July 20, 2000 No Sheet? No Service! Edition: #1850
“X-Men” is such a hit, a sequel is already in the works. But here’s a look at . . .
BS SUPERHEROES THAT AREN’T GOING TO GET THEIR OWN MOVIE:
• ‘The Haberdasher’
• ‘Captain Halitosis’
• ‘PMS Woman’ & her faithful sidekick ‘Yeasty Girl’
• ‘Knows-All-the-Words-to-O Canada-Man’
• ‘Beautiful From The Neck Down Woman’
• ‘Super Speller’
• ‘Lightning-Fast Mood Swing Woman’
• ‘Mr Magnetic Colon’
• ‘Oral Girl’
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Emmy Award nominees will be announced under a new voting format that promises to recognize a broader spectrum of programs (get ‘em here at 5:38 am PDT — http://www.emmys.org/). . . YESTERDAY legendary NFL Hall of Fame linebacker Dick Butkus was named the first head coach in the WWF’s new XFL, helming the Chicago franchise (he’s never been a coach but he played one in the movie “Any Given Sunday”) . . . Word is Bruce Willis is single again after Spanish galpal Maria Bravo cut him loose — for being such a tightwad . . . Can you take Drew Carey THREE times a week? In addition to his sitcom and “Whose Line Is It Anyway?”, he may get a new NBC series where a regular cast improvises the script with celebrity guests.
MOVIES IN THE WORKS:
Former Conan O’Brien sidekick Andy Richter will play a sleazy record executive in “Pootie Tang”, a comedy about a crime-fighting recording artist (oh well, you can see why he left “Late Night”) . . . Ex-“NYPD Blue” cop Jimmy Smits has joined the cast of “Star Wars: Episode II” to play ‘Senator Bail Organa’, who will adopt ‘Princess Leia’ in “Episode III”.
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE ”BIG BROTHER”?
Never one to leave a dead horse alone, CBS is expanding “Big Brother” to 6 nights weekly starting next week. “Survivor” is #1 in the latest TV ratings, while “Big Brother’s” best showing is #15. So how come the same premise works for one and not the other? Maybe it’s that the occupants of the “Big Brother” house just aren’t likable. Maybe it’s the cheesy commentating. Maybe it’s the fact the “Big Brother” cast lacks the challenges constantly faced by the “Survivor” contestants. Whatever the reason, “Big Brother” isn’t a TV hit, but it is attracting voyeurs by the ton to its 24-hour live Webcams.
NET: http://bigbrother2000.com/
THROW OUT THE PHONE BOOK:
The first phone service with ‘voice recognition dialing’ is now available in Sleepy Eye MN of all places. Customers simply press the star key twice and say the name of the person or business they want to call and the number is dialed automatically. (The system crashed the first day when 802 residents lifted the receiver and said, “Get me Mom.”)
GROSS STORY OF THE WEEK:
Claudia Isozio of Mexico City got the shock of her life when she reached into a bag of peanuts — and found an eyeball! Health authorities confirm it definitely came from a human. The peanut company has no idea how it got there. (Could it be the factory foreman told workers “keep an eyeball peeled for rotten nuts”?)
THE BULL SHEET 07.20.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1947 [53] Carlos Santana, Autlan de Navarro MEX, rock musician (Santana-“Smooth”)/tied Michael Jackson’s record for most awards in one night at this year’s Grammy Awards by winning 8
1964 [36] Dean Winters, NYC, TV actor (Det Brian Cassidy-“Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”)
1966 [34] Stone Gossard, Seattle WA, rock guitarist (Pearl Jam-“Last Kiss”)
1973 [27] Peter Forsberg, Ornskoldsvik SWE, NHL star center (Colorado Avalanche)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Edmonton] “Klondike Days” begin (http://www.northlands.com/klondike_days/index.html)
[Morris MB] “Manitoba Stampede & Exhibition” begins (http://www.mts.net/~vas/page2.html)
Today is “Moon Day”, the 31st anniversary of the first lunar landing in 1969. Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong became the first to walk on the moon as he proclaimed “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” while nearly 700 million Earthlings tuned in. Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin joined him later. (He should have said, “One small step for man. 10 million frequent flyer miles for me!”)
This is “National Hot Dog Month”. Hot dogs used to be eaten bunless, with the seller lending the eater protective gloves to wear. Then an enterprising vendor named Anton Feuchtwanger developed the 1st hot dog bun. (Be thankful you don’t have to order a “Foot-long Feuchtwanger”.)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1995 [05] OJ Simpson offers $500,000 reward for the capture of his wife’s ‘real killer’
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1945 [55] 1st Canadian ‘family allowance’ cheques issued (‘Baby Bonus’)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1919 [81] Hottest-ever day in Ontario (42.2 C)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Ratcatcher’s Day
[Sun] National Vanilla Ice Cream Day
Space Week
Anti-Boredom Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?
• Most sports cars are owned by 18-34 year-old males. (BS. According to the latest Polk & Associates auto owner survey, 65% of all sports cars are now purchased by people 50-plus!)
• Because of heavy traffic congestion, Julius Caesar banned all wheeled vehicles from Rome during daylight hours. (True)
• The most recognizable smell to humans is the smell of crayons. (BS. A Yale University study lists crayons as 18th-most recognizable. Coffee is #1.)
• Scientists estimate the average lifespan of a caveman was 18 years. (True. Apparently Mike Tyson is defying the laws of nature.)
• In the typical home the risk of violence is greatest in the bedroom. (True.)
• Women are 3 times more likely than men to have bunions. (True. Why? Check the shoes.)
BS TAG LINE:
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
