July 17, 2000 Have a Stock Day! Edition: #1847
LEAST WATCHED ‘DISCOVERY CHANNEL’ SPECIALS:
• “Is That Your Final Documentary? — The Life Cycle of Catch-Phrases”
• “Hitler: The Man Who Ruined the Box Mustache”
• “Drizzle: More Than Fog, Less Than Rain”
• “Nature’s Clueless: The Wives of Larry King”
• “That One Fly That Sits on the 7-Eleven Donut All Day”
• “The Vastness of Space: A Trip Between the Ears of [your co-host]”
• “Tasteful American Architecture — A Termite’s Point of View”
• “Phases of the Moon: Fraternity Behavior Through the Ages”
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• Guess who’s become Hollywood’s new ‘Miss Difficult’? According to “Globe”, actress Ashley Judd has become such a pain in the butt on the movie set, several leading men including George Clooney refuse to work with her. Among her outrageous demands – insisting on being driven in a golf cart even if she’s traveling just a few feet on the set, and demanding a huge trailer with a personal chef. (Hey Ash, why not try demanding a better script than that last dud, “Where the Heart Is”?)
• “Extra Extra!” notes that in 1999 the entertainment industry bestowed a whopping 3,182 trophies on itself at 332 separate ceremonies. That works out to 9 awards being handed out every single day of the year!
• “E! Online” notes that 39-year-old “Survivor” castaway Richard Hatch (the bearded gay guy that runs around naked) is suing Rhode Island authorities, claiming false arrest on child abuse charges. Seems he was arrested 2 days after returning from “Survivor” filming for waking his 10-year-old adopted son at 4:30am and forcing him to jog 6 miles — because tubby Richard thought the kid was out of shape. Meantime, Richard remains a co-favorite among Las Vegas oddsmakers to win the “Survivor” contest.
• If you believe “National Enquirer”, Whitney Houston now spends more than $100,000 a year free-basing cocaine, and has spent over $750,000 on cocaine and marijuana over the past 10 years. (Calculated by multiplying the number of times she’s forgotten lyrics to her own songs by 10 and dividing by her number of ‘no shows’.)
• And because you really care — “Star” tells us Brit bombshell Liz Hurley keeps cellulite off her butt by rubbing it with sandpaper. (Owww!)
TRULY AMAZIN’ BS FACTS:
• The pet ferret was domesticated more than 500 years before the house cat. (But cats became more popular ’cause they don’t crawl up your pant leg.)
• The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. (However, sending a letter with postage due is NOT kosher.)
• The ‘Mahogany Clam’ has been known to live for 150 years. (Also known as the ‘Queen Mother Clam’.)
• St Augustine was the first major proponent of the ‘missionary’ position. (He liked to lie down on the job.)
• In Laos, distance is measured in terms of the time it takes to cook rice. (“Go up this road 2 Uncle Ben’s and then make a right.”)
• Humans are capable of distinguishing some 300,000 shades of color. (But apparently not a yellow traffic light.)
THE BULL SHEET 07.17.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1920 [80] Juan Antonio Samaranch, Barcelona SPA, International Olympic Committee President since 1980 who somehow managed to survive the IOC payoff scandal
1934 [66] Donald Sutherland, Saint John NB, movie actor (“A Time to Kill”, “M*A*S*H”)/Keifer Sutherland’s dad
1947 [53] Camilla Parker Bowles, Plumpton ENG, Prince Charles’ longtime lover who had multiple affairs with him while still married (she’s 371 in dog years)
1952 [48] David Hasselhoff, Baltimore MD, bad actor/rich producer (Mitch Bucannon-“Baywatch” & “Baywatch Nights”)/bad singer (big star in Germany)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “Cow Appreciation Day”, a day to celebrate the ‘beauty of the bovine’, so don’t forget to polish your shoes, stroke your wallet and throw another steak on the BBQ.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1997 [03] After 117 years in business, Woolworth’s announces it’s closing all its stores
1999 [01] Actress Helen Hunt marries actor Hank Azaria
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1917 [83] British royal family 1st uses surname ‘Windsor’, in attempt to rid itself of German heritage
1955 [45] ‘Disneyland’ 1st opens its doors in Orange County CA
1976 [24] 1st Olympic Games in Canada (Montréal)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Ice Cream Day
[Tues] National Caviar Day
[Wed -July 24] Tallships 2000 (Halifax)
National Picnic Month (aka Ant Appreciation Month)
BULL’S BITS . . .
WHAT MOVIE WERE WE ALL IN?
You give the 3 co-stars, your phone contestant tries to name the movie . . .
• Anthony Hopkins, Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. (“The Mask of Zorro”, which opened 2 years ago TODAY.)
• John Cusack, Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton. (1999’s “Pushing Tin”, where future married couple Jolie and Thornton first found they had the hots for each other.)
• Harrison Ford, Anne Heche and David Schwimmer. (The 1998 comedy “Six Days Seven Nights”)
• Brad Pitt, Minnie Driver and Robert De Niro. (Ew, tough one! They were all in “Sleepers” in ‘96.)
• Russell Crowe, Kevin Spacey and Kim Basinger. (The 1997 hit, “LA Confidential”)
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES:
• “Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy”
• “Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation”
• “War dims hope for peace”
• “Child’s death ruins couple’s holiday”
• “Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say”
(Source: “Comedy Central”)
BS TAG LINE:
The person you’re most attracted to never shows up until the day before the vacation ends.
