who say, “It’s always in the last place you look”. Of course it is! Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
• People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya buddy?
• Those little stickers that you can’t peel off fruit without bruising it. Do you have to label it? I know it’s a damn apple!
• When something is marketed as ‘new and improved’. Which is it? If it’s new, there was nothing before it to improve. If it’s an improvement, it’s something old re-worked.
• People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
(And what’s bugging YOU?)
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Word is Calista Flockhart & Garry Shandling have been having a secret affair for some time (maybe they’ll show up together when he hosts the Emmys in September) . . . Prosecutors charging Eminem with assault and weapons offences are taking a firm ‘no deal’ stance and expect a conviction and jail sentence of up to a year . . . Mick Jagger’s first choice to play him in an upcoming biopic directed by Martin Scorcese is said to be actor Jude Law, who co-starred in “The Talented Mr Ripley” (who do YOU think should play Mick?) . . . Rumor has it reluctant bride Darva Conger may next get a new talk show about relationships (well, she’s certainly an expert, isn’t she?).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
In the thriller “What Lies Beneath”, Harrison Ford has an affair with a woman who’s haunting his house and inhabiting the body of wife Michelle Pfeiffer (unfortunately if you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve seen the movie) . . . The animated sequel “Pokemon 2000″, the story of the explosive birth of — ah, does it really matter? If you let your kids watch this garbo they should take your parenting license away (oops, did I say that out loud?) . . . A psycho runs amok in a group of rich college kids at a posh country club in the no-name thriller “The In Crowd” . . . Jason Biggs has the title role in the romantic comedy “Loser”, story of a rejected college nerd who falls in love with a coed.
ANOTHER SIGN HARRY’S HOT:
They’re already taking advance orders for the 5th ‘Harry Potter’ novel in Britain, even though there’s no publication date and no title. (Hell, they could sell phone books if they slapped a lightning bolt on ‘em.)
NOTHING DOH-SI-DOHS LIKE A DEERE:
Forget ‘Cow Patty Bingo’, the new rage at Iowa county fairs is a group called the ‘Farmall Promenade Tractor Square Dancers’. Yup that’s right – 8 farmers who perform square dance formations while driving vintage tractors — half of them dressed as women. (Makes that gay pride parade in Rome seem downright tame, don’t it?)
TECHNO-TRASH:
According to research company Cyveillance, the Internet now contains some 2 billion pages of information and is expected to surpass the 4-billion-page mark early next year. But here’s the most telling stat – the percentage of info on the Web that is actually USEFUL to any given person is now estimated at a measly 0.01%!
THE BULL SHEET 07.21.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1926 [74] Norman Jewison, Toronto ON, filmmaker (“The Hurricane”, “In the Heat of the Night”)/1999 Irving G Thalberg Memorial Award at the Oscars NOTE: Next project is a remake of his 1975 film “Rollerball”
WRONG!!!!! 24TH? 1948 [52] Michael Richards, Culver City CA, TV actor (Cosmo Kramer-“Seinfeld”) who’ll star in the ensemble comedy “The Michael Richards Show” this fall as unconventional LA detective ‘Vic Nardozza’
1949 [51] Garry Trudeau, NYC, political cartoonist (“Doonesbury”)/Mr Jane Pauley
1952 [48] Robin Williams, Chicago IL, comedian/film actor (“Bicentennial Man”, “Flubber”)
1957 [43] Jon Lovitz, Tarzana CA, comedian/film actor (“Small Time Crooks”, “League of Their Own”)
1972 [28] Paul Brandt (Belobersycky), Calgary AB, country singer (“That’s the Truth”, “It’s a Beautiful Thing”)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [60] Alex Trebek, Sudbury ON, TV game show host (“Jeopardy”, since 1984)
1947 [53] Albert Brooks (Einstein), Beverly Hills CA, film actor (“Out of Sight”, “Dr Doolittle”)
1947 [53] Danny Glover, San Francisco CA, film actor (“Lethal Weapon 1-4″, “Angels in Outfield”)
1947 [53] Gilles Duceppe, Montréal PQ, federal Bloc Québecois leader
1964 [36] David Spade, Birmingham MI, TV actor (Dennis Finch-“Just Shoot Me”) who’s co-writing and voicing the new NBC animated series “Sammy”
1973 [27] Daniel Jones, Essex ENG, pop musician/singer (Savage Garden-“Crash & Burn”, “Truly Madly Deeply”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TOMORROW is “Rat-Catchers Day”, observed on the anniversary of the fabled ‘Pied Piper of Hamelin’ (Germany) piping the town’s rats into the Weser River back in 1376. (Causing “Survivor’s” Rudy to say, “That’s a damn waste of good food!”)
SUNDAY’s inductees into the “Baseball Hall of Fame” in Cooperstown NY include Sparky Anderson, only manager to win a World Series in both leagues (Cincinnati Reds, Detroit Tigers), former Reds first baseman Tony Perez, and retired Red Sox/White Sox catcher Carlton Fisk.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1991 [09] 1st Canadian inducted into ‘Baseball Hall of Fame’ (Cubs pitcher Ferguson Jenkins)
1998 [02] 1st male in competitive synchronized swimming (USA’s Bill May at Goodwill Games)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1978 [22] World’s strongest dog, 80-kg St Bernard, pulls 2909 kg load 27 m
1992 [08] Armenian strongman pulls 2 railroad cars 23 ft — with his teeth
AND REMEMBER . . .
“Oil Heritage Week” (visit a polluted beach near you)
BULL’S BITS . . .
FASTEST FINGER QUESTION:
Rank the following in order from fastest to slowest in terms of maximum running speed — squirrel, Mongolian wild ass, chicken, human. [ANSWER: Mongolian wild ass (40 mph), human (28 mph), squirrel (12 mph), chicken (9 mph).]
BS TAG LINE: Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
